Tigers on the Beach (6 page)

Saturday comes. Sam and I have arranged to see
Eternal Winter
. I'd prefer to see a movie with special effects, but I don't mind, provided Sam and I get to hold hands again. We may even have our first proper kiss. I think about this as I help to prepare the breakfasts with Mum and nearly burn my fingers on the industrial toaster. Then the phone rings. I can tell the call is coming from cabin number two, where Grandma is staying. I pick up and do my best hospitality business voice.

‘Reception. How may I help you?'

‘Hello Georgia.' Grandma is on the line. How can she think I'm Mum?

‘It's me, Adam.'

‘Are you sure?'

‘Of course I'm sure.'

‘I'm thirsty,' says Grandma. ‘Could you please bring me some juice?'

‘Sure. What juice would you like?'

‘Apricot.'

‘Sorry, Grandma, we have only orange, apple or pineapple,' I say.

‘No apricot juice?'

‘Only orange, apple or pineapple.' There is a pause.

‘Do you have mango?' asks Grandma.

‘No,' I say. ‘And we don't have wombat juice.'

‘You really should have mango juice. It's unprofessional not to.'

‘I'm sorry, but we don't.'

‘I can see a lady from my window and she's drinking mango juice.'

‘It's probably orange juice.'

‘What about blackcurrant?'

‘Only orange, apple or pineapple. Can I bring you some orange juice?'

‘Please. But tell your parents they should have a wider range of juices.'

‘I'll tell them.'

The toast is coming off the conveyor belt and piling up. Mum has the radio on, as she does every morning. The presenter tells a joke and I try to listen as I deal with the toast. His jokes are usually good, but not as good as Grandpa's. This morning it's one I've heard before. ‘A burglar breaks into a house after the owners have left. He's about to take the computer, when he hears a voice. “Jesus is watching.” He thinks he must be hearing things, and he bundles the computer into his bag. Then he hears the voice again. “Jesus will punish you.” He shivers. Then he sees a parrot in a cage and breathes a sigh of relief. He creeps over to the parrot and says, “Did you say that?” The parrot says, “Yes.” The thief is curious. “What's your name?” he asks. “Moses,” says the parrot. “What sort of person would call a parrot Moses?” the burglar asks. The parrot replies, “The same person who called that Rottweiler behind you Jesus.” '

Grandma rings again to remind me that she is thirsty and asks if I think that she's a camel. I reply that I'm pretty sure she isn't.

‘Then please bring me something to drink,' she says. ‘Even if it's just orange juice, which will probably make me sick.'

After the breakfasts are served, a shy couple enters the office. They have been staying with us for three nights. Nathan says they look like tarsiers, wide-eyed monkeys from Borneo.

‘Our two children are concerned about the old lady,' says the father. ‘They think she might be a witch.'

I chuckle and Mum shoots me her glare, the one that can kill flies mid-flight.

‘It seems a strange thing for an elderly woman to do. Throwing stones like that,' says the father.

‘I'm very sorry,' says Mum. ‘My mother is upset. She lost her husband not long ago.'

The guests are sympathetic. They offer their condolences and Mum thanks them. But before they leave, the mother asks, ‘It won't happen again, will it?'

‘You have my word it won't,' says Mum. ‘Please enjoy the rest of your stay at The Ponderosa.'

Marika and I push the trolley laden with buckets and sponges and other cleaning products towards cabin number two. Grandma has taken her carrier bag and gone out for a walk to the store. Marika and I start cleaning the cabin. Working with Marika is like working with someone who lives in another dimension. It's impossible to get through to her, even though I try. I ask Marika if she has a grandmother like mine. Marika replies that she is saving up to have liposuction because she doesn't like her thighs. She says it's genetic. All the women in her family have big thighs.

Marika picks up the urn.

‘Put that down,' I gasp. ‘My grandpa's ashes are in there.'

‘My mother has the biggest thighs of all,' says Marika, calmly putting down the urn on its chair.

Marika is incredible. Not even an urn full of human ashes is enough to distract her from the endless dramas of her life.

When she returns from the general store, Grandma calls me over. She's carrying something that I don't recognise.

‘Adam, I need you to do me a favour,' she says.

‘Sure.'

‘Could you set this up for me?'

I realise that Grandma has bought a possum trap. I try to hide it, so she doesn't get arrested.

‘Please put it away, Grandma.'

‘Why?'

‘Possum traps are illegal.'

‘How can they be illegal? They sell them at the general store. Victor Burns says there's quite a demand for possum traps.'

‘Nathan told me they're against the law.'

‘How can a shop sell things that aren't legal?'

‘Well, there's a shop in Flanders that sells bongs, and they're not legal. Sorry, I can't set the trap for you.'

‘Have you been buying bongs?'

‘No, it's just an example.'

Grandma sighs. ‘Never mind. Is the cabin clean?'

‘Marika and I just finished.'

‘My memory stick has gone missing.'

‘Sorry, we didn't find it.'

