Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (74 page)

But she wasn't done yet. Donovan then came up with the idea that turned out to be the Holy Grail of modern motherhood: diapers made from absorbant paper instead of cloth, allowing them to be thrown away instead of washed and reused.

So are today's disposable diapers direct descendants of Donovan's idea? Nope—when Donovan went around to the big paper companies and tried to get them interested in paper diapers, they all thought she was nuts.

Disposable diapers had to wait until 1959, when a Procter & Gamble employee named Vic Mills invented his own disposable diaper for his grandson, apparently without even knowing that Donovan had beaten him to the task by nearly a decade. It was Mills's diaper, not Donovan's, that P&G introduced as “Pampers” in 1961.

No matter—Donovan was number one, and she's the person historians credit as the inventor of the world's first disposable diaper.

In September 1864, Civil War General Nathan Forrest was leading his Confederate troops north from Alabama toward Tennessee. He planned to attack the Union post in Athens, Alabama, having heard that Union reinforcements were approaching and wanted to take the fort before they arrived. The problem: the post was well manned and heavily fortified. Forrest was greatly outnumbered, but he had a plan.

He sent a message to Union commander Campbell requesting a personal meeting. Campbell agreed to the meeting. Forrest then escorted Campbell on a tour of the Confederate troops, during which Campbell silently calculated the number of troops and artillery surrounding his fort. What he didn't realize was that Forrest's men—after being inspected and tallied—were quietly packing everything up and quickly moving to a new position, to be counted again. Campbell was seeing the same troops over and over again. Assuming he was vastly outnumbered by the Confederates, he returned to his fort, pulled down the Union flag and gave up without a fight.

More proof that truth really is stranger than fiction.

“A 40-year-old ex-drug dealer named Kenny Carter finally found his calling in 1997. Carter says, ‘I was crying out in the middle of church: “Oh, God! Oh, God!” And suddenly I heard an audible male voice that said, “You will be a vegetable.”' That was all he needed to hear. He made a costume—a vegetable persona called ‘Peppy the Pepper.' Now he greets customers and sings his ‘Peppy the Pepper' song at the Super Fresh market, where he is a community relations manager.”

—Baltimore Sun

“Istvan Beki of Budapest needed to see his ill mother 150 miles away but didn't have enough money for train fare. So he got a large cardboard box and mailed himself home. Beki poked air holes in the box and took it to the post office, then climbed in with a bottle of water and some sandwiches and told the postal clerk to seal up the box. He arrived the next day.”

—
BoneheadoftheDay.com

“Samson exhibited almost all the symptoms of ‘Anti-Social Personality Disorder,' says Dr. Eric Altschuler in
Archives of General Psychiatry
. Although the biblical hero is credited with extraordinary strength and remarkable exploits—such as the slaying of a lion and moving the gates of Gaza—he was also apparently a bully, a thief, and a liar. Altschuler's evidence: failure to conform to social norms by burning the Philistines' fields; repeated involvement in physical fights; reckless disregard for the safety of others by having killed 1,000 Philistines; and his lack of remorse, shown by his gloating after killing them.

“‘It should be noted that Samson also displayed many of the
behaviors listed in the criteria for “Conduct Disorder,”' added Altschuler, ‘such as cruelty to animals, bullying, and using a weapon (the jawbone of ass).'”

—The Jerusalem Post

“A grieving Australian widow has had her husband's ashes injected into her breast implants, a British newspaper has reported. Sydney woman Sandi Canesco, 26, took the bizarre step after her husband Dustin was killed in a car accident, the
Daily Star
reported. ‘It dawned on me that if I carried Dustin's cremated remains in my breast implants, I'd never really have to part with him at all,' the paper quoted Canesco as saying, under the headline ‘Dust to Bust.'”

—
News.com

“When Chamlong Taengniem's 13-year-old son died in a motorcycle accident, she had no idea he would revisit her. As a lizard. The Thai mother claims a lizard followed her home after her son's cremation and sleeps in his mattress and drinks his favorite drinks. Flocks of people have journeyed to the woman's home to catch a glimpse of the lizard, even stroking its stomach in the hopes of finding clues to future lottery numbers.”

—“The Edge,”
The Oregonian

“London's Natural History Museum is home to a new animatronic
Tyrannosaurus rex
. Not content with having another boring dinosaur display, the museum decided to re-create the exact odor that would have come out of T-Rex's mouth, a mixture of dead flesh and rotting meat. ‘The smell was found to be so offensive it would have put people off,' says a museum spokesperson. ‘So we've gone for a smell that was found in the environment instead.'

“Officially named
Maastrichtian miasma
, the reformulated scent is a concoction of jaguar urine, cesspit, boiler room, brewery, wild stag, machine oil, garbage, Thai curry, smoked fish, and ozone. Bottles of dinosaur smell are available for purchase in the museum gift shop.”

