This is the opposite of the cold, calculating persona he’s so careful to project. The opposite of the emotionless mask. This is the passion he struggles to hide. It’s endless, apocalyptic, and I’m powerless against it.
It’s been penned up for so long, and the tiniest taste of it is like standing under a waterfall.
He cups my breast, traces my ribcage, his lips claiming mine. One hand finds its way to my throat, and his thumb presses into my collarbone as his other dips below the water. He trails a finger down my stomach and slips his hand inside my bikini bottoms.
I don’t know which is making me hotter—the hot tub, or him. I’m lightheaded with fire, inside and out. He caresses my slit, the barest brush of his skin against my clit turning my spine to pure electricity, and a tiny groan escapes me—
“Get the fuck off her.”
Tanner’s voice shatters everything that’s been building inside me. I twist around and see him, see the hurt and fury in his eyes. It sends a knife right through my heart.
Sebastian releases me and steps out of the pool, water streaming from his body. I don’t know what he’s going to say, and I don’t get to find out, because Tanner lets out a yell of rage and tackles him around the torso, knocking them both off the porch.
“Tanner
, no!” I scream and leap out of the hot tub. It’s dark beyond the dim lamp-lit porch, and it takes me a moment to spot them. The porch drops off a few feet into the snow. Sebastian gets to his feet, his skin still steaming from the water, snow clinging to his bare chest.
“I know you love her,” he says coolly. “That’s why I’m not going to hit back.”
Tanner’s fist opens a cut on Sebastian’s cheekbone. He staggers but doesn’t fall, refusing to look away. Tanner hits him again, bloodying his lip.
“Stop!” I jump off the porch, the snow freezing my legs, and grab Tanner around the waist. “Don’t hurt him, Tanner!”
He shakes me off so hard I stumble and fall. The pain in his voice makes it hurt to breathe. “Shut up,
best friend
. Not interested, huh? You feed me some bullshit story about your parents so you can get with this asshole behind my back—you’re a fucking liar—”
“She can get with whoever she wants. She’s not yours.” Sebastian’s stare could freeze fire. The blood streaking his face makes the danger in his eyes even more intense. “And I suggest you don’t insult her in front of me.”
Tanner pants like a bull. “She’s a fucking liar and you’re a fucking freak—”
Sebastian moves so fast I hardly know what’s happened until I hear the thud of his fist connecting with Tanner’s fast. He cuts the blow at the last the second, but he strikes with flawless precision, and Tanner’s nose gushes blood.
Tanner bellows and tries to tackle him again, but Sebastian slides to the side like water and catches him with a swift blow to the stomach, knocking him on his back. Tanner coughs hard as Sebastian watches, his eyes glittering.
“
Stop
!” I sob, the tears cold on my cheeks, and leap in between them. “Please don’t fight. Please.”
“May,” says Sebastian.
Tanner snorts blood onto the snow and glares at Sebastian with abject viciousness. “You think she gives a shit about you? Her roommate made her a bet, you prick. The only reason she bothered talking to you was because her roommate bet her she couldn’t get you to open up by the end of the semester. She’s been playing you this whole time.”
For a moment, there is utter silence in which I notice how hard the wind is blowing, the fact that flakes are starting to fall from the sky. Then I feel the impact of what Tanner said. All I can do is stare at him in horror.
“Sebastian, that’s…it’s not why…” I whisper, but I can’t lie and I can’t say anything as his expression slides back into emptiness, cold and deadened. He turns sharply and walks back into the lodge.
“Sebastian, please!” I cry after him, but he doesn’t look back.
I whirl on Tanner, my rage battling my pity for how pathetic he looks in the snow. “How could you tell him, Tanner?” Tears pour down my face. “Why would you say that?”
“You lied to me.” He struggles to his feet, his fury matching mine.
“I’m allowed to kiss whoever I want!” I yell at him. “You’re not my boyfriend, Tanner, you’re my best friend, and that doesn’t mean you own me!”
“I know!” His anger is suddenly replaced by misery. “I know, May. It’s just—when I saw him on top of you—I still—May, I still have feelings for you. I’d fucking love t
o get rid of them, but I can’t.”
For a second, I think he might cry, and if that happens I’ll forget what he said to Sebastian and comfort him instead, so I rip away and run inside the lodge. I check all the rooms, desperate to apologize, to explain, but Sebastian’s nowhere to be found.
I’m slowly realizing what I’ve done. He said I was the first person to ever care about him. And now he thinks the only reason I bothered was because of a stupid bet. Guilt melts cold across my stomach. I never should have taken that wager. I’ve hurt him—I’ve hurt him badly.
I have to fix this.
I check the living room again and that’s when I notice that his jacket and boots are missing from the mud room. He’s gone out. I yank on my own jacket, gloves, boots and race out the front door.
The farther I run from the lodge, the darker it gets. The night seems to close in over my head, the same way the water did the night Sebastian almost drowned. The wind is piercing, cutting through my jacket and freezing my neck. I can hear it howling high up the mountain. It’s really snowing now, fat flakes whipped by the wind. I remember what Renée said about not going out tonight, but I need to find Sebastian.
Eventually, I’m so far off that when I look behind me, I can’t see the lodge. My ears are so numb that I can barely hear the whistling of the wind anymore, but I don’t have any room in me for fear. All I want is to find him. He can’t have gone far. I veer to the side, shading my eyes to try and look up the ski slope, but all I can see is darkness and snow.
I’ve lost him.
Still looking up, I take another step, and that’s when I slip. I crash to the ground and roll, but I’m near the edge of the slope, and suddenly I’m on the end of a ledge and then I’m over it and I’m falling through the air—
My back strikes something hard—
And the last thing I know is the cold.
SEBASTIAN
Running away. At least that’s something I’m familiar with. Familiarity—always good.
