The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (2 page)

—
LesbiaNation

“Felice Newman has her latex-covered finger on the clit of Lesbian Nation.”

—
San Francisco Bay Guardian

To Constance

Acknowledgments

Many thanks to my panel of more than 450 experts (nearly half new to this edition) —the respondents to my questionnaires without whom this book would not have been possible. Writing from the United States, Canada, Panama, United Kingdom, Sweden, Finland, France, Germany, South Africa, Australia, and New Zealand, they generously shared their experiences, insights, and desires.

I was fortunate to receive the help of many individuals and organizations who answered questions, provided review copies of books and videos, publicized my research, shared the results of their own research, read drafts of chapters, and offered their guidance: Paula Love, Patrick Califia, Jeanne Marrazzo of
LesbianSTD.com
, Heather Shaw and Christophe Pettus of Blowfish, Kayla Strassfeld of Good Vibrations, Cory Silverberg of Come as You Are, Janet Hardy of Greenery Press, Betsy Kalin, John Jameson of
The Advocate
, and Janet Lever. Many thanks to Karen Quigg and Scott Idleman for design, to Fish for illustrations, and to Mark Rhynsburger for editing.

I am grateful to Susie Bright, Annie Sprinkle, Joseph Kramer, Patrick Califia, Tristan Taormino, Carol Queen, Cathy Winks, Anne Semans, and Staci Haines. Their work lit my path. I have benefited from the guidance of great teachers—among them Richard Heckler, Mark Mooney, and Staci Haines of the Strozzi Institute.

I am thankful to my coworkers at Cleis Press, Chris Fox and Diane Levinson, whose hard work freed me to write this book. I have worked with Cleis Press copublisher Frédérique Delacoste for 25 years. Her high standards for publishing queer books for intelligent readers have made Cleis Press what it is today—I am grateful to have her as my editor.

Finally, my deepest gratitude to my wife, Constance Clare-Newman, to whom this book is dedicated.

Preface to the Second Edition

SINCE PUBLICATION OF
THE WHOLE LESBIAN SEX BOOK,
I have heard from many, many women. I’ve received emails from sapphic novices (“I was able to feel confident when I was making love to my very first girlfriend…”) and seasoned leatherdykes (“Hey, I may have been ‘out’ and in the BDSM scene, too, for ten years now, but I still use your book as a valuable reference and as a sorta dyke bible”). I’ve heard lovely stories of sexual awakening (“My partner came out last year, beautifully and skillfully at the age of 61!”) and sexual adventuring (“I once told my girlfriend I wanted to try a threesome, so she talked about it to a really good friend of ours, and one day…”).

All of the women I heard from were grateful to have a sex guide written just for us—and packed with information and suggestions, and, as one woman wrote, “inspiration, affirmation, and illumination.”

And they weren’t shy with requests for more, either—more research, more information, more topics covered, and more support and encouragement in their sexual aspirations for themselves and their partners.

Many of them participated in my new research. In January 2004, I posted notices on Internet bulletin boards and email discussion lists inviting lesbian, bisexual, and queer women to participate in a new survey on sex and partnership. Nearly two thousand women requested my explicit, lengthy questionnaire.

Research on lesbians and sexual partnership usually focuses on how often we have sex, what activities we engage in, and how personal “issues” like childhood trauma, sexual assault, and homophobia play out in our adult relationships.

This edition of
The Whole Lesbian Sex Book
offers a new way to look at our sexual partnerships. We
know
we have sex and that we hold dear a longer list of sexual proclivities than could ever fit on a survey form—this book offers proof of that. And we know that harm done to us—including the all-pervasive homophobia so many of us live with now—challenges our sense of ourselves as vital sexual beings.

Really, we don’t need a research grant to figure that out. What we want to know is this:

How can we, as lesbian, bisexual, and queer women, create sexual relationships that really excite us and enliven us, and maintain sexual energy and heat over the long haul?

This updated second edition answers that question with guidance and practical suggestions based on the experiences of the more than 200 women who completed my questionnaire. Their commitment to sexually fulfilling relationships is truly inspiring.

