Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (19 page)

In the 1995 film
Batman Forever,
Chris O'Donnell's Robin gave a nod to this famous catchphrase in the following exchange with Val Kilmer's Batman: “Holy rusted metal, Batman!” exclaims Robin. “Huh?” asks Batman. “The island,” explains Robin, “it's made out of rusted metal…and holey…you know.” “Oh,” says Batman dryly.

Catchphrase:
“What'chu talkin' ‘bout, Willis?”

From:
Diff'rent Strokes
(1978–86)

Here's the Story:
Gary Coleman's snub-nosed delivery helped keep
Diff'rent Strokes
going for eight years. After the show's demise, the struggling Coleman began to use it at public appearances and in TV cameos to help keep his career afloat. But in recent years he's grown so sick of the line—and the TV business in general—that he's vowed never to say it again.

Catchphrase:
“Sock it to me!”

From:
Laugh-In
(1968–73)

Here's the Story:
The phrase came from pop music (Aretha Franklin's
Respect
). But the popular variety show
Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In
turned it into a mindless slapstick sketch…and repeated it week after week. Here's how it worked: An unsuspecting person (usually Judy Carne) would be tricked into saying “Sock it to me!” Then he or she was either hit by pies, drenched with water, or dropped through a trap door. Viewers loved it; they knew what was coming every time, and they still loved it. It quickly became an “in” thing to get socked.

This catchphrase was more than popular—it may have altered history: On September 16, 1968, presidential candidate Richard Nixon appeared on the show. He was set up in the standard fashion but surprised everyone by changing the command into a question: “Sock it to
ME
?” It did wonders for Nixon's staid, humorless image, and may have helped propel him into the Oval Office.

Catchphrase:
“Beam me up, Scotty.”

From:
Star Trek
(1966–69)

Here's the Story:
Although Captain Kirk (William Shatner) never actually said this exact phrase (the closest he came was on the
Star Trek
animated series: “Beam
us
up, Scotty”), it has somehow been transported everywhere—feature films, advertisements, and even bumper stickers (“Beam me up, Scotty—there's no intelligent life down here.”) Sometimes it even finds its way into the news: when 39 members of the Heaven's Gate cult committed suicide in 1997, expecting to leave their bodies and join with a spaceship, the press dubbed them the “Beam Me Up Scotty” cult.

In 1990 the Italian police started rounding up underworld leaders all over Italy. But once the men were gone, the women took over… and proved that queenpins can be just as ruthless as kingpins.

A
LL IN THE FAMILY.
In June 1999, police in Sicily arrested Concetta Scalisi, the Godmother of an area known as the “Triangle of Death.” She had ruled over her crime family's dealings in heroin, extortion, and violence in three towns on Mount Etna in Sicily after the death of her father. She was personally wanted for three murders.

SHE'LL NEVER CHANGE HER SPOTS.
In December 2000, police arrested Erminia Giuliano, of the Camorra, Naples' version of La Cosa Nostra. “The Godmother” had inherited the job when the last of her five brothers was arrested. Police claim she had ruthlessly and casually ordered numerous executions of rivals, and was ranked one of Italy's 30 most dangerous criminals. When arrested, the 45-year-old made a special request of the police—she wanted to go to the hairdresser and be allowed to wear a leopard-skin outfit to prison.

MOB BOSS MADAM.
Erminia Guiliano's rival in Naples was Maria Licciardi, who took over her family after her husband's arrest. She built the family's business by forging alliances with several other Camorra clans and by adding prostitution—regarded by old-school Mafia as an “immoral” business—to heroin trade and extortion. The alliances eventually broke down and between 1997 and 1998 she dragged her family through gang wars that killed more than 100 people. She was arrested on June 14, 2001.

BAD HAIR DAY.
On May 5, 2002, there was an argument in a Naples hair salon between Clarissa Cava and Alba Graziano. The Cavas and the Grazianos had been bloody rivals for 30 years. Several days later, Graziano and her two daughters, aged 21 and 22, drove up to the car occupied by Cava, 21, her two aunts and and her sister—and machine-gunned them. Cava and her two aunts were killed. The Graziano's were later heard laughing and toasting the killings on police surveillance tapes.

Why do writers write? These quotes from famous authors may provide some answers.

“I write for the same reason I breathe—because if I didn't, I would die.”

—Isaac Asimov

“The good writing of any age has always been the product of
someone's
neurosis, and we'd have mighty dull literature if all the writers that came along were a bunch of happy chuckleheads.”

—William Styron

“My first rule is, if it sounds like writing, rewrite it. Another rule is to try to leave out the parts people skip. Oh, and never start with the weather. With those rules you can go all the way.”

—Elmore Leonard

“Contrary to what you might think, a career in letters is not without its drawbacks—chief among them the unpleasant fact that one is frequently called upon to sit down and write.”

—Fran Lebowitz

“I'm so sick of Nancy Drew I could vomit.”