—The Times
(London)

Some people say the best comedy is on TV. We say it's in Washington, D.C.

“At a press briefing last Friday,
Senate Majority Leader Thomas Daschle (D-S.D.)
lit into President Bush's plans for a space-based missile-defense system, saying that committing billions of dollars ‘to a concept that may or may not be practical or doable is something that I am mystified by.'

But as his mystification intensified, Daschle slipped up a bit. ‘It just seems like common sense,' he said. ‘I mean, this isn't—this isn't rocket science here.'

Daschle quickly caught his mistake, as the room erupted in laughter. ‘Yes, it is rocket science,' he said to more laughter, ‘now that I think about it.'”

—Roll Call

Maryland Sen. Barbara Mikulski (D-Md.)
“stood in front of the cameras and assembled reporters in a Senate gallery Tuesday, eagerly flapping her arms and belting out a stadium favorite of Baltimore Ravens fans: ‘Who let the dogs out? Who, who? Who, who?'

“Why? She was celebrating. She had just won a Super Bowl bet with New York Senators Charles Schumer and Hillary Clinton.”

—Capital News Service

“House Speaker Dennis Hastert (R-Ill.)
held a press conference surrounded by a group of hard hat-wearing ‘working Americans.' But the ‘workers' were really lobbyists in disguise. The conference was called to pass off the trillion-dollar Bush tax cut as a boon for the working class.

“According to a memo sent to the lobbyists, ‘the Speaker's office was very clear in saying that they do not need people in suits. If people want to participate, they must be DRESSED DOWN, and appear to be REAL WORKER types.'”

—Common Dreams

“Three security guards filed complaints accusing
Bob Barr (R-Ga.)
of cursing and yelling racial slurs after he was denied entry to a private parking lot at Atlanta's Hartsfield International Airport.

“Guard Ramona Phenix, who is black, reported that Barr cursed at her and used racial slurs when she told him the van could not enter the lot. Supervisor Alicia S. Gordon, who is also black, said Barr became more angry after they decided to let the van into the lot, but not until the driver filled out a form. While the driver was working on the form, Barr became angry again.

“‘This time he yelled, “When are you going to open the gate you stupid black idiot,” ' Gordon wrote.”

—Associated Press

“Rep. Duke Cunningham (R-Calif.)
summoned Elmo, the Sesame Street character made of red felt, to the Capitol to testify on the importance of music education. Said one political analyst who witnessed the event, ‘Elmo has higher poll ratings than most members of Congress. They like to be in his reflective glory.'”

—
Mother Jones

“Orrin Hatch (R-Utah)
has written several gospel and love songs and released several CDs. But nothing tops the 68-year-old conservative's most recent composition, featured in the movie
Rat Race
. Says Hatch, it's a ‘patriotic rock song for children.'

“A sample of his lyrics: ‘America rocks! America rocks! / From its busy bustling cities / To its quiet country walks / It's totally cool, it's totally hot / I mean it's like right there at the top / America rocks! America rocks! America rocks!'”

—
St. Petersburg Times

“Rep. James Traficant (D-Oh.)
was convicted of selling a boat to a businessman at an inflated price in return for favors. Responding to an ethics subcommittee on why he kept the boat docked in the Potomac River, he said: ‘I wanted to have Playboy bunnies come on at night to meet me. I wanted to be promiscuous with them.'”

—Washington Post

Part III of our history of
Saturday Night Live
(page 309) ended with the show once again in shambles—no producer, low ratings, an unhappy cast. It needed a lot of help. Who better to save it then the man who created it?

Lorne Michaels returned to NBC in 1984 to develop a new show for Friday nights called…
The New Show
. He was having trouble trying to make it as good as
SNL
without copying his original show—and it showed.
The New Show
limped along for 12 weeks getting low ratings and poor reviews. Michaels decided he'd had enough of television. A film that he co-wrote with Randy Newman and Steve Martin,
The Three Amigos
, had just started filming when NBC president Brandon Tartikoff called and offered him his old job back at
SNL
. Michaels initially turned him down, but when Tartikoff threatened to cancel the show instead, he relented and moved back into his old office on the 17th floor of Rockefeller Plaza. The first order of business: hiring a new cast.

NBC called the 1985–86 season a rebuilding year—most fans and critics called it a disaster. Michaels experimented with established Brat Pack stars Robert Downey, Jr., Anthony Michael Hall, and Joan Cusack, as well as veteran actor Randy Quaid. Everyone else he added was a no-name. Nothing seemed to click.

What went wrong? Among other things, NBC executives had decided that the show was too important to leave alone, so the 17th floor was invaded by “strange men with clipboards” scribbling secret notes to take back upstairs. The writers now had to get network approval for any even slightly taboo subject. They blamed their unfunny scripts on an un-funny cast.