Authors: Sarah White
When everything is put away in the kitchen, I join Noah in the living room and sit cross-legged at the far end of the couch. He slides a paper and a pen over to me, and I take a minute to read the agreement, sign my name and hand it back to him.
“Thanks, Crash.” Despite everything, my heart speeds up in my chest when he flashes me his off-kilter smile.
Noah begins to explain the coding procedure. My phone rings in the distance and normally I would sprint to it, afraid I might miss a call from Lyle. But it can wait. The ringing fades into the background as I focus on Noah’s deep voice.
It’s hard not to smile at his enthusiasm. My attention goes back and forth from his lips to his hands, but I lose track of the words he is saying. There is nowhere I would rather be right now than here with him. He reaches up and tugs a strand of my hair that has broken free from my clip.
“Are you listening to me?” he asks playfully and I feel my face flush with embarrassment at being caught inside my own head.
“Sorry,” I say and look down at the floor. That wasn’t very professional of me.
“I’m having a hard time concentrating, too,” he says softly. I can’t help but be pleased at that. “I’ll start over and this time let’s focus on the project.” We sit there for a minute just looking at each other and then he breaks the silence. “I hope he told you how beautiful you are,” he says. He reaches for the remote control and turns the TV on.
I don’t answer him, but I feel his words warm my insides. Forgetting Lyle will be hard, but walking away from Noah might be impossible.
Noah
Sitting this close to Leah is doing a number on me. There is no doubt that under different circumstances I would have tried to sleep with her. She is beautiful and intelligent—a lethal combination for me. It’s a good thing I met her the way I did a few days ago, or I would have messed things up quickly.
This is not me. I don’t like this dance that couples do and I try hard to avoid situations like this, but there is something about her that isn’t allowing me to treat her like other women. I want to protect her, to show her that she can love again, but the irony is that I know I will ultimately hurt her. With one wrong move I could prove her right, only to prove her wrong in the end.
I lean forward on my elbows and try to get the TV to the right input so I can start the video. I feel her eyes on me and I want so badly to turn to her and lean in. I want to know what she tastes like and how soft she feels in my arms. Instead, I run a hand through my hair and settle back into the couch. My knee accidently brushes hers and my body responds instantly, sending a rush of adrenaline through me.
“So, let’s go over it one more time,” I suggest, “and then watch a video so you get an idea of what I need from you.” Her eyebrows
rise
briefly and we both laugh at the double meaning. I rub my hands down my face and remind myself she is off limits. “You know what I mean,” I say, and reach to touch her knee. At the last second I realize what I am doing and drop my hand on the couch instead. If she noticed, she doesn’t say anything.
“Alright. I’m ready,” She says. Her phone rings in the distance for a second time, but she looks determined to ignore it. She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth.
“Did you want to answer that? I don’t mind.” I say the words but they are not true. I’m jealous of an unknown caller. No, I’m jealous of a particular caller; I just don’t know if that’s who is ringing her now. She jumps up to retrieve her phone.
I hate that I care. I hate that for the first time in many years, I want to be the one a woman wants to talk to. It’s a lot of responsibility to do it correctly and normally I’m happy not to be that guy. As I watch her pick the phone up and slide her finger to unlock the screen I feel my stomach turn. I reach into my pocket for my own phone and pull up Mandy’s number, a girl I have just started hooking up with.
I can’t bring myself to type anything as my attention is fully on the hushed conversation Leah is having with the caller. “I’m doing okay. The move went well, but now there’s a problem with my apartment so I’m staying with a friend.” Leah glances at me and I pretend to be absorbed in my screen. She turns back, tucks her head down and lowers her voice. “I miss you.”
I feel like I’m watching someone walk right off the end of a pier. I cringe and remember exactly how it feels to be putting yourself out there when the other person doesn’t give a shit. I rub my chest, stand up and start to make my way to my bedroom. When Leah spins around to watch me go, I whisper, “Take as long as you need. We can do this another time.” She smiles and nods her head before turning away and shutting me out.
I have come a long way since my days of heartbreak, but not long enough to lose the empathy I feel for others. In my work, I have a limited time to sit with someone in their sorrow. When the session ends I get to change hats and take a break. With Leah living here, I won’t have that luxury.
