Read Tigers on the Beach Online
Authors: Doug MacLeod
I return and explain about the ticket situation.
âGreat,' says Ben. âWe can all see
Up the Duff
.'
There are no biscuits left and Michaela complains that we have made her break her diet.
Sam and I sit in the back row with Ben and Michaela
.
Michaela makes an ugly snorting noise when she laughs. Unfortunately, she thinks that
Up the Duff
is
hilarious
. The American comedian Rob Ryder plays a pregnant man. He has morning sickness, cravings for weird food, bladder problems, all the stuff that pregnant women go through, only it's funny because it's happening to a man. I think the film's okay, though Sam isn't laughing much. In front of me are two middle-aged women who can't stop cackling. But the weird thing is, one woman keeps explaining to the other what is happening.
âHe's in the supermarket now,' the explaining woman says. âHe's picking out containers of ice-cream from the freezer and putting them in his trolley. He's obviously got pregnancy cravings. Now he's in the delicatessen and he's buying pickled cucumbers. At least that's what they look like. I can't be sure. No, they aren't cucumbers, but they're
like
cucumbers. I can't think of the word . . .'
This goes on and on. It's as if we're watching a DVD and this is a commentary track for idiots. I try to ignore it.
The bit that makes nearly
everyone
crack up is when Rob Ryder uses a breast-pump on himself. The suction is on too high, so it's stuck to him and won't come off. The woman in front can't explain the scene to her friend because she is laughing so much. I'm glad. Then Rob Ryder's parents pay a surprise visit. They don't know their son is pregnant. They see him trying to pull off the monster breast pump. The looks on their faces are hilarious. I laugh loudly.
âHe's got a breast pump,' the lady in front tells her friend, now that she has managed to control her laughter. âIt's stuck to him. His parents have walked in.'
I can't take any more and tap the explaining lady on the shoulder. She turns around. I ask her if she could stop describing to her friend every single thing that happens in the movie. My voice is louder than I expected and I sound angry. The explaining lady apologises for bothering me. She tells me that the reason she's explaining everything is that her friend is only partially sighted. While her friend can
hear
a few things, she can't see much. The explaining lady promises she'll lower her voice if it's too distracting for me.
I feel terrible.
It's as if I have been mean to a blind person. But how was I to know? And why is a blind person seeing a film like
Up the Duff
? For the dialogue? Michaela stops snorting for long enough to give me a dark look, as if I hate blind people.
As soon as the film is over, Michaela and Sam go off to the toilet together.
âThat sure was bad of you to beat up on deaf people,' Ben tells me.
âBlind. She wasn't deaf, she was blind.'
âThat's still no excuse.'
âI didn't beat up on her,' I protest. âI didn't know she was blind. I didn't think that blind people went to movies like this.'
âThat proves how prejudiced you are.'
This is too much, coming from Ben Beacham who uses the word âspastic' to describe anyone who doesn't conform to his narrow idea of what is normal.
Our conversation takes a major change of direction. âI saw Michaela naked,' Ben says, proudly.
I don't make a big deal of it, which annoys Ben.
âDid you hear what I said?'
âHalf the people in this building did.'
âDon't you want to know how?'
âYou took her bushwalking and you went skinny-dipping,' I say.
âHow did you know?'
âBecause that's what you always do.'
The girls return and ask Ben what he is grinning about. He says he just thought of something funny from
The Simpsons,
but he forgets what. We all agree that
The Simpsons
is a great show. Michaela says that even her deaf uncle likes it because you can get episodes that are captioned. She says she is
proud
to have a deaf uncle because she is not prejudiced, like
some
people.
âMichaela, I'm not prejudiced,' I say.
âIt would be terrible to be blind,' says Michaela.
âI agree.'
âOne day, you might go blind yourself and
then
you'll see,' she says, unable to leave the topic alone and confused by her sentence. I don't even attempt to sort it out for her.
Ben says we should go out and get pancakes
.
I know that Sam likes blintz pancakes and I'm terrified she'll agree. I'm not crazy about the idea of watching Ben Beacham re-enact every scene from
Up the Duff
.
âSorry, I have to go home,' says Sam.
I breathe a sigh of relief.
I want to hold Sam's hand but she isn't keen because the blow-drier in the bathroom wasn't working and her hands are still wet.
âI don't mind wet hands,' I say. âEspecially if they're yours.'
But Sam is embarrassed about having toilet hands, and I respect that. When her back is turned, Ben whispers to me, âYour girlfriend doesn't have much of a sense of humour. She's hardly even got boobs. Did she get depressed?'
âGo surf a train,' I tell him.
Rose is waiting for Sam and me when we get back to Port Argus. She looks flustered, but relieved that we haven't run off and joined a train-surfing cult.
âAdam. Sam. You're late. I was worried.'
âWe saw a different movie,' says Sam. âIt ended later.'
âYou didn't see
Eternal Winter
?'
âWe couldn't get in.'
âYou should have rung.'
âWe're not
that
late,' says Sam.
