EIGHTEEN
TRIPP
"H
adley, wait up!" I chase Hadley in the parking lot after school. Her shoulders visibly stiffen, but she doesn't turn around. In fact, she starts walking even faster. She keeps her head down, her hair covering her face, as she zips in and out of cars to reach hers.
"Hadley!"
I call out again, running as quickly as I can hoping to catch up to her.
She starts jogging now
, and I'm impressed with how swift she is. All around us other students glance in our direction.
If only I'd stuck up for her
. She reaches her mom's car, unlocks it and then yanks the door open. I get to her just as she slips into the car and slams the door shut. I'm out of breath, and sweat beads on my forehead. Leaning forward, I tap on the window, but Hadley just shakes her head and keeps her gaze focused out the front window.
It kills me that she's shutting me out like this. I should be the one to comfort her. Instead, I had a hand in hurting her.
When she starts the engine, its gentle roar pierces my ears. It hurts worse than the silence did. I back away from the vehicle as she slowly guides the car out of the parking space. She drives off, and I stand in the middle of the lot watching her leave. I wonder if I'll ever get through to her. I wonder if she'll ever give me the chance to make it right.
When Sonya started taunting Hadley today, I just froze. I knew what the right thing to do was, but for some reason I just couldn't do it. It was just like when my dad hit me. I wanted to stand up for myself, to fight back, but it was like an invisible force held me back. For some reason it was just easier to let it happen. Only this
time it wasn't me that got hurt, it was Hadley, and I was the only one who could've stopped it. Why didn't I?
Without pondering it further, I race to my own car and hop inside. I may not have done the right thing today, but I have to fix it. I can't keep cowering like this. I have to rise up.
Peeling out of the parking lot, I drive down the street trying to locate Hadley's car. When I can't find it, I turn the corner heading for our street. I'm just about to take another right, when I spot Hadley's car heading down a street to my left. Swerving over two lanes, I head in her direction.
I follow her from a few cars back until she parks in a lot on Sutter Street. Before I can pull in,
she gets out of her car and starts heading down the trail that leads to the water. After parking my car, I get out and head the same way.
After walking a little ways I find her sitting on a l
arge boulder under a big, bushy tree. When I was a kid, I used to walk down here to feed the ducks or splash in the water. I've always thought the lake was such a peaceful place, and today is no exception. Off in the distance ducks glide along the surface, their white feathers stark against the backdrop of blue. The wind kicks up and a few green leaves flutter toward the water. It catches them, carrying them along.
I take a deep, steadying breath
and step forward. Hadley still hasn't noticed me yet, so I inch forward quietly. She drops her head into her hands, and her shoulders shake softly. A small whimper escapes from her throat.
The sound breaks my heart.
"Hadley?"
Startled,
she lets out a tiny squeal. Then she cranes her neck to look at me. "What did you do? Follow me?" Her cheeks are wet, and she swipes at the tears with the back of her hand.
"I had to. We need to talk."
I make my way around the boulder and sit next to her.
She
scoots away. "We have nothing to talk about."
"Hadley, I'm
so sorry about what happened today."
She locks eyes with me
. "I thought you were my friend, Tripp."
"I am your friend, Hadley."
"Then why didn't you stop Sonya? You just stood there and allowed her to say those things about me." She stands, her posture angry and unforgiving. "Even after I told you about what happened freshman year, you still didn't stop it, and now it's happened again." Her lips quiver and she bites down on them. "And now everyone knows the truth."
My stomach drops. I had hoped that Sonya was lying.
"So it's true then? Dr. Summers really isn't your dad?"
"He is my dad, just not biologically. He did adopt me though."
Hadley shakes her head. "But Sonya was wrong about my mom. She does know who my dad is. He was her high school boyfriend, and when he found out she was pregnant he demanded she have an abortion. When she refused, he broke up with her, telling her he wanted nothing to do with the baby.
Me
. Soon after that Mom met Dad. He had just finished school and was starting his own practice. After I was born they moved here and got married."
