Immediately after he was done, he knifed away from her without regard for her sensitive body, put on his clothes and, looking down at her, he said, “I’m going to London. I’ll be back Friday.”
Then he was gone.
And Lily lay naked and exposed, staring into the darkness, into the space where he’d been, trying to still her mind then trying to catch a thought and failing at both. Finally, she wrapped a blanket around her body, curled up into a little ball and she cried.
Then she slept. Then she waited. And she tried to hope.
* * * * *
On Wednesday, she called his mobile. She knew he was talking to Tash, still shielding their daughter from whatever-it-was that was falling apart between them. But he didn’t contact Lily. She phoned his mobile in the morning not wishing to go through another humiliating episode with Jennifer. He did not answer. Then she rang him mid-morning, then the afternoon.
Still no answer and she felt hope quickly dying as he missed call after call that he promised he’d never miss.
Then she left the shop early and made certain she was home when Tash got home from school so she could latch onto the phone when Tash was done speaking to her father.
“Mummy wants to talk to you,” Tash said on a giggle as she watched Lily pacing in the kitchen, Fazire’s assessing eyes on her, regarding her from his seat at the table.
Lily nearly snatched the phone out of her daughter’s hand when Tash offered it to her.
Lily had been thinking about it, trying to find a reason for his abrupt change to such hostile behaviour and she’d convinced herself that she’d pushed too hard, got too close, made a mess of things by trying to break through and she was ready for retreat. Even having Nate removed was better than this.
“Nate, I –”
“Lily, I don’t have time for this now,” he interrupted her before she got started, “call me later.”
Then, without another word or waiting for her to respond, he hung up.
She stared at the phone finding it difficult to breathe, her heart stuttering so much she felt like it would come to a halt. Then she looked at Tash who had been grinning at her but her grin faded as Lily put the phone on the receiver.
“Didn’t Daddy –” Tash started.
“Daddy’s really busy, doll baby. Getting ready for our honeymoon,” Lily explained quietly, not believing a word she said but hoping that Tash would.
Luckily, her daughter bought her lie, her grin came back with a vengeance and she skipped out of the room.
“Lily-child,” Fazire spoke and started to float and Lily knew what that meant and she was having none of it.
Lily shook her head and when she heard Tash cooing to Mrs. Gunderson somewhere in the house, she said one word to Fazire, knowing he’d know what she meant, “Tash.”
Then she ran, ran out the front door, ran down the street, ran passed the pier, along the seafront path, straight to the bandstand and stopped. She stopped her feet, her heart and her thoughts and she started walking, fast, breathing heavily, making her body work hard so her mind wouldn’t. She walked until she felt she would drop then she turned toward home.
Later that night, when Fazire and Tash were both asleep, she tried Nate again.
He answered his mobile and in the background she heard what sounded like a busy club or restaurant.
“What is it Lily?” he asked instead of greeting her, obviously seeing her name displayed before answering his phone.
“I just wanted to say –” she began tentatively, not sure what she wanted to say but needing to say it all the same.
Then she heard, in a purring, female voice that was
very
close to the phone, “Nate, our table’s ready.”
Nate didn’t even try to cover the mouthpiece when he responded, “In a minute, Georgia.”
Lily’s legs buckled from under her and powerless to stop herself, she dropped and sat on the bed. It felt like it took a year for her to turn her head and look at the clock on the bedside table.
It was passed ten at night and Nate was out with Georgia, his old girlfriend, a woman Jeffrey had thought he was ready to marry. He was away from Lily the week before their wedding, in London, out on the town with another woman.
“Lily.” She heard her name sound in her ear as if from far away but she had herself together enough to note that Nate’s voice sounded impatient.
“It –” she cleared her throat, her body numb, her mind blank and she had no idea her voice betrayed exactly how broken she felt, “it’s nothing, Nate. Enjoy yourself.”
Then she’d pressed the button to hang up even as she heard him start to say her name again.
Her mobile rang in her hand almost immediately but she opened and closed it, disconnecting Nate without a word. Then she turned it off. The house phone rang and she picked it up out of its bed, hit the button for on then hit the button for off and then on again, listening to the insistent ring tone until it grew urgent and even longer and then it was silenced. Then she rolled on her side in the bed, pulled the pillow over her head and again, keeping her thoughts at bay with an extreme effort of will, she cried herself to sleep which was, she was realising, the only way she
could
get to sleep.
The following morning at the store, Maxie cornered her.
“What on
earth
is going on?”
It took effort but Lily lifted her eyes to Maxine’s. “Nothing,” she lied through her teeth. “Why do you ask?”
“Why do I… why…?” Maxie spluttered. “You’re marrying your dream man in two days and you look like hell. I’m sorry to say it but you do. You look pale, your eyes are all puffy. You should know, Fazire called me –”
“Don’t listen to Fazire. He doesn’t know what’s going on,” Lily broke in.
“Do
you
know what’s going on?” Maxie flashed back.
Lily responded automatically, “Nate’s an important man, a lot of people depend on him. He hasn’t had a holiday…” Lily stopped.
She had no idea when he’d last had a holiday. She had no idea about a lot of things about Nate.
What she
did
know was that he was guarded. What she
did
know was that he had secrets. What she
did
know was that, eight years ago he demanded that she move in and then promised her the world. Two weeks later, when she needed him the most, he broke all his promises and let her go. Now, eight years later, the same thing happened with slight differences. And, two months later…
What?
He’d warned her, she knew. He’d kept himself removed. He’d kept his distance. He’d planned for a time when she wouldn’t be in his life, nearly told her there
would
be a time but, besotted fool that she was, believing in genies and dreams and wishes, she hadn’t listened.
