This Regret (21 page)

“Don’t you speak of him that way.” I yank my shoulder away from her and look her in the eye, breathing heavily. Maybe my instinct to protect him is just as strong as his is to protect me. I don’t know, but suddenly, I feel as if I could tear these walls down and set fire to the world. Her words sting like hell and shatter my heart. She didn’t know him. She doesn’t know him. “You don’t know shit about him. All you know are the lies. The ones he made up to protect Adric.” I take a step closer, looking directly at her to be sure she understands my words. “You didn’t know that, did you? About ninety percent of the time that Kellan was in trouble for something, it was because he stood up for Adric and took the blame. He was a good friend and a hell of a good person.”

She looks at me as if I’m some kind of alien and I speak a different language. “What makes you so sure of that?” Her bottom lip shakes in anger, not wanting to believe me. She would never believe that Adric could do any wrong. To her, he was an angel and I hate to be doing this right now. I’m not even sure why I am.

“I was there. In case you forgot, I was always there. Now please excuse me while I get ready for this party.” I point at my bedroom door and exhale, feeling like total crap for snapping out on her. “Please, just go. I need to calm down and get ready and I can’t with you insulting someone so important to me. It’s not right and I won’t stand for it. Please just go.”

“You want me to leave?” She questions me, looking a bit shook up. Her eyes soften and suddenly I feel like total crap for saying anything at all.

I nod and fidget with my skirt. “Just my room. You’re welcome here as long as you want and you know that. That’s what family is for. I just need to be alone right now.”

“Okay, I can respect that.” She turns to leave, but then stops. “By the way. I heard your phone ringing from inside the oven. I’m not too sure, but you might want it back before Zoe gets home and starts baking the casserole.”

I laugh, feeling ridiculous for putting it there in the first place. “Thanks. I kind of needed to get away from that for a while as well. It’s been a tough week.” I smile weakly as she nods her head and sucks in her bottom lip, trying not to smile.

“Understandable. I’m going to grab a few things from the house and I’ll be back later.”

“Okay.” I walk over and place my hand on the door. “Just do yourself a favor and don’t go by dad's when he is home. Not now at least.”

She exhales and steps out into the hall. “It was that obvious, I guess. Thanks for the advice, but I can’t make any promises.”

I know exactly what she means. Sometimes the heart can make a person do stupid things. “Just be careful mom, I’ll see you later.”

She smiles and walks away without another word. As soon as she’s out of sight, I close my
door and get ready to lay down, before remembering my phone is still in the oven. “Shit.” I hurry down the hall, through the house to see no one is home, that I can see at least. I grab my purse out of the oven, make my way back to my room, and throw myself face first onto my bed.

Reaching into my purse, I pull out my phone, roll over on my back and check my missed calls. My heart races with anticipation, but quickly slows down when I see I have a missed call from both Kade and Jen, but no Kellan.

The only thing that seems better than burying myself into the comfort of these blankets right now, would be to bury myself into the warmth of Kellan’s strong arms. The scent of his cologne still burns in the back of my mind. I can imagine the taste of him on the tip of my tongue. A pleasantly sweet taste. Just the thought of his naked body, perfectly defined muscles flexing above me, as he buries himself inside me, causes my whole body to shake with pleasure. I close my eyes and picture his tongue running down the seam of my body. I can feel the tingle through my body, imagining his lip ring brushing against my skin. Whenever I see him, my body craves to be near him like metal to a magnet. I want to touch him, to have him and to make him mine.

Before I can stop myself, my mind fills with endless thoughts of Kellan thrusting inside of me. I feel a wetness pool in my underwear. My hand slowly creeps its way down my stomach, to my legs, and finally up skirt as my legs spread apart. Just the thought of Kellan alone has my sex slick and ready. It surprises me to realize just how turned on I am. With just the simple brush of my finger over my clit, my muscles clench and I’m on the verge of an orgasm without even skin to skin contact. “M
mm, Kellan,” I moan quietly.

