Read Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers' Institute
Bill Murray and Gilda Radner, who dated on and off during
SNL
's previous years, now couldn't stand each other. In fact, Murray couldn't stand anything about the showâthe writers, the cast, his partsâand spent most of his time launching tirades. Laraine Newman and Garrett Morris were both battling depression, drug addictions, and the realization that Hollywood didn't want them. Lorne Michaels was also exhausted, and when contract negotiations broke down for a sixth season, he quit.
Things looked bad for
Saturday Night Live.
Could it get worse? Turn to page 309 for Part III of the story
.
The footprints on the moon will last forever⦠or until a meteor hits them
.
Random comic quips from some of today's best comedians
.
“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.”
âRita Rudner
“I celebrated last Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”
âJon Stewart
“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”
âSteven Wright
“I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike I have a rear-view mirror.”
âRichard Lewis
“The guy who invented the hokey-pokey just died. It was a weird funeral. First, they put his left leg in⦔
âIrv Gilman
“Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.”
âDaniel Lybra
“I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated that job because when they fired me, I still had to show up at work the next day.”
âWally Wong
“When I was a kid, I couldn't wait for the first snowfall. I would run to the door and yell, âLet me in! Let me in!'”
âEmo Philips
“Doesn't Prince Charles look like somebody kissed a frog, and it hasn't changed all the way?”
âWendy Liebman
“Dogs hate it when you blow in their face. I'll tell you who really hates that, my grandmother. Which is odd, because when we're driving she loves to hang her head out the window.”
âEllen DeGeneres
“During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement⦠and wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over.”
âJames Leemer
Q: Who is Africa's largest private-sector employer? A: Coca-Cola
.
It's a game of virtual cat and mouse: smart alecks put crazy items up for auction on eBay and eBay pulls them off the site. Here are a few of our favorites. (The winning bids are at the end.)
I
TEM:
A date
DESCRIPTION:
“With our co-worker Brady!!! He drives a Miata!!!”
OPENING BID:
50¢
ITEM:
Frog purse, made from a real frog
DESCRIPTION:
“Be the first person on your block to own a coin purse made out of most of a frog. Rest assured, you'll never be asked for spare change again.”
OPENING BID:
$1
ITEM:
A picture of my butt
DESCRIPTION:
“I'm a sexy guy from Florida, you know you want this, you pay shipping if out of USA.”
OPENING BID:
75¢
ITEM:
The right to legally represent a plaintiff in a lawsuit over a piece of “tainted” string cheese
DESCRIPTION:
“A strand of hair is completely embedded in the cheese cylinder.”
OPENING BID:
$500
ITEM:
One pound real Arkansas Civil War dirt
DESCRIPTION:
“100% guaranteed to be from the Civil War era. Comes with certificate of authenticity if desired.”
OPENING BID:
$1
ITEM:
“Stuff I found in my couch about an hour ago”
DESCRIPTION:
Includes one pack of Big Red gum, one machine-threaded screw, 80¢ in change, two rubber bandsâ“one needs a little restoration.”
OPENING BID:
80¢
Human kangaroo: Australian athlete Tom Morris once skipped from Melbourne to Sydney, covering 1,264 miles in 28 days
ITEM:
The sun
DESCRIPTION:
“Own your very own ball of incredibly hot gas! Payment in cash only. Buyer collects.”
OPENING BID:
$10 million
ITEM:
Pocket lint
DESCRIPTION:
“Trust me, you don't want this.”
OPENING BID:
$12
ITEM:
“Put a tattoo on my forehead for one year”
DESCRIPTION:
“You must be asking why I would allow someone to tattoo my forehead. My wife and I would like to pay off our car and other bills, plus have enough money left over so I could attend school.”
OPENING BID:
$33,200
ITEM:
Bridal wedding gown
DESCRIPTION:
“Very soiled and spotted.”
OPENING BID:
99¢
ITEM:
“Semi-new” teriyaki vegetables and rice snack
DESCRIPTION:
“M'mm. After I finished preparing the snack I realized I wasn't so hungry anymore.”
OPENING BID:
25¢
ITEM:
WWII novelty Hitler pincushion
DESCRIPTION:
“Stick the pins in his butt. A great collectible!”
OPENING BID:
$1
ITEM:
Francis D. Cornworth's virginity
DESCRIPTION:
“I figured with the latest eBay craze, I'd see exactly how much I could get for my virginity. I live in Miami, FL. If you live in Florida, I could probably meet you halfway up to Orlando. Otherwise you'll have to arrange to meet me.”
