Authors: Jaime Whitley
“Lilly.”
“Right, Lilly. I know you don’t believe in them, but don’t you think this could all just be one big coincidence?”
“No, I don’t.”
“So, what are you going to do about it?” He orders us another round while waiting for my answer.
“Nothing. I’ve tried talking to her. I even took her to lunch today, but she always runs off.”
“Want me to pull her over and arrest her?”
I stare at him and shake my head, laughing; leave it to Lucas to actually think he could pull that off. “You can’t just go around arresting people, Lucas, you know that.”
“Psh.” Lucas waves his hand, dismissing me. “I can say she fits the description of a suspect in a murder case. I’ll put her in a cell for a little while, and you can swoop in and save the day. Knight in shining armor and all that shit. She will have no choice but to talk to you then.” He has a huge goofy grin on his face. You can tell he is really proud of this idea and actually thinks it’s a good one. Sometimes I wonder about him.
“I appreciate your … er … help? But I think I can manage on my own, thanks.” I give him a pat on the back.
“Let me give you some advice.”
“Here we go, should I order us another round for this one?” I’m being half sarcastic when I say this. Sometimes he gives great advice, but other times I wonder if he is sampling the weed we confiscate at work.
“Shut up, I give great advice and you know it. Now, can I continue?” Laughing, I nod. “I’m not telling you to go cheat on Kristin; I actually like her a lot and think she’s a good fit for you. I do, however, think you should be friends with Lilly -- get to know her and see if she is the person you remember.”
“And if she is?” I don’t know why I ask. I know what his answer is going to be.
“If she is, then you need to break things off with Kristin. It’s one thing to be friends with someone, but if, or once those lines start to get blurred, you need to walk away. It’s not fair to either of them. If anything, you will make a friend out of it all.”
Ending the topic, we drink and watch the games on television. Lucas is talking about the games and I just nod when appropriate. I have so much shit going through my head right now, I can’t focus on a game. I need to work something out and soon, because I can’t have this affecting me at work. My job is way too important to me and it needs my full attention. Lucas relies on me to watch his six and I can’t do that distracted. There are plenty of officers who would kill to have a position as a detective and I’m not going to let my personal life affect that. I’m going to go back to work, do my job, and on my next day off, I’m going to talk to Lilly and see if we can be friends.
Chapter 9
Lilly
It’s been a couple of days since I ran out on my lunch with Silas. And although they’ve been peaceful, I find myself missing him. Isn’t that something? I’m back to where I was three years ago. Although I’m thankful for the busy schedule we have this week, that also means I won’t have any time to write. I’m taking Ezra to the zoo this weekend with Joe and Laura, so my writing will just have to wait. I see Joe heading in with our coffees; he places mine on my desk.
“Hey, Lil, so I never got to ask, but how was the signing?” He takes a seat at my desk.
“It was a disaster; I actually have been meaning to talk to you and Laura about it.”
“How so?” He’s rubbing the stubble on his chin. It’s something he does when he’s really interested in something. I wonder if he knows that?
I turn the phone system on before telling Joe what happened this weekend. He knows all about Silas, and I know he is going to have questions. I would rather get them out of the way now than have this dragged out. I’m so tired of talking about it, but maybe he will have some advice on how to handle the situation.
“So you took off after lunch and that was it? You haven’t seen or heard from him since?”
I lower my head to avoid his shocked stare. Instead, I focus on the paper on my desk. “Nope, nothing. I ran out without getting his contact information. How could he contact me?”
“You seem kind of disappointed about that.”
Looking back up at Joe, I let out a heavy sigh. “In a way, I am.”
“Why?” I’m a little envious of him and his ability to act like this whole situation is no big deal.
“For one, there’s Ezra. How am I supposed to keep Silas in my life and have him not find out about our son? God forbid he meets Ezra and decides parenting just isn’t for him. And what about his girlfriend? I’m not a home wrecker, and I’m scared my feelings will make me too attached and give me false hope that he will eventually leave her. This is just scratching the top of the surface of all my what-ifs.” I lean back in my chair, letting out an exasperated sigh. All of this is so stressful; I don’t know how much more my sanity can take. My hands fly up to my head, cradling it to stop the pain that will find its way to the front of my scalp. I rub my temples to calm myself. I need to slow down before I have a panic attack.
