Authors: Ellen Callahan
“You say that every time you get a gig,” he said.
“Because it’s true. Because I am.” He was right, I’d sung this song before, but a lump formed in my throat anyway.
His voice was firm. “You aren’t a fraud, Katherine. You made one mistake. One single mistake. And you sought out help, and now you’re healing, and you’re succeeding. Do you deserve to lose all your dreams over one mistake?”
“No,” I said, my voice small. A nagging part of me still said “yes.” But that part grew smaller with time.
“Should your entire future be ruined because of one poor choice?”
“I guess not.”
“I want you to be more certain than that.”
I sighed. “I know. I think the whole move is just stressing me out.”
“When can we get together?”
“Well…”
Should I invite him? Would it be weird?
I spit it out before I could argue with myself too much. “My roommates are throwing this party in just a few days. You could come. If you want.”
“Just text me in the info and I’ll be there.”
CHAPTER 3
A Tuesday was a strange night to host a party, but there we were with a full apartment.
I’d had my first shift with Lockett’s niece and nephew that afternoon. I’d picked them up from the bus stop (nanny duties, as predicted), then helped eight-year-old Amber with a few things she struggled with in her science books. Thursday would be history with ten-year-old Finn. The rest of my time I’d spent searching for a second gig to fill up a few more days of the week.
The party wasn’t as wild as I was afraid it would be. Mallet and Lockett had invited some of their fighter friends, and though the guys were loud, they didn’t want to party hard enough to affect their training.
Alexa’s friends from her bar, on the other hand, were finishing off drinks at an alarming rate. At least it was alarming to me - but I knew I was hyperconscious of it. They all seemed to be doing just fine.
Relax. Have fun
. This was no different than Alexa’s post-Christmas gathering - maybe there were a few more people, but everyone had been really nice so far.
I did wish I’d dressed more stylishly, though. Alexa wanted to stuff me into a tighter pair of jeans but I wouldn’t let her. And I could wear a sweater if I wanted to - it was still winter, and they were comfortable! But seeing the better dressed girls scattered around the room made me wish my fashion sense was just a little better. Maybe a little more current.
Once I’m making more money, maybe I’ll schedule myself a shopping trip.
I breathed a sigh of relief when Patrick arrived. Seeing my sponsor reminded me of home, and for better or worse, I felt a little more normal.
I gave him a quick hug and led him inside. “Are you doing okay?” he asked, looking around the room, undoubtedly noticing all the booze that was flowing.
“I’m fine,” I said, “Really.”
“How do you want to introduce me?” he asked.
He really thought of everything.
Thank God
. “Um, as a friend,” I said, “Except for my sister, she knows almost everything.”
“Only almost?” I nodded and led him to her. Mallet was at her side but he knew what my deal was, and I knew she told him everything, anyway.
“Nice to meet you!” she said after I introduced him. She shook Patrick’s hand with both of hers. “I’m so glad you came.”
She elbowed me when he struck up a conversation with Mal. “He’s good-looking,” she said, wiggling her eyebrows at me.
“Oh, stop,” I said, “He’s much too old.” She was right, he was a handsome guy, with piercing gray eyes and a full head of salt-and-pepper hair. But forty was a little too old as far as I was concerned. Besides, he’d just gotten through a messy divorce, he had a couple kids - all complications I wasn’t interested in tangling myself in.
Not to mention he was my sponsor. An affair would be downright scandalous, and damn unhealthy.
“Oh fine,” she said, “I was joking. I know you’ve got the little hearts in your eyes for Lockett, anyway.”
“I do not!” I hissed, instantly turning red. She shook her head at me. Nothing else needed to be said.
I suppose I should have guessed that Lockett would be nosy about my guest but I was so intent on not paying attention to him that he was able to sneak right up on me. Something icy touched my neck, and I jumped away with yelp.
He held up his icy cold beer bottle. “Sorry, couldn’t resist.”
“This is becoming a pattern,” I said, wiping the water off before it could drip down my back.
“Who’s the boyfriend?” He gestured across the room where Patrick was chatting with one of Alexa’s friends, a flirty girl named Adele.
“Just a friend,” I mumbled. Did I detect a hint of jealousy in his voice?
No. Don’t be silly
.
“I’m gonna go say hi.”
“Wait-” I reached after him but he was already halfway across the room. I stayed planted where I was as Lockett introduced himself.
What the hell is this about?
I watched them talk. The conversation wasn’t going well - Patrick kept looking at Lockett as if he was crazy. I should have inserted myself and ended it.
Lockett returned, rolling his eyes as soon as he had his back to Patrick. “Buddy’s a little old for you,” he said.
“I told you he’s just a friend,” I hissed.
“A friend of your dad’s, do you mean? An uncle?”
“It’s none of your business.” He straightened up, and a hurt look crossed his face. It was gone as quickly as it appeared, but I knew it wasn’t my imagination.
“I’m sorry,” I said, but he was already past, on to talk to somebody else.
Great, way to go, way to make nice with your new roommate
.
“Everything okay?” Patrick returned once Lockett was out of my space.
“Yes! Why does everybody keep asking me that?”
“You look stressed, that’s all,” he said. “We can go get a coffee if the party’s getting to be too much.”
