Tiny Buddha's Guide to Loving Yourself: 40 Ways to Transform Your Inner Critic and Your Life (11 page)

Welcome to your new spiral staircase—inspired mantra:
I have a view. I hold wisdom. I use both
. Think it. Say it. Act on it. Let it create your new character.

I've used the staircase visual and practiced this mantra for a long time. However, it's newest for one particular aspect of life these last two years. In sports and yoga I have always asked a lot of myself. I've competed with myself and failed to listen to my body. I journeyed close to one year with a sports hernia, then chronic sacroiliac (SI) joint pain/lower back issues, and a tear of my adductor during a restorative yoga pose (of all times). I could go on about my wrists, my left shoulder, my neck, and the running injuries, but I think you get the picture.

I did an A+ job at beating myself up, which only added to the extreme sadness of not being active each time I made myself suffer. But that was then, and this is now. I now have wisdom that has changed the way I treat my body. I have proven that I can be gentle to myself but still strong. Also, I have learned an insane amount about the human body. Though I still like to push when I know it is healthy to do so, I assess from that higher place. I assess where I've been, where I am, where I really want to go, and how I want to feel.

On that next spiral up I remind myself there's no final or “perfect” destination off the staircase of life. It is merely a journey
with many similar situations. However, with growing wisdom and a richer perspective, we are better able to deal, enjoy ourselves, and suffer less. It's freeing to know that we are acting from a more intelligent place today versus yesterday, don't you think?

As I sit here typing while icing tendonitis in both arms, I challenge you to give yourself a break next time.
Woe is not you. Wisdom is
.

You can start changing your perspective by using this visual of a staircase. Make it your new BFF. The next time a familiar situation is frustrating you, think, yes, you're confronting something similar again; but this time it's higher up the staircase. Trust and respond from this place. Ask yourself: how can I react differently this time given the learning from last time?

Next, remember that everything transforms. Connect with the fact that with up comes down, with light comes darkness. With down comes up, with darkness comes light. When you find yourself smack in the middle of a day filled with disequilibrium, remember that your equilibrium must be right around the corner. Trust in the flow of your life and that of the universe.

It will help to develop a growth mindset. Accept the idea of a failure en route to your goals. In essence, plan for some roadblocks, nod when they come (you knew they were coming), and move on as quickly as possible.

Lastly, practice saying, “I'm sorry,” especially to those you wouldn't normally say it to. Saying these words filled with meaning forces you to move from your comfort zone and look at things from a
different side. Healthy, yes, but more importantly, it also brings you closer to the people who make life worth living.

And if all else fails, do a headstand or downward dog. It's difficult to feel and see things the same way if you're upside down.

Namaste. And remember: when in doubt, take the spiral staircase. It really is the most pleasant route. See you there. I'll be the one repeating this mantra, borrowed from Samuel Beckett: “Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better.”

1. Reframe guilt- and shame-driven thoughts to be more self-compassionate
.

When you start getting hard on yourself, recognize that you have a say in what goes on in your head, and consequently, how you feel. Then consciously choose to replace self-judging thoughts with kinder ones. As soon as you recognize you're going down a self-critical path, visualize a red stop sign in your head and replace that thought with, “I made a poor decision, but I am a good person. I am learning from this mistake, and I'm proud of that.”

2. Realize your mistakes only define you if you let them
.

After a huge mistake, you may suddenly have a limited perception of yourself—as if that one decision negated everything good you've done and everything worthwhile about your character. Of course you'll feel horrible about yourself if you think your worst decisions define you. Step back and give yourself some perspective. Ask yourself, “When I'm ninety and looking back on my life, will this really be my focus?” Odds are, it won't. You'll see yourself and your life as a totality, and your mistakes as part of the fabric of your journey.

3. Remove the phrase “should have” from your vocabulary
.

What's done is done. You did your best—and even if you didn't, it wasn't because you are a bad person. It's because we all trip up sometimes; it's part of being human. Instead of dwelling on what you
should have
done, focus on what you can do right now. Stay in the realm of what you can control. You can't ever go back and change the past; you can't erase the things that you're not proud of. But you can be proud of how you respond to the consequences of what you've done. Whatever quality you wish you embodied before, choose to embody it now. It's not too late to be who you want to be.

4. Ask yourself how you can respond more wisely than you have in the past
.

Instead of thinking there's something wrong with you for struggling, consider that mistakes are essential to growth—then use this as an opportunity to show yourself how much you have grown. How can you respond to this mistake more wisely than ones past? What insights can you glean from this mistake that may help you improve going forward? How can you leverage this as a learning experience, essentially making it useful?