“I don’t think you should tell him about Ezra.” I stiffen in my chair; my head flips up to meet his gaze. He is serious. I’m pretty sure my mouth is hanging open right now. I’m completely shocked that Joe is suggesting this, especially with everything he and Laura have been going through trying to have kids.
“I’m not going to lie, Joe. You threw me off with that one. Don’t get me wrong, I’m telling you all of this so I can get some advice.”
Joe gets up from his chair and is standing with his shoulders back; one hand holding his coffee and the other in his pocket. “I’m not saying you have to keep it a secret forever, but I am saying Ezra is still young. And even though he is young, he is old enough to understand what’s going on. If you tell him about his dad and he walks, he will be devastated. Honestly, you’re lucky he hasn’t asked any questions yet.”
Joe walks off to his office, leaving me with those words to think about. Ezra is very smart for his age, and amazes me more and more every day. There is no doubt in my mind that he wouldn’t understand who Silas is. I can’t just think of myself though, as much as I would like to protect and keep him to myself. Ezra has a right to know who his father is. If I run into him again, I’ll give him a chance, and eventually tell him about Ezra when the time is right. Glancing over at the photo on my desk, the one of me holding Ezra only a day old, makes me remember how scared I was to do this all alone.
Sitting on the cold paper on the table, I stare at the bland walls. This office is in some need of decorating. Aren’t there supposed to be pamphlets and posters all over the walls? There isn’t even one poster of a pregnant woman on the wall. Every time I have come here for my annual exam, I have always seen those pictures, never paying them much attention. Now sitting here, I wish I did, since they are no longer in the rooms. It feels like it’s been hours since the nurse left and said the doctor would be right in. I’m about to grab my phone from my purse when there’s a knock on the door. My doctor walks in with his nurse behind him.
“Lilly, it’s a pleasure to see you again. I hear ‘congratulations’ are in order,” he says, placing his tablet down on the counter.
“Thank you, Dr. Clifton.” I’m feeling so uneasy that my nervousness breaks through my voice.
“Don’t be nervous,” he tells me, noticing my unease. “You’re a healthy young lady and should have no problems with your pregnancy. Since you’re still early, we will have to do a vaginal ultrasound. Now, just lay back on the table and inch down a little.” I lie back on the table and scoot down like I’m told. “Let’s take a look, shall we?”
As the doctor is moving the probe around, I stare at the ceiling. This isn’t the most comfortable feeling in the world and I’m not sure how long it’s going to take. He first takes measurements of the baby and prints out some pictures. Not being able to see the screen, I have no idea what he is printing. I can only hear the printer going off.
“Everything looks good with the measurements. Your size is matching to the same time as your last menstrual period, making your due date September 19th. Now let’s show you your little yolk sack” he says, turning the monitor so I can see it.
“I’m sorry, my what?” I turn my head to the screen.
“Your baby. Right now it looks like a yolk sack. It’s too early for the fetus to be developed. So you won’t see any arms or legs, or even a head. See this flutter right there?” he asks, pointing to the screen and I nod. “That is your baby’s heart beat.” He presses a couple of buttons on the ultrasound machine and the room comes to life with a pulsing sound.
“Is that noise coming from me?”
“That sound is your baby’s heart beat.”
My eyes are wet as tears stream down the side of my face. All the worry eases out of me as I hear my baby come to life right before my eyes. In this moment, I am no longer a scared, single woman, but a mother feeling the need to protect a precious gift given to her. The nurse hands me a tissue and I wipe the tears that are falling.
“Wonderful, isn’t it?” she asks, looking at me with joy.
“Yes, it’s amazing,” I manage to choke out. Suddenly, the flutter on the screen stops along with the sound of my baby’s heartbeat. “What happened? Why did the noise stop, and why isn’t his heart fluttering?” I ask, raising my back up and leaning on my arms to get a closer look. Worry and panic take over me like I’ve never felt before as I wait for his answer.
