At the torment in her eyes, Nate wanted to throw something across the room. He wanted to do someone (and he knew
exactly
who) bodily harm. Instead, he kept careful control of these reactions and he hushed Lily by touching his lips to hers.
When he’d moved an inch away, he looked deep into her eyes and repeated, “Let it be, Lily.”
She was, he noted, not ready to let it be.
“I can show them the letters. I still have them, every single one. And I have to tell you about Fazire, what I wished, how this all comes down to me.”
One lone tear slid down her cheek. Nate brushed it away with his thumb and decided their conversation was finished. He wasn’t going to allow Lily to blame herself for their loss and he was definitely not going to stand there and watch her cry.
“It’s over, everyone is moving on,” Nate explained quietly. “There’s no reason to go back. Just let it be.”
Her eyes changed in a way that he could swear barely masked fear. She leaned into him further, her arms tightening around him.
“Will you?” she asked.
“Will I what?” he returned.
“Will
you
let it be? Will
you
stop working yourself to death to prove to everyone you’re sorry for something you didn’t do? Will
you
stop taking care of everyone and realise we’re all in this together? That we’re all supposed to take care of each other? That we’re a family, you and me and Tash. And your parents. And Fazire. Do
you
know it’s over and we’re moving on? Will
you
let it be?”
Unusually for Nate, he hadn’t seen it coming, he hadn’t realised she was negotiating him to this pass. He hadn’t noticed her bringing his guard down, battering his shields and going in for her soft, tender kill.
“Lily –” His voice sounded rough to his own ears and he felt his chest begin to expand and relax. He’d never had a family, a functional unit where people took care of each other. He had Laura and Victor, but he owed both of them his life and everything he was. Jeff and Danielle had never been family.
But, or course, he couldn’t tell Lily any of this.
“Please don’t transfer the money for your cycle into my account, Nate,” she whispered, cutting into his thoughts. “Please let me do something nice for you.”
Instead of speaking his answer, he tightened his hands on her face and she showed she understood his non-verbal assent by tightening her arms around his waist.
She came up on tiptoe and, her mouth against his, in a voice so soft he could barely hear her, she murmured, “For a lot of reasons, because there
are
a lot of reasons, I love you, Nate.”
He felt and did everything at once.
A surge of joy flew through him so strong he thought it had to have burned a path through his gut straight to his heart.
Before it could bring him to his knees, he bent and slid an arm under hers. Lifting her, he carried her to the bed, his mouth taking hers in a hot, demanding kiss.
At the same time, of their own accord, his battered shields slammed up and locked into place.
Her arms went around his neck and she kissed him back as he planted her in their bed, coming down on top of her.
When his mouth moved to her jaw, ear, neck, she repeated, “I love you, Nate.”
The words tore through him and he silenced her with his mouth, yanking at her clothes, pushing them down, pulling them up, throwing them aside.
When he was done, she pressed her gloriously naked body into him, running her hands over his fevered skin, wrapping a leg around his hip, sliding her lips across his jaw, nipping his shoulder with her teeth.
“I love you,” she said against his neck.
“Quiet, Lily,” he growled, taking her mouth in another hard kiss, working her with his hands and fingers, bruising her lips with his own, forcing her silence. When she was squirming underneath him, her fingernails on one hand scraping the skin of his back, her other hand moving between them to wrap around him, it was then he thought it was safe to take his mouth from hers and he used his lips, teeth and tongue in ways he knew would send her soaring.
“Nate, I love –” His mouth came back to hers to stop her words. To assure her silence, he spread her legs, positioned himself and slammed into her wet softness. She gasped against his tongue at the sudden, savage invasion but her body instantly began to move with his. She dug her heels into the bed to lift her hips, inviting and absorbing his violent thrusts.
He knew it was happening, felt it building in him as it built in her, he felt her tighten around him, her breath coming in short, quick pants, her arms holding him close. He experienced another kind of joy as he heard her cry out his name when she climaxed. Only then did he let go the control he had on his body, grinding into her sweet softness until he found his own release.
He allowed her to take his weight for brief moments, staying connected to her intimately, carefully filing away the feel of her under him, wrapped around him, before he rolled away.
Nate heard her soft mew of protest as he pulled out, something she did every time as if the loss of him tore an important part of her away. He catalogued the sound amongst his many memories as he gently arranged them in the bed, yanking the covers over them and holding her close to his side.
She didn’t speak, so he did.
“I won’t transfer the money,” he allowed, giving her that one thing as he’d be taking away everything else.
He felt her smile against his shoulder and she snuggled closer. He knew she thought she was closing in on sweet victory of the war she’d been waging for the last month.
“Thank you,” she whispered and, by the tone of her voice, Nate understood it meant the world to her.
He also realised that he’d made a colossal mistake.
Nate had been selfish. He’d wanted it all even when he knew he couldn’t have it, shouldn’t have it, but he took it anyway. He knew it the minute he’d watched her walk down Laura’s stairs to talk to the police after the man had tried to snatch her purse. He knew she was not for the likes of him.
He knew it then and he knew it now.
She thought their eight year drama had all been her fault but he knew she’d been a trusting innocent, a virgin, an Indiana girl who’d never even had a boyfriend.
It was Nate who’d taken all she was willing to give and all she was willing to give was
everything
. He’d forced her to sleep with him on their first date, forced her to move in with him after one night, purposefully made her pregnant to bind her to him then left her to face the consequences of his actions on her own. Then, when he found her again, he forced himself into her life, her home, her bed, her family and took even more.
