The World's Loudest Armpit Fart (4 page)

‘It must have been the Jelly Fairy.’

‘Mum!’ cried Natalie. ‘Tell him!’

‘Danny,’ said Mum sternly, ‘I’m telling you.’

‘It’s only a bit of jelly,’ protested Danny. ‘I thought they’d like a midnight snack. It’s Boiled Egg and Banana flavour.’

‘Oh no!’ cried Kylie. ‘I’m allergic to eggs!’

Everyone stared at her feet. Sure enough, they were swelling up nicely and turning red and blotchy. Natalie grabbed the handful of jelly from Mum and hurled it at her brother.

She missed.

The next morning, Danny escaped from the house before the girls woke up. He went with his dad to watch the Coalclough Sparrows play their second game of the season.

‘Maradona Potts is good, isn’t he?’ said Danny.

‘Pretty good,’ agreed Dad.

‘Do you think I’ll get my place back in the team when I’m fit?’

Dad ruffled Danny’s hair. ‘Potts is a good shot-stopper, but his positioning isn’t as good as yours.’

Maradona’s father barked instructions to his son from the line nearby.

‘Get those defenders sorted!’

‘Tell that stupid centre half to get out of your way!’

‘That box is your territory – be master of it!’

‘Attack those crosses!’

‘Remember, Maradona: you’re the best!’

Dad grinned at Danny and rolled his eyes.

The referee blew his whistle for the end of the game. The Sparrows had won two–nil, and Maradona had kept his second clean sheet.

‘Yessss!’ cheered Mr Potts. ‘That’s my boy! The best goalkeeper in the world ever!’

Maradona strutted from the pitch. ‘Still think you’ll get back in the team?’ he sneered at Danny as he passed.

‘Nincompoop,’ whispered Danny. ‘Numpty,’ agreed Dad.

Dear Mr Bibby

I’m having serious jelly trouble! They wobble too much and keep spoiling my records! I tried to break the Individual Keepy-uppy Jellyball-headers record using Garlic and Gooseberry flavour, but after six headers, the jelly plopped all over my noggin! I was still picking jelly out of my nose two days later. At least I had fun flicking the picking at Natalie – she wasn’t to know it was just green jelly!

After that, I tried to break the Jelly-trampoline Backward-somersault record using Tripe and Treacle mix. What a disaster! After just two backflips, the trampoline burst like a great big water-bomb and splattered jelly all over me, Matthew, the garden,
and Nat’s
knickers on the washing line.

I got next door’s dog to eat up the stuff in the garden, but Nat's pants were ruined. She’s
really
had enough of my jelly pranks and was going to tell Mum, but I offered to clean out her rabbit hutch for two weeks. All the straw and lettuce and rabbit poo gave me an idea. If we add
that
to the mix, it might make the jelly a bit stiffer. Matthew’s also experimenting by mixing different flavours to see if he can get it right for The Big One – we’re going for the Longest Mexican Jelly-wave in s Stadium! Can you tell me how far the wave would have to go to be a world-beater?

Best wishes

Danny Baker

Dear Danny

Bad luck with your latest attempts. Jelly records are never easy and getting the mix right is vital. But I must warn you that adding anything to your jelly (even rabbit droppings!) would disqualify you from any record attempt: your jellies
must
be pure. Mixing different flavours is allowed, however.

If you find that one batch is really bouncy, you could try the Long-distance Jelly Foot-springs Bouncing record. This is held by Derrick Yorick, of Warwick, who tried to bounce from Land’s End to John o’ Groats with Melon and Meringue-flavoured jellies strapped to his boots.

His route took him through Stratford-upon-Avon, where he stopped for a few buns at the As You Lick It Pastry Shoppe. Energized by the sugary cakes, and eager to get on with his journey, Derrick began to bounce too hard and lost control of his jelly-springs. He vaulted over the wall of Falstaff’s Pork-pie Factory, through an open window and straight into the factory’s giant pork-pie jelly-vat.

Alas! Poor Yorick was never seen again. Falstaff’s Pork Pies were unusually tasty that week, but nothing was ever proved. Derrick never knew that he had bounded to a new Long-distance Jelly Foot-springs Bouncing world record of 416.7 km.

With regard to the Mexican Jelly-wave: no one has ever managed to get right the way round a stadium before. The longest wave rolled 288 m around Uddersfield Town’s Maryfield Stadium in July 1996, but broke down on the final corner. I’m sure you’ll do better, Danny!

Best wishes

Eric Bibby

Keeper of the Records

The boys were in the bathroom at Danny’s house, trying out a new mixture.