The Whole Lesbian Sex Book (3 page)

During 1999, I developed a series of questionnaires about lesbian sexuality. The questions were very specific, extremely personal, and designed to elicit qualitative rather than quantitative responses. Many of the responses I received were quite explicit. In addition to a lengthy general questionnaire, I devised questionnaires aimed at lesbians and bisexual women who had survived cancer, as well as those who had viral STDs, such as herpes, HPV, hepatitis, and HIV. Posted on the Cleis Press website, the questionnaires were publicized on Internet mailing lists and in lesbian and gay publications internationally. I received more than 300 responses from 250 respondents (some filled out more than one questionnaire) —from the United States, Canada, United Kingdom, Sweden, Finland, France, Germany, Australia, and New Zealand.

Some women wrote pages on one question. Others reported that they had spent several hours on their replies. Some women wrote back with critiques of the questionnaire; in some cases their insights spurred me on to revise my questions. The candor and energy these women put into this project was remarkable. Their responses alone could fill volumes. You’ll find them quoted anonymously throughout the book.

Here’s to lesbian sex! May all your desires come true.

Felice Newman
San Francisco

chapter one

Welcome

LESBIANS LOVE SEX. We have sex with longtime lovers, crushes, ex-girlfriends, new lovers, fuck buddies, and groups of friends. We even have sex all by ourselves. We have soul-gazing sex, heart-melting sex, and sensual afternoons of bed-flooding sex. We have loud, sweaty, headboard-pounding sex that wakes the neighbors. We have screaming, multiorgasmic sex. We have edgy sex. We have
sex.

Some of us have sex all along the gender spectrum. Queer through and through, we have sex with men who were born biological males, and men and women who are transsexual and transitioning, pre-op, post-op, non-op. Intersex, bisexual, pansexual, we fuck beyond the limits of gender.

Women have been sexual with other women for as long as human beings have existed. We have loved and desired each other in every culture and in every era. And though since biblical times we’ve often had to read between the lines to discover ourselves in history (“Whither thou goest…”), we continue to delight in the pleasures of sex with women.

You may have been led to believe that lesbians don’t have sex (we have caresses) or that we don’t have “real” sex (since two women “can do anything a man can—until it comes to that last little detail”
¹
). You may have read that women would rather cuddle than fuck (thanks to Dear Abby—or was it Ann Landers?), or that lesbian lovers suffer from Lesbian Bed Death. (Perhaps a trip to Ikea is in order?)

Conversely, you may have gotten the message that lesbians are the original connoisseurs of sex. We possess sapphic secrets refined through centuries of practice, handed down from mentor to novice. Did you know that entire lessons on lesbian eroticism were deleted from the original
Kama Sutra
? If we really do have such knowledge of female arousal and satisfaction, then we must be erased from history.

If you will come

I shall put out new pillows for you to rest on.

I was so happy

Believe me, I prayed that that night might be doubled for us

We shall enjoy it.

As for him who finds Fault, may silliness And sorrow take him!

SAPPHO

Sex between women has been envied, outlawed, hidden, packaged, glamorized, erased, pathologized, and obsessed over ever since woman discovered the clitoris. Yet women continue to desire each other.

There are as many ways to have lesbian sex as there are lesbian, bisexual, and queer women—
and
women who enjoy lifetimes of sex with women without ever once naming their desire.

Think of this book as a resource filled with information, suggestions, tips, and techniques to help you discover a sexuality that works for
you
.

This book is about sex shared between women. Whether you identify as lesbian, bisexual, or queer; butch, femme, or androgynous; traditionally gendered or transgendered—and even if you have just begun to consider the possibility that you, a woman, might desire sex with a woman—this book is for you.

chapter two

Desire and Fantasy

Fantasies, like dreams or myths, are ways we talk to ourselves about our most profound
truths
.

—DOSSIE EASTON
¹

WHAT DO LESBIAN, BISEXUAL, AND QUEER WOMEN DESIRE from our women lovers? Well, just about everything you can imagine—and more. We want the fullness of a woman’s sex in our hands and our mouths and between our legs. We want to smell her arousal and drink our own juices from her fingers. We want to feel her breasts and taste her nipples.

We desire bountiful, luscious, mind-altering moments of pleasure. We nurture dreams we would never make real and dreams we would leap at the chance to fulfill—the hungry gaze of a stranger, the astonishment of a lover revealed in orgasm, bodies like and unlike our own, discovery, transformation, exposure, secrecy, need yielding to force, and need yielding to need. And then—with an unexpected touch, a glance of skin in a spill of light, humidity flavored by sex—we drown in memory.

What do
you
desire sexually? Do you want the same things today that you wanted ten years ago? One year ago? Last week? What turned you on at 12 may have seemed quite silly at 16, and what you liked at 16 may evoke little but nostalgia now. So why would you think that what heats you up now will suffice for the rest of your active sex life?

The inner voice of Eros is arbitrary, bizarre, impeccably honest, bountiful, and so powerful as to be cruel. It takes courage to hear its demands and follow them.

PATRICK CALIFIA

What desires do you allow yourself? Is it OK to fantasize about sex with a man? Sex
as
a man? Sex in the gender that lives most deeply within you? Is it OK for a survivor of violence to masturbate to rape fantasies? For an incest survivor to fantasize sex with siblings? Are you betraying your partner if you fantasize about other people? Her best friend, for instance?