For the first time in years, she felt her confidence lying about her in tatters. She felt that she hadn’t lived up to whatever promise Nate had seen in her when he got her back. That this brilliant, rich, sophisticated,
impossibly
handsome man could never find what he needed in her.
Never.
“Just, please, Maxie. Let’s not talk about this. I’m getting a headache,” Lily finished on another lie something she was doing with alarming frequency these days.
Maxine bustled up close and looked Lily in the eyes. “Don’t give me that headache business, I know something’s not right and –”
Before she could finish, Lily’s mobile rang. It was sitting, face-up on the counter and both Maxie and Lily’s eyes swung to it.
The display said, “Nate Calling.”
Both Lily and Maxie reached for it. Luckily Lily got to it first for she knew Maxie, in her current mood, would probably make hideous matters far, far worse.
Lily hopped off her stool and swiftly rounded the counter, flipping open her phone and putting it to her ear.
“Nate?” she answered.
“Don’t you
ever
fucking hang up on me again and turn off the phones.”
Lily halted dead in her getaway from Maxie as Nate’s furious words hit her ear, his rage vibrating through her body like a lethal current.
He
was the one who was out with an ex-girlfriend.
He
was the one who humiliated her on her own family room couch or, more to the point
his
,
he’d
bought it, but still, it was in
her
house and
she
hadn’t had the old one carted away.
He
was the one who was sneaking cigarettes in the garden at midnight.
He
was the one who wasn’t speaking to her.
He
was the one who was tearing her heart to shreds.
Lily could take it no more, she snapped.
“How dare you!” she shouted into the phone.
“You have my daughter in that house and if something happened, I couldn’t get through. You kept her from me for seven years, Lily. Don’t you ever play that fucking game again.”
Lily’s body went rock solid and she fired back, “I cannot believe you just said that to me.”
He ignored her. “I’ll be home tonight.”
“Don’t bother,” Lily retorted acidly.
“I’ll be home tonight,” he repeated then
he
hung up on
her
.
Lily stood with the phone to her ear, anger, humiliation and pain coursing through her so strongly, it took long moments before she realised Maxine was standing right in front of her.
When Lily’s eyes focussed on her, Maxine looked no longer angry and determined to get to the heart of the matter, Maxine looked scared.
“What just happened, sweetling?” she asked, her voice soft, gentle, coaxing.
At her friend’s tone, the fight slid out of Lily and her vision dissolved as tears flooded her eyes. Maxine’s arms went around her, holding her tight.
“I don’t know,” she whispered. “I don’t know.” Then she repeated it again, then again.
“Hush, sweetling. Hush,” Maxine murmured and stroked her hair.
When Lily pulled herself together, Maxine gave her a lilac, lace-edged handkerchief to dry her eyes and let the matter drop but the frightened look never left her face.
By the time Lily got home, terrified that Nate would already be there, her lie about the headache had come true. It wasn’t a migraine but it was close.
Fazire, she noticed immediately, was blustering and ready to blow but he took one look at her and, as he’d done countless times before, he ushered her to her room. He got her a cool drink, some tablets, ran her bath and then kept Natasha occupied so she wouldn’t miss her mother while Lily battled the pain.
Lily took the pain killers, took her bath, closed the curtains and went to bed with a cool flannel at her brow, fighting against the headache until the medicine worked and she finally found sleep.
“Lily?” It was Nate’s voice, gentle, questioning and she thought for a moment she was dreaming.
Then she opened her eyes and saw his muscular thigh on the bed. Of course Nate noticed immediately she was awake, even though she’d closed her eyes nearly as quickly as she’d opened them.
“Fazire says you have a headache.” Nate’s voice was so soft, he was talking in a way that it seemed he thought his words were alive and could cause her harm.
“I’m fine.” Lily kept her eyes closed and her voice neutral.
“Is it a migraine?” Nate asked and she felt his fingers tucking her hair behind her ear.
Lily squeezed her eyes tight at his soft, sweet,
familiar
touch and the pain shot back into her temple so she was forced to train her body to relax.
She couldn’t keep up with him and she didn’t have the strength to try. She suspected that even though he’d lost interest in her, he didn’t want the mother of his child’s brain to explode.
“I’m fine, Nate. It’s not a migraine.” She lifted her hand to the flannel, threw it aside and turned so her back was to him, all this she did without looking at him. “Go to Tash. She misses you.”
“Can I get you anything?” He’d not been deterred by her turning her back to him, now he was stroking her from neck to waist, pushing the covers out of the way to do so. She wanted to move into his hand, wanted it so much she could taste it in her mouth, feel it in every pore of her skin. Instead, she steeled herself against it.
“No. Like I said, I’m fine.”
“Lily –”
“Go away, Nate.” She wanted to sound exasperated but instead she sounded something else and even to her own ears, she was pretty certain she sounded defeated.
He didn’t go and he also didn’t say anything more. What he did was shift on the bed so he could sit and stroke her back. She held her body tense. Feeling the tears in her throat, she swallowed them down. She was no match for his attention (this
was
Nate) and slowly, her body relaxed, and, finally, she fell back to sleep.
When she woke again, it was the dead of night. Nate’s front was pressed to her back, his arm was wrapped tight around her and he’d buried his face in her hair.
Lily laid there a second, allowing herself, for one last time, to pretend.
Then she pulled away, got up and quietly exited the room. After missing dinner, she found she was hungry and made herself a sandwich. Then she went to the family room, turned on the TV and ate. She didn’t watch the TV, however. Her mind was on other things. It was on her beautiful house, her beautiful appliances and furniture, her beautiful new car, her bank account filled with more money than she could ever spend.