The World's Loudest Armpit Fart

Contents

The Wibbly Wobbly Wonder

The Penleydale Clarion

Hard Cheese

The Cheatboy

The Jelly Fairy

Sally Versus Maradona

The Wibbly Wobbly Wonder

Sally Versus Danny

Danny Baker – Record Breaker

The Lemon-Puff Peril

Summer’s End Saturday

Wet Pants

Crossing The Line

Prune

A Bad Attack of Wind

The Lemon-puff Peril

Danny Baker – Record Breaker

Dirty Do-ings in Burly Bottoms!

By Reginald Heap, Chief News Reporter

An illegal Yorkshire cheese caused uproar last weekend at the finish of the Penleydale Junior Uphill Cheese-rolling Race.

For the 143rd year running, competitors pushed their regulation circular thirty centimetre Waxy Penleydale Cheeses along the traditional ten-kilometre course. The route took them up Boggart’s Nose, across Miggin’s Mop and over Hangman’s Hump, before finally dropping down into Burly Bottoms.

With the finishing line in sight, the temperature hit a Penleydale record of 33.7°C. The lead cheese, being rolled by new-boy Maradona ‘The Cheeseboy’ Potts, disintegrated and melted, and roller after roller was sent tumbling on the greasy liquid cheese.

Ollie ‘The Drainpipe’ Snodgrass, age 11, of Hogton, kept his head – and his feet – and rolled his cheese over the pile of fallen competitors to win. Local boy Danny ‘Record Breaker’ Baker, who won last year’s race in record time, broke a small bone in his foot, but hobbled on to finish in seventh place.

Judge Harry Clegg explained, ‘The Waxy Penleydale is highly resistant to extreme temperatures, and would never melt like Maradona’s cheese did. Closer inspection of the offending fromage confirmed that it was an illegal Grimsdyke Crumbly, disguised to look like a Waxy Penleydale. The Grimsdyke is lighter than the Penleydale, so it’s easier to push uphill.’

Maradona Potts, now renamed ‘The Cheatboy’, was disqualified, and banned from competing in the race For Ever (+ ten years).

Result:

1st: Ollie ‘The Drainpipe’ Snodgrass

2nd: Trixibelle ‘Bossyboots’ Wolstenholme

3rd: Kristian ‘The Bookworm’ Renshaw

4th: Jack ‘The Teabag’ Spratt

5th: Samantha ‘Tufty’ Tompkins

6th: Matthew ‘The Calculator’ Mason

7th: Danny ‘Record Breaker’ Baker

8th: Ryan ‘The Zombie’ Wilkins

9th: Steve ‘Snotbucket’ Snitterton

10th: Carly ‘Jam Butty’ Benson

Retired hurt: Tommy ‘Spiffy’ Spofforth, Lucy ‘Nose-picker’ Knowles, Billy ‘The Big Toe’ Bowling

Disqualified: Maradona ‘The Cheatboy’ Potts

To the Keeper of the Records

The Great Big Book of World Records

London

Dear Mr Bibby

I’ve got a plaster cast up to my knee because I hurt my foot when I slipped on a cheese. I’m going to miss the start of the new football season, and my doctor said I’ll be out for four weeks. My Grandad Nobby says I’m lucky it’s only four weeks. When he slipped on the Rotting Chowhabunga seed-pod, he was out for four decades!

The doctor counted all the times I’ve needed treatment because of my record attempts, including:

My unwashed 207-spot bottom

My dangerously stinky feet

My walking-backwards-Wonderfluff-nappy-box-on-the-head incident

My boffin-baffling gobbledegook

My hospital-food-fuelled mighty trump

And my whistling, budgie-costumed, up-a-tree Spanish cramp.

When the doctor added these to all the other times I’ve been with coughs, injections, infections and stuff, I’ve had to see a doctor seventy-nine times. She said that must be a record. I
think
she was probably joking with me, but
is
it a record?

Best wishes

Danny Baker

PS I only need to get through one more match without anyone scoring against me, to break the record for Most Consecutive Games without Conceding a Goal. Keep your fingers crossed!

Dear Danny

Yes, I’m afraid the doctor
was
joking with you. The record for Highest Number of Separate Incidents Requiring Medical Treatment belongs to Elmer Boggs of Picatinny, New Jersey, USA.

During his lifetime, Elmer broke every bone in his body at least once,
including
the small bones in both ears. He pulled every muscle, and tore every tendon. Elmer was stung by jellyfish, bees, wasps and a scorpion, and was bitten by 185 different kinds of animal, including a cow, a squirrel, a bushbaby, a shark, a tortoise and a ladybird. He also had 2,469 separate diseases and made a total of 23,423 visits to the doctor.

Unwisely for someone who had such an accident-prone life, in 1984 Elmer volunteered to put his head in a lion’s mouth to raise money for charity. This, of course, was a big mistake, and when the lion sneezed . . .

Recordologists cannot agree if his death should be included in the total, as he was seen by a doctor to pronounce him dead. I think it should, so I have.

Good luck with your first game back, Danny. I hope you manage to keep a clean sheet and break another record. I’ll be keeping my fingers, toes, ears, legs
and
eyes crossed!

Best wished

Eric Bibby

Keeper of the Records

Danny and his best friend, Matthew Mason, arrived at Walchester United for the first home game of the new season. The ground was full to bursting. The crowd had been waiting all summer for this, and excitement fizzed around the stands. Danny manoeuvred his plaster cast with some difficulty along the row of seats and sat down next to Matthew. The boys joined in the singing and chanting:

‘Walchester United are the best team in the world!

After Barcelona, Real Madrid, AC Milan, Juventus, Man United and Chelsea!

Oh, and Bayern Munich, Ajax and all the teams in Brazil!

And Accrington Stanley, who beat us in the Cup two years ago!

Apart from that we’re the best team in the world!’

The shrill blare of trumpets echoed through the stadium and the singing turned into a mighty roar. Danny and Matthew looked towards the tunnel, just below where they sat, and saw two men scurry on to the pitch carrying a large circular sign emblazoned with the words, ‘Wibberley Wobberley – the Jellies from Mobberley’.

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