Desire is a slippery beast. What actually stirs you to passion may bear little resemblance to what you
say
you want. Or what you think you
should
want. You may have no idea why a particular scenario makes your heart race. You need not understand or even approve of your desires. You can keep up with the latest theories in the popular press, but you’ll probably never really know why you desire women, or men, or both.

Your desires are uniquely yours. You have your own constellation of fantasies, needs, and turn-ons, plus your own history of sexual attractions and experiences. Your desires reveal who you are, where you came from, what’s important to you, what you yearn for, and what you fear. No good will come from attempting to mold your desire into something that looks like everyone else’s. Indeed, that’s the surest route to ending up with no desire at all. The key to developing a sexuality that will challenge and delight you is to bless every crazy twist and turn of your erotic imagination.

I am a huge exhibitionist. I wear transparent, lacy, laced-up things with bits of flesh exposed. Slits in my gowns that go up to
here
. I get a lot of attention….

What’s Your Fetish?

Are you turned on by six-inch stilettos? What about engineer’s boots polished to gleaming obsidian? Does an exquisite Victorian corset make your blood pound? Perhaps you work up a sweat over leather, lace, latex, rubber, or fur?

A fetish is an erotic attachment to an ordinarily nonsexual activity, inanimate object, or body part. What qualifies as a fetish is a matter of opinion. According to Freud, a fetish “bears some relation to the normal sexual object but is entirely unsuited to serve the normal sexual aim”—heterosexual procreative sex was what Freud had in mind.
²
By that definition, you could argue that
all
lesbian, bisexual, and queer women are fetishists, since we share an interest in erotic practices outside Freud’s “normal sexual aim.”

What may have seemed fetishistic to Sigmund Freud may be a staple of your erotic fare, and what seems exotic to you may be someone else’s sexual routine. Many people think of unusual sexual activities as “kinky” or fetishistic simply because they’re unfamiliar. (Conversely, Patrick Califia quips that much truly fetishistic behavior passes as normal because it has become so widespread no one notices it anymore. The heterosexual American male attachment to big breasts comes to mind.
³
)

Originally, a fetish was an object believed to have magical powers—for example, a small carved figure of an animal thought to heal or protect its owner. A fetish object was “regarded with awe…as the embodiment of a potent spirit.”
⁴
Thus, a strap-on dildo can be viewed as a fetish, in the classic sense of an object invested with erotic desire and power. Many butches and female-to-male transsexuals (FTMs) would disagree with that label, however. It’s not the dildo sitting on the shelf that exudes masculine erotic power; it’s who’s driving it that counts. For them, wearing a strap-on dildo represents an expression of their deeply held gender identity.

Fetishes can develop ritualistically around necessities like safer-sex practices. Snap on a latex glove in certain lesbian circles and watch the heads turn. Clothing reserved for erotic use is seen as fetishistic. Often fetish gear is too revealing to wear on the street—for instance, a body suit with a cut-out crotch. But not always—sometimes context creates the eroticism. A man who walks into a sex club attired in a business suit will seem out of place, and he may be asked to leave. A dyke in a suit and tie can breeze past the “Fetish Gear Required” sign, knowing she’ll be viewed as delightfully kinky. That same cross-dressing dyke may pass so well on the street that no one blinks an eye. Likewise, patent leather mary janes with little lacy anklets under a Catholic-schoolgirl plaid skirt won’t raise an eyebrow—until worn by an adult woman whose tight blouse reveals abundant cleavage.

Fetishes involving costume are perhaps the most widely known and practiced. Leather chaps, revealing lingerie, severe corsets, latex dresses, rubber hoods, and chain-mail chest harnesses are popular items of fetish gear. Many women have uniform fetishes and go to considerable effort to acquire authentic dress of soldiers, sailors, and cops—right down to the billy club. Uniform fetishists may or may not be exhibitionists.

Many women enjoy erotic practices such as spanking, bondage, and water sports (also called piss play or golden showers). A hot stream of urine splashing from one woman’s body onto another’s is an intense turn-on to many women. (To play safe, keep urine away from broken skin and the eyes and mouth.)

Body modification, such as tattoos, piercings, cuttings, branding, and scarification, holds deep significance for many. Some eroticize the experience of getting (or giving) a body modification; others are more interested in the result. You can think of genital shaving as a temporary body modification. The ritual of shaving one’s own genital area can heighten the anticipation of a hot date. Shaving a partner’s genitals can make for an exciting encounter. See “Genital Shaving” in chapter 10, Clitoral Play.

Once, we had sex in an airplane. We pulled the blanket up and she put her fingers in my cunt. I was coming quietly, high above New Orleans.

Whether you call your erotic interest a fetish or simply a turn-on is up to you. The point is that you feel free to develop your interests. Lesbian, bisexual, and queer women engage in many different fetish practices, more than could possibly be listed here. You can find organizations, books, magazines, websites, and online discussion groups devoted to a particular fetish. (See chapter 20, Resources.)

Run Wild

What if you just don’t know what you
want
? Many women come to sex with a frustrating sense of vagueness. Sure, your clit leaps to meet your partner’s desire—but on your own, you don’t know what you want. Even if you have a pretty good idea of what heats you up, embarrassment may keep you from fulfilling those desires. Worse yet, that cold stone of shame caught in your gut says you’re wrong no matter
what
you want. Or, you may despair over ever finding a partner whose desires will match yours. You haven’t met a likely candidate yet—so why bother? Like unpicked fruit, your fantasies might just as well wither and die on the vine.