Nate had done an excellent job. She could live without him and, in doing so, give their daughter a beautiful home, drive her around in an expensive car and make certain she had everything her little heart desired.
He hadn’t been angry that, in her turning off the phones, he couldn’t get through to
her
if something had happened.
It had all been for Tash, she realised, pain and bitterness searing through her.
All of it.
In fact, she wouldn’t be surprised if he
had
told Danielle to tell her he was dead all those years ago, tired of the naïve, clinging farm girl and ready to cut her loose. She’d probably been an interesting diversion, an inexperienced virgin. Men liked that. But once he’d got what he wanted, the interesting part obviously became not so interesting.
But finding that he had a child and also finding that Lily was going to put up a fight, a fight that it would be difficult for him to win (considering what she now convinced herself was his behaviour, his lies, his deceit, just like his brother and sister), he went about winning it another way.
And he enjoyed the spoils of victory in the meantime.
But when she’d told him she loved him, that was something he didn’t need, didn’t want and immediately and remorselessly, he threw it away.
Now that she knew her place, now that he’d made it blatantly clear with that debacle in the very room she was lounging in at that moment, he knew he had her where he wanted her. He’d hold her in the night, take from her when he wanted and leave her when he didn’t.
She was still nothing but a naïve, Indiana farm girl and not for the likes of him except for the tedious fact that she was the mother of his child.
Understanding this made it easier, she told herself (but she didn’t really believe herself). She knew where she stood. She knew why he wouldn’t give her what she needed, why he wouldn’t give her anything of himself.
Because it wasn’t hers to have.
Maybe, she hoped, one day he’d give it to Tash.
On this thought, she fell asleep on the couch only to be woken what seemed like minutes late, because she was being lifted in the air.
Automatically, her hands moved around Nate’s shoulders.
“What…?” she began, vaguely noticing he’d turned off the television and the light.
“You sleep with me.” Nate’s voice was back to harsh, gone was the softness he’d shown her when she had the headache.
“I don’t think –” she started again as he cleared the room and headed for the stairs. She tried to push out of his arms but they went tight as steel bands.
“You sleep with me,” he repeated, again roughly and in a tone that would accept no denial.
“Let me down,” Lily demanded and he did, on the ground level landing but he took her hand and dragged her up the next two flights of stairs. As they were close to Fazire and Tash’s rooms, Lily didn’t make a peep and didn’t pull away.
Once they were in their room, he closed the door and dragged her straight to bed where he brought them both to a halt.
“I don’t understand why you –” Lily turned to him but he interrupted her again.
“What will Tash think if she sees you sleeping on the couch?” Nate snapped.
It felt like he’d punched her in the stomach and at the same time, her heart shattered.
“Of course,” she murmured, “Tash.”
It was all for Tash. Looking back at the last two months, she knew that everything he did was for Tash. A mother and father, living together, for Tash.
She made her decision. Surprisingly this time it wasn’t difficult.
She yanked her hand from his and crawled into bed on his side where he’d stopped them, making her way to her own and settling, her back to him.
He joined her in bed, flicked the covers over them and hooked her about the waist, dragging her across the bed and into the warmth of his body.
She tried to pull away but in her ear, he hissed, “Lie still.”
“Tash doesn’t care
how
we sleep, Nate,” Lily snapped back, her tone bitter. She gave an almighty pull and slid away. Then she waited, tense, for him to pull her back.
He didn’t.
She didn’t fall asleep but she heard (she thought, but she was wrong) when he did. Then, hours later, when it was time, she got up, took her clothes, her makeup and everything she needed and locked herself in the bathroom and didn’t come out until she was ready to face the day and to face Nate.
When she opened the bathroom door, it was Nate who was pacing. He was wearing dark blue pyjama bottoms, what he’d been wearing last night when he’d dragged her to bed, and he was pulling a hand through his hair.
Upon the door opening, he stopped and swung to her. His hand didn’t fall but stayed at the back of his neck and he stared at her. Not like she was a bug under his scrutiny, not blank, not detached, but she couldn’t tell what she read on his face and she no longer cared. She tried not to care about how beautiful he was, standing there with his muscular chest, tight stomach, black hair, dark, intense eyes and powerful frame but she couldn’t. Perhaps, she thought distractedly, with practice she’d be able to do that. One day.
His eyes looked her up and down and then settled on hers and they stared at each other what seemed hours but was probably minutes.
Finally, he dropped his arm.
“We have to talk,” he told her.
She shook her head and walked into the room, dumping her cosmetics on her dressing table, she turned to him.
“The time for talking is over,” she replied, feeling strangely that even though it had been only a few days since the time she would have begged him to talk to her,
did
beg him to talk to her, it felt like forever ago. She walked to the door but he stopped her with a hand on her arm, his fingers closing around it painfully as he swung her to face him.
“You’re going to listen to me,” he demanded.
She yanked her arm away and when he moved to regain hold, she clipped in a horrible voice, a voice she’d never heard pass her lips in her life, “Don’t you
touch
me.”
At her tone, Nate went completely still.
Lily went on, speaking in that voice. “I’m going to marry you tomorrow like you want, for Tash. I’ll sleep in the same bed with you and we’ll pretend we’re a cosy family. You can go to London and do whatever you need to do with whatever women there you need to do it with and I’ll…” she faltered, not knowing what to say, then rallied and told him honestly, “Do without.”
“Lily –” he broke in but she kept going.
“I’ve done it before, I’ll do it again. This will be fine. It’ll all be fine and Tash will never know.”
