The Twelve Kingdoms (22 page)

Cold dread sank my stomach, then crept back up my spine. “Danu,” I whispered. “What are you not telling me—what of Stella?”

“I'm telling this badly. Let me summarize. I think you know part of it. A rebellious contingent here stole Stella and her nurse, attempting to bring them over the border to Annfwn. Of course, I knew the moment they met the barrier, though feeling Stella took me by surprise.”

“Of course,” I murmured, and she flashed me an owlish look, acknowledging we both felt the chagrin at her much changed status.

“The nurse couldn't cross, having no Tala blood. Even
I
can't adjust for that, prepared or not. The Heart has its own agenda in that way. Don't give me that look, or I won't tell you the rest. The group left her at the border and brought Stella with them. Though I caught up fairly quickly, I couldn't see where they went. More than one of the group is wise to my abilities. Later Amelia came through, along with Ash and Astar.”

“How could you know all these things without being present?”

She tilted her head slightly, reminding me of Harlan when he considered how to translate a concept. “You know how it feels when someone touches your skin? With most people, it's kind of a nonevent—you notice it, but it registers as nothing more than that. But with people connected to you, ones who are part of you in some way, it goes deeper, like it crosses an internal boundary as well. Do you understand what I mean?”

“On one level, yes.” I wouldn't think of the way Harlan's slightest touch seemed to go right through me. Andi meant people with true connections. By blood or love. Not lust.

“It's like that. Anyone who comes close to the barrier brushes against my awareness now. Like an itch, a bug that should be shaken away.”

“Like you did with me in Branli.”

She smiled, close lipped and enigmatic. “I couldn't say. Had my sister Ursula been interested in crossing, I would have paid more attention than I did to a troop of soldiers on one of Uorsin's missions.”

She hadn't called him father or king, a choice I made sure to note carefully. “And what did you imagine King Uorsin's mission to be?”

The smile fell away and she visibly hardened. “Let's not mince words between us, Ursula. We both know Uorsin lusts for Annfwn with an unholy hunger. Our mother sacrificed her life to stop him from having it. I could hardly do less.”

“She lost her life to complications from childbirth.”

“Lady Zevondeth implied differently.”

“Yes, but she's never come out and said what happened, has she?”

“Did you ask? You came from Ordnung, I presume. Did she offer you a trade, some of your blood for information, perhaps?”

I shuffled the puzzle pieces in my head. “No. She was . . . unwell. But you gave her blood, didn't you? I'm guessing Ami did, too—she hinted as much.”

“Ami has come a long way in understanding the power our blood carries.”

“Yours and Ami's.”

Andi tilted her head at me. “You are also part Tala, sister of mine.”

“I am my father's daughter. A warrior. I have no magic.”
In that way, you are the most my daughter.

“You mean you don't believe in the magic you have. Else you'd see through the barrier as easily as you saw the memorial.”

I laughed. I couldn't help it. “Tell me another tale. And you're dodging. Give me the rest. How bad is it?”

Sobering, she shrugged, a bit restless. “There's not much more to tell. I know they crossed—both groups—and we haven't had any success finding them since. They're all in Annfwn still and all still alive; I know that much.”

“Did you interrogate the nurse?”

“I had an escort take her home.”

“Danu! She might have been in collusion with them. How could you let her go?”

“She told us what she knew, which was scarcely more than we already did. They grabbed her to care for Stella and abandoned her in the Wild Lands without a qualm. We owed her better than that.”

Andi was likely right, but still it grated. I'd hoped to find Ami and babies safe and sound. Hearing they were all still at risk knifed at me. I should have stayed with her and never gone to Ordnung. So many bad decisions.
But. You. Failed.
My father's voice redoubled the throbbing at my temples.

Focus.
“How have you gone about searching?”

“We're not idiots, Ursula. You needn't make it sound like we're bumbling about. Annfwn is a large and varied territory—ocean, cliffs, forests, and mountains—we're looking systematically, but we haven't succeeded in triangulating on any of them.”

“You need me. I'll find them.” Make up for my failures.