OPENING BID:
$10
ITEM:
“My conscience”
DESCRIPTION:
“I'm selling it, 'cause I don't want or need it.”
OPENING BID:
$5
ITEM:
Melissa's boogerâfresh from the pickin'!
DESCRIPTION:
“Comes straight from the nostril to your home in less than two days. Free shipping.”
OPENING BID:
1¢
ITEM:
Muhammad Ali's broken-jaw X-ray
DESCRIPTION:
“Used to determine the extent of his injuries following his bout with Ken Norton.”
OPENING BID:
$9.99
ITEM:
Set of 50 “antique” prosthetic eyeballs
DESCRIPTION:
“Lifelike detail; the veins in the eyes are stunning!”
OPENING BID:
$50
ITEM:
The raft Elian Gonzalez's family used to flee Cuba
DESCRIPTION:
“A genuine piece of American historyâ¦sure to be a big moneymaker!”
OPENING BID:
$20
ITEM:
Cadaver bag
DESCRIPTION:
“This bag is new, never used. I would have to be a sick freak to sell these used.”
OPENING BID:
$15
Brady:
$6.19
Frog purse:
$5.50
Butt picture:
$1
String cheese:
No takers
Dirt:
$2.75
Couch stuff:
$3.06
The sun:
No takers
Pocket lint:
$10 million
Tattoo:
No takers
Wedding dress:
$15.50
Teriyaki snack:
No takers
Hitler doll:
No takers
Virginity:
$10 million
Conscience:
No takers
Booger:
1¢
Ali's X-ray:
$255.01
Bag of eyeballs:
$613
Elian's raft:
$280 (minimum not met)
Cadaver bag:
$15
Diet fact: a 5-ounce serving of fish is about the same size as your checkbook
.
Does dealing with death and destruction on a daily basis make men loose with language? Apparently, yes. Here are a few colorful examples of wartime slang
.
EGG BEATER
Helicopter. (Korean War)
GIVE A DIRTY ORB
To give a dirty look. (World War II)
CEILING WORK
High-altitude planes protecting airmen at lower levels. (World War I)
BOOM-BOOM GIRL
Prostitute. (Vietnam War)
HOT SKINNY
Rumors about important things. (Vietnam War)
LATRINE TELEGRAM
A rumored report. (World War II)
PLUTONIUM WINE
Moonshine brewed on a nuclear submarine. (Cold War)
BRAIN BUCKET
A helmet. (Korean War)
BONE JAR
Meaning “hello,” a corruption of the French
bonjour
. (World War I)
MESSY BUCKET
“Thank you.”
From the French
merci beaucoup
, “many thanks.” (World War I)
AGONY WAGON
Ambulance. (WWII)
DEEP KIMCHI
In serious trouble.
Kimchi
is a Korean cabbage dish. (Korean War)
DINKY DAU
Crazy. From the Vietnamese
dien cai dau
, “ridiculous.” (Vietnam War)
BEHAVIOR REPORT
A love letter reply. (World War II)
SMOKE A THERMOMETER
To have your temperature taken. (World War I)
BOTTLED SUNSHINE
Beer. (World War II)
BOUGHT GUTS
Courage inspired by too much bottled sunshine. (World War II)
TWIST A DIZZY
To roll a cigarette. (World War II)
COMPLETELY CHEESED
Extremely bored. (World War II)
APPLESAUCE ENEMA
Mild and gentle criticism of a subordinate so he feels less “chewed out.” (Vietnam War)
BIG PICKLE
The atomic bomb. (Korean War)
Most-requested care package item by U.S. troops in Saudi Arabia: toilet paper
.
A fable is a story with a moral. Here's one that comes from Africa
.
O
ne day an ant found a grain of corn and decided to take it home. He held it very tight and hurried as fast as he could, so that nothing would take the grain of corn from him.
There was a pond on the way home. The ant had forgotten about the pond, and he fell into it, corn and all. The corn slipped from his mouth and went to the bottom of the pond. The ant managed to stay on top of the water and struggled to find a place to get out. He began to fear that his strength would be exhausted before he could get out and that he would drown.
Suddenly a pigeon came down to the pond to drink, and when she saw the ant putting up a desperate struggle, she decided she would help the little fellow. She took a long, dry piece of grass and dropped it so that it fell near the ant. He climbed onto the grass and soon got out. The ant took a long breath and then he thanked the pigeon for saving him.