Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (41 page)

Canadians have a well-deserved reputation for being polite. Turns out it's all an act—at least for politicians. This excerpt from the “Dear Miss Parliamentary Manners” column in the Canadian
National Post
shows us that American politicians have a lot to learn
.

A recent news story contended that decorum is taking a bruising in Canadian legislatures. The article quoted a Cabinet minister as saying, “There is a certain level of civil discourse to be expected in the house even during heckling.” How can you be civil and heckle at the same time?

ANSWER:
Actually, it's very easy to hector with ferocity and yet remain civil and mannerly—once you've mastered the subtle nuances of the parliamentary vernacular.

Expression:
“My learned colleague.”

Translation:
“You cheese-eating throwback.”

Expression:
“If the honorable member will forward his request to my department, we will provide the relevant documents.”

Translation:
“Talk to the hand.”

Expression:
“I would be happy to address the member's question.”

Translation:
“I yearn to bleach your skull and use it on my desk as a novelty pencil holder.”

Expression:
“If the member had concerns, he should have made them known at the proper time.”

Translation:
“Your mother didn't have any complaints last night.”

Expression:
“Mr. Speaker, the people of Canada deserve an answer.”

Translation:
“Leave my mother out of this—I swear, I'll cut you!”

Expression:
“I am outraged by your craven duplicity!”

Translation:
“I'm not really upset; I just wanted to get on the news. Want to have dinner tonight?”

Observations about life from Helen Keller
.

“Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature.…Life is either a daring adventure or nothing.”

“When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us.”

“Keep your face to the sunshine and you cannot see the shadow.”

“Instead of comparing our lot with that of those who are more fortunate than we are, we should compare it with the lot of the great majority of our fellow men. It then appears that we are among the privileged.”

“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something.”

“Science may have found a cure for most evils, but it has found no remedy for the worst of them all—the apathy of human beings.” “No pessimist ever discovered the secrets of the stars, or sailed to an uncharted land.”

“It is wonderful how much time good people spend fighting the devil. If they would only expend the same amount of energy loving their fellow men, the devil would die in his own tracks of ennui.”

“There is no king who has not had a slave among his ancestors, and no slave who has not had a king among his.”

“As selfishness and complaint pervert and cloud the mind, so love clears and sharpens the vision.”

“The heresy of one age becomes the orthodoxy of the next.”

“Life is a succession of lessons which must be lived to be understood.”

“The most pathetic person in the world is someone who has sight, but no vision.”

We've heard about “saving the rainforests” for years, but why are they so important? Here are some facts about some of nature's most amazing phenomena
.

The Facts:
Rainforests—forests with an average year-round temperature of 70°F and annual rainfall of more than 60 inches—are home to 50% of life on Earth…even though they make up only 6% of the landmass.

• More types of woody plant species grow on the slopes of a single forested volcano in the Philippines than grow in the entire United States from coast to coast. Forests in the tiny country of Panama contain as many plant species as all of Europe.

• More species of fish live in the Amazon River than in the entire Atlantic Ocean. One study found more species of ants living on a single tropical stump than are found in all of the British Isles.

• Yet scientists estimate that they have discovered and identified only one-sixth of the species living in rainforests.

The Facts:
The ecosystem of a rainforest is upside down compared to other forests: nutrients are stored not in the soil, but in the canopy of plants above it.

• In forests with temperate climates, the deciduous trees all drop their leaves at roughly the same time, triggered by the change of seasons. Dead leaves gradually decompose and turn into rich soil.

• That doesn't happen in the rainforest—there is no change of season; tropical trees drop their leaves gradually over the entire year.

• The constant heat and moisture of the climate spur the continuous growth of bacteria, insects, and fungi, which feed on the dead leaves—causing the forest floor to act as a huge living stomach.

• Result: Decomposition (which can take one to seven years in a temperate forest) takes only six weeks in a rainforest. Downside: The rich loamy soil that accumulates in temperate forests never gets a chance to build up on a rainforest's floor.