The most important thing is this: You
can
have great partnered sex. Whether you have one partner or several, you can have ongoing, intimate sexual connections that expand and deepen over time.

What’s new in this edition? Along with the new chapter on sex and partnership, there is much that’s new. You’ll find specific information on facing and healing triggers from sexual trauma, and achieving sexual pleasure even during depression (and what to do about the sexual side effects of SSRIs). Perimenopause and menopause, Tantra and orgasm, herbal supplements to support libido, sexual partnering during gender transition (with quotes from partners of both FTMs and MTFs), and sexual health (including gynecological care for butches)—it’s all here. Plus new sex toys, Internet pay porn for us, all new illustrations, and a completely updated bibliography, videography, and resource section.

You
can have
great partnered sex. Whether you have one partner or several, you can have ongoing, intimate sexual connections that expand and deepen over time.

I would love to hear from you. Please send me your feedback on this book and your ideas for future editions. If you’d like to be included in research on the next edition of this book, please let me know. You can write to me: [email protected].

Here’s to great sex—for all of us—and a life filled with deeply satisfying erotic pleasure.

Felice Newman
San Francisco
October 2004

Introduction

I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED WOMEN. I’ve known I was a lesbian for as far back as I can remember. As a little girl, I had dreamy crushes on older girls. My mission was to insinuate myself into the lap of the nearest teenaged girl—and never leave.

I emerged as a tomboy, challenging boys to their own games and resisting the efforts of family members to squeeze me into a female gender that pinched and suffocated and just didn’t fit. In high school, I ran with a pack of boys and gazed longingly at the smart girls in my class. To evoke their gaze in return was my highest aspiration.

From my earliest memories, desire for women has fueled my life. I savored small attentions and imagined complicities, “accidental” touches that led to burning kisses, and finally, sex. Sex with women drives my passions like nothing else. I have had sex with many women, and I have been blessed with lovers who offered up their desire with raw courage and lust.

What Makes Me an Expert?

I’m not a social scientist, therapist, or health-care worker. I’m a lesbian who has spent many years learning about sex. As publisher of Cleis Press, I’ve developed and edited books by many of our favorite “sexperts”—from Susie Bright to Annie Sprinkle. I’ve trained and served as a hotline volunteer with San Francisco Sex Information. Their 55-hour seminar in human sexuality is the most comprehensive course of its kind. I’ve spoken on the subject of lesbian sex to all sorts of groups—from teachers earning continuing education credits in Pennsylvania and students at a Christian college in suburban Minnesota to undergrads at the University of California at Berkeley.

But what makes me a lesbian sex expert is that I have devoted myself to erotic exploration. I treat my sex life as an adventure story that builds heat with each episode. I’m curious. Whom will I meet today? What will happen next? I seek abundance. Ample pleasure. Innumerable orgasms. Voluptuous moments bursting with erotic energy. I believe we
all
deserve as much erotic pleasure as life can offer—which is more pleasure really than you or I can conceive of.

I also believe we can teach each other how to have sex. After all, no one else will teach us.

No one ever told us how to be lesbians and bisexual women. No one offered a version of the birds-and-the-bees that spoke to us (“Here is the clitoris. It engorges with blood when aroused and will become erect when caressed…”). No one told us how to ask another girl on a date. Or how to give and receive sexual attention.

I, for one, could have used some guidance. There were years when I wasn’t happy with my sex life at all, but I didn’t know how to change my circumstances—or even what I might like. Because I hadn’t fully explored my own sexual responses, I didn’t know what kind of stimulation worked best for me. Instead, I worried that I was missing some vital ingredient, some secret understanding that others possessed.

Years passed. Like many other women, I had bought into the romantic myths about sex. I believed it was my partner’s job to “give” me orgasms and to figure out how best to accomplish that. I expected her to read my mind. At the same time, I believed that if I wasn’t happy, it was my “fault.”

My orgasms felt like appetizers—they left me hungry and restless. Sometimes it seemed to take forever to reach orgasm. I felt demanding and self-centered. I was impossible to please. On some deep level, I didn’t think I deserved sexual pleasure.