I can’t remember the fight that made me run, that first time. With my mother, for once, not my father. I wouldn’t clean my room. Or I was tired of being so sheltered. It escalated. I yelled something childish.
I hate you
. And then I was out the door. When I finally walked through that door again, nothing would be the same. I was never the same.
It’s snowing hard, so I don’t walk far. Just past the end of the lodge, along the bottom of the ski slopes, not up. I tilt my head back and stare at the whirling flakes. The sky is so dark.
I was right from the start, then. She did want something. Her roommate made her a bet. That’s all it was. She didn’t care about me. Didn’t want to see me smile. Just wanted the fame of being the one to crack the ice around Sebastian Crane’s heart.
I swing around, the heel of my foot connecting with the trunk of a pine. Snow showers me. I remember the long
martial arts lessons my father used to make me take. After the kidnapping. I learned quickly, learned well. My heart was a black hole, but fighting meant letting something out. Whereas swimming was always about control.
I don’t care that May lied to me. I’ve cared about nothing for years. It would be stupid to start now. She’s just an idiotic girl. And an excellent liar. I have to commend her for that.
When I walk far enough that the wind sends numbness creeping over my lips, I turn back. I’m calm now. Cold again. I can separate from May and Tanner as easily as a knife sliding through butter.
Maybe, some deep, hidden spark of me thought this might be worth it. Getting close to her. Putting up with Tanner. Grasping some semblance of a normal life.
Maybe a larger, equally hidden part of me desperately wanted to be allowed to care about May.
But it’s not allowed. I will not be manipulated. I will not lose control. I can bury anything to avoid that. May would be better off, after all, with Tanner. An idiot, but he has a heart. He’s not frozen. I’m all ice. If a warm person like May got near me, I’d melt into nothingness. I can already feel myself falling apart when she talks to me.
The lodge grows in the distance, a black shape peppered with glowing yellow windows. I hesitate in front of the door, then grit my teeth and push it open. My boots are caked with snow.
Tanner’s standing in the kitchen, his arms folded. At first I think he’s going to go for another fight, which I’m perfectly okay with, but instead he asks, “Where the hell is May?”
“How should I know?”
Tanner scowls, but I can see worry underneath it. “She ran off right after you left. I though she was chasing you down. And now you’re back, so where is she?”
Something sinks in my chest. I glance out the window. The snow is reaching blizzard proportions. By now, May must have realized she’s lost my trail. She should be back. It would be easy for someone to get turned around in this weather. To wander deeper into the woods.
“I’ll be back,” I grunt, rezipping my jacket and stepping back out the door.
“Hey!” Tanner yells before I shut it in his face.
The weather’s getting worse. It’s dark enough that I can barely see my hand in front of my face, let alone someone in the distance. But I bend down, sweeping the ground until I loc
ate a set of smaller footprints, heading in a different direction from a larger set—mine. I stand. The footprints are heading toward the slopes. Up the mountain.
She really is
reckless.
There’s something painful in the pit of my stomach. As I walk, I realize what it is. Worry. Fear. I’m afraid for her. Scared something bad has happened. Despite my determination not to care. Despite my supposed control over my emotions.
Even now, she’s the one with control over me.
The wind beats against me, icy flakes melting against my skin. I throw an arm over my face and plow on, squinting at the ground to stay on the trail of footprints. They’re already nearly wiped out by fresh snow. In another ten minutes, I won’t be able to see them at all. I have to find her fast. I shout her name, but
the wind drags the sound away from me.
So much for not caring.
I call her name again, but there’s no response. Nothing. I’m far enough up the slope now that it’s getting difficult to walk without slipping backwards. I look down and see that the footprints veer sharply off to the side before turning into a skid, then vanishing altogether.
Off a ledge.
My throat tightens. I run to the ledge and there, a few feet down, is May, half-buried in snow. I can see her face. It’s motionless. Her eyes are closed.
My heart stops altogether.
Without waiting to think of the danger, I leap down after her. I hit the ground hard. My knees nearly buckle and I stagger, stopping just short of toppling off another ledge, this one with a much longer fall. But that hardly registers.
May.
I drop to my knees next to her, brushing snow off her forehead, hardly daring to breathe. At my touch, she moans quietly. Her eyelids flutter without opening. I take off my glove and I can feel her breath, warm and strong. She’s just fainted. She’s alive.
The realization rips every ounce of strength from my body. I nearly collapse. I rest my forehead against her shoulder, briefly, before getting myself together. She’s alive. I repeat it to myself like a mantra. She’s alive.
And I fucking care. With every ounce of me.
CHAPTER
NINE
MAY
I dream that I’m being carried.
I’m draped across someone’s back—someone strong and tall. My arms swing across their chest. My head is too heavy to lift, and I can’t open my eyes, but I don’t need to in order to sense that this is a person I trust.
“H
old on, May,” he says, but the wind is too loud in my ears for me to be able to tell who it is.
All I want to do is sleep.
When I wake up, though, I’m no longer being carried. I’m in bed, sunlight spilling over my face. I sit up slowly, my back and head aching, and recognize the bedspread. I’m in my bedroom at the lodge with no idea how I got here.
I glance toward the door, and just then, Tanner sticks his head in. His hair’s tangled and he looks haggard. “You’re awake.”
“What happened?” I ask immediately. “Where’s Sebastian?”
He winces at the name. “He left early this morning. Called up a jet. Don’t worry, though, there’s one for us. It’s, uh, waiting outside.”
I fight the urge to bury my head in my pillow and groan. I never got the chance to explain—to tell Sebastian it’s him I care about, not some stupid bet. No wonder he left. He probably never wants to see me again. “How did I get back?” I ask to hide my emotions. “I remember going out, and then…”