I think about how much I wish I had a dad w
ho really wanted me. Someone who would be proud no matter what I was like. "Sounds like you got lucky then."
"What do you mean?" She
places a hand on her hip, challenging me.
"Y
ou have a dad who really wanted you. Not all of us can say that."
She gives me an incredulous look, and I feel like a jerk for making this about me. Groaning, Hadley
runs a hand over her head. "I used to be so proud of having a dad who really wanted me. But now Sonya has taken that away from me."
"She hasn't taken anything from you, Hadley. Not if you don't let her."
I may not be able to erase what happened, but maybe I can help her do something I never have been able to — win. "She only wins if you allow her to. If you walk into school with your head held high and don't take her crap then you win. If you cower and hide, then you let her win."
"Oh, yeah, I'm going to take advice from you because you were really brave today."
She glares at me, and I read the disappointment in her eyes. "God, Tripp, you stood there and did nothing! Nothing!"
"
I know! I know I was a coward, okay? I'm always a coward. I've gotten good at it." Angry with myself, I hop off the rock and start pacing. "I wanted to stick up for you, Hadley. I really did. It was tearing me up inside when Sonya was saying those things about you. I just didn't know how. I've never even stuck up for myself before. And I guess I just froze." I rush to Hadley, guilt eating me up inside. I bring my hands up around her face, and she doesn't pull away. "I'm not proud of it, Hadley. If I could go back in time I would do things differently. I would make it better."
"Too bad for
both of us you can't do that." She shoves me away, a look of disgust on her face.
I don't blame her. I'm disgusted with myself too.
"You know why I like you so much Hadley?"
She
shrugs.
"Everyone else has so many expectations for me. My parents
, the guys on the team, the girls at school. Everyone wants something from me. Nobody just accepts me the way I am. I feel like I always have to prove myself. God, sometimes I don't even know who I am because I'm working so hard trying to please everyone else. But with you it's different. I've always liked how you are separate from all that. I guess I have been kind of selfish with you, because I like having you all to myself. I like how I can just be myself around you, and you never have any expectations for me."
"That's where you're wrong, Tripp. I did have expectations for you. I expected you to be a good friend to me. I expected you to have my back. But now I don't have any expectations for you
at all."
"Hadley, don't do that."
I take a step toward her, panic blooming in my chest.
"I'm sorry,
but that's how I feel." She backs away from me and starts walking toward the path. Dirt kicks up in her wake.
I can't let her go like this
. Desperation strangling me, I run after her. Grabbing her arm, I spin her around. "I'll make this up to you, I promise. Tomorrow at school, you'll see. I'll fix it. I'll do what I should've done today."
"You can't fix this, Tripp. It's too late."
She yanks her arm out of my grasp. "So, don't even bother trying. Just leave me alone." Without a backward glance, she races down the path before disappearing from my sight.
NINETEEN
HADLEY
M
y alarm clock blares next to my head, its insistent beeping causing me to cringe. I roll over and turn it off with a hard smack to the off button. As I sit up, memories of yesterday crash over me, and I feel like I might puke. There's no way I can go to school and face everyone today. I picture all those eyes on me, all the whispering and pointing. It causes chills to skitter down my spine. I can't do it.
Hurrying across the hall, I slip into the bathroom. I rub my eyes until they are red, and splash warm water on my face. After practicing a few fake coughs, I head back out into the hallway. I walk slowly, my shoulders stooped. My
mom is making breakfast. Cartoons are playing in the family room, and I hear Ainsley and Adam jumping around. Keeping my head down, I groan while entering the room. Mom's head whips in my direction.
"Hadley, are you okay?" She walks toward me, concern etched on her face.
"I'm not feeling so good." I force out a few coughs.
"Oh
, no." Mom touches my forehead with the back of her hand. "You are a little warm, and kind of sweaty."
I almost laugh at that, but I need to keep looking pained.