âNearly a whole hour. It's impolite not to ring.' I apologise to Rose.
âWhat film did you see?' she asks.
âIt was a comedy,' I say.
âWhich one?'
I doubt that Rose would be a huge fan of
Up the Duff
. âI forget the name,' I say.
âIt was a Rob Ryder movie,' says Sam.
âRob Ryder? Is he one of those smutty comedians? Always doing sex jokes?'
âHe's matured,' I say.
âDid you like the biscuits?' Rose asks.
It's such a rapid change of subject that it takes a second for me to catch up.
âThey were delicious,' I say.
âI'll get you some more,' says Rose. âAs well as some moisturiser. You wait here.'
Rose exits, leaving Sam and I to linger in the living room.
Sam has been quiet. I know she hated the film.
âI'm really sorry about the movie,' I say.
âThat's okay,' says Sam. Her hair is pressed down from wearing a bike helmet. I think of what it would be like to run my hands through it.
âI know you didn't like it,' I say. âI didn't think it was that great either.'
âYou were laughing a lot,' says Sam.
âNot that much.'
âAdam, it's not a crime to like Rob Ryder.'
âI
don't
like him,' I say. âI hate him. I wish he would die. Next time we'll see the movie that
you
want to see. No matter what happens.'
âSure.'
I want Sam to be more enthusiastic, but she remains calm and enigmatic. At least, I hope she's being enigmatic, because if she isn't, it probably means she doesn't like me all that much.
âSam, we've gone out twice now and it really hasn't worked out,' I say, âbut I have a very good feeling about us. Okay, we didn't have such a good time in the general store because I started a mooning craze, and the movie was a disaster because it wasn't funny â'
Sam interrupts. â
You
thought it was funny.'
âI didn't. I really didn't. And worse than that, I was rude about a handicapped person. Apparently I am a fascist.'
âI don't think that about you,' says Sam.
âLet me show you how much I like handicapped people,' I say. I hold out my hands and make three gestures, like this:
âWhat does that mean?' asks Sam.
âThat's your name,' I say. âI just spelt out your name in sign language.'
Sam smiles. âDo the whole alphabet.'
Happy to oblige, I do my hand gestures for all twenty-six letters of the alphabet. Sam looks impressed.
âDid they teach you that at school?' Sam asks.
âNo, I taught myself.'
âWhy? Do you know any deaf people?'
I shake my head. âI work in the hospitality industry. I meet all kinds of people. One day I'm bound to meet a deaf person and I'll know how to communicate with sign language. I can teach you, if you like.'
âOkay,' says Sam. âI'll ring you.'
âPromise?'
âSure.'
âAnd next time,' I say, âwe'll do whatever you want. Your choice.'
I smell Sam's cherry chapstick and it drives me crazy, but I know she doesn't want me to kiss her yet. Not properly. I tell myself that I'm okay with that. We don't need to rush around like Ben and Michaela, taking off our clothes on bushwalks.
Rose's voice rings out. âI don't have any biscuits left. Do you like macaroons?'
âSure, I like macaroons,' I say, not sure what they are.
âTake them home with you,' Rose says, handing me a bag of little coconut cakes and some lotion. âEnjoy the moisturiser.'
âMum, you used another zip-lock bag,' Sam complains.
âYou'll use the bag again, won't you, Adam?' says Rose.
âCross my heart,' I say.
I guess Sam's mother
does
like me. But I know that I'm pushing my luck if I bring Sam home late again.
Mum and Dad are in the front office when I get home. Incredibly, they are arguing.
âYou need to have a word with your mother,' Dad says. âThere was another incident today. While you were out shopping, she climbed a ladder.'
Mum is shocked. âKen, you shouldn't let her climb ladders. She's old. Imagine if she fell.'
âI didn't find out about it until afterwards.'
âWhat was she doing up a ladder?'
Dad replies in disbelief, âShe was hanging four teddy bears from a tree.'
âOh.' This doesn't seem so strange to Mum.
âWhy on earth would she do that?' Dad asks.
âIt's an old trick,' she says. âIt's meant to keep away possums. You know how Mum hates the possums.'
âI think everybody at The Ponderosa knows that by now. Nathan took down the teddies.'
âThen there's no problem, is there?'
âThis is a
holiday resort
, Georgia,' Dad snaps, ânot
The Blair Witch Project
. You can't have hanging teddies. It's disturbing for the children.'
Mum realises Dad is right. âYes, I'm sorry about that.'
âIt won't be long before the guests start leaving,' Dad adds.
âI'm sure they won't.'
â
Please
, just speak to your mother.'
âI will, Ken. I will.'
I make my arrival known. Mum smiles hello and leaves the office.
âDid you have a good afternoon, Adam?' Dad asks.
âSure.'
âHow was the movie?'
âBad.'
âWhat was it about?'
âThis guy who gets pregnant.'
âWasn't that a movie with Arnold Schwarzenegger?'
âThis was a remake.'