T
HERE IS NOTHING MORE FUTILE AND MORE EXHAUSTING THAN
trying to get everyone to like you. For one thing, it's impossible; but more importantly, it's counterproductive. When you adapt yourself to please the varied people you meet, you inevitably lose track of who you actually are—which means no one gets a chance to know you and form a genuine opinion. Perhaps even worse, you end up feeling disingenuous every time you say something you don't really think, believe, or feel, which inevitably chisels away at your self-respect—even if you believe you're being a “good person” by agreeing, conceding, and censoring yourself.

You might look for approval from other people because you want confirmation that you're good enough. Maybe you don't trust your thoughts and opinions, so you look to others to back your decisions. Or perhaps it's not just about feeling loved, appreciated, and accepted; it could also be about avoiding the pain of rejection, which stings even more if it confirms your worst fears about yourself.
According to German psychoanalyst Karen Horney, the need for approval relates to a fear of helplessness and abandonment. None of us wants to feel excluded, disregarded, or otherwise devalued.

We all look for approval from others in some way or another, whether we consciously recognize it or not. It's how we gauge our performance in life. We look to our bosses to confirm we're doing a good job, our loved ones to ensure we're meeting their needs and expectations, and maybe even strangers to confirm that unbiased outsiders recognize our significance and worth. It's natural to crave some level of external feedback. It only becomes detrimental when we give it so much power that every criticism or negative assessment diminishes our self-esteem.

Unhealthy approval seeking can be a difficult habit to break, especially since it's generally rooted in fear; but it
is
possible to place less weight on other people's perceptions and more weight on our own. With focus and effort, we can learn to value ourselves whether other people validate us or not.

How can we stop fearing abandonment and rejection? How can we stop obsessing about other people's opinions? How can we feel more confident, so we stop trying to manipulate how others see us, and focus instead on being who we want to be? Countless Tiny Buddha contributors have addressed these issues on the site, sharing their experiences and insights. Some of those include . . .

by Erin Lanahan

Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it
.

—R
UMI

Up to a certain point in my life, I was always seeking approval and validation from everything outside of me. All I ever wanted was to feel loved. I longed for this feeling and wondered how the world could be so cruel as to reject me when I was so loving and available. I have since learned that I was not as available as I thought I was.

It has been my experience that everyone who crosses our path is a mirror. They have come because we have called them into our lives to show us something—to teach us how to be more of who we truly are. Our higher selves crave these experiences and relationships, because ultimately, this journey we call life is all about finding everything we want within us rather than without. It's about waking up.

I have learned this after many years of things not turning out the way I wanted them to, feeling as though I was a victim, and that life was just
not fair
. I felt this way until I finally got it—I finally understood that life is happening
for
us. Yes, for us. When I experience the pain of rejection in the external world, it is only because there
are still places within myself where I am rejecting myself. As long as I reject myself, I will regularly attract people and situations that reject me, because we attract the people, places, and things that are energetic matches to ourselves.

If I'm conscious about this, I can use these experiences as opportunities to break down the fear that keeps me from fully giving and receiving my own love and love from other people. I have the choice to sink into my truth and be available to the pain I feel, and then to use it as a tool for healing. By giving it my attention, I can then fully feel it and process it.

When we really feel our feelings and allow ourselves to fully have an experience, then the charge within us dissolves and no longer attracts more of itself into our lives. This can be hard to accept at first, because it is much easier to blame someone else for our pain and sorrow. But that is an illusion too. In the end, it is much easier and way more productive to take full responsibility for everything that “happens to us.”

If we can live life consciously and authentically, understanding that things do not happen
to
us, but rather
for
us, we can use everything that comes into our lives as experience to our benefit. We can locate all the barriers that keep us from beauty, love, abundance, intimacy, and joy.

Recently, I confessed my feelings of affection to someone who didn't feel the same way for me. I've avoided this for a long time. I was so afraid of feeling rejected that I had pushed my feelings down
for almost two years. However, as I grew and evolved, I considered that the entire relationship was there for me to heal. I was meant to look my fear of rejection in the eyes and learn to love myself through it.

So that is exactly what I did. I came clean. I had external integrity and shared my heart with him in a way I never could have imagined doing just a few short months ago. Now that he knows how deeply I care for him, I feel like my wounds are on the mend. I continue to have internal integrity and allow myself to feel all the fears his rejection triggered, such as “I'll never be good enough,” or “I'll never be chosen,” or “I'll never get what I want because there is something wrong with me.”

Previously, I was holding myself back in my interactions with him because I was afraid to feel these things. Once I accepted that this relationship was happening
for
me, I realized I had to risk potential rejection. If I didn't because I didn't feel worthy, my fears would prevent me from attracting the level of intimacy that blossoms in open, honest, loving relationships.

Rejection was the only way through these walls I'd built. It was time to feel the fear and do it anyway, for my own good. Now I'm not afraid of rejection because
I'm
not rejecting me. I can feel gratitude for it, and every other emotion I experience, because all of it is relevant—all of it is there for me to heal my wounds so I can be free. I'm learning to love myself more as I use my life to break down the barriers within me that keep me from returning to love.