Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (3 page)

“Oh My God, They Killed Kenny!”

Live From NY, It's Saturday Night Live

SNL Part II: On the Air

SNL Part III: Eddie

SNL Part IV: “Well Isn't That Special”

SNL Part V: Spartans Rule!

ANSWERS

Brain Teasers

What Am I?

Granny Quiz

H
ere we go again. Can it be a year since we've put out a
Bathroom Reader
? Wait a minute, let me look at the calender. Yes, it's time for a new edition. Every year we think we'll never be able to do another book, and every year we do.

This is our 15th year and, if I do say so myself, we've outdone ourselves. Is that immodest of me? Perhaps, but I can't help it—I think this is a great book. I've asked everyone here at the Bathroom Readers' Institute and they agree: it is immodest of me.

If this is your first
Bathroom Reade
r, welcome to our family. If you're one of our loyal readers, it's good to have you back. You're the reason we keep writing these books. Of course, we love researching and writing—it gives us an excuse to keep learning about, say, shrunken heads (page 291)—but knowing you're out there, loving what we do, is the real payoff for us. How do we know you're out there? We get enthusiastic letters of support every day. Thanks… keep 'em coming and let us know what you'd like to see us write about.

Speaking of that, this year we've included a bunch of articles our readers have been asking for: the Origin of Video Games, the History of Professional Wrestling, and stories of the Stanley Cup to mention a few. And here are some more great ones you'll find in the book: Number Two's Wild Ride (that's from John D),
Saturday Night Live
(that's by Jay), The Opossum (Little Thom), Death of a Princess (from Jim) and the San Francisco Earthquake (by Janet).

Some notes:

• First of all, this book wouldn't be possible without the gargantuan efforts of the BRI team (thank you Jennifer, thank you Jeff, thank you Jay, Julia, John, and Thom—great job, everybody).

• There are a few articles which may look familiar to BRI stalwarts. We've revisited a couple of topics from previous
Bathroom Readers
; expanding on what we wrote about eleven or twelve (or thirteen) years ago. We are not repeating ourselves. We are not repeating ourselves.

• Joyous news! We just had a baby…book. It's
Uncle John's Bathroom Reader For Kids Only
(shameless plug). Over the years we've gotten so many letters from young readers that we decided to do a book just for them.

• A special thanks to Terry Budden. We put out the word that we were looking for articles by any BRI members who were “experts.” Beyond our expectations, Terry sent us a great article he wrote about the town of Gander, Newfoundland. Are you an expert on something? Let us know at
www.bathroomreader.com
(second shameless plug).

Well, that's all for now. The book's done (we always write the introduction last), it will soon be off to the printer and we're all ready for hibernation (translation: we're taking the weekend off). See you next year.

And as always, remember,

Go with the Flow!

Uncle John and the BRI Staff

 

 

 

 

P. S. Did we mention our website:
www.bathroomreader.com
?

It's always fascinating to find out where the architects of pop culture get their ideas from. These may surprise you.

V
ULCAN HAND SALUTE.
Leonard Nimoy invented this for Mr. Spock during the filming of a
Star Trek
episode. The gesture was borrowed from the Jewish High Holiday services. The Kohanim (priests) bless the congregation by extending “the palms of both hands…with thumbs outstretched and the middle and ring fingers parted.” Nimoy used the same gesture for Spock, only with one hand.

SNOOPY.
Based on the black-and-white dog that Peanuts creator Charles Schulz owned when he was 13 years old. The real dog's name was Spike, which Schulz used as the name of Snoopy's brother.

SAVING PRIVATE RYAN.
Steven Spielberg's WWII drama was inspired by a real-life story: A few weeks after D-Day, Sergeant Fritz Niland learned that his three older brothers had been killed in action. Army policy states that no family should suffer the loss of more than two sons, so, over Niland's protests, he was sent home.

ANIMAL (the Muppets' drummer).
Apparently Jim Henson was a rock 'n' roll fan. He based the out-of-control drummer on another out-of-control drummer: The Who's Keith Moon.

COSMO KRAMER.
While Larry David and Jerry Seinfeld were laying the groundwork for
Seinfeld
, David's eccentric neighbor, Kenny Kramer, would often pop in and bug them. Just like his TV counterpart, Kramer had no real job but dabbled in schemes and inventions (he patented glow-in-the-dark jewelry). “Unlike the TV Kramer,” says Kenny, “my hairbrained schemes work.”

DR. EVIL.
Mike Myers's inspiration for Austin Powers's archenemy comes from the James Bond villain, Blofeld, in
You Only Live Twice
. But Dr. Evil's famous mannerism comes from a 1979 photograph of Rolling Stones guitarist Keith Richards. It shows the rocker “in the exact pinky-biting pose favored by Dr. Evil.”

The verdict is in! Court transcripts make some of the best bathroom reading there is. These were actually said, word for word, in a court of law.

Judge:
I know you, don't I?

Defendant:
Uh, yes.