Andi nodded. “Good. I could use your help. We'd welcome it.”

“Does King Rayfe feel the same?” I'd phrased the question neutrally, but Andi narrowed her gaze in warning.

“I do feel the same.” Rayfe stepped up to her side, appearing as if from nowhere, gaze going immediately to the movement of my hand to my sword, putting a hand to his own. A tall, dark-haired man with keen warrior's eyes, he moved like a wolf, fast, silent, and potentially lethal.

“I thought we spoke privately.” I glared at Andi.

She folded her hands calmly, unapologetic. “I never promised any such thing. You assumed. I have no secrets from Rayfe.” The look she gave him then sent that odd twist through my gut. Full of love. I'd known she loved him—had told Ami as much—but it still threw me. How much of what she'd done had been to spare civil war and how much out of desire for this man?

“Forgive me the subterfuge, Your Highness.” He bowed but didn't move his hand off the hilt of his blade. “We were uncertain of your motives and it seemed best for me to stand back for the moment.” His tone made it clear he, at least, still harbored suspicions.

“King Rayfe.” I tilted my head with the polite respect I'd give any of the subordinate kings, no more. He noted the shading, dark blue eyes glittering.

“Do you have need of me, Your Highness?” Harlan stepped up to my side, hand on his blade also. He and Rayfe took each other's measure, tension thickening.

I was saved the indiscreet moment of having to say I'd told him to stay back by Andi's exasperated oath.

“Moranu take you all,” she huffed. “I
will not
have a repeat of our last confrontation. Nobody else dies here and I'll take steps to prevent it. Do you all understand me?”

She seemed to have grown in height, though I knew it to be a trick of the eye. Still, her presumption got under my skin. Salt in the wound of my guilt. “I know better than most what crimes I committed here, Queen Andromeda,” I snapped.

Instantly, regret overcame her. “That guilt doesn't belong to you, Ursula. I caused Hugh's death through my actions and I know it well.”

“If I may.” Dafne stepped into the space between the four of us. My Derodotur, indeed, bridging the gap. “Hugh met his death through his own actions. To claim otherwise diminishes what were truly noble, heartfelt intentions.”

We all looked toward the shrine Andi had made, the shining blue forget-me-not.

“Well said, librarian,” I murmured and sent a prayer to Danu to give him wings. Still, I knew I would carry the burden of his spilled life with me for all eternity, no matter what any of the others thought.

“I think we are at a truce, then.” Andi looked around the circle. “King Rayfe and I invite you into Annfwn, to aid in the search for Amelia, Ash, and the children. I will ask for your oath that you will not use this opportunity to cause harm to Annfwn or the Tala, or allow it to be caused through inaction.”

“A sweeping vow,” I observed, feeling a tug of reluctant admiration for her strategy.

“A perfectly reasonable one, we believe,” Rayfe returned evenly. “Surely you would expect no less, Princess Ursula.”

“Can any of us pass your barrier, however?” I asked. I'd been looking at Rayfe, but to my surprise, he deferred to Andi.

Her storm-gray eyes focused on us each in turn, seeming to look through us in that uncanny way she'd always possessed but that had sharpened and strengthened in a way that made my skin crawl even still, though I made certain not to show it. Beside me, Harlan shifted slightly, as if he felt an itch he dared not scratch, and I knew he perceived it also.

“Ursula can pass easily, of course. Dafne—”

“Easily?” I questioned. “I could not before.”

A look of mischief crossed Andi's face. “I may have tilted things against you. It was important at the time that you believe you could not enter—nor bring Uorsin's army with you.”

“And now?”

She sobered. “Now it's more important to have you here. And you have no army.”

“I still fight for the High King.”

“I know you do. Though I can't understand it.” She sighed. “Nevertheless. Dafne, you have enough Tala blood that I think I can ease you through without much difficulty.”

“She does?” I surveyed the librarian, who showed none of my surprise.

“The Mailloux family shared borders with the Tala for many generations.” She raised her eyebrows at me. “It would be more surprising if there were not some intermixing.”

“Captain Harlan will be more difficult,” Andi continued.