The Facts:
The forest canopy protects the ground. Some areas of the Amazon receive up to 400 inches of rain annually. But without leaves and branches to shield the ground from pounding rain, water would run off immediately, taking any topsoil with it.

• Millions of years of daily rainfall combined with constant heat have drained nutrients from rainforests' subsoil, leaving it high in toxic aluminum and iron oxides. This makes it unable to support much plant life.

• If exposed to the sun, the ground would become unproductive, hard-packed, and cement-like. The small amounts of nutrients left in the soil would be quickly leached away.

• The balance is fragile. It's estimated that the Amazon produces 20% of all the oxygen generated by land plants on Earth. Without the climate moderation of the forest, the greenhouse effect—rising temperatures and plummeting rainfall—may be greatly accelerated.

The Facts:
Over half of the world's rainforests are gone forever—most have disappeared since 1960.

• Loggers, ranchers, miners, and farmers cut or burn the Amazon jungle down at the rate of 40 to 50 million acres annually.

• A 2.5-acre tract of healthy, growing rainforest loses about three pounds of soil through erosion annually. Cut the trees, and the same forest can lose up to 34 tons in a year.

• As settlers clear the forest to make room for agriculture or livestock, they discover the land supports them for only a few years.

• Once the forest is cleared, the only nutrients left are in the ashes. When the soil disappears, the rainfall diminishes, and the forest is gone for good. The damage is irreversible.

• Today, an area the size of the state of Washington is bulldozed every year. At that rate, it will take less than 50 years to destroy the remaining jungle. Some ecologists estimate that the Amazon will be completely gone by the year 2040.

• Scientists fear species are becoming extinct before they are even discovered—a scary prospect since roughly 25% of all prescription drugs contain ingredients originating in the rainforest.

The Facts:
The Amazon contains half the world's tropical forests, spread over an area the size of the continental United States.

• While North American forests rarely have more than 15 species of trees in their entire ecosystem, the Amazon can contain between 100 and 250 different species in a five-acre plot. You can sometimes travel a mile or more before finding two trees of the same species in the Amazon.

• More than 100 types of plants and 1,700 kinds of insects can be found in the branches of a single mature tropical tree.

• The Amazon has more than a million interdependent—and exotic—species of plant and animal life. A few examples:

Why is the Amazon so diverse?

Thirty million years ago, the area that is now the Amazon jungle entered a dry period lasting thousands of years. The drought wiped out most of the region's tropical forests—only isolated pockets of jungle survived. Over time, each jungle followed its own evolutionary course.

Then, following the last ice age (10,000 years ago), the climate became warm and wet again, and the different types of jungle grew together, each contributing many different plant and animal species.

“Common knowledge” is frequently wrong. Here are some examples of things that many people believe… but that according to our sources, just aren't true
.

M
yth:
Dry cleaning is
dry
cleaning.

Fact:
Dry cleaning isn't really dry. The clothes are put in a large washing machine and treated with a variety of chemical solutions, such as perchloroethylene, after which a drier removes the solvents. Cleaned, yes. Dry, no. It's called “dry” cleaning because no water is used.

Myth:
If you stop exercising, your muscle will turn into fat.

Fact:
Muscle and fat are different tissues; one can't turn into the other. If you used to be muscular, but are getting fat, it's probably either because you're exercising less…or eating more.

Myth:
Snake charmers “charm” snakes with their hypnotic music.

Fact:
This art form dates back to the third century B.C. But the charmers don't work their magic with music…because snakes can't hear it. It's the wind from the charmer's flute—as well as various hand and head gestures—that capture the snake's attention.

Myth:
New York is the largest city in the United States.

Fact:
The largest city isn't New York or even Los Angeles. It's Juneau, Alaska. The city covers 3,108 square miles, making it nearly
seven
times larger than Los Angeles. The largest city in the contiguous 48 states is Jacksonville, Florida, which is 841 square miles—nearly twice the size of Los Angeles.

Myth:
Jockey shorts (men's briefs) make men sterile.