Judge:
Alright, how do I know you?

Defendant:
Judge, do I have to tell you?

Judge:
Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.

Defendant:
Okay. I was your bookie.

Lawyer:
How do you feel about defense attorneys?

Juror:
I think they should all be drowned at birth.

Lawyer:
Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror:
That's not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at birth, too.

Judge:
Please identify yourself for the record.

Defendant:
Colonel Ebenezer Jackson.

Judge:
What does the “Colonel” stand for?

Defendant:
Well, it's kinda like the “Honorable” in front of your name—not a damn thing.

Judge:
You are charged with habitual drunkenness. Have you anything to say in your defense?

Defendant:
Habitual thirstiness?

Plaintiff's Lawyer:
What doctor treated you for the injuries you sustained while at work?

Plaintiff:
Dr. J.

Plaintiff's Lawyer:
And what kind of physician is Dr. J?

Plaintiff:
Well, I'm not sure, but I remember that you said he was a good plaintiff's doctor.

Q:
Do you have any children or anything of that kind?

Q:
Do you have any suggestions as to what prevented this from being a murder trial instead of an attempted-murder trial?

A:
The victim lived.

Q:
You don't know what it was, and you didn't know what it looked like, but can you describe it?

Defendant:
If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?

Judge:
I'd hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in jail.

Defendant:
What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?

Judge:
I can't do anything about that. There's no law against thinking.

Defendant:
In that case, I think you're a son of a bitch.

Hailstones are formed when ice crystals in a thunderhead are tossed around, gathering successive coats of ice. But people can get caught in thunderheads, too.

In 1959 Lt. Col. William Rankin bailed out of his single-engine plane when the engine failed at 47,000 feet above Virginia. A storm was in progress, and he fell right through the middle of it. It would normally take a man 13 minutes to fall 47,000 feet, but Rankin got caught in the updrafts and remained aloft for 45 minutes. He tumbled about in –70° temperatures, covered with ice and sleet, his body bruised by hailstones. Fortunately, his parachute opened at 10,000 feet and he landed intact in a tree in North Carolina, 65 miles from where he'd bailed out. He made a complete recovery.

In 1930 a German glider society held an exhibition. Five glider pilots flew into a towering thunderhead hoping to set new altitude records by using the updrafts. But the updrafts were more than they had counted on—the gliders were torn to pieces by the violent winds. The pilots bailed out but were carried to the upper regions of the cloud, where they were coated by ice. All but one froze to death before finally falling to the ground.

In 1975 Mike Mount jumped from a plane 4,500 feet over Maryland, expecting a two-minute fall to Earth. Although thunderstorms were building, Mount had over 400 jumps under his belt and thought he could steer himself through the clouds. He couldn't. He was sucked into the storm and pulled up to 10,000 feet. The storm swept him up and dropped him again and again. He debated whether to cut himself free of his main chute and freefall through the storm, relying on his reserve chute to save him. But he wasn't sure he'd be able to see the ground approaching. Finally the storm released its grip and he landed, cold but unharmed, nine miles from his intended drop zone. His wild ride had lasted 30 minutes.

Some people collect coins; Uncle John collects trivia about coins.

Abraham Lincoln was the first president to be depicted on a U.S. coin, a penny issued in 1909. The penny is the only U.S. coin where the person faces right instead of left.

Why was the Lincoln penny issued beginning in 1909?To commemorate the 100th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln's birth.

When the Citizens Bank of Tenino, Washington, closed on December 5, 1931, the town was without ready cash to do business, so denominations of 25 cents, 50 cents, and $1 were printed on threeply Sitka spruce wood, the first wooden money issued as legal tender in the U.S.

Spanish doubloons were legal tender in the United States until 1857.

Until 1965, pennies were legal tender only up to 25 cents. A creditor couldn't be forced to accept more than 25 pennies in payment of a debt. Silver coins were legal tender for amounts not exceeding $10 in any one payment.

The 1921 Alabama Centennial half-dollar was the first U.S. coin designed by a woman, Laura Gardin Fraser.

During World War II, the United States minted pennies made of steel to conserve copper for making artillery shells.

Booker T. Washington was the first African American to be depicted on a U.S. coin, a half-dollar issued in 1946.

Codfish were depicted on many of the early coins of the infant United States from 1776 to 1778.

The first U.S. cent, which was the size of today's 50-cent piece, was coined in 1793. In 1856 the Mint produced the first penny of today's size.

In 1932 Congress issued a commemorative coin—the Washington quarter—to celebrate the 200th birthday of George Washington. The quarter was intended to be used for only one year, but it was so popular that it was continued as a regular-issue coin from 1934 on.

Everyone enjoys reading about someone else's blunders. So go ahead and feel superior for a few minutes.

“Lyn Thomas was working on a home-improvement project when he cut through a gas main, requiring the entire street to be evacuated. Moments after the gas engineers left, he went back to work…and promptly broke a water main, flooding his and his neighbor's properties.”