Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (37 page)

There was a boy near the pond with a bow and arrow. He was creeping up nearer and nearer to the pigeon. The ant saw what was happening and ran as fast as he could. Climbing up the boy's leg, he gave him a hard bite. The boy dropped his bow and arrow and cried out. The pigeon saw the boy and flew away to safety.

Each had saved the other. When the pigeon saved the ant, she didn't know that the ant would save her life in such a short time. If the pigeon had left the ant in the water, the boy with the bow and arrow would have killed her. Each was happier because of what they did for each other.

The Bura people say, “Every person is another's butter.” Just as a big person can do something for a small one, so too can a small person do something for a big one.

They don't give judges awards for creativity—but maybe they should. Do these guys deserve a prize? You be the judge
.

T
HE DEFENDANT:
Edward Bello, 60, a vending machine repairman and small-time crook

THE CRIME:
Conspiracy to use stolen credit cards, with which he racked up more than $26,000 in charges

THE PUNISHMENT:
Federal District Court Judge Alvin K. Hellerstein sentenced Bello to 10 months of home detention…
with no TV
. The tube-free environment would “create a condition of silent introspection that I consider necessary to induce the defendant to change his behavior.” Despite a 30-year history of committing petty crimes, Bello has never spent a day in prison and says he's grateful to the judge for sparing him from the slammer one more time. But he's appealing the no-TV sentence anyway, claiming that it's a form of censorship and violates his First Amendment rights. “Let's face it,” he says, “a television is sort of like your umbilical cord to life.”

THE DEFENDANT:
Albert Brown, a repeat drug offender in San Francisco, California

THE CRIME:
Selling drugs to an undercover cop

A NOVEL APPROACH:
Rather than decide the sentence himself, Judge James Warren of San Francisco handed Brown one of his judicial robes and told him to put it on. “This is your life,” he told Brown. “You are your own judge. Sentence yourself.”

THE PUNISHMENT:
Brown, in tears, gave himself six months in jail. Then, according to news reports, he tacked on a “string of self-imposed conditions such as cleaning himself up for his kids, and steering clear of the neighborhood where he got busted.”

“The Probation Department recommended six months and a good lecturing,” Judge Warren told reporters. “But I figured, I'm
not that good at lecturing. He, on the other hand, was very good at lecturing himself. And maybe this time it will stick. I had the transcript typed up and sent over to him. Just in case he forgets.”

THE DEFENDANT:
Alan Law, 19, of Derwent, Ohio

THE CRIME:
Disturbing the peace by driving through town with his truck windows rolled down and the stereo blasting

THE PUNISHMENT:
Municipal Court Judge John Nicholson gave Law a choice: pay a $100 fine or sit and listen to polka music for four hours. Law chose facing the music. A few days later, he reported to the police station and was locked in an interview room, where he listened to the “Blue Skirt Waltz,” “Who Stole the Kishka,” “Too Fat Polka,” and other hits by Cleveland polka artist Frankie Yankovic. Law managed to sit through it and has since abandoned his plans to buy an even louder stereo for his truck.

THE DEFENDANT:
A youth in the Wake County, North Carolina, Juvenile Court (names of juvenile offenders are sealed)

THE CRIME:
Burglary and theft

THE PUNISHMENT:
Judge Don Overby sent the miscreant home to get his most-prized possession. The kid returned with a remote-controlled car, which he handed over to the court. The judge then took a hammer and smashed it to smithereens. Judge Overby has done this with other first time offenders as well. He says he got the idea after someone broke into his house and stole his CD player, his VCR, and $300 in cash. “I remember wishing these folks could feel the same sense of loss as I did,” he says.

Question:
You are competing in a race and overtake the runner in second place. Which position are you in now?

Answer:
If you answered that you're now in first place, you're wrong. You overtook the second runner and took their place, therefore you're in second.

America is more than just 50 states. You may be interested to learn that the United States owns some interesting real estate
.

All told, the United States owns a dozen “territories” and two “commonwealths.” The definitions of both terms are a little vague but they have a few things in common: All of them are under the jurisdiction of the United States, which means the U.S. government controls their trade, foreign relations, immigration, citizenship, currency, maritime laws, declarations of war, legal procedures, treaties, radio and television regulations, and other such areas. Residents have fundamental rights under the U.S. Constitution, and U.S. citizens don't need a passport to go to there.

Residents of the commonwealths (Puerto Rico and the Northern Mariana Islands) and the inhabited territories (Guam, the U.S. Virgin Islands, and American Samoa) have a bit more in common:

• They have elected local governments, similar to those of states, but commonwealths are semi-autonomous, with a constitution and more control of their internal affairs than territories.