“I should mingle.” But I didn’t want to be there. Not anymore. I watched Lockett across the room. He was such a dominating presence, it was hard not to.
“He’s nosy. I think he’s into you.”
“Don’t be silly.”
“The program recommends avoiding romantic relationships for at least a year,” Patrick said, keeping his voice low.
Damn, he caught me
. “I’m not starting anything,” I said with a sigh.
Lockett wouldn’t want to anyway
.
“Just a friendly reminder.”
“Maybe I will go for that coffee,” I said, determined not to just stand there and feel sorry myself. “I’ll just let my sister know so she doesn’t wonder where I went.”
“Great. I’ll get my coat.”
○●○●○●○●○
Patrick left after we spent a little while just chatting at the nearby diner. He had to work early in the morning and it was a long trip home. I don’t know how he handled such a long commute every day - it was nearly two hours long.
He gave me a list of meetings in Queens - some of them AA, a few of them hosted by other organizations. I stuffed it in my pocket, making no promises to seek them out just yet, but I felt better just knowing they were out there.
The party hadn’t quieted down much at all when I returned. Mallet and his friend Surly were demonstrating some head lock or something while people stood in a circle around them.
“Then I cut off his bloodflow,” Surly said, pretending to squeeze his arm tighter around Mallet’s neck, “and he’ll pass right out.”
“Do it!” one of the girls hooted.
“Let’s not do it,” Mallet choked. Surly let him go. I didn’t understand the fighting thing at all but I was certain that Lockett could have taken either of them easily. He was just plain bigger.
“Aren’t you guys worried you’ll get hurt?” I asked when the broke apart.
“All part of the job,” Mallet said with a wink.
“But really,” I said, “Isn’t it like other sports? What if you get injured?”
Both he and one of the fighters near him held up their fingers in a cross like they were warding off a vampire. I laughed. “Okay, okay, I get it. You guys are superstitious, too. Do you have good luck socks and things?”
“Surly has good luck tighty whiteys,” Mallet said, gesturing at his dark-haired friend. Surly didn’t even look his way, he just lifted a good-natured middle finger.
“Lockett’s got his good luck girls,” Mallet’s other friend said - a fighter I didn’t recognize.
Mal grinned an uncomfortable grin. “What’s a good luck girl?” I asked.
“For starters she’s got to have like, massive tits-”
“Would you shut your trap, Tex?” Mal cut his friend off. “It wouldn’t kill you to show a little class once in a while.”
“What’d I say? Tits?”
Mallet put his head in his hands. “Go get me a beer.”
The younger man scampered off. “Sorry about him” Mal said, “He’s… new.”
“The word ‘tits’ doesn’t offend me, Mal,” I said, forcing a smile, “I’m not that much of a prude.”
He stood straight and waved his hand dramatically, declaring, “Pardon, my lady, I was simply trying to elevate the level of discourse. If you wish to converse about tits, though, you have my ear.”
“Mine, too.” Lockett stepped over to stand next to me. He placed a hand on his chin and said, “What about them?”
My cheeks were burning. I was just trying to make light conversation. How did I get into this? “Mal was just explaining what a good luck girl is,” I said, making myself keep my eyes on his.
His eyebrows raised. “They’re just groupies,” he said. Mal chuckled and backed away, removing himself from the conversation.
Jerk
.
“Groupies?”
“They aren’t important.”
Time to change the subject
. “I started work yesterday,” I said, “With your brother’s kids.” He was standing too close. I tried to subtly take a step away, but he followed. “They’re both really sweet,” I said.
“Mmhmm.” He didn’t seem the least bit interested. He was looking past me. I took another step away. If I was so boring then he was welcome to leave me alone.
But he followed again. The next thing I knew, my back was to the wall next to the kitchen and he was practically trapping me there, leaning casually next to me. I could duck into the kitchen to get away - but then he might place himself in the doorway and block me in there, instead. Just what the heck was he doing?
“Your friend left,” he said.
“Yeah. He has a long train ride home.” He was close enough that I could feel his body heat radiating off of him. I could smell his scent, his soap and his skin. I licked my lips.
This is so unfair
.
He leaned in closer and asked, “Did he kiss you goodnight?”
I swallowed my answer. I could smell the beer on his breath, which brought with it a confusing mix of emotions. But more than that, more than anything, my eyes and my focus locked on his lips. Those magical, delicious, devastating lips. I could just imagine them pressing against mine once more, so warm and so soft. I tensed all over, not trusting myself. I wanted very badly to do something very stupid.
“Kat?”
“Don’t call me that, please,” I whispered out of habit.
“Katherine.” My name slid so sensually from between those tempting lips. I’d always thought it was a dull name. A typical one. When he said it, though, it became something else. Sometime powerful. And sexual. “Katherine?”
“Yes?”
“You didn’t answer my question.’
What was the question? “I didn’t kiss him,” I said, “I didn’t kiss anyone.” My pulse was racing so fast I thought for sure he’d be able to tell. I felt flushed all over. Could he see? Did he know what he was doing to me?
But I couldn’t take my eyes off him. His chin was sprinkled with light stubble. I wondered what it would feel like, brushing against my own soft skin.