Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (18 page)

Some unusual epitaphs and tombstones from the U.S. and Europe, sent in by our crew of wandering BRI tombstonologists.

In Arizona:
Ezikel Height

Here lies young Ezikel Height

Died from jumping Jim Smith's claim;

Didn't happen at the mining site,

The claim he jumped, was Jim Smith's dame.

In England:
Mike O'Day

This is the grave of Mike O'Day

Who died maintaining his right of way.

His right was clear, his will was strong.

But he's just as dead as if he'd been wrong.

In Guilford, Vermont:
Henry Clay Barney

My life's been hard

And all things show it;

I always thought so

And now I know it.

In Georgia:
Anonymous

Due to lack of ground in this cemetery,

Two bodies are buried in this one plot.

One of them was a politician,

The other was an honest man.

In England:
Emily White

Here lies the body of Emily White,

She signalled left, and then turned right.

In Vermont:
John Barnes

Sacred to the memory of my husband John Barnes

Who died January 3, 1803

His comely young widow, aged 23,

Has many qualifications of a good wife,

And yearns to be comforted.

In England:
Anonymous

It is so soon that I am done for,

I wonder what I was begun for.

In England:
Anonymous

Stop stranger as you pass by

As you are now so once was I

As I am now so will you be

So be prepared to follow me.

In Vermont:
Anonymous

Here lies our darling baby boy

He never cries nor hollers.

He lived for one and twenty days

And cost us forty dollars.

In Pawtucket, Rhode Island (on a boulder):
William P. Rothwell

This is on me.

It took dozens of tries and more than a century—not to mention a lot of scraped knees and broken bones—to develop the bicycle. Here's the story.

Humanity has had the wheel for thousands of years, but not until about 200 years ago were people able to use the wheel to get around without the aid of a horse or some other animal.

Exactly when and where the idea for the bicycle originated is unknown. Some historians claim that images of crude machines resembling bikes appeared on the walls of Egyptian tombs. Others argue that the ancient Romans had them in the city of Pompeii. There is even a drawing of a machine that resembles a modern bicycle in
Codex Atlanticus
, a collection of Leonardo da Vinci's mechanical drawings from 1493, but whether or not Da Vinci drew it is heavily disputed (many argue it was forged by the monks who were restoring the drawings in the 1970s). So for all intents and purposes, the history of the bicycle doesn't begin until very recently: the turn of the 19th century.

The first known bike was based on a toy. In 1790 in Versailles, France, the Comte Mede de Sivrac built an adult-sized version of a child's hobbyhorse. He called it the
velocifere
, Latin for “fast” and “carry.” Judith Crown and Glenn Coleman describe it in their book
No Hands
:

It must have been a delightfully silly sight: two wood wheels joined by a stub of beam, saddled and shaped to resemble a horse, with de Sivrac running wildly astride it until the thing rolled fast enough to coast a few yards. Fashionable aristocrats soon were huffing across the royal gardens on their own velociferes—some machines outfitted as horses, others as lions or serpents—lifting their legs gleefully as they spun past amused pedestrians.

As much fun as the velocifere may have been, it was equally dangerous.
It lacked two important features—steering and brakes. Riders and unsuspecting pedestrians were injured so often that the craze soon fizzled out and wouldn't be tried again for almost 30 years.

A German man named Baron Karl von Drais de Saverbrun wasn't fond of horses, finding them stubborn and moody, difficult to groom and saddle, and constantly leaving piles in their wake. Unfortunately, his job required that he ride one. He was the “master of forests,” a land surveyor for the wealthy duke of Baden's very large estate. Von Drais needed some way to travel short distances without a horse.

In 1817, using the velocifere for inspiration, von Drais invented a new machine. It looked sort of like a modern bike but operated more like something out of the
Flintstones
: it had no pedals, so it required “foot power” to move it along. Von Drais's machine was constructed entirely out of wood, weighed about 50 pounds, and was steered by handlebars connected to the front wheel. The rider leaned forward on a belly brace—a cushioned piece of wood that rested beneath the handlebars—and pushed off with his feet. By leaning forward, the rider could coast along at speeds of up to 10 mph. Von Drais called it the
Laufsmachine
, or “walking machine,” but most people referred to it as the
draisienne
.

Von Drais sold several of his machines to the French postal service. They were praised at first, but complaints of injuries soon started coming in. Although draisiennes rode well on the smooth fields that surrounded Duke of Baden's property, they were no match for the potholes, hills, and harsh weather that the postal carriers often encountered—not to mention the fact that the rider's feet were the closest thing the draisienne had to brakes. But despite its shortcomings, the draisienne got people excited about the possibilities of self-propelled machine travel.