‘You don't think Marika might have taken it, do you?'

‘Of course not. She isn't a thief. Why would you think that?'

‘Well, because when I asked her if she'd seen it she gave me a very peculiar answer.'

‘What did she say?'

‘She told me that she was thinking of dyeing her eyelashes.'

‘Don't worry, she always does that. She's self-obsessed. But she's definitely not a thief.'

‘Off you go, then. I know you're busy. Obviously too busy to get a haircut.'

Grandma makes so many criticisms that I've learned to ignore them.

‘I think there's something you should know,' I say.

‘Yes?'

‘Marika picked up Grandpa.'

‘Pardon?'

‘She picked up Grandpa's urn. Sorry, she did it before I could stop her.' I take a deep breath. ‘Grandma, do you think, maybe, we should sprinkle Grandpa's ashes somewhere?'

‘I've been giving it some thought, Adam. Are you sure you won't set the trap?'

I'm confused. ‘I thought you and Grandpa liked animals.'

‘Very much.'

‘Then why do you hate the possums?'

‘I'll tell you if you set the trap for me.'

‘Sorry, Grandma, I can't do that.'

‘Then you'll never know, will you?'

My morning chores complete, I collect some money from Dad and head off on my bike. I am the assistant manager of The Ponderosa but I have the rest of the day off. I hope that things don't collapse in a heap when I'm gone. They probably won't.

Sam lives in Port Argus, ten kilometres north-east of Samsara. I'm wearing my good jeans and a green, orange and yellow striped shirt. I have new trainers that I bought on sale at the Carlington Mall. My boxer shorts are also brand new and free of tractor beetles. I wonder what sort of tights Sam will wear. I imagine purple ones and almost fall off my bike.

When I arrive at Sam's house, Nurse Rose welcomes me in.

‘Well, it's the young man who survived an explosion,' she says. ‘Are you feeling better?'

‘Much better,' I say.

‘Let me see your face.'

I let Rose inspect my face.

‘You should use moisturiser. But it's not so bad.'

Sam walks into the living room. She isn't wearing tights. Instead she has tight blue jeans and a red top, accessorised with red socks, red belt and red hair. Maybe she has red briefs? I stop thinking about this, in case I turn into Ben Beacham, the sex maniac of Samsara High.

‘Let me get you something,' says Rose, leaving the room.

I tell Sam about Grandma and the possum trap. Sam doesn't approve because she thinks that possums are cute and part of nature. Mind you, Sam doesn't have to sweep up two kilos of their crap every morning.
Eternal Winter
starts at Flanders in half an hour, so we need to leave. Rose returns and hands me a zip-lock bag full of home-made chocolate biscuits in case we starve during the movie.

‘Mum, you shouldn't use zip-lock bags,' says Sam. ‘They're bad for the environment.'

‘Nonsense,' says Rose. ‘You can use them again and again.' Sam says that somewhere in the world there is probably a huge island made from zip-lock bags and it will be there forever. Rose waves aside such environmental concerns. She wants to drive us to the cinema. Sam says it'll be more eco-friendly for us to ride our bikes. Rose says she saw a story on the news about train surfing.

‘Kids climb onto the tops of trains then stand upright and surf them from station to station,' says Rose. ‘What is wrong with kids today?'

‘I blame video games,' I say.

‘How very true,' says Rose.

‘Adam is an assistant manager,' says Sam, to reassure her mother than I am too burdened with responsibility to be a train surfer. Rose looks impressed.

‘Please be home in three hours,' Rose says. ‘You'll look after Sam, won't you?'

‘With my life,' I say.

Rose smiles. ‘It's nice to see you again, Adam. I'm glad your face is better. You're almost handsome.'

Is it good for the mother of your girlfriend to describe you as ‘almost handsome'? I really wish that Grandpa was still around because he was the one who always answered questions like this.

When we get to Flanders we lock up our bikes, even though it's a low-crime area and thefts are rare. The only thief I know is Tony Palin, a kid from school who is so notorious that even Cash Converters has stopped buying stuff from him. The police haven't arrested him yet, even though his parents keep reporting him.

The two movies playing are
Eternal Winter
and a comedy called
Up the Duff.
I've heard that
Up the Duff
is funny and I wouldn't mind seeing it myself.
Eternal Winter
is playing in the smaller cinema. This is fine by me. We'll probably be the only two people in the audience. We decide to eat Rose's home-made biscuits, rather than buy overpriced popcorn. Sam's mother, I learn, is an amazing cook as well as a nurse.

I hear someone call out. It's Ben Beacham. He's with Michaela Debeljak, a girl he fancies. She's fairly pretty, with dyed blonde hair, but not my type. I prefer girls who look intelligent. Michaela looks as though she'd have difficulty finishing a quiz in
OK!
magazine. For example:

Please write the next two numbers in this sequence:

1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, _ , _.

Which of these characters is not one of Snow White's seven dwarfs?

1. Doc	3. Dopey
2. Sleepy	4. Scooby-Doo