• They don't vote in federal elections.

• They elect non-voting delegates to Congress.

• They don't pay federal income tax (no taxation without representation).

• They do pay Social Security taxes.

• They are eligible for welfare and other federal aid programs.

• They are served by the U.S. Postal Service and have their own zip codes.

• Residents of Puerto Rico, the Northern Mariana Islands, Guam, and the U.S. Virgin Islands are U.S. citizens. Residents of American Samoa are considered U.S. nationals, not citizens.

• English is the official language (although some have a second or even third official language as well).

• The official currency is the U.S. dollar.

With that simplified explanation in mind, here is a list of America's island outposts.

Puerto Rico

Location:
Between the Caribbean Sea and the North Atlantic Ocean, east of the Dominican Republic
Size:
3,500 square miles

Population:
Four million

Background:
Columbus “found” this island in 1493, on his second voyage to the New World, and claimed it for Spain. He named it San Juan Bautista. When Ponce de Leon conquered it in 1509, it was inhabited by the Taino, descendents of Amazonian Indians who had migrated into the Caribbean. Most of the Taino were decimated by European diseases and mistreatment; the rest were enslaved and forced to work on sugar plantations. A recent genetic study showed that a surprising number of Puerto Ricans carry Taino blood, suggesting that many natives were assimilated.

Spain gave Puerto Rico to the United States in 1898 following its defeat in the Spanish-American War. (In the same deal, the U.S. got Guam, bought the Philippines, and won independence for Cuba.) The island became a territory of the United States in 1917. Seeking more autonomy, Puerto Ricans voted in 1951 to become a commonwealth.

Northern Mariana Islands

Location:
North Pacific Ocean, between Hawaii and the Philippines

Size:
180 square miles

Population:
75,000

Background:
The Northern Marianas are 14 islands in a 500-mile chain. Only the three southernmost islands of Saipan, Tinian, and Rota are developed. (There's a Wal-Mart, a McDonald's, and a Pizza Hut on Saipan.)

The native Chamorros, probably descendants of migrants from Malaysia, first encountered Europeans in 1521 when explorer Ferdinand Magellan stopped by on his round-the-world voyage. Spanish missionaries and merchants showed up in the 1600s and
dominated the Chamorros for the next three centuries.

In the early 20th century, control of the islands went from Spain to Germany and then to Japan. The Americans took the islands from the Japanese in one of the bloodiest battles of World War II. It remained a U.S. territory until 1975, when the people of the Northern Marianas voted to become a commonwealth.

Today the Chamorros are about 30% of the population. About half the population—Filipinos mostly—are nonresident aliens connected to the huge garment-making industry. And the Japanese are back—as tourists spending nearly half a billion dollars a year.

Guam

Location:
North Pacific Ocean, between Hawaii and the Philippines

Size:
212 square miles

Population:
158,000

Background:
Guam is the 15th island in the chain that includes the Northern Marianas.

Guam was also discovered by Magellan in 1521 and formally annexed by Spain in 1565. It was ceded to the United States by Spain in 1898, at the end of the Spanish-American War. The Japanese occupied it in 1941; the U.S. retook it three years later. A U.S. military installation dominates the island, with more than 23,000 military personnel and dependents. About half the population are Chamorros; 35% of the population are under the age of 15. Guam is currently seeking commonwealth status.

U.S. Virgin Islands

Location:
Caribbean Sea and the North Atlantic Ocean, east of Puerto Rico

Size:
136 square miles

Population:
122,000

Background:
This island paradise comprises three islands—St. Thomas, St. John, and St. Croix—as well as numerous smaller islets.

Columbus came across the larger archipelago in 1493 on his second voyage to the New World and named it the Virgin Islands, in honor of the 11,000 virgin followers of St. Ursula. During the 17th century, the islands were divided into two territorial units,
one British and the other Danish. The British possessions were called the Virgin Islands; the Danish part was called the Danish West Indies.

The largest slave auctions in the world took place on St. Thomas. Sugarcane, produced by slave labor, drove the islands' economy in the 18th and early 19th centuries. And it was a shopper's paradise, as the Danes allowed Blackbeard and other pirates to openly sell their stolen treasures on the streets of St. Thomas.

Because of its strategic importance for control of the Caribbean basin and protection of the Panama Canal, the United States purchased the Danish portion in 1917 for $25 million in gold and renamed it the U.S. Virgin Islands. For clarity, the U.K. appended “British” to its territory (BVI for short).

Today tourism accounts for 70% of the islands' economy and employment, with two million visitors a year.

American Samoa