Working around the same time as von Drais, an English coach maker named Denis Johnson came up with a better solution. He created the “hobby horse,” a version of the draisienne made out of wrought iron instead of wood. Like the draisienne, his machine lacked pedals, but the durable iron body was a vast improvement
over wood and made for a much smoother ride. Johnson sold some “hobby horses” to wealthy Londoners, but creating them was so expensive, time consuming, and unprofitable that he soon stopped production.

Sometimes necessity is the mother of invention; at other times, boredom is. In 1839 a Scottish blacksmith named Kirkpatrick MacMillan changed transportation forever when he decided to pass the hours of a slow day away by tinkering with an old “hobby horse.” He pondered the idea of attaching iron rods and foot pedals to the rear wheel. That way, he figured, riders could move the machine without having to push their feet against the ground. Rather, the rods and the pedals would crank the rear wheel and create motion, much like the locomotive, another recent invention. MacMillan built a prototype, gave it a ride, and lo and behold, it worked!

Being a natural showman, MacMillan amazed townspeople by riding his contraption at top speeds through the streets. But instead of being revered as a great invention, his new “hobby horse” was viewed as a dangerous menace. MacMillan could often be seen crashing into trees and flying over the handlebars. His escapades were put to an abrupt end when he was arrested for knocking down a small child in 1842 (the first known cyclist-related offense).

Although he never really marketed his invention and died before it caught on with the masses, many regard MacMillan as the father of the modern bicycle. A plaque is displayed at the site of his blacksmith shop which reads: “Kirkpatrick MacMillan: He builded better than he knew.”

Round and round and round she goes. For Part II of the story, just follow your nose…to page 286
.

Ever since Uncle John saw
Jaws,
he's been afraid of the ocean. This list of shark facts didn't help.

• Sharks can detect the heartbeats of other fish.

• Mako sharks have been known to jump into the very fishing boats that are pursuing them.

• Bull sharks have been known to kill hippopotamuses in African rivers.

• Approximately 10 times more men than women are attacked by sharks.

• While in a feeding frenzy, some sharks bite their own bodies as they twist and turn.

• A 730-pound mako shark caught off Bimini in the Bahamas contained in its stomach a 120-pound swordfish—with the sword still intact.

• Lemon sharks grow a whole new set of teeth every two weeks.

• Sharks have a sixth sense. They can navigate by sensing changes in the Earth's magnetic field.

• Sharks will continue to attack even when disemboweled.

• Greenland sharks have been observed eating reindeer when they fall through ice.

• Three men who spent five days adrift in the Atlantic in 1980 had a shark to thank for their rescue. They fell asleep, but when the attacking shark nudged their raft, they woke up…in time to flag down a passing freighter.

• Some sharks can detect one part of blood in 100 million parts of water.

• Bull sharks have been known to pursue their victims onto land.

• The jaws of an eight-foot shark exert a force of 20 tons per square inch.

• The average shark can swallow anything half its size in one gulp.

• The original idea for steak knives derived from shark teeth.

• Approximately 100 shark attacks on humans occur worldwide each year.

Every TV show wants one, but few achieve it: a catchphrase. The best ones not only propel their show into the limelight, but eventually take on a life of their own, sometimes getting into the dictionary, sometimes even electing a president.

C
atchphrase:
“D'oh!”

From:
The Simpsons
(1989–)

Here's the Story:
Dan Castellaneta, the voice of Homer Simpson, came up with Homer's signature line himself. “It was written into the script as a ‘frustrated grunt,'” he explains, “And I thought of that old Laurel and Hardy character who had a grunt like ‘D'owww.' Matt Groening (
Simpsons
creator) said ‘Great, but shorten it.' …No one thought it would become a catchphrase.” But it did—in a big way. The sitcom is seen by more than 60 million people in more than 60 countries. In 2001, “D'oh!” earned a spot in the
Oxford English Dictionary
.

Catchphrase:
“Holy _______, Batman!”

From:
Batman
(1966–68)

Here's the Story:
Uttered by Robin (Burt Ward) whenever he was dumbfounded, this silly phrase helped make the show a hit… and also led to its demise. During the first season, which aired two nights a week,
Batman
was fresh. ABC quickly realized that one of the things viewers loved was Robin's quirky line, so they milked it for all it was worth. But by the end of the second season, the plots were all recycled and the “Holy whatever, Batman!” had lost its impact. It didn't do much for Burt Ward's career either; he was never able to get past the Boy Wonder image.