“He can stay behind,” I said.

He put a hand on my arm. “Not a chance.”

Glaring at him, I shook it off. “We agreed that you would wait at the border.”

“Only if it proved impossible for me to cross. If there's a way, I'll take it. It's my duty to go with you, to aid your mission and protect you.”

“It's too difficult.” I gave Andi a steady look, so she'd see that he needed to stay behind. She returned it blandly, though her gaze intensified as she studied me and Harlan in turn.

“Not impossible.” She gave me a smile as she said it, with sweetness I didn't buy into for a moment. “I believe that with me present, we can use his connection to you to bring him across.”

“He has no connection to me.” I laid it out flat, willing her to understand. Harlan didn't move or look at me, but his seething displeasure impinged on my awareness anyway.

Andi raised her brows, deliberately misunderstanding the message. “Of course he does. The bond between you is very clear to my eye. You're obviously in love.”

D
afne studied the hem of her gown, attempting to avert her face so her smirk didn't show and failing miserably. Harlan gave me a long, considering look, one that I refused to acknowledge as I concentrated on not showing any reaction to Andi's ridiculous assertion.

“I'm not judging,” Andi added, brow creasing in concerned puzzlement. “Far from it. I think it's wonderful that you've found someone to love. Someone to watch over you, for a change. And it will make possible what otherwise might be impossible.”

My temple throbbed and I ran my thumb over the jewel for comfort. It felt unusually hot, perhaps because I'd had my hand there so long. “We've simply been working together on this journey. Shared dangers will create that sort of bond.”

Andi glanced at Dafne, and they exchanged some sort of look I couldn't read. Rayfe set a hand on the small of Andi's back, under her long, loose hair, and she leaned toward him, regathering herself. “Regardless, he should be able to cross and we need him, too. It works best if I'm on the other side. Rayfe and I will step through, then Dafne. Captain Harlan, you will have to carry Ursula through.”

“My pleasure.”

“Wait. No—that will not happen.”

Harlan shot me a look, mostly impassive but with amused irritation beneath. Andi put her fists on her hips in pure exasperation, then pointedly looked the mercenary over. “Seriously? Do you propose to carry him?”

“Does one have to be carried?”

“Yes.” She glared. “Do I tell you how to plan your battles? I know how this works. Full-body contact. More is better.”

“What about the horses?”

Rayfe smiled for the first time. “All animals are welcome in Annfwn.” He murmured something in their liquid tongue and the horses trotted happily through, even my stallion uncharacteristically docile. Taking Andi's hand, Rayfe kissed her palm. “My queen?”

She smiled back at him with a passionate warmth that had me looking away. Unfortunately into Harlan's pale, discerning gaze. Danu take them all.

Andi and Rayfe took a few steps, then disappeared from view, as if walking through a mirror. Dafne threw me a glance, excitement clear in her bright eyes. “See you in Annfwn,” she said. She walked forward, holding out her hands. At first she seemed to hit a wall; then her hands passed through, slowly, as if through mud. Then the resistance lessened and she passed through and disappeared.

Harlan tilted his head slightly, challenge glinting in his gaze. “Our turn.”

I wanted to roll my shoulders, shake out some of the tightness there, but he would notice that, for sure. “Fine.” I moved behind him at the same moment he started to put an arm around my shoulders, reaching the other for the backs of my knees. We collided and I jumped back. “What are you doing?”

“I was going to carry you,” he replied, using that tone of infinite patience.

“Not a chance,” I shot back, aghast at the thought of being helplessly carted about.

“Would you have me carry you over my shoulder like a wounded soldier?”

“I'll climb on your back.”

“I've wanted your legs wrapped around my waist.” He let his gaze travel down my body. “It's not exactly what I had in mind, but it gets me closer.”

“Stop that,” I hissed, turning so my back was to the barrier and I blocked as much of his voice and expression as I could. “They can still hear and see us.”

His gaze flicked over my shoulder and back to my face. “Your sister already perceives the feelings you refuse to admit. This is a secret from no one.”

