Torn (The McKerricks Book 1) (23 page)

Her voice sort of tapers off and sputters out, but I need to know. So I decide to give her a little nudge to keep talking and hope it doesn
’t push her away.

“
And? You can describe me as rakishly handsome you know. It won’t inflate my ego.” Much.

“
Christ you are such a guy. Are you sure you want to hear this part? This is the part of the story where you’ll start hating me if I tell it.”

“
From the very beginning? Now I’m intrigued,” I reply against her tangles with a soft laugh. There is no way. I’d stake everything on it.

“
Well you were there-”

“
Looking devastatingly handsome.”

She lets out a soft almost soundless laugh, I can feel the breath of it against my neck.
“Exactly so. For me I… the higher I go… the more I achieve. The more I wanted to drag myself back down. And that day was a good day, so I knew I needed to get the hell out of dodge. You were dangerous to me. I could see it in the way you watched me. I cold
feel
it between us. You had to power to break me. I liked flirting with that danger, but I knew I needed to get away before I went to far so I left… but you came after me.”

She pulls back, and those too green eyes watch me carefully.
“You came after me and I couldn’t help myself. So I did something I knew I shouldn’t do and used you to hurt.”

“
I see…” those are the only words I can get out. It hurts. She used me to hurt herself. I
hurt
her. Every time I touch her I hurt her. “Did it hurt? Do I… hurt you?”

“
No,” She replies with a self depreciating laugh. “No that’s the problem. The moment you touched me I knew I’d done something so stupid. So fucking stupid. You set me on
fire
. I intended to use you because I would feel nothing. Because it would make me hate myself to fuck around with a guy when I felt nothing. But the moment you touched me I felt
everything
… that was my first orgasm you know.”

“
Your first… are you serious?” I know I can’t keep the shock off my face much less out of my voice.

“
Yeah,” she replies with a laugh, and for a moment her green eyes light up, and she is my Henley again. But it’s just for a moment.

“
Do I hurt you Henley? Do I still hurt you like that? You can use me however you want… I just… don’t want to hurt you.”

“
You don’t hurt me… quite the opposite actually with you I feel… I’m… I’m just me. I’m normal… happy… I guess I subconsciously tried to drag myself down. I’d been so happy with you that I… just messed up I guess.”

I nod thoughtfully. It makes sense. What she is saying makes sense, and it feels honest to my ears. I am so fucking thankful that I don
’t hurt her. I would never forgive myself. That would be the only way I give up Henley is if I am
hurting
her. Anything but that. I’ll do anything but hurt her knowingly.

“
Can I ask you something Lover?”

“
I might not answer,” she replies warily.

“
Thats fine I just… I mean I will never put my dick in your mouth again I just wonder… what exactly happened there?”

“
I don’t want to talk about it.” The little bit of light that was in her eyes is gone, and I realize I’ve messed up again. She’s brooding now. Silent.

“
It’s not much longer till we get there… are you hungry?”

She just gives me a silent nod, her eyes tell me she is back in that place. Whatever place started this mess, with whatever demons made her the way she is, so I place her gently in the chair and go to warm up some in flight meals.

We eat in silence, and after she is done she goes back to the bedroom and closes the door behind her. Fuck. Me. How the hell could I have brought that up. I want to fucking strangle myself. I’m definitely the dumbass of the fucking century here.

After a few moments, the door clicks back open and she is standing there in one of my spare button up shirts with no pants on, watching me, her face slightly flushed. Her mouth opens, and like she thinks better of it, it snaps shut.

I get it. It’s an invitation. She’s not shutting me out. I can feel my lips pull into a grin as I walk over and take her hand. She pulls me toward the bed, and when we lie down she curls up against my chest.  I can feel the hot wet tears  beginning to soak my chest where she has her face pressed against me. I don’t mind. She came to me. Little by little she is letting me back in, even further than I was before. So I just hold onto her and let her cry herself to sleep in my arms. Sleep claims me not long after.

Chapter 18

“
Um… sir… Mr.McKerrick sir?”

Groggily I try and pull myself out of sleep. I
’m so comfortable, if I never move again that would be okay with me. When my eyes finally manage to slit open, a flight attendant is standing there with a pleasant businesslike smile on her face.

“
What?” Oh shit my voice sounds terrible. Scratchy and hoarse. I try not to move and wake Henley up. I want to hold her for a little while longer.

“
Sir, we’ll be landing soon, the pilot is asking that you go back to your seats sir.”

With a groan, I nod at her and she turns to leave. Henley
’s green eyes are parted slightly watching me, and I can’t help but smile. My little author. “Time to get up.”

“
Okay… you never said where we were going?”

“
It’s a surprise,” I say with a grin as I drag her out of the bed. I let her get dressed before I pull on her hand and tug her toward the seats. I really hope she has never been out of the U.S. before it will make the impact all the greater. I’m not letting her go until she tells me everything. So I brought her far enough away that she can’t wriggle her way away from me.

I sit near the middle, away from any windows, and Henley sits next to me. Perfect. This way she won
’t be able to figure out exactly what’s planned until it’s too late. As I watch her sit there, with that thoughtful look on her face, I’m brought back to something she told me before.
‘I know better than to love you Angus. I know better than to love anyone. Because once anyone gets a look at the real me… they won’t want me anymore.’

“
Connor?”

“
Yes Lover?”

