Through to You (19 page)

I half limp, half run around the corner onto my street. My heart feels like it’s going to pound out of my chest, but I have to get to Facebook before Mike sees it again. I spot a figure perched on my front steps in broad daylight.
Viv?
My heart stops. But as I get closer, I realize it’s not Viv—it’s Nina. I storm up to the house.

“What happened?”

She rises. “What do you
think
happened?”

I drop my keys, pick them up, and fumble to get the right one into the lock. I twist the handle and pull, and at last the door swings open. Nina comes inside on my heels.

“You want to tell me why I went to lunch today only to hear Logan West ranting to the entire cafeteria that he saw you
alive
last night?”

“Oh …” I get tangled in the strap of my backpack, trying to throw it down.

“And then Viv ran into the bathroom with her hands over her face, either laughing or crying, and—are you even listening to me?”

I glance over my shoulder, halfway down the hall toward my room.

“I just need to take care of something …”

My laptop is open on my desk with my iPod plugged in—except I always leave it closed. I hit the track pad and crash into my chair, but the computer takes its time waking up from sleep mode. I start tearing at my hair, but then the password screen comes up. It takes me three tries to type the password I’ve had for five years,
RainbowTrout
. But the screen doesn’t change except to say
INVALID PASSWORD
. I clench my teeth and type it again, but it still doesn’t work. I dig my fingers into my thighs and suppress a moan … but then I think to try Viv’s password,
OneAndOnly.

The browser appears with my Facebook page still up.

“What are you doing in here?” Nina comes in behind me, making me jump. “Did you even hear what I said?”

I squirm in my seat, but with the screen open, we can both see the new message written on my wall:

Goosebumps rise up on my arms. I glance at Nina. Her mouth is open.

“What
is
that?”

I log in to Viv’s account and delete the post quickly. While she was here, she changed both our profile pics to a shot she took months ago on her phone. It’s a close-up of us kissing inside her car. She couldn’t know how much I hate it, that it reminds me of how she died. I hastily delete it too, leaving both our profile pics empty silhouettes.

“Did anyone see that?” Nina demands.

“Just Mike—I think.” I unfriended everyone but Mike and Viv two years ago.

Nina slams the door of my room.

“That’s one too many! Did you hear what I said about Logan? Viv can’t exist here, Cam, this has got to stop—”

“Yeah, I know, okay?” I stand up and pace across the room. “Just let me deal with this—I’ll talk to her.”

“You think you can
talk
to her? Are you nuts?”

“She’ll listen to me—”

“What about Logan?” she demands. “Viv’s not the only one acting stupid.”

I rub my hand over my face. “It won’t happen again.”

“And what if it does, what then?”

“Just—stop!” My voice breaks.

The room is silent except for the hum of my computer processor. Nina doesn’t say anything for a while, and I’m hoping she’ll just leave, but then she moves toward me. She puts a hand on each of my arms and looks into my face.

“I know it was hard—when she died. But if you leave her now, you’ll both just be somewhere else. It doesn’t have to be like … death.”

She’s so close I catch the scent of something like peaches in her hair. She slides her hands down into mine and turns her face up. Her eyes are clear, and the way she’s leaning toward me—I pull away and let her hands drop.

“I’m not leaving her, Nina.”

She steps back and supports herself against the wall by the window.

I sink back into my chair and pick at the edge of my shirt. I’m not sure if it’s from gym class, or stressing about Facebook all day, or not getting any sleep … but I’m utterly exhausted. I rest my face in my hands.

“I haven’t been this tired since the night she died.”

Nina sits on the bed and leans toward me. “Don’t let her push you around.”

I swallow hard. “I don’t—she doesn’t.”

“You know that’s not true.”

I pick up my iPod and start scrolling through the music. There’s a new playlist called “Vibes à la Viv,” full of her favorite bubblegum love songs.

“You can survive without her, Cam—you
did—
and so did she.”

I glance up at her. Viv and I might have survived, but if I asked I think she’d agree, neither of us was really living. I can’t listen to Nina’s
life goes on
speeches anymore.

“Okay, look, we’ll be more careful,” I say.

She grabs a handful of my pillow at her side and shakes her head. “Until the next time, right?”

I plug the iPod into my speakers and hit play. The room fills with synthy, squeaky music. My bedroom door swings open.

“I thought you were here, sweetie. I came home early to—” My mom stops.

“Mrs. Pike—” Nina leaps up and collects herself. “I mean, you must be—Mrs. Pike.”

Mom blinks at Nina and shifts her questioning gaze to me. I shut off the music.

“Bye, Nina,” I say. “Sorry you have to leave.”

Nina makes for the door, but Mom stops her.

“No, wait—” She has this weird, awkward smile on her face. “Nina? Cam doesn’t bring many friends by. Would you like to stay for dinner?”

Nina gives me this death-ray glare like everything wrong in the universe right this minute is my fault.

I look at Mom. “You? Cooking dinner?”

Mom’s face turns a shade of pink. “I thought we could have Chinese takeout—at home?”

“Thanks, Mrs. Pike … I have to get home to my brother.” Nina slides past Mom and smiles. “I love what you’ve done with the place—” She stops abruptly. “So—let me know if you need help—with that trig homework, Cam.”

Nina’s out the door before anyone can say another word. Mom blinks at me, confused, but then she gives me this great big encouraging smile and disappears, humming down the hall.

WHEN I PUSH THROUGH THE GREEN LIGHT THIS TIME, VIV IS ON
the corner waiting for me. I almost get wedged into the narrow portal when I see her sitting on a landscaping rock with her Rams football jacket pulled tight around her.

