Authors: Jaime Whitley
“So, have you given any thought on what you want to do for your birthday?”
“Yup, I want to go to Disney World.” His cheeks are spread from ear to ear, lighting up the biggest smile I have ever seen on his face.
“I wasn’t expecting that. Don’t you want to do something more … local?” I suggest.
He shakes his head, “Nope. You said wherever I want.”
“I did, didn’t I? I’ll have to talk to your mom about that, but I’ll see what I can do.”
“And Ava and Owen’s mommy,” he throws out, confusing me.
“Why do I need to talk to their mommy?”
“Because. You said anyone can come.” He’s right, I did say that.
“Where are my kids going?” Lucas questions as he walks up to the building.
“Uncle Lucas! We’re all going to Disney World for my birthday! Daddy’s taking all of us.” He’s so excited, so I don’t correct him. I fucked up big, so I’ll do anything to make it right.
“Oh, I always wanted to go to Disney for free. Count us in.” Lucas is laughing, knowing I promised Ezra anything he wanted.
“Are you sure you’re only three, buddy?” I mess up his hair with my hand.
“Kids are brilliant. Never underestimate them no matter what age they are.” Lucas pats me on the back. “Come on, let’s go kick some kid’s butt at miniature golf.”
We hit the course first and it’s a mad house. It’s so packed, it’s taking forever just to finish our first game. We were going to play two rounds, but if the kids still want to ride the bumper cars, we will have to go straight there after this. The kids keep picking up the balls as someone hits it, making us have to start over on each hole. They think it’s hysterical, and Lucas and I just keep apologizing to the young couple behind us for slowing them down. We’re finally at the last hole and Ezra is the last one to go. He hits his ball and as I’m watching it travel down and get closer to the hole, I see it’s going to go straight in, and of course Ezra isn’t even paying attention. I yell his name to grab his attention and point to the hole. His eyes light up as the ball sinks in and he starts jumping up and down with excitement. I tell him great job on the hole-in-one and he is now chanting
hole-in-one
. This is one of those moments I wish I could relive over and over. I take a picture on my phone and send it to Lilly.
Me: Ezra got a hole-in-one! It was amazing!
Lilly: I’m sad I missed it. That’s his first hole-in-one ever. Thank you for getting a picture.
Me: You’re welcome. There will be more. He’s a pro. I’ll see you later. I love you.
No response. She seems to be good at not responding lately. “Still getting the cold shoulder?” Lucas is looking over my shoulder, catching me off guard.
“Yeah, man. I don’t know how many times I can apologize in a text or in a voicemail. I feel like the same thing is being said and typed, and she doesn’t care.”
“Maybe you need to do more,” he suggests, returning the clubs to the rack.
“She won’t talk to me. What more is there for me to do?”
“You can always arrest her. She can’t run away in a jail cell,” Lucas suggests to me for the second time in regards to Lilly.
“That seems to be your answer to everything.”
“Well, she’s always running,” he shrugs his shoulders.
Our relationship is so new and intense, I can understand wanting to run sometimes. I need to find a way to make her listen to me. Arresting her and throwing her in a cell sounds a lot easier.
We ride the bumper cars and grab some snow cones before we part ways and head home. Ezra falls asleep on the ride home and I make sure not to wake him. If he’s sleeping when we still get there, I will have to carry him into the house and Lilly will have no choice but to let me in.
I pull up to the house and say a silent thank you to my son for being sound asleep. I know I’m fighting dirty, and I could easily wake him and he would go back to bed, but I’m desperate. This is the only way I’ll be able to get in the house long enough to talk to her. I shut my door quietly and walk around the car, grabbing Ezra and walking up to the front door. I ring the bell and wait for Lilly to answer the door. It swings open and I can see a look of uncertainty cross her face.
“You’re not going to make us stand out here all night, are you?
“No, come on in.” She moves aside so I can get through. I put Ezra to bed and walk over to the living room where Lilly is reading on her Kindle.
“What are you reading, anything good?” I’m trying to make conversation.
“I just finished The One Left Behind by Lena Nicole,” she answers to me, but her tone makes it seem like I’m bothering her.
“I’m surprised you’re not writing.” I chance sitting next to her hoping she doesn’t try to kick me out.
“I finished it up earlier. I’ve been tackling my TBR list.”
