The XOXO New Adult Collection: 16 Full Length New Adult Stories (375 page)

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H
aving a newborn again had its own challenges, but it was just what this family needed to begin the healing process. Drew was in love with Lily and spent every second with her, and Lexus was starting to find her confidence away from me again. It had only been a week since I brought Lily home, but the house had come alive so much. She literally made the world go round and had all of us wrapped around her little fingers.

One day I would be able to tell all of them how Daddy's last moment was saving her life. It was an inspiring story and one that would bond them forever in spite of not being blood-related.

Kylie left for a few days to be with her
fiancé
. I was so fortunate to have her. The kids were at school, so I was playing with Lily in her new nursery. We had spent all week turning the office into a beautiful wonderland. I wanted the kids to feel the magic of imagination, so her room encompassed an enchanted world full of magical creatures.

I was playing on the floor with her when the doorbell chimed. I had come so accustomed to ignoring it when Dean wasn't home, but I was expecting certified mail from the adoption agency that I didn't want to miss. I put Lily in the safety of her crib. "I'll be right back, Froggy." After I told the kids the nickname we had for them at this age, they insisted on calling her it. It was kind of ironic since her name was Lily. I rubbed her belly and ran downstairs.

"Coming!" I shouted since I had taken my time to answer the door. I wasn't prepared for my guest.

"Hi."

It was Braedyn.

What do you say in a moment like this? My heart dropped to my toes, and my mind went blank.

"Umm, hi?"

"This is weird, right?" he questioned.

I still couldn't say anything. Sitting on top of every other emotion imaginable was guilt, which kept me mute.

"I went back and forth if I should come. I heard about Dean's accident and I wanted to come, but I knew it was best if I stayed away. Then, I heard he passed away, and I wanted to be there for you, but again, I didn't think it was right. I went to the funeral, but couldn't muster up the nerve to say anything to you. You were so sad, and your kids were there. It took me all this time to come here when I wasn't sure I ever would, but I can see it was a mistake. I'm sorry." He turned and walked down the path.

He had said all of that so fast, and my brain was still wrapping around him being here. "Wait, Braedyn."

He stopped and faced me. "I'm so sorry, Lennox. For everything. For this. Life seems so unfair sometimes, and you're the last person who deserved this. I just wanted to be here for you. That's it. No strings attached. I want to make this all go away for you, the pain, disappointment, guilt. I just don't know if I deserve to be."

I listened to his heart bleed the truth of his words and felt my heart bleed the pain of the last twelve years. I would never want to do anything to dishonor what Dean and I had, but I knew he would want the kids and me to be happy. He would want us to not only move on, but to live. "No strings attached," were all my lips could mutter and all my soul had to give.

Lily started crying. Braedyn looked at me curiously. "That's Lily, my foster child that I'm hoping to adopt. Would you like to meet her?"

"I would love to." He smiled.

I let him into the house and back into my life, and I closed the door on the past, opening a new world of possibilities for all of us.

Life was funny and strange, cruel and amazing, but above all, held hope. Hope. The one word that made my world go round. Fate. A word that burned holes into the life I had carefully mapped out. Those two words were complete opposites, playing tug-of-war with my heart and my cry for redemption. I loved having hope, but cursed it for holding me back. I loathed fate for taking the control out of my hands and placing it in the hands of an unknown force.

When I brought Lily home for the first time, I had a renewed sense of hope for the future, and like my true nature, I had already begun mapping out our little lives together. Then fate stomped on my plans once again like a smoker smashing a cigarette into the ground.

Braedyn re-entered my life. Whether it was too soon or not, I knew I couldn't turn him away. I needed him. I still loved him. I never stopped loving him. I gave Dean all of me when he died and with that I died, but I was reborn, and the second I met Braedyn's eyes again, I knew he was my resurrection.

The months after Dean's death were challenging, but I had grown from yet another experience and had my three beautiful children to remind me that the ugly monster living in the closet was only a temporary nightmare in my life story.

