Authors: Lori Deschene
Next time you feel unappreciated, frustrated, or rejected, do yourself a favor and use them as opportunities. Put these feelings in your box of healing tools. Then ask yourself: how could these people, places, or things show you the barriers within yourself that keep you from experiencing all the love, peace, and joy you long for? Remember—our external world is a reflection of our internal world. What does your internal world look like? To change within is to change without.
by Emma Brooke
What I am is good enough if I would only be it openly
.
—C
ARL
R
OGERS
I used to spend an awful lot of time worrying about people liking me. Or what people thought of me. Or what they thought of the clothes I was wearing. Or whatever. It's taken me a long time to realize two things: most people aren't even taking notice of you (they're too busy worrying about what other people think of them); and of the few who
are
noticing you, the ones who are judging harshly are not the people you want to be around anyway.
Makes sense, right?
It's actually something I'd heard a hundred times before, but it never really sunk in. What made it so hard to believe this is actually the case, and that I should give up caring what people think once and for all? I think, in simple terms, it's built into our human nature. We're social creatures, therefore we want to be sociable; and we think that in order to be sociable, everyone has to like us. Otherwise we would become . . .
gasp!
. . . social outcasts.
Lately, I've been challenging this fear. I recently moved from my small town to London. Capital city, UK. The big smoke (for the
United Kingdom). I decided, in my quest to try new things and get healthier, to join the gym at the end of my road. Unfortunately, I've never felt quite at home in a gym. For me, it's almost like that scene in
Pretty Woman
when Julia Roberts walks in to the designer clothing boutique for the first time and all the shop assistants look down their noses at her.
I have to admit, that hasn't actually ever happened at my gym—at all. But it's happening in my head, because in my head I also hear, “You're not as good as them,” “They'll think you're stupid,” and “You don't fit in here.” You've probably had a similar experience at some point in your life. Maybe you were just starting a new job, or meeting your partner's parents for the first time, or walking into your first day of school. The problem is, it's not other people with the problem. It's us.
When I think about everything I assume everyone else is thinking, I see side-glances and sniggers where none really exist. The gym, for me, becomes hard work, not because of the people who go to my gym, but because of how I perceive them to be.
I am currently working on developing a positive attitude. It underlies my whole philosophy on life: Your thoughts create your reality. My natural disposition was always a bit negative. I suspect I developed that attitude partially because my parents taught me that it was important to consider all the options and to be “realistic.” That, in itself, is not a bad thing, but I ended up focusing on the negative
side of things instead of realizing I had a choice to perceive things differently.
After my experience with the gym, I decided to turn my negative thoughts about other people into positive ones. Instead of dwelling on all the bad things I thought people were thinking, I told myself, “I belong here,” “I'm happy here,” and “Everyone here likes me.”
Everything started to change. I suddenly realized that no one was looking at me strangely. No one cared what I was doing or whether I was as gorgeous as them. (There are super attractive people at my gym!) They were quite happy minding their own business, doing their own thing, and working on themselves—and suddenly I was able to do the same.
We
are
sociable animals, and we want that approval from other people, which for generations has meant conforming to the social norms of our society. But we live in a time when people are far more tolerant of individual differences than ever before. If we can start to accept and be who we are, we just may realize that not only is it okay, but most other people think it's okay, too.
We really can be ourselves if we can remember that it's our perception that matters—and it's a waste of energy to try to see ourselves through other people's eyes. Odds are, they're paying far less attention to us than we think.
by Alesha Chilton
What other people think of me is none of my business
.
—W
AYNE
D
YER
When I was younger I was afraid of being myself. I constantly wanted to conform to others in order to be liked and appreciated. I just wanted to be liked for myself, but I wasn't letting people see that person. I've learned that if you show the real you, not everyone will like you, and that's okay. The people who are worth your time will appreciate you for who you are. And you will have deeper, more meaningful relationships as a result.
I was afraid to think for myself. I was not confident in my decisions, and I let others decide what I should be doing according to their beliefs. I felt like a toy boat being tossed about in the ocean, and it was exhausting.
We don't learn in school what healthy relationships look like and what is and isn't acceptable. We make excuses for other people's behavior, even though it is hurtful to us. We hope that they will change and think that perhaps we can mold them into better people.
In my first relationship, I changed myself completely for the guy. I desperately wanted someone to love me, so I went from being
a suburban girl to a country girl—complete with the cowboy boots and belt buckle. But inside I felt empty because I was playing a role. Deep down, I was afraid of being rejected. I didn't think I was worthy of being loved just as I was.
After that, I got into an abusive relationship. I reasoned that he would change into the person he used to be—that maybe I could help him be a better person. Nothing changed. Things just got worse. I let him have control over me, and ultimately I became depressed and fearful. Love isn't supposed to be fearful. Love means accepting a person, flaws and all. But it's also about mutual respect for each other. It's about fully appreciating a person without trying to change them. It's about free will.
I got pregnant in college, and I lost a whole group of friends who judged me for it. But looking back, I realize this experience weeded out friends who weren't truly there for me. My true friends, on the other hand, threw a surprise baby shower for me and loved me unconditionally. This is what people do when they see and accept you for who you are. This is what we open up to when we do the same for ourselves.
I finished college with help from my parents and am now earning my master's degree. Many people asked if I was quitting college. They doubted that I could be a student and a mother. But I had faith in myself. For the first time, I felt confident, whether everyone liked me or not.