“Hey, beautiful,” I say, greeting her with a kiss. “Didn’t I say I’d come pick you up?”

“I thought we could go to your side tonight … I didn’t want to miss you if you stopped anywhere else on the way.”

My gut twists and I think of what Nina said—but Viv is
not
pushing me around—she’s just confused. And who can blame her after last night? All she needs is a little reassurance.

I raise my eyebrows. “I have no plans to see Nina tonight.”

She gives me a stern look. Then she cracks a smile, throws her arms around my neck, and laughs.

“I’ve missed you so much since yesterday!”

I smile, relieved. “Your playlist was cute.”

“You noticed that?”

“And the Facebook post—” I tense, thinking about it again. I pull back and hold her shoulders at arm’s length, trying to give her my most serious stare. “Viv, you can’t do stuff like that.... If anyone saw that, they’d think
I
did it.”

“But you
do
love me forever, don’t you?” she asks, running her finger along my jaw.

I give in, pulling her close and grazing her full lips with my own.

“Just don’t do it again.”

She whispers in my ear. “I loved that I was one of your
only
Facebook friends.”

I fight a pang at her words, which is dumb. Viv and I deleted everyone else from our friends’ lists on purpose. It was more than just symbolic; we got less shit from all the people who still called themselves Rams. But I think of her on the arm of her football star and wonder how many Facebook friends
he
had. I take her hand and remind myself,
I’m
her Cam now. She still has everything she wants … doesn’t she?

“Anyway, you can’t scold me.” She pulls me toward the pole, starts searching the air for the green light, and glances over her shoulder. “I heard you haunted Logan last night.”

I pull back. My stomach sinks.

She smirks and straightens. “He was telling anyone who would listen—‘I saw Pike’s ghost on the street!’—you should’ve seen the look on his face! Mike got so upset. I had to run to the bathroom so no one would see me laughing my head off!”

I press my palms into my eyes. “I wasn’t thinking—that was so stupid.”

“Maybe he’ll leave me the hell alone for a while.”

“What?”

She arches her eyebrow. “He seems to think he’s allowed to put his hands all over me lately.”

My vision goes red at the thought of Logan doing
anything
to Viv.

She bites her lip. “Without you around, he won’t take no for an answer.”

“Let’s go find him.” I ball up my fists. “That asshole has it coming.” I tense to take off running, but it’s like I can hear Nina’s voice warning me about acting stupid. I let my hands fall to my sides and glance around. “But if I get found out … I won’t be able to come here anymore.”

Viv smiles. “Then we’ll go to your side.”

My head starts to throb. This again. I’m horrified to feel a twinge of annoyance, but she never lets up on the idea that my world is somehow better. It makes no sense.

“Not if you keep breaking into my house and posting stuff where everyone
there
will see you—”

“You’re the one who got caught,” she says.

“But I wasn’t trying to get Logan’s attention!”

“I never got noticed at all.” She smiles smugly.

I look her in the eye. “Mike saw it.”

“Screw Mike,” she sneers.

The twinge in my brain starts working its way up to full-on headache. “Why do you want to go to my side so bad anyway?”

“I just like it better,” she says, pulling me back to the utility pole and feeling around in the air.

“But why?”

“Things are less complicated there.” She holds one transparent green hand in front of her and looks at me seriously. “But also … I think I might be jealous.”

Without another word, she flashes into the green and disappears. I move my lips soundlessly. All I can do is follow, crouching down through the electrified air until we’re both wheezing energy back on my side.

“What’s there to be jealous of?” I ask after I catch my breath.

“It’s nothing, forget it.”

“It obviously means something to you,” I say. “Tell me?”

She comes at me for a kiss, but I hold my hand in front of my mouth. She frowns.

“I feel like you loved me more here. I think I’m jealous of … myself.”

Every reassurance I had ready goes silent on my lips. I take a breath, but I don’t know what to say. It takes a long minute for me to even wrap my head around the idea.

Viv is jealous of how much I loved … Viv?

We start walking again, down the sidewalk toward the athletic field.

“It was hard being with the school football star,” she says. “I loved you so much, but you were
so
big … sometimes it didn’t feel like there was enough of you left for me.”

“But if he was the same as me—how could he have loved you
less
?”

“I’m sure he didn’t,” she whispers. “But what I—
she
—had here … you were devoted to her; she had you all to herself.”

I stare through the chain-link fence across the cold, dark grass. I thought she was worried about Nina, but she wants what her dead self had?

Our pace slows while I try to process. How can a person be jealous of … herself? I glance up to the white goal post standing sentry over the end zone, and then suddenly, I get it. I know exactly how she feels, because I’ve been trying to compete with the other
me
too.

I take her hand and pull her through a gate onto the empty athletic field.

“C’mon.”

“Where are we going?” She laughs nervously, but skips beside me across the turf.

We cross the fifty-yard line, and even now I’m drawn toward the home bench, but I keep going. There are weeds growing up through the lower section of the rickety wood and metal bleachers. Some of the seats are obstructed by an old announcer’s box no one uses anymore except to climb into and get high. I keep going up into the stands. At the top we find a perfect view of the field and stretch of campus. It’s dark and chilly, but up here it feels private.

Viv shivers. “Why did you want to come up here?”

I pull her down into my arms, leaning back against the rail. “To get you all to myself.”

She twists in my lap until she’s wrapped one leg around me, pressing her pelvis into mine, and it’s all I can do to keep my response to just a groan.