Now he had it all and he wasn’t worthy of it.
He should have set up visitation with Natasha. He should have taken only what Lily was willing to give and allowed her to keep him at arm’s length. He should have worked at shielding
her
heart instead of letting her fall in love with a man who didn’t exist. A romantic hero, in her mind, who was, Nate knew, no romantic hero at all.
Now she thought she was in love with him but she didn’t know who he was, what he was, where he came from. When she found out, and eventually, Nate knew with certainty, she would, it would be all the more devastating to her.
Therefore, he had to commit one final act to take care of her, protect her and their daughter.
He felt Lily’s weight settle into him but Nate didn’t sleep that night. Instead he lay awake, feeling her soft, warm body pressed into his side, listening to her breathing, stroking her skin and hair and purposefully creating one last, precious memory.
Lily
Lily was terrified.
It was the day before her wedding and everything this past week between her and Nate had gone wrong, terribly wrong, completely wrong, cataclysmically, heartwrenchingly
wrong
.
“Has Nate arranged somewhere else to sleep tonight? It’s bad luck to see the bride on the wedding day,” Maxie said, wearing another flowing, amethyst caftan, this one threaded across the front with matching beads. She was smiling, but cautiously, unaware of the content of Lily’s rampaging thoughts but knowing they were there.
“Yes,” Lily answered quietly, averting her eyes but feeling both Maxie and Laura’s on her.
“Lily?” Laura asked carefully.
Lily jumped up from the couch in the front sitting room and started pacing, having no idea her habitual practice of pacing when she was anxious was speaking more than a million words, and
not
that she was having the usual pre-marital jitters, but something far more dire.
“Nate’s made arrangements,” Lily announced. “I’ve insisted he take Tash with him. They’ll meet us tomorrow at the Registry Office in Bath.”
“Tash is going with Nate?” Maxie asked slowly.
“Yes, I think it’ll be good for them to have this time alone together. Though Fazire is also going with them,” she contradicted herself and then remembered Victor’s announcement upon news that Nate was staying elsewhere that he’d accompany him as well. “And, as you know, Victor is going to be with them too so, really, Tash won’t be alone with Nate, as such.” Now she was both rambling and making little sense.
Maxie and Laura looked at each other.
“Fazire. Why?” Laura asked.
Lily didn’t respond. She wasn’t going to tell Laura that she didn’t need Fazire right now. She could barely cope with Maxie and Laura’s gentle concern. Fazire was chomping at the bit to speak to her. He’d been waiting for his moment for a week, finding Lily closing him down at every turn. Lily knew his patience, what little there was of it, was running out.
But Lily had made up her mind, she was going through with this and she didn’t want Fazire to talk her out of it.
* * * * *
It had been over a week since she gave Nate the motorcycle. Lily had been so certain she’d made headway that day with the way he’d reacted to her saving money for Tash’s school and the violent, stormy, uncontrolled way he’d made love to her after she’d told him she loved him. Then he had given in and let her buy him the bike without paying her back.
She’d been so certain she was melting his heart.
She’d been so certain she’d torn holes in his armour.
However, the next morning, everything changed.
Drastically.
He’d kept his normal routine, waking Tash, having breakfast with them but he was removed, more removed than his usual, he was
entirely
removed. Lily felt it, she saw it and it sliced through her.
Before leaving, he’d picked up Tash for their daily, Tash-wrapped-around-Nate-smack-on-the-lips good-bye, giving their daughter a warm smile. Then, unusually, he’d given Lily only a peck on the cheek. Even that, Lily had the uncomfortable feeling, was done for Tash’s benefit.
Nate had come home later than was his norm (Lily had been noticing he’d been coming home earlier and earlier each night). He’d read to Tash but then went directly to his study without a word to Lily.
Lily had decided to give him space; she’d gained ground and didn’t want to push it. She went so far as to go to bed without saying goodnight. She had made it her practice to visit him in his study for a goodnight kiss if he was working late, something she knew or thought they both enjoyed.
Nate had come up much later than usual but she had been awake, lying in the dark waiting for him. He didn’t turn to her, he didn’t make love to her, he didn’t pull her back into his front and burrow his face in her hair. Instead, he turned his back to her and went to sleep, just… like… that.
Throughout the weekend, Nate worked in his study all day each day and well into the night. He even avoided Victor and Laura although he welcomed Tash sitting and watching television in his study. He didn’t make love to Lily or pull her to him when he eventually sought their bed.
Victor, Laura and Fazire were casting strange, knowing glances amongst themselves but Lily knew better than to ask. Though she had to admit she found it peculiar that Fazire was participating in this behaviour, especially with Victor. Fazire had warmed a bit to Nate but never to Victor.
When the quiet and now openly concerned Victor and Laura left Sunday afternoon, Lily gave Nate his head until he left Tash’s room after she’d read herself to sleep and he headed straight to his study.
Lily followed him, knocked on the closed door and entered at his word. He barely glanced at her when she walked in and she felt her blood run cold.
“Nate?”
“What is it, Lily?” he asked, not lifting his eyes to hers after his first brief glance, his question sounding as if he didn’t much care about her answer and her cold blood slowed as ice crystals formed.
“Is something the matter?” Her voice was timid and unsure and his head came up at the sound of it. She felt a flicker of hope at the warm look she thought she caught in his eyes but then he shuttered them.
“I’m busy, Lily. We’re getting married next Saturday and then away for two weeks on honeymoon. I’ve a tremendous amount to do.”