Like so many women, I wasn’t particularly skillful in talking about sex. Although I’m sure we had conversations about sex, I never told my partner of my fears of my own inadequacy. The thought of touching myself or using a dildo or vibrator during partner sex was out of the question. My relationships defined my sexuality. If my lover didn’t appreciate sex toys, then the toys stayed hidden in a drawer. Nor was I particularly imaginative in my fantasies—I had pretty fixed ideas about what was and was not OK for a feminist such as myself to get off on.

I felt stuck.

How
On Our Backs
Changed My Life

Really, it was my job at Cleis Press that cracked the ice cap. First, in the late 1980s, Frédérique Delacoste produced
Sex Work: Writings by Women in the Sex Industry,
a book that blew the scalps off feminists on two continents.
Sex Work
made me nervous. If sex workers could stand up to centuries of social stigma to define their own sexualities—some even going so far as to say their work empowered their sex lives—then what the hell was
my
excuse?

Then Susie Bright, editor of
On Our Backs,
tore through what remained of my self-denial.
On Our Backs
appeared on the scene in the mid-eighties. Aimed at the “sexually adventurous lesbian,” it was the first lesbian magazine to feature explicit depictions of lesbian sex.

Everyone was talking about
On Our Backs
in those years. Many were shocked by the politically incorrect implications of lesbians posing for the sexual gaze. Others distanced themselves from the material by critiquing the writing style or production values. Many feminist bookstores refused to carry
On Our Backs
or kept it hidden behind the sales counter.

I stared at the images in those early magazines and read the stories over and over. I wished I felt so comfortable, so powerful, so confident in my erotic life. I suspected, however, that as with all pornography, this was pure hyperbole. No lesbian I knew lived like that, though secretly I wished they did.

But while working with Susie Bright on her collection of columns,
Susie Sexpert’s Lesbian Sex World,
I realized that what had seemed incredible to me was no big deal to her. In Susie’s world, lesbians engaged in vaginal fisting (which I didn’t think was anatomically possible!), had anal sex, visited lesbian strip shows, partied at sex clubs, and generally sparkled with erotic energy.

My imagination lit like a tinderbox on a hot afternoon. My complacency and resignation went up in flames, replaced by a broiling dissatisfaction.

I saw the parade passing me by—and I was angry! Enough so to take a hard look at my life and begin to make some changes. I felt awkward and self-conscious. It was like coming out all over again. Thankfully, I found supportive friends and lovers who shared with me their devotion to sexual exploration and personal growth. They prodded me to take risks and applauded my courage. With them, I could delve beyond gossip and nervous tittering to get to the nitty-gritty details of sex. How do you do that? What was that like? How can I do that, too? With their help, I found a language to encompass my own experiences.

I’ve never looked back. I now can converse easily about sex. I can and do ask for what I need from my partners. I have an active fantasy life—some of my fantasies I act out and some I prefer to remain fantasies. I know what kind of stimulation will best arouse me. I take responsibility for my sex life.

The Whole Lesbian Sex Book

I wrote
The Whole Lesbian Sex Book
so that you would have ample information and encouragement for creating the sex life of your dreams.

Aren’t there already lots of books about sex? Yes, and more are published every day. You’ve probably read horrific treatments of lesbian sex in mainstream sex guides. More recent guides intended for a general audience, however, do a much better job of representing lesbian sex. Still, we deserve a book of our own.

Often, lesbian sex guides are a bit fuzzy on the actual details of sex.
Sapphistry,
arguably the best of the lesbian how-to books, first appeared in 1979—it’s simply dated. Other guides focus on couples, or therapy issues, or brighten your coffee table while telling you very little you didn’t already know.

The Whole Lesbian Sex Book
is a comprehensive, nonjudgmental guide to lesbian sex—this book won’t tell you who you should be or what you should think. You’ll find detailed how-to information on sexual techniques, understanding your own sexual responses, how to have G-spot orgasms, multiple orgasms, and extended orgasms—and much, much more.