“She
perceives
what she wishes to. The idea that I could somehow be in lo—It's absurd.”

“Still can't say it, can you?” Harlan's mouth twisted in that grim smile. “What is it about me, Ursula? Are you ashamed of wanting me? Do you feel like you'd be lowering yourself to admit to it, that you're attracted to, that you might love, a mere mercenary? Because if that's the case, I'll walk away and never importune you again. If it's about getting over the past, I can wait, but if you truly hold me in contempt, tell me right now.”

He'd kept his voice low, for my ears alone, but his words hit me like fists, intense and full of wounded fury. If he brought this powerful rage to the battlefield, he'd be a fearsome opponent. More so than I'd even thought.

“I don't hold you in contempt.” I tried to speak in a level tone, but my voice cracked over the last word, my heart swelling with an unbearable ache. Too much. All of it.

“What, then?”

I swallowed, held it in. “It's not about you. I already said this. I can't be this person you want me to be! Danu take your ultimatum. I can't speak of what happened. I can't—” To my utter horror, what I thought would be a break to breathe in, to think of the right words, came out as a sob instead. I clapped my hand over my mouth, as if I might stuff the traitorous sound back inside. Harlan's visage instantly transformed from wounded anger to deep concern.

“Here, now.” He pulled me into an embrace that I couldn't manage to resist. “Don't weep, my fearless hawk.”

“I'm not.” Because it was there, and because it was better than letting him see my weakness, I buried my face in his shoulder, hating that I felt better for doing so. “Oh, Danu—they're all watching me fall apart. I can't bear it.”

“There's no shame in feeling emotion. It doesn't make you weak. Strength is in bearing our wounds, living through them, and carrying forward regardless—not in pretending they never existed.”

“I don't know what's wrong with me,” I whispered. I needed to pull away, to stand on my own feet. Not lean against this man who somehow cut me open with a few words.

“Nothing is wrong with you. You've been alone for years. Most of your life, maybe, and the accumulation of being eaten up from the inside out is more than even you can withstand.”

His analogy took my breath away. I was hollow inside. A brittle shell over a rotten core. Thin skin over a festering sore. “Bad timing for me to break now.”

“You won't break if you'll only bend a little.” His lips pressed against my temple. “Bend a little, my brave hawk.”

It sounded fine in theory. “I don't know how.”

“I'll help. Let me carry you.”

Weary beyond belief, I couldn't fight him anymore. He must have sensed my tacit agreement, because he swept me up into his arms, carrying me like a bride over the threshold. The barrier resisted, palpably buzzing against my skin, so I wrapped my arms around his neck and touched my cheek to his. The barrier gave with a pop and we stepped through. As we did, the jewel at my hip flared, sending a startling jolt through me, so that I had to bite down on a yip of almost-pain.

“Is Ursula injured worse than she said?” came Andi's worried voice.

“Injured, yes. And exhausted,” Harlan answered for me. “She's been through a great deal. Give us a little time here.”

“No.” I struggled and he set me down, giving me a look that said he saw through me. I scrubbed my hands over my face, grateful that the swollen bruising would hide any sign of redness or tears. “I'm fine to go on.”

Andi shook her head slightly, as if answering some silent question. “It's late and you've traveled since early morning. We have a camp nearby so will spend the night there.”

“We don't need to—”

“Yes, we do,” Andi interrupted. “Rayfe has already taken Dafne there.”

Which proved how off my game I was, that I hadn't noted their absence immediately.

“We'll go the rest of the way in the morning, to the capital city. But first—do you have something on you? Something”—she flicked a cagey glance at Harlan—“unusual.”

The Star of Annfwn. She'd felt it, too. By dint of will I didn't touch it and managed a casual affect. “I don't know what you mean.”

She narrowed her eyes, scanning me. “I think you do, but we'll speak of it later.”

“I will keep your secrets,” Harlan inserted. “Especially as I suspect I know what it is already. And, if so, it concerns me also.” A reminder that I had never answered his questions about it.

I stared them both down, refusing to give any reply. Mother had only told me never to speak of the stone to anyone, not what I was meant to do with it. I'd have to give thought to how to handle this, as well. My head throbbed. I ignored it.

