Authors: Ellen Callahan
“Mmm. I know how to read.” His thumb dipped between my lips - just a bare fraction. Just a hint. I tensed.
But he broke away. “I promised hot chocolate.”
“You did.”
He chuckled to himself as we walked. “Who the hell gets hot chocolate after winning a fight while the rest of his friends party and drink half the night?”
“Maybe you got hit in the head a few too many times.”
We walked in silence for a couple of blocks. It wasn’t too late yet and the streets were busy. They were bar-hoppers, mostly. Young people in small groups laughing and jostling each other down the sidewalks, a few older folk, weary after working all day.
Lockett shocked me when he pulled me aside. He pinned me to the side of the building - somewhere between two windows, a restaurant and a shop. “What are you doing?” I asked, looking at the pedestrians behind him. Nobody even glanced our way.
“I was going to spend half the night teasing you,” he said, “I wanted to work you up into a frenzy before I kissed you. But I can’t wait.”
“Oh.” I was all I was able to say before his mouth descended on mine.
Instinct made me wrap my arms around his neck as his hands tightened around my waist. Heat enveloped me. Heat, and hunger, and electricity flowed through my veins together as his lips sealed over mine. I angled my jaw, granting him deeper access, and he groaned.
Maybe I was lost - maybe I had no clue what I wanted, who I wanted, where I was going - but my body knew. I was on fire. His tongue slicked across my lower lip and sent tingles straight down to my toes.
My fingers tightened around his collar and I moaned softly. I couldn’t help it. He was overwhelming all of my senses. My lips parted and the slow slide of his tongue along mine made me lift onto my toes and cling to him for dear life.
His hands traveled up to cup my jaw, to tilt my head just where he wanted, to hold me where he wanted.
I’d never felt so hot and desperate. I’d never felt so downright wanted. My own hands found there way to his jaw. I stroked his stubble with my thumbs, holding him there as he devoured me.
Oh, God…
I trembled with desire. It was too much. I was supposed to be avoiding such intense feelings, not inviting them. I abruptly pulled away, drawing a gasp from him. “Katherine.”
My head sank against his chest, hiding my face. “What’s wrong?”
I took a shaky breath, willing my heartbeat to slow down. Hearing his deep breaths weren’t helping matters - he sounded as winded as I felt.
“Nothing,” I said.
“No one ever means it when they say ‘nothing.’” I exhaled with a shudder. I couldn’t believe how badly I wanted him. My fingers trembled as the clasped together behind his neck - when had I reached for him again? He combed his fingers through my hair. “Yeah. I feel it, too, sweetheart.”
“We’re roommates,” I said, reaching for the easiest answer, “I don’t want to complicate things. I’m the newest so if things got weird, I’d be the one to get the boot.”
“Your sister would rip my nuts off if I tried to boot you out. What else?”
“What do you mean?”
“I want to know what else I’m working against if I’m going to have to actually work to seduce you.” I looked up at him with wide eyes. He wanted to seduce me? His grin was so cocky, I didn’t know if I wanted to laugh or to hit him. “Well?”
Do I tell him?
I knew Alexa had mentioned to him that I didn’t drink but she didn’t tell him more than that. My businesses was my business. She was good about that much.
I unhooked my fingers from behind his neck and reached into my pocket. Wordlessly, I pressed the chip into his hand.
The amusement left his face when he looked at it. My heart sank. He’d lose interest, now. He’d leave me and go back to the bar, back to his good luck girls. Back to people who were more fun than me.
His smile was grim, but he didn’t take off. He stuffed the chip back in my pocket and wrapped an arm around my waist. “Come on. Let’s get that hot chocolate.”
○●○●○●○●○
The coffee shop we found was busy but relatively quiet. Indie rock that I didn’t recognized played over the speakers while a guitar player set up his equipment on a small stage in the corner.
It reminded me of the one open mic I’d done with Alexa and how much fun it had been. And how afterward, Lockett had kissed me just below my ear and whispered, “I’d love to hear you sing for me sometime, sugar.”
I’d gone home to Connecticut after that. The next time I’d seen him was the day I was moving in.
“I have to try to get Alexa to perform with me again,” I said, breaking the silence that had descended over our table. “I really enjoyed it last time.”
I thought you did, too
.
“Yeah,” he said with a half smile, staring down into his mug “You guys were good.”
I sighed. I’d gone and ruined everything - big shocker.
“I’m sorry. I didn’t meant to drop a bomb on you,” I said, gesturing at my pocket. “It’s just kind of a big deal, still, and you did ask what was up…”
“I know,” he said, “Don’t apologize. I was just expecting a more generic answer. ‘Bad breakup,’ or something.”
“Yea.” I sipped the hot chocolate. It was hot and rich but I could barely taste it. He didn’t touch his. His expression just looked pained. “Are you mad?”
“What? No!” His face twisted. “I feel like an asshole. I’ve been coming on to you and pressuring you and meanwhile you’ve got some pretty intense personal shit going on.”
“You have not been pressuring me,” I said, placing my hand over his. “Lockett. You’re fine. We’re fine. I… I’ve enjoyed your company.” Where was his smirk, now? How could I get it back? I cleared my throat. “And I really like kissing you. Really.”
I’d hoped that would get his attention but he kept on looking away - his hands, his mug, everywhere but at my face.