“Listen to me –”
“She’ll never know!” Lily spoke fervently but kept her voice low so neither Tash nor Fazire would overhear. “No one will ever know,” she said like she was trying to convince herself.
Then, feeling she made her point, she turned and had her hand on the door handle, sensing escape, but she was thwarted as he swung her back around, his arms closing around her tightly, bringing her up against his body and to her shock, his face went into the hair at the side of her neck.
“Lily, I want to tell you about –”
Her body became stiff as a board.
“Take your hands off me,” she said.
He took his arms from around her but her hope that he was doing as she asked was dashed when he immediately framed her face with his hands.
“You need to listen to me. You need to know who I am before you marry me tomorrow. You need to know so you can make the right decision and whatever that is, I’ll –”
“I know who you are, Nate. You showed me Monday night, remember?”
He closed his eyes but not before (she could
swear
) she saw that familiar aching pain slice through them. He dropped his forehead to hers then opened them again and he admitted, his voice harsh but not with anger, with emotion, “I was trying to push you away. I thought it was the right thing to do but when you heard Georgia, your voice, Christ, Lily, your voice. I can’t get it out of my head. I was out with her parents, they’ve been family friends for years. She wasn’t supposed to be there.”
Lily shook her head and tried to pull free of his hands. This didn’t work so she stood her ground and glared at him,
now
it was
her
shields that were impenetrable or, at least, she told herself that, she’d clean
these
particular wounds later.
“Lily, my mother was –” he started.
“Stop it!” she shouted and with superhuman effort yanked her face from his hands and took a step back. She was beyond caring who was in the house. She had to get out of there. She had to get out of there and away from Nate as soon as she could. She never thought she would feel she needed to be away from Nate but at that moment she needed it more than breath.
“I don’t care anymore, Nate,” she lied, caring more than anything but getting very good at lying with all the practice she’d had recently.
His eyes narrowed. Of course, he saw through her and she knew he didn’t believe her but he kept his distance though the distance between them wasn’t much, she was thankful for it.
“The time to tell me was eight years ago,” she informed him. “I don’t care anymore. I get it Nate. I understand. I’m just the plain, silly, hillbilly girl who got infatuated with who she thought was her romantic hero.” At that, Lily laughed, the acid resentment in the sound causing Nate’s controlled features to wince and he moved toward her again but she quickly retreated, lifting her hand to keep him at bay. His eyes dropped to her hand and he halted.
He opened his mouth to speak but Lily got there first.
“I was so
stupid
to think
you’d
want
me
.” She pointed at the both of them in turn. “Stupid, stupid,
stupid
. You, the dashing, brilliant, wealthy, impossibly handsome,
unbearably
handsome hero wanting silly old
me
. The nobody Lily Jacobs. Fat, stupid,
ugly
Lily Jacobs.” She swallowed her laughter this time on a tear clogged gulp, not even knowing what she was saying anymore, her eyes shimmering with tears she refused to shed and therefore she missed Nate’s stunned look of disbelief and she continued. “Who you are now is the father of my daughter. That’s it. The end. You need to keep up the pretence and find somewhere to stay tonight and you’re taking Tash and Fazire with you. This is so you don’t see me before the wedding. Bad luck.” She
did
chuckle at that, again completely without humour. Then she finished with, “I’ll see you tomorrow.” And she said this with finality, this time
her
tone brooked no response.
She turned her back on him, opened the door and fled as fast as her feet would carry her (which wasn’t very fast seeing as, for confidence-building purposes, she’d put on a pair of fancy, strappy, hot pink, high-heeled sandals with a big flower at the toe to go with her fancy, body-skimming, hot pink sundress).
Nate did not follow.
It was her turn to leave a note to Tash, saying she had to get to work early.
Then she got in her fancy new Mercedes and drove. She didn’t go to work, not until it was time, she simply drove and drove. Blanking her mind and installing armour around her already frozen heart.
* * * * *
Now she was back at home, waiting for Nate to come and pick up Tash and Fazire. Steeling herself to spend a jolly night with Laura and Maxie, celebrating her last night of freedom before the big day. They’d planned champagne and an orgy of food and Maxine had brought CDs to which later they would dance drunkenly as Lily and Maxine and often Fazire had done in the past.
Lily was so far beyond celebrations with champagne and dancing, it wasn’t funny.
In fact, she wasn’t certain she’d ever laugh again.
The door flew open and Fazire crashed their not-yet-started party.
“Lily-child, I must speak to you
now
,” he commanded grandly.
Lily’s eyes went to the window and she saw Nate angling out of his Aston Martin and she immediately understood Fazire’s imperious and slightly panicked demand.
She felt the familiar thrill race through her at the sight of Nate as she watched him move gracefully toward the house but she tamped it down and looked back to Fazire.
“Not now, Fazire, we’re in the middle of a bachelorette party.” This, too, was a lie.
Fazire looked from Lily, to Laura, to Maxine, to the champagne that lay in its ice bucket unopened, the glasses unfilled sitting around it. Then his eyes went back to Lily.
“I will
not
be denied. My room. Now.” Then he stomped out and she knew he very much wanted to float and a little bit of her deep down inside felt badly for him.
Lily got up and followed him then at the door, she closed it and turned back to Maxine and Laura.
Maxine knew the consequences of disobeying Fazire and her mouth dropped open in horror. Laura, who didn’t know, still looked a little frightened.
“Sweetling, you should go with him,” Maxie urged.
“No,” Lily answered.