It’s been a long time since I thought about my break-up. I lie down on my bed and tuck my hands under my head. I can’t hear the words of Leah’s conversation of course, but I can hear the soft lull of her voice out in the living room. I’ve left my bedroom door cracked so she knows she is welcome to come in when the conversation is over. I lie there, silently begging her to hang up before she has a chance to put her heart back in his hands.
It feels like hours before the call is over, but eventually it dawns on me that I can no longer hear her voice. I sit up, listening, and what I hear causes my heart to hurt. It is very faint, but I hear whimpers and sniffles, and I know she is crying. I curl my fingers around the edge of the bed and a war begins inside me. I should leave her out there to recover on her own. Stepping in won’t help her through it any faster.
I feel myself stand up anyway. As if they were controlled by someone else entirely, my legs move toward my door. I pull it open to find Leah, her silhouette backlit by the kitchen light.
We stand there for a second in silence. I was coming to her and she was coming to me. Now we have reached an impasse, neither of us knowing where the line of this new friendship is drawn. Without thinking, I reach for her and pull her into my arms. I know I can’t get her through this grief any faster, but I can hold her for a little while.
Leah
Noah wraps me in his arms and the tears begin to fall again. Why does it have to hurt so badly? It isn’t as if someone physically hurt me, so why does my body feel like it’s been hit by a truck?
I lift my arms and squeeze Noah tight. I feel empty inside and long for something to fill that space. His hand caresses my hair. “He said he’s happy,” I manage to say, although it is muffled from my face being pressed so tightly against Noah’s chest. “He said—” a sob breaks up my sentence, “he just wanted to make sure I was okay because he feels guilty breaking it off the way he did.”
Noah lifts his head and I think he is about to say something, but he hesitates as if he has to be careful with his words. Instead he rests his cheek back on my head. I take a calming breath and continue. “He also said he thinks it’s better this way. I told him I think he’s making a big mistake.” I feel Noah’s body tense.
“What did he say to that?” he asks.
“He said I would see with time that I don’t love him as much as I thought I did. And that’s not even the worst part,” I whisper, almost ashamed to say the rest of it. Noah pulls me away from his chest and looks into my eyes. “He said he knows I will see it because that’s what he did. He stepped away from
us
and discovered he didn’t love me anymore.”
Noah pulls me into his arms again but doesn’t say a word. How could he not say anything to that? But then I realize.
“You know,” I whisper.
“What do I know?” he prompts gently.
“You know that nothing can fix this. You know…” I feel the hole in my chest rip open wider. “You know that he isn’t coming back. You know it’s over.” This time when Noah pulls me away from him I see both empathy and a touch of pain in his eyes
“Yes. I know all of those things, but so do you. I have a feeling you’ve known them for some time. I wish I could tell you what would make it better, but going through it is the only way out of it.” I close my eyes and nod my head. I feel defeated. Noah gives my arms a little shake. “Hey, Crash…” I open my eyes and look deep into his. “Today is one more day you’ve made it through without him. In a few hours you’ll start making it through another one. It’s just a matter of chaining the days together.”
“What if I don’t want to keep going without him?”
“Right now you think that because you don’t know any different. Since you’ve been with him, there hasn’t been a life without him. But trust me—the days will go by and the ache will lessen. You’ll learn that there is a life without him. Love is like a drug, and right now you’re like an addict in withdrawal. Your brain is so low on the feel-good neurotransmitters it is actually distressed. Give it time to heal.”
I let his words sink in. I don’t have the energy left in me to tell him he’s wrong.
“Let’s get you to bed so this day is behind you.” He slips a hand into mine and tugs me along behind him into his room. He folds down the covers on the bed and motions for me to climb in. I don’t even question it. I slide under the covers and he pulls them up around my neck. I close my eyes, curl my body up and hug my knees.
Noah leaves the room for a minute and then returns with a bag of ice wrapped in a towel. He gently puts it on my eyes. It feels soothing and I am grateful. I hear him getting undressed but I keep my eyes closed behind the cool compress. When I feel the bed dip next to me, I hold my breath. I want him to wrap his arms around me so that this lonely feeling can’t swallow me up.
“Go to sleep, Leah. I’ll be right outside in the living room if you need me.” I let myself relax and then drift off to sleep, comforted with the idea of not being completely alone.