“TBR?” I question, not sure of what that means.
“To be read. I’m so behind on books I want to read since I’ve been writing, so I’m trying to knock a few off.”
“So what else is on the list?”
“I Won’t Give Up by F.L. Jacob, Ignite by Tessa Teevan and Throttle Me by Chelle Bliss.”
“That last one sounds
hot
. Like it would
totally benefit me
hot.” She sighs and places her Kindle on the table. Not exactly the reaction I was hoping for.
“We need to talk Silas. And before you say anything, just hear me out.” I guess our small talk is over and it’s time to get straight to the point. At least she hasn’t kicked me out, and that’s a good sign.
Chapter 31
Lilly
I wanted to ask Silas to leave as soon as he put Ezra to bed, but I can’t keep avoiding him. I need to talk to him and tell him how I feel in order for us to move forward with our lives. I’m tired of making up excuses as to why I’m not going to be home when he picks Ezra up. It’s time to stop ignoring the inevitable. He’s sitting here staring at me, waiting for me to start. I have so much I want to say that I don’t know where to begin. He clears his throat and I just jump into it before he starts to talk.
“I need to get a few things out, and once I’m done, you can say whatever you want.” I pause and he nods acknowledging my request. “It’s obvious that I’ve been avoiding you. I needed some time away from you to think about things.” I keep my body still so it looks like I’m calm on the outside. But on the inside, I’m freaking out. “I know what happened with Kristin was out of your control, and we can sit here and talk about it again, but at this point I don’t want to keep dragging up the past -- I want to move forward. I need you to know though, that your words stung and really hurt me. When you said Kristin was a thorn in my side, it made me sit here and think to myself, ‘Wow, what kind of person do you think I am?’ I would never be happy over someone losing their child.”
“I know that and--”
Holding up my finger, “You said you would let me talk, so please just let me finish.” I fold my hands and crack my knuckles and neck. It’s something I automatically do when I’m nervous and right now I don’t know if I have what it takes to say what I want to say. Then I look over my shoulder and see the picture of Ezra on the day he was born, and it gives me all the courage I need. “When I saw you at the signing, I couldn’t believe it was you standing there. I mean, what were the odds? We met under unique circumstances and I’m grateful that we did, because it gave me our son. But the bottom line is, we were never supposed to see each other again, that's what we agreed on. Then fate twisted and we did, and it was like all those feelings from that night of us being together came rushing back to the surface. Honestly, I think they never left, they were just buried deep down inside waiting to be brought to the surface.
I told you that no one ever measured up to you and that is, was, true. In a way, no one will because you’re my son’s father. If I take that out of the equation, I’d have to stop and think do I feel that way because we had one beautiful, perfect night? It’s hard to compare someone you’ve been with for more than a month to a blissful twenty-four hour night. I was delusional to think that anyone wouldn’t measure up to you. No one is perfect and spending more time with you, I see that not even you are perfect.” I’ve been trying to hold back the tears that have been blurring my vision but can’t any longer. It’s like a dam burst and water escapes, flowing at its own free will. Silas reaches his hand out and wipes the tears from my eyes. I allow him this small touch and I continue.
“I think when I’m with you, my judgment is clouded and I put myself first. Somewhere along the line of us reconnecting, I lost focus on what’s important. Erza. Ezra needs to be my main priority and I need to do what’s best for him. I want you to be a part of his life, but I can no longer let you be a part of mine.”
Silas jumps up from his seat, screaming, “What?! Do you hear yourself?” I don’t answer his question; I stay on track of what I need to get out.
“When you’re in my life, I put myself before him; so much so that when you do screw up, I’m torn. I want to be angry with you for making my baby cry and then I want to say it’s okay, because I know you’re still learning, and I love that you are trying so hard and don’t want to fight. I let my guard down with you and that’s something I’ve never done before. I need to walk away, not just for me, but for Ezra. With that said, I will be there for drops offs and pickups, but unless it involves Ezra, I don’t think there’s really anything else to discuss.” I finish my speech, and let’s face it, that’s pretty much what it was. I look at Silas. His face is red and his jaw is clenched; he is reacting the only way I expected him to. He’s pissed. We keep staring at each other and his gaze is like daggers boring into me. I look away, breaking eye contact. “I guess that’s it,” I say as I shrug my shoulders.