Running my fingers under the band of my panties, I slide them over my bottom and down my legs, removing
them and tossing onto the floor. I run my finger over the wetness, imagining Kellan being the one to touch me. This turns me on even more and I bite my lip so hard it almost bleeds. “Why do you do this to me? Ah!” I pull my hand away and place both hands over my face, breathing heavily. Touching myself has never made me feel this way before and the thought scares me. If he can do this to me when he’s not even around, just imagine if he was here.

Shit!
Now I really need to finish this off or I'll be miserable the rest of the day. Reaching into the bedside table, I pull out my battery-operated boyfriend I obtained at sex toy bingo and with shaking hands, press the power button. The vibrator has ten different settings and I know that as turned on as I am, I only need the lowest setting, but if it were Kellan then I could only imagine it being rough, so I turn on the highest speed. I’ve only had sex with one guy before and to be honest, he was too gentle and caring and I could use a little roughness. I close my eyes and place the vibrator between my legs as thoughts of Kellan, gripping my waist and pounding into me invades my thoughts. Within seconds, my muscles are clenching and tightening around the vibrator with the most intense orgasm I have ever had.

I throw the vibrator down next to me and close my legs while running my hands over my face and smiling. “Oh shit! That’s what I’ve been missing out on.” Either this vibrator works miracles or Kellan has some kind of special power over my body that works wonders. Whatever it is felt amazing.

I jump, feeling nervous as my phone goes off next to me. “Crap!” I reach for the phone and suddenly feel dirty when I see the name that pops up. Perfect timing to make me feel like shit.

Kade: Don’t ditch me. The party starts in twenty minutes and I’ll be looking for you.

Phoenix: Trust me, I’ll be there. I keep my word.

* * *

I arrive at the Ranch a little later than expected and as I park my car in the clutter of vehicles, I can see most of the party guests have already arrived. I can imagine that Kade is becoming a little nervous by this point and when he sent me about five text messages to be sure I was still coming, I did nothing to ease his mind. I couldn’t. The truth was, I turned around at least three different times in an attempt to change my mind, but the guilt finally won over and I knew I didn’t have a choice.

Nervously, I pull the keys from the ignition and run my sweaty palms over the cloth of the seat to wipe them off. Sitting here, in this driveway on this particular day, I can’t help but to look around for Kellan. As selfish as it seems, I kind of feel as if him being here would somehow make it more bearable.

I step out of my car and take a deep breath, breathing in the fresh air. Although it is hot as hell outside, breathing in the fresh Ranch air helps to calm me down a bit. This place has always helped soothe me in the past. Maybe a part of it had to do with the fact I knew this was where Kellan grew up and although he wasn’t always here when I was, I knew he would be coming back. It gave me a feeling of peace, until he ruined that.

Without realizing it, I’m searching through the mess of vehicles in search of Kellan’s truck or motorcycle. Either one will do. I just want him here. A sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach takes over, making me fe
el nauseous when I realize I’m being a silly little girl again with dreams that will never come true. He’s not showing up today. Why would he? He’s probably already long gone now that we’ve found his little shop. He obviously left for a reason, so why would he stick around, knowing we could show up to see him anytime we want? The thought causes my heart to ache.

“Did you get lost?” Kade’s voice comes from over my right shoulder, making me jump. These brothers are so damn good at making me nervous. “Kellan’s not here, if that’s who you’re looking for. I doubt that son of a bitch will have enough balls to show up.”

I swallow hard and close my eyes as he snakes his arm around my waist, pulling my body against his. I can already feel my heart quicken, just by being so close to him. I’m definitely a horrible person for having feelings for the both of them.
What the hell is wrong with me?
“I wasn’t looking for Kellan,” I lie, trying to sound convincing. “I was looking for Jen. I told her I’d just meet her here instead of her picking me up. Is she here yet?”