“
I’ll tell you everything okay? Just… give me some time. I’m a little bit scared.” Her voice is trembling, but honest. So fucking honest.

“
What are you scared of lover? I’m here, so there is no need for your fear.”

“
I know… you don’t do relationships… but would it be weird if I said I’m scared that I won’t get to see you? I won’t get to touch you… I’m scared to lose you.”

“
Henley I-” before I can reassure her the flight attendant with her horrible timing is interrupting me.

“
Okay sir we have safely landed. Your requested transport is right outside so if you would please make sure you have your carry-on items we can get you started on your vacation.”

Her cheery voice pisses me off, but I know that what I have to say to Henley isn
’t for other people to hear, so I nod and help Henley out of her seat as we get off the plane. When we step off the plane Henley cranes her neck around, but you can’t tell where we are just yet. The small airport is surrounded by trees. The Helicopter I requested is just a few yards away, ready to take off, so I lead Henley that way.

I push her up into the helicopter, and as confused as she looks, Henley trusts me enough to comply. I strap her in, letting my hands linger against her skin before strapping myself into the seat next to her.

The helicopter takes off, and once we get above the tree line and you can really see, Henley’s body goes rigid. I can’t help but think that I might have messed up again as I look at the long expanse of blue ocean and white sand beaches. Maybe Henley doesn’t like the beach. Her head turns in time looking at the things the pilot is pointing out as we make out way to the private island. The island is about a mile or two in each direction, with only one house on the whole thing. The only way on or off is by helicopter or boat.

The helicopter lands easily on the open expanse of sand next to the house. Henley stares at the house in silence as we land, squinting to make it out in the densely forested island interior. I keep my arm tight around Henley as we get off the helicopter. As soon as we are out of the way the helicopter takes back off, heading back toward the main island.

“Um…” she turns towards me with her wide green eyes. Shes terrified. Good. “Where are we?”

“
Welcome to a small island in the middle of the south west part of the pacific, part of Fiji. Small, unnamed, and completely private.”

With a frown she points at her legs.
“In jeans?”

I toss her my signature grin before I pull my sweater over my head, and slip out of my jeans. And much to my delight, the moment I
’m naked Henley’s gaze drops straight down, to my
very
hard dick. It’s not like I can control it around Henley at this point so I don’t try.

“
I guess it’s good that it’s a private island then lover?” scooping up my clothes I make my way toward the house. I’m bullshitting. I just want to see her reaction. I made sure appropriate clothes made their way here before we did. They should already be waiting in the house.

Instead of getting naked with me, Henley wraps her arms tight around herself and follows me toward the open indoor/outdoor home. I don
’t like it, but she’ll come around, or we just won’t leave. I can’t help but grin at myself. There is no way she can run or dodge me on such a small space.

When we walk into the home space, I
’m relieved at how nice it is. It’s perfect for what I have in mind. There are no inner walls, leaving the whole thing like an open studio. The only place that is shut away is the bathroom. The living room opens directly onto the balcony overlooking the beach. I point toward a set of dressers in the area dominated by the bed.

“
It’s up to you, but I’d say wear the black bikini. I picked it out myself,” I offer with a grin as I walk to the other dresser, pulling out a pair of swim trunks.

“
You…”

“
I had them deliver clothes Henley, I’m not so cruel as to let you wear jeans or wander around naked. We’d never get any talking done.”

She glares at me as she looks through the drawer, finally pulling out the black bikini. If it can be called that. Black scrap of cloth is more like. She
’ll be covered… technically. She levels that almost glare at me, before digging around again and pulling out a more covering silver and black bikini before going to change in the bathroom.

“
Henley I’ve seen you naked before.”

“
I don’t care,” she calls back through the door. “Everything is different now… it’s just… different.”

“
Not everything,” I tell her softly when she leaves the bathroom. She’s still beautiful. She’s still mine. I still wont let her go. The important things didn’t change at all.

“
What didn’t change then Angus?”

I take my fingers and trace them gently along her jaw, and instantly her skin begins to flush. I run my fingers along her lips, and down the column of her neck, letting the pads of my fingers drag lower against her pebbled nipples. Her breath starts to pull in and out raggedly.

“Tell me this changed. That you don’t want me like you did before. Tell me this thing between us isn’t as volatile and combustible as it was before.”

She whimpers and leans into my touch and I
know
that she feels it. So with a smile I withdraw my hand, because until she tells me everything I don’t want to give in. I’ve gained so much ground with Henley I’m not going to lose it all by letting my dick lead me around. No matter how much I’d enjoy it. So I pull back with a grin. Because I’m not sticking my dick anywhere near her until I figure out why she ran away from me in the first place. That night in the club was lesson learned.

“
Come take a swim with me lover. The water is blue the sun is shining.”

She followed me out of the house, but her smile wasn
’t as easy. She didn’t laugh easily, her eyes weren’t so guarded, she was honest. Honestly mellow. Henley’s hurts were deep enough that even after a day of playing around on the beach she wasn’t ready to trust me with them, and that was fine. A boat came and went several times dropping off fresh fruit, drinks, and food. As each day bled into the next, I managed to keep my hands to myself. Just barely. Henley tested my willpower when I didn’t want her, now that I do it’s like some kind of penitence to be so close and not get to truly touch her. Not to see her face writhing in ecstasy. Although I took every opportunity I could to kiss her and touch her and turn her on without giving in to either of us. But as the week wore on Henley became more withdrawn into herself.