—Mildred Benson,
author of 23 Nancy Drew novels

“You don't write because you want to say something; you write because you've got something to say.”

—F. Scott Fitzgerald

“The best time for planning a book is when you're doing the dishes.”

—Agatha Christie

“People want to know why I do this, why I write such gross stuff. I like to tell them that I have the heart of a small boy…and I keep it in a jar on my desk.”

—Stephen King

“I don't want to sound commercial, but I'm in it for the money, not the awards. This is my job; it's how I feed my family. What do I care if someone reads my books a hundred years from now? I'll be dead.”

—Tom Clancy

“We write to taste life twice.”

—Anais Nin

“There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.”

—W. Somerset Maugham

We tend to believe what science tells us about history… until science tells us something else. Here are some new findings that may change the history books, for now.

T
he Event:
The Black Death, which wiped out about a third of the population of Europe in the mid-1300s

What the History Books Say:
The Black Death was caused by an outbreak of bubonic plague, spread by rats.

New Theory:
Dr. James Wood, professor of anthropology at Penn State University, believes historians have been too quick to attribute the Black Death to bubonic plague. Wood and his team of researchers are using computer analysis of church records and other documents to map out how the plague spread across Europe, and they say that if the epidemic really had been caused by bubonic plague, it would have spread differently than this one apparently did.

Rat-borne bubonic plague has to reach epidemic levels in the rat population before it can cause an epidemic in humans, Wood says. The Black Death seems to have spread faster among humans than it could possibly have spread among rats. And there's little evidence of a rat epidemic in the historical record. “There are no reports of dead rats in the streets in the 1300s,” he says.

Also, symptoms of bubonic plague are stark and unmistakable: high fever, bad breath, body odor, coughing, and vomiting of blood, followed by swollen lymph nodes and red bruising on the skin that turns purple and then black. Yet, Wood says, 14th-century descriptions of the Black Death are vague. They're “usually too non-specific to be a reliable basis for diagnosis,” he says.

In-Conclusion:
So what does Dr. Wood think really caused the Black Death? Ebola? A now-extinct strain of bubonic plague that behaves differently than the more modern strains we're familiar with? Stay tuned—according to news reports, Dr. Wood is still in the early stages of his research and “is not ready to suggest an alternative disease.”

It might surprise you to learn that some of your favorite movies were changed from the originals to “improve” them. Did it work? Here are a few examples. You be the judge.

Original Ending:
More in line with the dark and deceitful nature of the characters, Otto (Kevin Kline) gets killed by the steamroller. And Wanda (Jamie Lee Curtis) ditches Archie (John Cleese) at the airport, keeping all of the stolen jewels for herself.

But Wait:
Test audiences didn't approve. Two more endings were filmed before viewers were satisfied—Otto lives, and Wanda and Archie go to South America together. The result:
A Fish Called Wanda
was a box-office smash, bringing in nearly $200 million.

Original Ending:
Director Ridley Scott's original existential ending confused test audiences, leaving many questions unanswered, most notably Deckard's (Harrison Ford) identity. Was he a replicant or not?

But Wait:
Warner Bros. had invested a lot in the film and ordered Scott to “fix it.” Reluctantly, he added narration by Ford and filmed a more typically violent Hollywood ending in which Deckard is indeed a replicant. Ten years later, in one of the first “director's cut” videos, Scott restored the film to his original vision. Which one is better? Both are available, so you can decide for yourself.

Original Ending:
Hollywood is notorious for altering novels but it outdid itself with this one. In Nathaniel Hawthorne's classic tale, Hester Prynne is judged an adulteress and sentenced to wear the letter “A” for the remainder of her days. After her secret lover confesses to the people, he dies in Hester's arms—an ending that echoed the sentiment of the times.

But Wait:
Demi Moore's Hester is a bit more “modern”—she gets revenge on her oppressors and the reunited family lives happily ever after. Defending the new ending, Moore attested that “not many people have read the book anyway.” Even fewer people saw the movie.

Original Ending:
Dan (Michael Douglas) is charged with murder as we hear a voice-over of Alex's (Glenn Close) suicidal confession. Test audiences yawned their disapproval.

But Wait:
Months after filming was completed, the cast was called back to film the more climactic ending in which Dan's wife (Anne Archer) murders Alex in the bathtub.

Original Ending:
Paul Newman's and Robert Redford's characters are shot by soldiers in a gruesome death scene.

But Wait:
The version released to the public ends with a freeze-frame of the two stars making their final charge, thereby immortalizing them instead of killing them.

Original Ending:
Similar to
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid
, Geena Davis and Susan Sarandon's car falls all the way to the canyon floor, presumably smashing them to bits.

But Wait:
Fearing a negative reaction to killing off the film's stars, the theatrical release shows their car sailing off the cliff, but leaves their fates up in the air, so to speak. The DVD includes the alternate ending.