âThey remade an Arnold Schwarzenegger movie? Hollywood must be desperate. Who was in it?'
âRob Ryder.'
âHe's funny.'
âHe's not
that
funny.'
âI thought you liked him.'
âNever. I'd rather watch paint drying.'
Dad is startled by my sudden hatred for Rob Ryder.
âDad, is everything okay with you and Mum?'
âOf course it is,' he says.
âDo you swear on a stack of bibles?'
We actually have a stack of bibles in a box under the counter. The bibles were given to us by the Gideons, to put in the cabins. We've never got around to it and the guests haven't complained. We keep the bibles for swearing purposes. Dad takes out the bibles, swears on them, then puts them away again.
That night after dinner I go outside, eat macaroons and think about Sam. I lean against the Barnetts' fence, feeling sorry for myself as the stars come out. My relationship with Sam hasn't been developing the way I would have liked. She's seen me perform a lewd act at the general store. She's witnessed me losing my temper with a blind person's friend and laughing at a man being attacked by a breast pump. As I eat the last macaroon I realise that despair tastes of coconut. I never want to eat another macaroon for as long as I live.
Later, I lie in bed wondering what I can do to prove to Sam that I'm her perfect boyfriend. I consider ringing her, but Sam said she'd ring me, and I don't want to look needy or desperate.
âPoofter,' says Xander when he sees me using Rose's moisturiser on my face. âPoofter, poofter, poofter, poofter. You are a gigantic poofter.'
âYou are an
enormous
poofter,' I say back.
âYou are
two
enormous poofters,' says Xander.
âYou are a haemorrhoid.'
There is a massive blowfly in the room. The buzzing in the dark is driving me crazy.
âI think there's a blowfly in the room,' says Xander.
âOf course there's a blowfly in the room. Do you think
I'm
making that noise?'
âYou'll have to kill it.'
âI thought you liked insects,' I say.
âBlowflies are disgusting. Whenever they land they vomit.'
âThen I hope it lands on your tongue.'
âKill it, or I'll murder you.'
I climb out of bed and turn on the light. âOkay, I'll get some flyspray.'
Xander sits up in bed and screws up his eyes against the light. His hair is mussed up and he looks like a troll doll, only less attractive. âYou can't use flyspray,' he says. âYou'll poison my bugs. You have to squash it.'
The fly buzzes loudly as it circles the light bulb. I grab Xander's Ronald McDonald towel to flick at the fly.
âAnd you can't use that,' says Xander. âIt's a valuable antique.'
âTough,' I say.
I run around in my undies, flicking the the towel at the fly.
âZzzzzzzzz,' the fly taunts.
I yell at it to shut up.
âZzzzzzzzz.'
âIt probably doesn't understand English,' says Xander, helpfully.
I flap and flail with the towel.
âZzzzzzzzz.'
I stub my toe on the bed. It hurts like anything.
âZzzzzzzzzz,' says the fly.
I swear and nurse my sore toe.
âYou're useless,' says Xander.
The fly has landed on his bedhead. Xander picks up a large book and whacks the fly. I'm amazed that he squashes it on the first go. Then I'm annoyed to see that he has used one of my books to do it. It's my big special-effects book, the one that Grandpa and Grandma gave me.
âI'll murder you for that,' I say.
âAll right,' says Xander, happily. âCome and murder me and I'll murder you.' He jumps up on the bed in readiness. But I feel exhausted.
âSorry, Xander, not tonight. Go to sleep.'
Before I flick the switch, Xander speaks in a solemn voice I don't often hear. âDad doesn't like Grandma staying here,' he says. âHe's looking cross. Around his head.'
âWhat are you talking about?'
âHe's got an angry colour around his head.'
Has Xander inherited Grandpa's gift?
âYou can see colours around people?' I say.
âSometimes.'
âHow come you never mentioned it before?'
âI don't have to tell you everything that's interesting.'
âBut you tell me everything that
isn't
interesting. Have you told anyone else?'
âNo.'
âThat means you can read auras.'
âWhat?'
âIt's called reading auras, when you see a colour around a person. Grandpa could do it too. Did you know that? Xander?'
But Xander has either fallen asleep or is pretending. I look at him and wonder what it must be like to live in his world, where he can see colours that aren't there, but he can't see trees that are. Is my little brother actually an alien, who can do impossible sums in his head, but can't hold a tray? Should we hide him away, in case the scientists from Roswell come for him? I wish I could have a secret power like Xander and Grandpa. I can't see auras. I can't do incredible sums in my head. I can't fly. For someone who is so interested in special effects, I am sadly lacking in special powers.
I turn out the light and overhear Mum and Dad arguing in the next room.
âOf course I don't hate your mother,' says Dad.
âThen why won't you be civil to her?'
âI'm very civil. She's the one who's going around throwing stones and terrifying the guests.'
âCan you imagine what it must be like for her?' says Mum.
âBut she's had time to get over it all.'
Mum sounds really furious. âSince when did grieving have a time limit?'