Read Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Michael Brunsfeld
After a few minutes a circus worker climbed onto Mary’s back and attached a heavier chain around her neck. The derrick arm was raised again and Mary was lifted off the ground. This time the chain held—a few minutes later she was dead. Later that day, her body was lowered into a hole that had been dug alongside the railroad track and buried. The exact location of her grave has since been forgotten.
MEMORY OF AN ELEPHANT
In one sense, when Charlie Sparks had Mary killed he successfully put the unfortunate incident of Red Eldridge’s death behind him. Johnson City and Rogersville lifted their bans, and the circus was permitted to perform. Life returned to normal.
In another sense, however, the story of Murderous Mary has never died. While Mary was being hanged, an unknown photographer in the crowd snapped a single picture of the big elephant dangling from her noose in midair. The photo still survives; if you look you can probably find a copy of it on the Internet.
Have you ever heard of Sparks World Famous Shows? Neither has anyone else—the small circus folded years ago and today only circus buffs remember it. What
has
survived is the infamous photograph of Mary hanging by the neck from the railroad derrick. It has achieved more fame than the Sparks circus ever did.
What about Erwin, Tennessee? To this day its greatest claim to fame is that it is “the town that hung the elephant,” and Murderous Mary is (still) its most famous citizen. The townspeople have even been blamed for the incident, though the only reason it happened in Erwin was because that’s where the railroad yard was. “It made people from Erwin look like a bunch of bloodthirsty red-necks,” Hilda Padgett of the Unicoi County Historical Society told the Associated Press in 1999. Kingsport, the town where Red Eldridge actually died, emerged with its reputation unscathed.
A female pigeon must be able to see another pigeon to lay her eggs.
GONE…BUT NOT FORGOTTEN
If you ever happen to find yourself in Erwin, the railroad yard where Mary was killed is still there. Today it’s owned by the CSX Corporation, one of the country’s largest railroads. But you won’t find any monuments, plaques, or other reminders that this is the place where Murderous Mary met her maker—embarrassed city fathers have squelched every attempt to create a memorial. “They want to keep it quiet, but it’s part of our history,” says Ruth Pieper, an Erwin resident who is working to get a memorial built on the site. “And if it’s told correctly, people will understand and hopefully won’t blame Erwin anymore.”
* * *
A LOVE STORY
A tree toad loved a she-toad who lived up in a tree.
He was a two-toed tree toad, but a three-toed toad was she.
The two-toed tree toad tried to win the three-toed she-toad’s heart,
For the two-toed tree toad loved the ground the three-toed tree toad trod.
The two-toed tree toad tried in vain to sate her every whim.
From her tree toad bower with her three-toed power, the she-toad vetoed him.
More people are allergic to cow’s milk than to any other food.
Here’s another chance to test your pop culture IQ. Okay, so it’s not an intelligence test…but it’s fun. Do you know which products or brands spawned these advertising slogans? Answers on
page 519
.
1
. “Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.”
2
. “The quicker picker upper.”
3
. “Have it your way.”
4
. “Just do it.”
5
. “It’s like having a borgasmord!”
6
. “It’s not nice to fool Mother Nature.”
7
. “Mother, please. I’d rather do it myself.”
8
. “I’d rather fight than switch.”
9
. “When you got it, flaunt it.”
10
. “Mama Mia, that’s a spicy meat-a-ball!”
11
. “They’re magically delicious.”
12
. “When you care enough to send the very best.”
13
. “Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.”
14
. “Finger lickin’ good.”
15
. “You’ve come a long way, baby!”
16
. “We bring good things to life.”
17
. “Double your pleasure, double your fun.”
18
. “We drive excitement.”
19
. “Less filling. Tastes great.”
20
. “How do you spell relief?”
21
. “Betcha can’t eat just one.”
22
. “Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you don’t.”
23
. “Ancient Chinese secret, huh?”
24
. “Help! I’ve fallen and I can’t get up!”
25
. “Stronger than dirt.”
26
. “It’s the real thing.”
27
. “No more tears.”
28
. “Nothin’ says lovin’ like something from the oven.”
29
. “Because life is not a spectator sport.”
Remember this tomorrow: An average person will forget 80% of what they learned today.
A few more interesting stories about where words come from
.
H
OPSCOTCH
Meaning:
A children’s game of hopping into and over squares drawn on the ground
Origin:
“The word
scotch
here has nothing to do with the inhabitants of Scotland. It’s a 15th-century word for a ‘cut, incision, scratch, or score on the ground,’ which is how the boxes were drawn before kids got their hands on chalk. Schoolchildren have been playing
scotch-hoppers
since at least 1677.” (From
Devious Derivations
, by Hugh Rawson)
AGONY
Meaning:
Extreme suffering
Origin:
“This word originally was the Greek
agonia
, meaning ‘contest,’ especially any athletic contest. Since at least one party—the loser—in an athletic contest usually suffers some pain or anguish, the word gradually came to mean what it does today.” (From
Dictionary of Word and Phrase Origins, Volume III
, by William and Mary Morris)
CENT
Meaning:
A monetary unit equal to one hundredth of a dollar
Origin:
“Why are
pennies
called
cents
in America? As part of the trend to de-English our language at the time of the Revolution, Governor Morris proposed the word
cent
—one hundredth of a dollar—to replace the British word
penny
. The attempt was not entirely successful, since
penny
is still widely used on this side of the Atlantic.” (From
Dictionary of Word and Phrase Origins, Volume II
, by William and Mary Morris)
INVEST
Meaning:
Put money into a financial plan with the expectation of a profit; devote one’s time to an undertaking
Origin:
“The etymological notion underlying
invest
is of ‘putting on clothes.’ It comes from Latin
investire
, a compound verb formed from the prefix in-, and
vestis
, ‘clothes.’ It retained that original literal sense ‘clothe’ in English for several centuries, but now survives only in its metaphorical descendant. Its financial sense, first recorded in the early 17th century, is thought to have originated from the idea of dressing one’s capital up in different clothes by putting it into a particular business, stock, etc.” (From
Dictionary of Word Origins
, by John Ayto)
Now you know: The liquid inside a Magic-8 ball is a mix of water, antifreeze, and blue dye.