“It’s okay, Lilly, I just paused it so I can measure the beats per minute.” With a click of a button, the noise and image reappear. “I’m just going to look around some more and then we will leave you to get dressed.”
Lying back down, I release the breath I didn’t realize I was holding. My mother always says a parent never stops worrying about her child, no matter how young or old they are. Right in this moment, I now know exactly what my mom means when she says that. “So, what makes you think it’s a boy?” he asks me, breaking me of my thoughts.
“What do you mean?”
“You asked why isn’t his heart fluttering,” he reminds me.
“I guess I did, huh? I’m not sure, it just came out.” I shrug my shoulders.
“Well, they say the mother is usually right on these things. Mother’s intuitions and all,” Dr. Clifton removes the wand. “Go ahead and scoot back, we’re all done. These are for you,” he hands me pictures of my little sack. “Your next ultrasound will be between eighteen and twenty weeks and we will get to see if that intuition of yours is right. Will the father be joining you?”
“No, he’s not in the picture,” I’m avoiding eye contact, embarrassed to look at him. I don’t want my doctor to think I’m some easy lay who happened to get pregnant.
“Don't say anymore. It's not important, what's important is that you will be there and the baby of the hour will be prepared to give us a show
.”
Looking back up at Dr. Clifton, I thank him and he nods as he leaves the room. Excitement taking over me, I get dressed quickly and make my next appointment before rushing out to my car. I call Megan and my mom and ask them to meet me at my house so I can show them my pictures of my baby. I went into that office feeling scared and alone, and I’m leaving feeling anything but alone. I have an amazing little human being growing inside me and it’s my job to love and protect it.
My phone rings and I’m brought back to reality.
“Mr. Mazzola’s office.”
“Hello, Miss Lilly Hughes, please.” I freeze as I hear the man’s voice and immediately recognize it. My stomach flips the moment I hear his voice and my breath quickens as my anxiety kicks in.
“This is Lilly.” My only coherent thought is how the hell Silas got my number.
“Hey Lilly, it’s Silas.”
“I know, I could tell by your voice.” Shutting my eyes, I take a deep breath. I’m a little surprised that he’s calling me, but I have an idea as to why he is. He told me when I ran out on our lunch date that he didn’t want to pretend like we don’t know each other. Before I make more assumptions, I ask him, “How did you know where I work?”
“I would be a lousy detective if I couldn’t track down where you work. Don’t you think?”
“Right, so what can I do for you? I’m assuming you didn’t call to talk to Joe.”
“You would be right on that one. Listen, I want to return the money that you left on the table at the diner. I invited you to lunch and will not take your money for it. I could have mailed it to you, but I want to be friends, Lilly. I don’t want to have to act like I don’t know you. If I see you walking down the street, I want to walk with you. I know how we met wasn’t ideal, but can we at least try to be friends?”
Friends, there’s that pesky
f word
. I’m immediately saddened when he puts me in the friend zone. I know I’ve basically asked for it when I said we should act like we don’t know each other, but friends? Those words are like a kick to my gut. He basically sat there and told me no one ever measured up to me. Naturally, I’m having a hard time wrapping my head around this. Why would you want to be friends with someone you yearn for but can’t even touch? Every time I’m around him it’s pure torture. Disappointment is starting to sink in when I realize maybe it’s only torture for me. A sharp pain shoots in my stomach and I cover it with my hand. All this stress is doing such a number on my stomach that I stocked up on Tums. I reach in my drawer, pop one in my mouth and sit back in my chair.
“Are you still there?” Shit. I completely spaced out.
“Okay, friends it is,” I say, thinking of Ezra and how he deserves to know his father. I know I need to make an effort. If Silas never walked back into my life, it would be one thing. But he’s here and I should give him a chance to be a father. I owe it to my son.
“Great, then take down my number and maybe we can meet for lunch or dinner this week,” I can hear the relief in his voice, and I wish I could feel the way he sounds.