“That’s it?” He voice is loud as he slams his fist on the coffee table, confirming that he is, in fact, angry. He stands up off the couch and I remain seated. “So you say all that and end it with ‘that’s it.’ Do I even get a say in this? Did you ever think for even a second that I don’t want any part of what you said? I mess up two fucking times and that’s enough to give me the boot from your life? This has got to be a joke!” he yells, now pacing back and forth across the floor.
“I assure you this is no joke,” I tell him, standing my ground on the situation.
“Great, just fucking great. I find the love of my life, not once, but twice, and you just throw me out like a piece of trash. For fuck sake, Lilly, I was going to ask you to move in with me this weekend! I’ve had it planned since before all this shit went down. You can sit there and spew this shit about no one being perfect, but let me tell you something.
We
are perfect, Lilly. We make each other perfect because we belong together. Do you honestly think if we weren’t, we would have run into each other again? Out of all the places in the world we both could have lived, we ended up a town away from each other. If that’s not fate, I don’t know what is. All of this sounds like bullshit to me. Why don’t you tell me what the real problem is?”
“Bullshit or not, our relationship is taking away from you learning to be a good father,” I say, letting the main reason out.
“So, you think I’m a shitty father to our son? Unlike you, I haven’t had three years to learn how to be a parent. I’m just jumping right into it, praying to God I don’t fuck it up.”
“And that is why we can’t be together. You need to figure that out without any distractions. You can be a part of Ezra’s life, but I can’t let you be a part of mine, and I need to just walk away.” I’m hoping he will accept what I’m telling him.
“You want me to walk away. Pretend like what we have doesn’t mean anything? I did that already once, or do you not remember? I’m not going to let you push me away again. So get over whatever shit is clouding your head or scaring you off, because I will fight for you this time.” He sits next to me, taking my hands in his.
I lower my head. “That’s just it, Silas. I don’t want you to fight for me. There’s nothing to fight for.” He drops my hands from his like they are poison and I see his eyes start to water. And as much as I want to reach out and take those words back, I know I can’t. Silas gets up and walks to the door. Opening the door, still facing it, I hear him let out a curse under his breath and say, “I’ll text you and we can work out a schedule for Ezra.” He slams the door on his way out, causing me to jump in my seat.
As soon as I hear his car speed off, I pull out my phone and text Megan.
Me: It’s done.
Megan: I’m so sorry hun. Are you sure this was the right thing to do?
Me: Yes. I don’t think straight when I’m around him and I need to protect Ezra. I can’t make good decisions for him when I’m thinking about myself. I need to put Ezra first and my love life second. The fact that I was going to let Silas off the hook for his birthday because I love him shows it.
Megan: But you didn’t let him off the hook.
Me: I know and it killed me that I wanted to and had every intention to until you made me realize I couldn’t. What’s done is done. When I’m ready, someone else will come along one day and make me happy.
Megan: But will he be the one?
Me: No. I just broke the heart of the one and told him not to fight for me.
Megan: I’m on my way with beer and whiskey. Hang tight.
Throwing my phone on the couch, I give into the tears I have been trying to fight and cry over a broken heart I only have myself to blame for. I know Silas thinks my reasons aren’t good enough, but he’s hurt us too many times. I need to take a breather. I’m scared shitless of his love. It’s so consuming that when he does something wrong, it hurts too much. If anything bigger ever happened, it would crush me. So instead, I decided to get crushed on my own terms.
Chapter 32
Silas
It’s been three weeks since Lilly broke up with me. I wish I could say it’s been easy, but I’d be lying. I’ve been living in my own personal hell every day since then. I eat, sleep, and breathe Lilly, and I can’t even touch her. Every time I drop Ezra off at night, Lilly’s in her fucking pajamas, which basically consist of nothing. All I can think about is ripping what little she has on off and getting her legs wrapped around me. But that’s not going to fucking happen. She’s always standing far enough away from me that an accidental graze can’t even happen. What I wouldn’t give to feel her skin brush up against mine. I feel myself begin to harden at the thought of her and need to think of something else. Walking into a bar with a hard-on isn’t something to be proud of. I feel a pat on my back, and I turn to see Lucas and Declan standing behind me. I’m a little confused as to why Declan is here. I know he’s Lilly’s friend, but we’ve never hung out alone before.