"Why don't you go back to bed? I'll bring you something to drink in a little while." Mom ushers me out of the kitchen.
By the time I reach my room I'm so grateful Mom bought my little act. I'm sure it helped
that I hardly ever miss school and I never fake being sick, so it's not like she'd suspect that's what I'm doing. I fling myself down on my bed, burying my head in the pillow. It's not exactly a lie that I'm sick. I mean, I may not be physically sick, but I'm heart sick. And in some ways I think that's worse. Pulling my covers up to my neck, I cocoon myself in the safety of them. I close my eyes, and before I know it I'm drifting off.
Buzzing awakens me. Groggy, I peer over to my left
where my cell phone is lighting up. I snatch it up. On the screen is a text from Paige.
Paige: Where r u?
Me: At home. Sick.
Paige: Is this about yesterday?
Me: Maybe.
Paige: Want me to ditch and come over?
Faint squealing travels down the hallway. I hear Mom scold Adam.
Me: Mom's here.
Paige: OK. Call u later.
I toss the p
hone back down on my nightstand and rest my head back down on the pillow. Picturing Sonya and her friends causes nausea to crash over me. If only I could go back in time and never become friends with that backstabber. I can't believe I ever trusted her. My mind travels back to that day so many years ago when I found my adoption papers. Before then I'd always believed Dad was my real dad. But when I found those papers I knew I had to have answers. My parents were already splitting up, and once I realized I wasn't his real daughter I worried that he wouldn't even want to see me anymore.
When I confronted my parents they told me the truth. But Dad assured me that he considered me his daughter; that he loved me just as much as if I had been biologically his. Sometimes, when I go to his house and he stays trapped in his office I wonder about his feelings for me. But then I remind myself that he's always been like this. Logically I know that his behavior has nothing to do with the fact that I'm not his biological daughter, but sometimes my heart tells me something different.
Sonya's words from yesterday have gotten stuck in my mind, and all the doubts I have about my dad have resurfaced. I wish she didn't have that kind of power over me. I wish I were stronger.
The sky outside my window looks like a large black canvas with golden splatters emitting soft twinkling light, a small crescent moon in the corner. Mom, Rob and even the children are asleep. Silence surrounds me, but I'm wide awake. It probably has to do with the fact that I slept all day. Now I'm going to toss and turn all night.
Great.
Sighing, I roll over onto my back and stare up at the ceiling
.
A tapping sound catches my attention. Hair prickles on my neck, and goosebumps feather over my skin. I turn toward the sound, and the figure of a boy darkens my window. Gasping, I slap my hand over my mouth. My heart hammers in my chest, and sweat snakes down my spine. I stand up, groping the wall as I try to locate the wall switch. The streetlamp outside casts over the stranger's face, and that's when I recognize him.
Tripp.
Relief washes over me. I step forward, unlock the window and push it open.
Cool night air rushes inside. Tripp stands outside my window wearing gym shorts and t-shirt.
"What are you doing here?"
I hug myself, embarrassed for him to see me in my pajamas. I run my tongue over my teeth, grateful that I at least brushed them before going to bed, since I haven't even showered today. Reaching up, I smooth down my hair with my fingers.
"You weren't at school today," Tripp says.
"I was worried about you."
"Really? Where was all this concern for me yesterday?" I whisper, propping my elbows up on my windowsill.
"I know I screwed up yesterday, Hadley, and because of it you were hurt and humiliated. I know exactly how that feels, and it kills me that I allowed it to happen. That's why I'm here."
It reminds me of the reason he started talking to me initially
. Tripp clearly has some type of rescue complex. "Is that the reason you became friends with me in the first place? Because you felt guilty?"
Tripp bites his lip, drawing my attention to his mouth. I hate when he does that, because it always makes me think about kissing him. "At first maybe. I really did feel bad about throwing that paper in your face. But
it's like I told you yesterday, once I got to know you I really started to like you. Not out of some obligation or because I felt bad, but because of who you are."