Noah
Leah’s breath finally evens out as I stand next to the bed. Her grip on the towel loosens and it slips slowly from her face. She seems so fragile, and I want to make it better for her, but the burden of a heartbreak can’t be shared with others.
When you lose someone through death there are always other people to grieve the loss with you. You know that the person is never coming back so your heart begins to heal. Breaking up with someone is different. You’re alone in your grief and you not only have to get over the loss of them in your life, but also come to terms with the idea that they are still out there living a life that doesn’t include you.
Leah rolls to her other side and I hold my breath. Looking down on her in the darkness causes a warmth to spread in my chest. She is different from the girls I date and I’m not sure how to handle this. It seems so contradictory to want to protect her from a broken heart while also craving the feeling of her body pressed up against mine.
We are friends. I have to remind myself that I am on borrowed time with her. I have to stay focused on the idea that she deserves more than what I am willing to give.
I leave the room and grab a blanket from the closet on my way out to the couch. It’s a routine I’m not unpracticed at—I often find myself slipping out here if a girl has managed to overstay her welcome in my bed. I lie down on my back and look up at the ceiling, hoping to clear my thoughts. With Leah in my arms earlier I felt like Superman, but I know she has the potential to be my kryptonite.
* * *
My phone ringing from my coffee table wakes me and I take a minute to find my bearings. I squint my eyes against the sun streaming through the window and reach for it, clearing my throat before answering. “Hello.” Leah pokes her head out of the bedroom, pulling my attention away from the call.
“Hey, Noah.” Mandy. “Sorry to call so early but I was in the neighborhood and thought maybe you would want some coffee. I’m downstairs if you’re interested.” Mandy is a hot undergrad I met in line for coffee one morning and we were in bed by that evening. We’ve connected a few times since. It was her call that sent Jen out of my apartment the day Leah arrived.
I’m not sure what I should do, but I don’t have to consider it long when Leah looks at me with wide eyes and red cheeks. She mouths the word ‘sorry,’ and quickly dashes back into the bedroom. I’m left lying on the couch alone with my body interested in a sleepy Leah that it can’t have.
“Uh, sure, Mandy. Sounds great. Come on up.” I hang up the phone and then make a quick trip to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Leah ducks past me with her bag and I assume she is going to get ready for the day in my other bathroom. When I’m finished and I leave my room, I can hear the shower running. I wonder for a moment if Leah will be upset, but…no. We’re just friends and this is my apartment. A knock at the door lets me know Mandy is here and I invite her in.
“I think I remember you liking your coffee black, right?” Her voice is a bit nervous so I smile.
“Yes, that’s how I like it.” I reach for the cup she is offering and stall a little, deciding that watching her make the first move is a lot more fun than me doing it. I watch as her eyes dart across the room and focus on the bathroom door.
“Is there someone in there?” I nod my head and her eyes fall to the floor.
“A friend.” I slide my arm around her waist and kiss her forehead. Her hand reaches out and touches my bare chest before trailing down to the waist of my workout shorts. She tucks her fingers just inside the band and looks back up into my eyes.
“So do you want to go finish the coffee in your room?” she asks. I imagine Leah in the shower and I know that I would rather be heading back to my room with her instead of Mandy. My body reacts to my thoughts and Mandy presses closer to me, assuming I’m interested in her.
“Let’s go.” We both know the coffee was a front, and we abandon our cups on the kitchen counter. Mandy wraps her arms around my neck and I let my hands slide down her body and grip her behind her thighs. She takes my cue and wraps her legs around me so I can carry her to my bed.
Her lips are on mine and I start down the hallway, but before I reach my room I hear the click of the bathroom lock. A steamy, half-dressed Leah emerges and I don’t even notice that I have broken the kiss with Mandy until I hear her clear her throat.
Instead of the drama that would have ensued with Jen, Mandy pulls my lips back to hers and ramps up her hold on me. She’s doing it on purpose to mark her territory and while that would normally piss me off, I think it might be for the best if Leah is disgusted with my actions and decides to stay away from me. God knows I can’t stay away from her much longer.
I push my door open and then kick it behind us with my foot, causing it to close more loudly than I intended. Mandy giggles as I throw her onto the bed and I know she thinks she has just scored some small victory. I, on the other hand, feel a bit sick about ruining my growing friendship with Leah.