He walks around so he’s standing in front of me and his eyes trail down my body, checking me out. When his eyes land back on my face, he snickers with amusement. “Ah, I see. Jen’s Jeep is right next to your car.” He points behind me, making me feel like a fool. “You must have missed it when you squeezed in between that and Saline’s BMW.” He gives me a suspicious look before placing his hand on my cheek and sucking in his bottom lip. “You look really fucking ho
t today, so I’ll let it slide . . . this time. You know I won’t be able to resist you in front of everyone, right?”

The look in his baby blues is almost enough to make me want to give into him. They are so full of want and passion for me, that I can feel my body just gravitating towards his, until finally, my body is completely pressed against his, the stiffness in his jeans pressing into my stomach.
Why does he always have to have a boner?
It makes him even harder to resist. “Um . . . we should probably get inside before others come out looking for us.” I smile innocently, but he must take this as an invitation. “I’m sure your mom is looking for you.”

He snorts and runs his hands under my shirt. “You smell so damn good. I don’t remember you wearing perfume. Is it new, because now I have to taste it.” He leans in, running his nose along my neck, before pressing his lips under my ear. “I wish I could taste you somewhere else.”

“Okay, that’s just gross,” Jen interrupts. I’ve been inside looking for you and y’all have been out here getting it on in the open. That’s so dirty. Y’all could at least wait until the guest leave.”

I place my hand against Kade’s chest and give him a little shove in an attempt to break free, but it doesn’t work. He just tightens his hold. “We weren’t getting it on, Jen.” I struggle before pulling away from Kade. He rakes his fingers through his curls before leaning against some random truck, crossing his arms over his chest. He's watching me as I walk over to Jen and grab her arm. He looks a bit disappointed, but is trying to hide it behind a smirk. “Let’s get this over with. See you inside,” I call back to Kade.

“Sure thing,” she mouths as we walk away, leaving Kade leaning against the truck, watching us.

“For your information, we were close to getting it on, Jen. You ruined it, so thanks,” he calls after us.

“My pleasure,” Jen yells back before laughing and gripping my arm with her mommy grip. “I’m on to you, missy.”

As we walk up the wooden steps of the porch, I get a bad feeling about what exactly she’s on to me about. Most of the party takes place out back, where the stage and band is set up as well as the food. The quickest way around is through the house. From what I remember, everyone dances and eats at the picnic tables set up
, before the night show of fireworks. “I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

She stands there watching me as I reach for the old brass knob. Just as I’m about to push in the lever, she stops me. “You need to be a little more careful. You’ve been acting strange lately and don’t think I don’t notice the fact that you’re pining over Kellan again. I can see that distant look in your eyes whenever I talk to you. It’s dangerous for you to fall for both brothers. Are you crazy?”

Is this girl freaking psychic, or what? We haven’t even spoken of Kellan since that day at the company picnic. I made it a point not to, because I wanted to avoid these kinds of situations and assumptions.

“I’m not. What the hell Jen.” I glance behind me, being sure Kade is out of earshot before speaking. “I’m not falling
for the Haze brother’s, okay. I barely even speak to Kellan, and Kade and I are just having a little fun. I don’t have feelings for either, so drop it,” I warn.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk.” She waves a finger in my face and smiles as if she knows I’m lying. Of course she would. We’ve been friends for as long as I can remember. “My best friend is trying to fool me, but I’m a little smarter than that. I mean, I can see why you would fall for Kade, because he’s always around, but Kellan has been gone for years and can disappear again in a moment’s notice. Just be careful.”

Sometimes, I wish this girl didn’t know me so well. She’s had me figured out since the second grade. “Yes, mother. I will try to be more careful, even though, there is nothing to be careful about. You happy?”

She shrugs her shoulders and pushes open the door. “For now. We’ll just see for how long.”

“You drive me nuts, woman,” I mutter. “That’s why it’s so much more peaceful at home, in my bed.” At least it used to be, before my mom and Zoe moved in. Looks like I need to find a new place to be alone at. “I almost stayed home today.”