“Please look at me,” I said, “I’m being serious.”
His eyes met mine - unreadable. Stony. “It’s all just a little heavy for a post-fight night,” he said.
“I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be.” A shadow of his smile returned. He sandwiched my hand between his. “We’re cool.”
We
were
cool - we were damn chilly. He pulled his hands away and that was that. I tried to make light conversation on the train ride home and he was happy to talk about his fights and his training, but beyond that… nothing.
I should have known it would unfold that way. I should have kept my big mouth shut. But would that have been good for me in the long run? Maybe tonight would have been fun - hell, maybe I would have given in to all the things my body desired and ended up in Lockett’s bed if I wasn’t careful. But how would I have felt in the morning?
I didn’t know. Maybe that would have finally eased the tension between us and we could have continued on as friendly roommates. Or maybe I would have gotten attached and made things weird. Maybe it would have ended painfully. I had to guard my emotions and my heart, especially now.
So maybe it was better that I’d unintentionally slammed on the brakes. But it sure didn’t feel great. It didn’t feel right. I looked up at him, sitting next to me on the bench of the train on the ride home - those lips, the stubble along his jaw, his bright hazel eyes - and I wished that everything was different.
I wished that
I
was different.
Alexa did have the right idea when she’d moved out here and reinvented herself. I didn’t think I could do it, though. Some bad choices just couldn’t be shed by simply changed your outfit and dying your hair. I was doomed to carry the same old baggage with me forever.
CHAPTER 6
I met with Patrick on his lunch break on Monday. He worked down in the financial district - it was a long train ride away but his was the most experienced and sympathetic ear I knew.
“You’re slipping up.”
“I know.”
I’d confessed to what was happening between Lockett and I. Okay, maybe not all of it, but the general idea. I knew he wouldn’t approve, but I had to tell him. I had to get it off my chest, and he would understand in a way that Alexa and Mallet and no one else would.
At least the weekend hadn’t been as awkward as I feared, though that was more because Lockett made himself scarce, announcing that he was visiting another brother of his that lived out on Long Island.
“I know I shouldn’t have been trying to start anything yet,” I said, “I know it’s too soon.” I put my head in my hands, my face hovering over my latte. I breathed in the steam. “I don’t know what I’m doing. At all.”
“Come on,” he said, “That isn’t the Katherine I know.” I shrugged one shoulder, staring into my mug. “You’re stronger than this.”
“Am I?” I asked with a bitter laugh. I didn’t feel strong. I felt weak, and confused, and lost.
“Yes. You are. Look at me.” I met his gray eyes. I hadn’t known Patrick for very long but he’d quickly become a rock in my life. His steady gaze held mine as he spoke. “You kicked an addiction in the ass. Making this move, resisting this boy, getting over him or whatever… this should all be easy next to that. Remember that. Don’t forget how far you’ve come.”
“Maybe I’m out,” I said, “Maybe I’ve used all my strength up.”
“No.” He shook his head. “I don’t believe that. It’s just a lot of upheaval for you all at once. When the dust settles, you’ll be yourself again. You’ll see.”
“I hope you’re right.” I looked back down at my coffee. He rested his hand over mine. The warmth and the weight was a comfort. Almost fatherly. I released a long breath. “You
are
right,” I said with more conviction.
He was quiet for a moment, considering something. “You need to work more.”
I snorted. “Don’t I know it.”
“I mean you need to fill up your time. You don’t know what to do with yourself without taking care of your mother.”
I hadn’t even considered that. I couldn’t say that I outright missed her - she was an unpleasant, demanding woman who didn’t show much concern or consideration for me as her daughter. But she was a huge presence in my life, and to suddenly move out and away from her had left a big gaping hole of free time. Patrick was right - I needed to fill that time up.
And I needed to be more aggressive about going for the positions I wanted.
“I know that look,” Patrick said. “Done moping?”
“Yes,” I said. I sipped my coffee. Still too hot, but it was taking too long to cool off.
“Good girl.”
○●○●○●○●○
I stopped in to the local library on my way to my tutoring job that afternoon. I marched right up to the front desk and asked, “Can you tell me who’s in charge of the volunteer program, here?”
The middle-aged woman raised a bored eyebrow. “Did you apply online?”
“Yes, and I never heard back.”
“Hmm.” She tapped on her computer. “Do you live in the area?”
“I live a neighborhood away,” I said, “But I work around here a couple days a week.”
“All right. Name?”
“Katherine Riley.”
She typed away for a moment. “Okay. I emailed the program director. They’ll move you to the top of the list for the next opening.”
“Oh. That’s it?”
She smiled, finally warming up a bit. “That’s it, honey. Showing up is more than half the battle. We get a lot of applicants online that aren’t serious at all.”
“Oh, I’m serious,” I said, “I love working with kids and I have the time-”
She cut me off with a raised hand. “You don’t have to sell yourself to me! You’re already moved up. You’ll probably get a phone call this week.”
“Great! I wish I’d known it was this easy.”
“Like I said. Just showing up is all it takes, sometimes. That’s true in a lot of things, trust me.”
I thanked her and finally got out of her hair.
Good
. Between the tutoring and the volunteering I’d fill up enough of my afternoons. I still had the pesky money problem but the wolves weren’t quite at my door just yet.
Maybe I should look outside of teaching. Just for a little while. Just something to do in the evenings.