Kylie moved back home, had a small wedding and was two months pregnant. I was so happy for her and her new life. She had finally found her purpose and trusted someone enough to give her all to them. She had so much to offer the world, and her story would continue to captivate me.

Braedyn and I remained friends. Actually, we fell back into our old friendship of love and vulnerability. My love was susceptible at this point, and I didn't think it was fair to anyone, including my kids, for me to rush into anything. I had let my emotions control my life for too long, and it was time to focus that kind of devotion onto my children rather than myself. There was time to explore love in the future, but I wasn't in a hurry. Braedyn understood and was so sweet about waiting for me.

I found out a lot about him over the months. He was a fireman, as well, which made me leery and uncomfortable at first. I had promised myself never again, but I couldn't fault him for doing what he loved like Dean had. I also learned that he had several long-term relationships over the years, but they failed as soon as he realized he wasn't into them as much as his girlfriends were. One night he had confessed to me he had never felt for any of them the way he did about me. I loved him for his raw honesty.

He held onto every letter I wrote him. It was hard telling him I burned all but one, but he understood. He moved to the area, and we spent the evenings he had off after the kids went to sleep recreating the ashes. The story we had written in our letter exchanges was enchanting. We both had a passion for writing, so we turned our letters into a full-fledged story. It was sad and beautiful, but most of all, it was magical and it reminded us of what we had with the promise of having it again.

I also continued the blog. An editor of a popular magazine stumbled across it and approached me about publicizing it. At first, I was hesitant, but knowing my story could help someone else navigate the difficulties of a unique lifestyle, including the challenges of living with bipolar disorder, I agreed. My blog went viral quickly, and I was able to make a decent income off of its popularity. I was humbled by the support I received by so many strangers.

Turner, Dean's best friend and my rock during the most difficult time of my life, became a pivotal figure in my kids' lives. They looked to him as a father figure, and the way he lit up their faces warmed my heart. He was a good man and the only one I would let near my children. I hadn't introduced Braedyn to them yet, which hurt him, but it was for the best. The best for my children.

I was still guarded and skeptical, and Turner had been around since they were born. They called him Uncle Turner, and they needed that constant male presence in their lives, especially Drew. I knew Turner would always be there. I couldn't say the same for Braedyn. At least not yet.

Drew was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. He had the milder form, bipolar II, the same as me. It was heartbreaking to hear the diagnosis, but I was glad we identified it sooner rather than later. I agreed to medication for him, because I knew from experience that growing up was difficult enough as a normal child with no afflictions. I didn't want him to suffer unnecessarily and risk him hurting himself as I had done. I went through periods of cutting that scarred my arms to this day, and I didn't want the same for him. If medication would make his days a little bit easier, then I would give that to him.

I went back on my medication, too. There wasn't a cure for bipolar disorder, and I didn't want to risk falling back into old patterns that I couldn't avoid because my brain chemistry was naturally in a distressed state. I was still seeing my own therapist and I had gone back to yoga, so I was hoping the combination of things I was doing would not only make life manageable, but possibly make things feel real for once.

Unless you are afflicted with this illness, you would never truly understand the challenges it presents. The best way to describe it was like riding a roller coaster that had endless ups and downs, twists and turns, and goes on forever. The highs felt taller than the highest mountain peak while the lows felt like your heart was seconds away from giving up.

The feelings can last a few days, but sometimes change daily. It was confusing and disorienting to live like this, never feeling confident in the truth of your feelings. I never knew if I was truly happy when I was up, and I didn't know how far I would go when I was down. The medication balanced me, so I could live as everyone was intended to live. I had confidence and could make informed decisions. I felt free.

Lexus was young enough when Dean died that she was able to adjust more quickly, although she still asked about him. It was hard to explain the permanence of death to a child, so I just told her he was gone and that he didn't want to leave but the world had other plans for him, but he would miss her every day of her life. She accepted my response, but still hurt from his absence.