As I grew into a stronger woman, I realized that who I am is wonderful, and that no one was going to convince me otherwise or
try to change me. I also decided to stop hoping I could change other people. I took things one day at a time, because looking at the big picture was too daunting and overwhelming. I knew that one day I would meet someone who loved me for me, and that I would love them for them—when the time was right.
Having a child has helped me appreciate the present moment and beauty around me. My daughter doesn't get stressed out about the past or the future. She doesn't worry about what others think of her. She simply dances around the living room, plays with her toys, and laughs without worries or cares. She appreciates flowers and sunlight. Seeing her live reminds me of who and how I want to be.
The present moment is all we have, and we deserve to enjoy it. Worrying is exhausting. It drains you mentally and physically. And in the end, nothing gets accomplished except worry itself. So why do we do it? Because we mistake worrying for taking positive action. We feel as if fretting over an outcome can change the situation, when in reality it cannot.
One time while I was pregnant I was at the grocery store and I thought this old woman was giving me dirty looks. She was glaring at my empty ring finger. I felt certain I knew what she was thinking: “Look at that unmarried pregnant woman. She's such a sinner and a drain on society.” I ended up getting nervous and hurried to leave. Upon going out the door, I realized that I had left my milk in the store.
At that point I realized how ridiculous it was. So what if she
was
judging me? Why should I let someone else get me that frazzled? I
realize now that I can only open up to all the good I deserve in life if I stop obsessing about what people think of me and fully realize that, just as I am, I am good enough.
We are all good enough, and we all deserve the best. We just have to believe it.
by Sacha Crouch
Criticism is something you can easily avoid by saying nothing, doing nothing, being nothing
.
—A
RISTOTLE
The need for approval kills freedom. Trust me, I know, because I spent my entire life seeking approval until I realized it was a waste of time and didn't work anyway. My desire to get people to like me was the motivation behind the majority of my choices and actions in my early life. Queen of the social chameleons, I mastered the art of telling people what they wanted to hear and being someone they would find impressive—all the while worrying incessantly about what others thought of me, fearing criticism, and holding myself back as a result.
When I first started building my coaching business, this craving for acceptance caused me to hide from opportunities where the potential for reward was high, but the possibility for criticism was equally as large. As an example, one of my first client referrals was to coach the CEO of a major corporation. It's painful to admit that I told my client I wasn't the right person for the job and referred them to someone else.
My need for approval created immense anxiety about the value I provided for my clients and caused me to spend far too much time
on tasks in order to perfect them. It got to the point where I was wasting so much time and losing so many opportunities that I had to make a big decision: either let the business go or learn how to get over myself! Fortunately, I chose the latter. I created a plan to learn to let go of needing others' approval (well, at least letting go enough that it would no longer sabotage my success). Here I am, seven years later, running the same business with much greater ease and success as a result.
Can you relate to these issues? Do you constantly make choices to avoid disapproval or criticism, rather than choosing to pursue what is most valuable, effective, or important to you? Do you hold yourself back from speaking your opinions or hide your true self? This is something you can, and, dare I say,
must
change if you want to be happy in your life and successful in your career. It
is
possible to change.
I have identified four levels of approval-seeking behavior:
The need for approval—low performance
. Your need for approval negatively impacts your performance—you avoid doing important things, feel anxiety and fear, and get stuck in worry and rumination. Wanting people to like you results in declining new opportunities, being too nervous to perform effectively, and showing signs of avoidance, such as apathy, withdrawal, analysis paralysis, and giving up. If this rings true for you, recognize how the need for approval is holding you back from doing the important things. When you feel those familiar
constricting feelings, remind yourself of everything you stand to gain by doing your best, whether other people validate you or not—all the opportunities, possibilities, and positive feelings you could enjoy if only you made an effort. Once you shift your focus from what you might not receive from others to what you can provide for yourself, you will be free to achieve and create what you want in life with much less stress and effort, because you are currently exhausting yourself through avoidance.
The need for approval—high performance
. Although you're a high achiever and get great results in your life, it is often at the expense of everything else. The need for approval in this case results in doing too much, feeling anxiety, worrying, being unable to stop ruminating about challenges, trying to please everyone, not making time for yourself, working too hard, and being unable to say no. If this is you, focus on how the need for approval is causing you to do too much instead of only what is important, and to do things for others at the expense of yourself.
Self-acceptance—low performance
. In this instance, what others think of you has little impact on your decision-making about how to spend your time. However, your performance is low due to other motivational factors, such as being unaware of what is important to you, what drives you, and what makes you happy. Hence, you may be stuck doing work you don't
really enjoy and have habits that hinder your performance, or alternatively, you may not have the skills to work effectively at what you are doing. If this is you, focus your energy on getting in touch with what really matters to you. Start to listen to what you really want in your life and act on this to make it happen. Life becomes much more effortless when you are living in alignment with what is important to you.
Self-acceptance—high performance
. This is a place where you make decisions based on what is right for you. You make effective choices with your time, are okay with saying no when it is required, and are committed to only doing that which is important and valuable to you. In this space, you spend less time in your head worrying about people and situations and more time just getting things done. You don't need to be busy in order to appear successful. Instead, you choose to measure success by doing what matters to you and charting your results. This is a collaborative space where you lead and connect effectively with others without being at their beck and call.