BANG
Meaning:
A sharp, loud noise or a hairstyle
Origin:
“‘Bangs,’ the hair style, comes from the same root as ‘bang,’ the sound of a gun or slamming door. It comes from an Old Norse word,
banga
, meaning ‘to hammer.’ In English, ‘bang’ first meant ‘to strike violently,’ but gradually came to be used for any violent movement, especially one which caused a loud noise. It continued to evolve, which brings us at last to modern haircuts. ‘Bangs’ are so-called because they are created by cutting the hair ‘bang-off’—abruptly and straight across the forehead.” (From
The Word Detective
, by Evan Morris)
HOAX
Meaning:
An act meant to trick or dupe someone
Origin:
“Believed to be a contraction of the word
hocus
from the term
hocus pocus
, which first appeared in the early 17th century. It may be derived from the name of a conjuror in the time of King James known as ‘The Kings Majesties most excellent Hocus Pocus.’ Before every trick he would call out the nonsense phrase,
Hocus pocus, tontus talontus, vade celeriter jubeo
. This phrase was itself probably an imitation (or mockery) of the Latin
hoc est corpus
(‘this is my body’), used by Catholic priests performing the act of transubstantiation. (From
The Museum of Hoaxes
, by Alex Boese.)
* * *
A Groaner
. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, “I was artificially inseminated this morning.” “I don’t believe you,” says Dolly. “It’s true. No bull,” says Daisy.
Gardeners’ claim: Roses cut in the afternoon will last longer than ones cut in the morning.
THE CURSE OF THE LITTLE RASCALS
When Robert Blake was arrested in 2002 and charged with the murder of his wife, a lot of people began to look back and wonder if the kids who starred in the
Our Gang
films were under some kind of cloud
.
B
ACKGROUND
According to
Our Gang
producer Hal Roach, 176 kids played in the 221
Our Gang
films made between 1922 and 1944. Only a few of these became major stars in the series.
It’s not unusual for child stars to have a difficult time as they move into adulthood, and if anything life in the 1920s, ’30s, and ’40s was even tougher. Children who worked on the series typically started out earning less than $100 a week, and they never earned residuals—when the
Our Gang
films made their way to television in the early 1950s, the kids didn’t get a penny. Result: when their fame ended, they didn’t have money to fall back on like child stars do today.
When you consider how many kids cycled through the
Our Gang
series, it stands to reason that quite a few of them would have problems later in life. Even so, the number of kids who suffered misfortune over the years is startling. You can’t help but wonder: Are the Little Rascals cursed?
LOSS OF INNOCENCE
•
Carl “Alfalfa” Switzer:
Like many of the Little Rascals, Switzer had trouble finding movie roles as he grew older. He landed bit parts in films like
It’s a Wonderful Life
and
The Defiant Ones
, supporting himself at such odd jobs as bartender, dog trainer, and hunting guide between acting gigs. He was shot to death in 1959 following an argument over $50. He was 31. (Carl’s older brother, Harold, also appeared in the
Our Gang
series; in April 1967 he murdered his girlfriend and then killed himself. He was 42.)
•
William “Buckwheat” Thomas:
When his career in front of the camera ended, Thomas became a film technician with the Technicolor Corporation. In October 1980, a neighbor who hadn’t seen Thomas in several days entered his home and found him dead in his bed. Cause of death: heart attack. Thomas was 49.
Rhode Island prison inmates have the legal right to change their underwear once a week.
•
Robert “Wheezer” Hutchins:
A cadet in the Army Air Corps, Hutchins was killed in 1945 while trying to land his plane during a training exercise. He died a few days shy of his 20th birthday.
•
Matthew “Stymie” Beard:
A high school dropout, Beard fought a heroin addiction for more than 20 years and was frequently in and out of prison. He beat the habit in the 1970s, but passed away in 1981, at age 56. Cause of death: pneumonia, following a stroke.
•
“Darla” Hood Granson:
Contracted hepatitis while in the hospital for minor surgery and died in 1979 at the age of 47.
•
Norman “Chubby” Chaney:
Chaney’s weight was due to a glandular problem; by the time he was 17 he weighed more than 300 pounds. In 1935 he had surgery to treat his condition; that dropped his weight down to 130 pounds, but he never regained his health. He passed away in 1936 at the age of 18.
•
“Scotty” Beckett:
Scotty was the kid who wore a cap turned to the side of his head. A classic case of a troubled former child star, Beckett slid into alcohol and drug abuse when his acting career petered out. He had two failed marriages, a history of violence, and numerous run-ins with the law. In 1968 he checked into a Hollywood nursing home after someone beat him up; two days later he was dead. Investigators found a bottle of pills and a suicide note by his bed, but the coroner never ruled on whether it was the beating or the barbiturates that killed him. He was 38.