"Yesterday you said you were friends with me because I didn't have any expectations for you." Anger resurfaces at the remembrance of his words.
Tripp sighs, resting his own elbows in the windowsill. Our heads are side by side, facing opposite directions. Even though I'm angry with him, his proximity still excites me. "I didn't mean it the way you took it, Hadley. What I meant is that you're the only person I can be myself around. I feel more comfortable with you than I do with anyone else. You seem to accept me just as I am, and I like that about you." He turns to me, catching my eye. Our faces are inclined together, and his breath mingles with mine. "It wasn't meant as a slam, Hadley. It was meant as a compliment."
I press my lips together, unsure of what to say. It's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to me, and I feel like the biggest jerk on the planet. I guess I'm just so used to people hurting me that sometimes I don't notice when they're trying to help. "I'm sorry, Tripp. I shouldn't have jumped down your throat like that."
He shrugs. "No, I deserved it. That's why I came by tonight. I figured out a way to fix things."
I cock my head to the
side, curious. Even though I'd been so angry with him before, I kind of want to hear him out now. "How?"
"Go out with me."
"What?" I sputter, backing away from the window.
Is he messing with me or what?
"Yeah, c'mon. Be my girlfriend."
"You can't be serious." I furrow my brow, trying to figure out why he's saying these bizarre things. A part of me wants so badly for it to be true, but the other part of me knows it isn't.
"Is it really that awful to think about going out with me, Hadley?" Tripp winks at me, causing my knees to soften.
"It's not that. It's just that I don't get what you're saying."
"Hadley." Tripp moves forward,
leaning inside so that his face is close to mine. My heartbeat is so frantic that I'm afraid it will wake my mom with its loud thumping. I glance around, honing in on the noises in the house to be sure everything is still silent. "It's perfect. Everyone will see that Sonya's plan didn't work, and they'll all know who I'm loyal to. C'mon. I know I messed up big time, but let me make it up to you."
My heart sinks at his words. "Tripp, you don't have to do this. I know you're sorry. I can tell. But you don't have to force yourself to go out with me to prove it."
"That's what you think? That I would have to force myself to date you?" Tripp pushes off the house with his arms, looking a little angry. "Hadley, don't you know why Sonya attacked you this week? I mean, don't you wonder why she chose now to reveal a secret that she's known for years?"
"Cause she's awful, and she was waiting for the perfect moment to strike?"
Tripp reaches out, circling his hand around my wrist. My flesh burns from his touch. "Hadley, she did it because she likes me, but she knows nothing will ever happen between us because I have feelings for someone else."
I stare at him, disbelieving. "You do?"
"I like you, Hadley. I think it's pretty obvious to everyone but you, apparently." He chuckles under his breath. "So what do you say? Go out with me?"
There they are again. Those words that I've fantasized about him saying to me for years. Only now that he's saying them I'm terrified. It was one thing when it was an impossible dream. Never in my life would I have thought it would actually come true. Tripp Bauer has a reputation of being a major player. And we've become such good friends. I'm afraid if I say yes to dating him he'll get tired of me, then we'll break up and I'll lose him for good. I don't think I'm ready for that yet.
"I don't think I can, Tripp." I lower my gaze.
"Wow. I think that's the first time a girl has turned me down."
I feel sick. "I'm sorry."
"No worries
." He lifts his hand off my arm and swipes a fingertip across my cheek. I inhale sharply. "I like a challenge. I'm not giving up on you yet, Leelee."
I gig
gle. "Oh, no. We're back to Leelee again, huh?"
"Only if you keep up with that adorable giggle."
My face burns. "Well, I guess I'll have to stop being so adorable so you'll stop saying that." My mouth almost drops open, stunned by my own statement. Did I just flirt with Tripp?
"Man, you are killing me." Tripp steps away from the window. "Challenge accepted, Hadley.
And just so you know, I never lose. Until tomorrow." With a mock bow, he whirls away. Then he disappears into the shadows, leaving me to wonder if I dreamt the whole thing.