Uncle John’s Presents Mom’s Bathtub Reader (43 page)

In the 21st century, moms are tough!

T
here have never been TV moms like these. They can run their own lives and sometimes everyone else’s too. These series’ heroines are the matriarchs of the new millennium.

The Show:
Malcolm in the Middle
(2000–present)

A master of psychological warfare, Lois Wilkerson (played by Jane Kaczmarek) stops at little to get her boys to behave. A mother to five boys (six, if you count her husband, Hal), Lois has to be on top of her game at all times in order to keep control of the household. Though Lois seems to be a frustrated major general, in reality she’s a working mom trying to “hold on until the last one turns eighteen.” Her family eats together in
almost
traditional fashion, although Lois has been known to shave her husband’s back at the kitchen table. Nonetheless, she is law, or as her genius son Malcom would say, “the lord high magistrate and executioner, ultimate arbiter and dispenser of justice, inflicter of guilt.” No wonder he thinks that the best thing about childhood is that eventually it ends.

Fun Fact:
Jane Kaczmarek attended Yale Drama School and was a roommate of Kate Burton, the daughter of Richard Burton.

The Show:
The Sopranos
(1999–present)

Easily the most evil mother ever to appear on TV, Livia Soprano (played by Nancy Marchand) wins hands down. Widowed 70-year-old Livia claimed to be a weak, helpless lady, but underneath lurked a menacing force to be reckoned with. She often boasted that she gave her entire life to her children “on a silver platter,” but mostly Livia gave her son, Tony, a series of panic attacks by tying him into emotional knots. Tony, a powerful mobster and a coldblooded killer, couldn’t easily gain the upper hand with his mother.

After Mrs. Soprano accidentally ran down her neighbor with her car and nearly burned her house down while frying some mushrooms, Tony moved her into a palatial retirement home; Livia angrily demanded that he kill her instead. When her guilt trip didn’t work, she put a hit out on her son through another mob boss. Though that hit failed, until the moment that Livia died peacefully in her sleep (actress Marchand died of lung cancer), she gave Tony far more trouble than the FBI ever could.

Fun Fact:
The series creator, David Chase, loosely based the character of Livia on his own mother.

The Show:
The Osbournes
(2002–present)

Harriet and Ozzie started the reality tradition with their series based on their daily life. Today, Sharon Osbourne stars as “the mom” in today’s version of the reality series. Married to rocker Ozzy Osbourne, Sharon allowed MTV cameras into her home in Beverly Hills to track the antics
of her husband, her two teenagers, and a passel of California’s most neurotic pets.

From Harriet to Sharon and Ozzie to Ozzy, TV moms have changed. For one thing, there’s much more colorful language from Sharon. For another, Sharon is more than just a partner to her husband, she’s also his manager. She’s also the pillar of her family, making many of the decisions; the one the kids rely on if they get into trouble; and the one Ozzy turns to for just about everything. As always, Sharon shows that a good mom means good TV.

Fun Fact:
Some say Sharon stole Ozzy away from her father, in a professional sense. Sharon’s father, Don Arden, had been Ozzy’s manager until Sharon, in a savvy business decision, “took over” for him.

It’s time for stage moms to stop hiding behind their talented kids and come out for awards of their own.

Y
ou’ve seen the Tonys, the Oscars, and the Golden Globes. But does the talent behind the talent ever get recognition? Of course we mean those pushy ladies who shoved their kids onto the stage and screen. It’s time they got the recognition they deserve.

Gertrude Temple was managing Shirley Temple before the little tyke was even born. Believing in the abilities of thought to shape destiny, the pregnant Gertie set her mind to delivering a baby girl named Shirley Jane. Gertie then got busy with prenatal education. She went to museums, listened to classical music, viewed great architecture, and went dancing—all for the edification of her unborn Shirley. In 1928, when Shirley Temple finally did see the light of day, Gertrude continued to nurture her infant’s musical abilities. Mom played the radio for her baby and danced her around the house.

It’s hard to argue with success. Shirley Temple was a movie star by the time she was four. Shirley’s singing and dancing and bouncing curls were so popular that she saved her movie studio from bankruptcy. She even won one of those golden statuettes—a special Oscar in 1934
“in grateful recognition to her outstanding contribution to screen entertainment.”

What kind of mother would push her daughter into a career as a burlesque stripper? Rose Hovick, that’s who. In her own words, Rose was “a woman alone in the world with two babies to support.” In 1918, when daughter Louise was four years old, Mama Rose put her up on the vaudeville stage with her younger sister, June, who was the star of their act, “Dainty June and Her Newsboy Songsters.” To ensure success, Rose would even sabotage competing acts, filching their sheet music or costumes.

When June was 13, she eloped with one of her Newsboys, leaving Louise the center of attention. Rose began to realize that vaudeville’s days were numbered. Refusing to give up on vicarious stardom, she put 15-year-old Louise on the burlesque stage. Louise didn’t reveal what she was supposed to, but her shyness and her teasing had appeal. With Rose’s nudging, Louise became Gypsy Rose Lee, the most famous stripper of her day. Rose was delighted—after all, it was top billing.

In 1957, the stripper wrote
Gypsy
, a memoir about life with her overbearing stage mother. Adapted from the book, the hit Broadway musical immortalized Rose forever. The show may be called
Gypsy
, but it’s all about Mama Rose.

Ethel Gumm, a former vaudeville performer, realized that she’d never be a great success. Transferring her ambition to her daughters, she put them on the vaudeville stage as the
Gumm Sisters. The youngest girl, Frances “Baby” Gumm, was only two years old when mom started her in show busines. Frances was the most talented of the trio, and even as a toddler, she had a surprisingly full, expressive voice that could stop the show.

There were times when Frances wished she could stop the show, but Ethel knew that her daughter was special, and she was relentless about keeping her onstage. Mama moved the family to California, where she dragged her talented tyke—who by then had changed her name from Frances Gumm to Judy Garland—to every studio audition she could find.

Finally in 1935, at 13 years old, Judy was signed by MGM and launched on a path to stardom. Along the way she was also launched on a darker path to addiction. Studio head Louis B. Mayer wanted Judy thinner, and Ethel gave diet pills and sedatives to Judy to help keep her thin.

Judy won an Oscar for Best Juvenile Performance in
The Wizard of Oz.
For her efforts, Mama Gumm receives this award and a permanent place in the Hall of Shame.

Sarah Berlinger was determined that her son was going to be a star. Whenever he performed, she sat in the audience, watching and ready to criticize if one of his rapid-fire jokes fell flat. At a very early age, Sarah made little Mendel Berlinger a child model. (He later changed his name to Milton Berle.) By age 15, Milton had already appeared in silent films with stars like Charlie Chaplin and Douglas Fairbanks and sung in Broadway musical reviews. Sarah put him on the vaudeville circuit and began her career of
monitoring every single one of her boy’s performances, even if he did ten a day.

In 1948, funnyman Milton Berle became the first big star of television. Uncle Miltie’s shows featuring cross-dressing antics and stand-up comedy routines earned him the title Mr. Television. He performed until the doctors made him stop at the age of 90.

Sometimes other comedians accused Milton of stealing material, but Sarah proudly defended her boy. “He wouldn’t stoop so low!” she declared. “He stoops high!” It wasn’t always easy being the mother of a comedian who was once called the “Thief of Badgags,” but she supported him all the way.

Answers for
pages 34–35
.

1. E (Both A & D)

Medea kills everyone and escapes on her chariot drawn by dragons. Jason is left alone and robbed of all ambition since his former wife has taken everything from him.