Lily was doing well, and we were very close to a permanent adoption. She was the perfect baby, and the kids absolutely adored her. Drew protected her obsessively. She was a little angel, and whenever I looked into her eyes, I would see Dean's sacrifice reflected back. Instead of hurting, it made me proud. He was a selfless person, and while the universe's plan for him was hard to digest, it couldn't have been more perfect. His life had purpose, and Lily was living proof that his death did too.

I still had a lot to figure out, but for now I was living, not just surviving. My family adored Turner, and I was fulfilling my dream of writing. I had it all with Dean, but I could never let go enough to see it. I saw it now. I just wish Dean were here to witness it, to see his kids grow up, and to see me happy. Now, I just needed to decide where we went from here.

It was a picturesque summer day, so I decided to surprise the kids and bring them to mine and Dean's beach. He had told them several times about the story of how he asked me to marry him, but we'd never had a chance to go. It was a long drive, and there were beaches much closer to our house.

I strapped Lily in her car seat and checked to make sure Drew and Lexus were buckled up.

"You guys ready for some fun?" I teased.

"Moooom, tell us where we're going," Drew begged.

"Are we going to Disneyland?" shouted Lexus eagerly.

This was a nostalgic moment because the last time we did a surprise trip somewhere it was to Disneyland. "No, sweetie, but I promise it will be awesome." It was tricky hiding the beach stuff in the back without them noticing, but I managed.

The drive down there was relatively quiet. Lily fell asleep, Lexus was watching a movie, and Drew was playing video games. I listened to the playlist Dean had made me for our engagement trip to the beach. It was hard sometimes to remember, but I didn't want to forget, so I let small things like this keep him present.

I pulled into the full beach parking lot. It was definitely a beach day, but I was surprised how packed this little hideaway was. Not many people knew about it, which was why Dean and I had frequented it in the past. A car was leaving in the front row, so I squeezed in after patiently waiting for them to pull out. Recognition finally hit the kids that we were at the beach.

"Oh, yeah, we're at the beach," Drew sung. "Did you bring my boogie board?"

"I sure did, honey."

"Mommy, will you make sand cupcakes with me?" Lexus chimed in.

"Only if I can have a vanilla one with pink frosting." I laughed.

I climbed out of the car and unloaded the kids first. I left Lily in her seat until I was ready to make my first trip down to the beach.

"Uncle Turner!" Drew shouted.

I spun around, shocked to see him. Drew jumped into his arms, and he carried him back to the car. I mouthed
what are you doing here.
He smiled tightly and winked.
What was he up to?
I returned an odd smile.

"Do you want me to get Lily for you?" he offered.

"Would you mind getting the beach stuff instead?"

"Sure. You want to help me, little man?" He rustled Drew's long locks.

"I'll carry my boogie board."

"Can I carry my toys?" Lexus squealed.

He grabbed a bag of beach toys out of the back and handed them to Lexus. "It's pretty heavy," he exaggerated.

"I can do it. I'm strong," she said proudly.

Turner chuckled. "I bet you are. Here you go." He put the bag over her shoulder.

Drew grabbed his board, and Turner was nice enough to pile on the rest of the stuff and lug it down to the sand. They disappeared around the corner toward mine and Dean's special spot. I carefully scooped up Lily, who was still sleeping. I threw a baby blanket over her to shield her skin from the sun, shut the door, and locked up.

I walked slowly, taking my time over the loose rocks. Falling with a baby in my arms was not on my agenda for the day. As I turned the corner, I about lost it. Turner had invited all of Dean's and my close friends, family, and department buddies to an elaborate beach party. There were blankets strewn all over the area and kids running rampant. Turner jogged up to me.

"I hope this was okay?" he muttered unsure.

"Turner... how...?" I was at a loss for words.

"You mentioned bringing the kids here, and I remember what this place meant to you and Dean, and you didn't have a reception after the funeral, so I thought what better way to celebrate him. To celebrate your family."