“Later,” Andi repeated. “Meanwhile”—she gestured with open palms, a proud light in her eyes—“welcome to Annfwn.”

She had a right to be proud. Our mother's homeland was as extraordinary as the stories she'd spun about it. Her voice whispered in my head, her longing as palpable now as then.

The horses had been unsaddled and turned out while Harlan and I argued, so we all walked to the lakeside camp, a short distance away. Relieved for some distraction from my ragged state of mind, I took refuge in observing the landscape.

Near the barrier, the forest seemed much like the one along the pass we'd ascended, except that late summer in Annfwn felt softer, with more moisture in the air. The pine needles grew longer, more luxuriant, and flowers in astonishing colors gleamed under the trees and swelled into profusions of jewel tones in the meadows. Birds flitted overhead, some natural to Mohraya and its surrounds, others with trailing feathers like rainbows or the richest gowns of the court ladies.

As I watched, a flock of birds landed in the meadow and—in an undetectable transition—became a herd of white deer, falling on the acid-green grasses with enthusiasm. Harlan made a surprised noise next to me and Andi turned, giving him an impish smile. “Staymachs,” she said, as if that explained anything. “Ursula—you may recall them as the ratlike creatures that participated in the attack on Ordnung. You killed more than a few in that battle.”

“It was necessary.”

“I'm not criticizing,” she replied in a mild tone, the one she used to indicate she thought I was being unreasonable. “I know full well you were protecting me and the castle. They change shape, but out of instinct or when directed by a handler. About as intelligent as horses.”

Which meant Andi would have an affection for them. Of course she did for all animals. “I'll try to refrain from slaughtering any more of them,” I told her, gratified when she flashed me a more natural grin.

“I appreciate that. They are, incidentally, the creatures that spirited away your Hawks and Captain Harlan's men. Useful for performing minor magics such as that.”

“I take it that you're using ‘minor' as a relative term,” Harlan commented in such a dry tone that I snorted out a laugh, despite everything. He slid me a glance full of ironic humor and touched me on the small of my back, so lightly I almost didn't feel it. I didn't know how to handle his concern for me, but at the moment I appreciated having him there.

Most disconcerting.

“Well, when compared with the magic that keeps Annfwn tropically warm while winter rages an arm's length away? Yes, relatively minor,” Andi agreed.

“How does that work, anyway?” I asked her.

“Not telling.”

“Is that how it is?”

She gave me a considering look. “Shall we trade answers for answers? Because I have a few questions for you.”

“You can ask,” I replied, feeling on more sure footing now.

“That's what I thought.”

Andi and I exchanged a smile, and for a moment, it felt like no time had passed and we were back at Ordnung, before Rayfe came into our lives. Being honest with myself, though, I had to face that even then the festering wound had been growing. I'd just been more able to cover it up and concentrate on other things.
Eaten up from the inside out.
I couldn't think about it and maintain the command I needed to.

We rounded a bend and the lake spread out before us, mirror bright, reflecting the towering peaks with perfect clarity and ringed with a crown of unspoiled forest. On the near side, on a lush green lawn worthy of Uorsin's exacting standards, a crew of Tala had set up tents and tables, lanterns already glowing in the shadows cast by the lowering sun. The trampled grass between tents showed they'd been in place for possibly several days.

“How long have you been waiting for us to arrive?” I asked Andi.

She lifted a shoulder. Let it fall. Far too casual. “Since I knew you were on your way.”

“That's hardly a definitive answer.”

“You don't expect me to reveal the extent of Annfwn's spy and defense network, do you?”

“I didn't expect you to have grown canny about strategy, no. You never paid attention to those lessons before. What changed?” I knew the answer before she spoke it. Already her gaze and attention had found Rayfe, wild black hair streaming down his back as he pointed out sights to Dafne. Though he spoke to the librarian, his eyes had found Andi as soon as we came into view, and the connection that vibrated between them hummed like a plucked harp string. I could nearly see it and wondered if this was what she meant.