Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader (32 page)

PLEASE BE SEATED

A German inventor named Alex Benkhardt has created a device designed to shame men with bad aim into sitting down to pee. The device, called the WC Ghost, attaches to a toilet seat. Every time the seat is lifted, a stern female voice says, “Hello, what are you up to then? Put the seat back down right away, you are definitely not to pee standing up—you will make a right mess.” As of mid-2004, Benkhardt had sold more than 1.6 million of the devices in Germany, and plans to expand into Italy, Canada, and England.

NOW, WHERE’D I PUT THAT?

In April 2004, a federal air marshal made a pit stop in the ladies’ room at the Cleveland Hopkins International Airport in Cleveland, Ohio. A few minutes later the marshal realized she’d left something behind: her loaded handgun. She apparently had put the gun on a shelf while she washed her hands, then forgot to grab it after she finished. A few minutes later someone else using the restroom saw the gun and, fortunately, alerted airport police.

Groaner: Why is 6 afraid of 7? Because 789.

YOU’VE GOTTA GO

In November 2003, Caterpillar Inc., maker of bulldozers and other heavy equipment, fired an assembly line worker after he failed a company drug test. Tom Smith, 55, suffers from paruresis (also known as “shy bladder syndrome” or “stage fright”). After it took him more than the permitted three hours to produce a urine sample, Caterpillar didn’t even bother to test the sample for drugs. They just fired him. Smith is fighting back—in May 2004, he sued Caterpillar, alleging that the time limit violates the Americans with Disabilities Act. “This is supposed to be a country where losing a job for a disorder like this shouldn’t be a problem,” he states.

PINK POT OF GOLD

Fifteen people hoping to raise money for the American Cancer Society in Whitehouse, Ohio, have come up with a unique way to do it. Every night for more than a month, the fundraisers put a fluorescent pink toilet on a volunteer’s front lawn, along with a big sign that read “Help Flush Out Cancer!” At last report neighbors had deposited more than $800 in the pink pot for cancer research.

KABOOM!

Remember the automated, self-cleaning public restrooms we told you about in
Uncle John’s Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader
? The city of Stoke-on-Trent in England has six of them...or at least it
had
six. In February 2004, one of them blew up at 4:00 in the morning. The “superloos,” as they’re known in England, are built like tanks and are virtually indestructible, but the explosion was so powerful that it blew the roof off. (Luckily, no one was inside at the time.) Officials think it was caused by a fault in a high-voltage cable running underneath the restroom. “The toilet just happened to be above it,” city council spokesperson Terry James told reporters.

SAVING NEMO

The Singapore International Fish Show introduced a new attraction in 2004: an adoption program to save unwanted pet fish from the usual fate that awaits them—being flushed into oblivion. Any of the show’s 80,000 visitors who want to get rid of their fish can drop them off at the show’s “orphanage,” where other visitors can adopt them. “It’s more humane than flushing them down the toilet,” says spokesperson Carol Lian.

Bathroom Fact: One in seven adults spends more than 30 minutes a day in the bathroom.

Was your grandma gruntled when she was infanticipating? What are we talking about? You’ll have to brush up on your 1930s lingo!

Ackamarackus:
Nonsense

Clip joint:
A bar that charges outrageously high prices

Ripple:
Ice cream with a colorful syrup stirred in, giving it flavor and a rippled appearance

Trafficator:
What some 1930s cars had instead of blinkers—“arms” on either side of the car that could be raised when the driver wanted to turn

Thumber:
A hitchhiker

That’s one for Ripley:
In reference to “Ripley’s Believe it or Not!” cartoons, meaning anything strange or bizarre

Gruntled:
Happy. The word was created by dropping the
dis-
from
disgruntled

The Magoo:
Sex appeal

Superette:
A small supermarket, something about the size of a modern 7-Eleven

Glamour boy:
Like a pretty boy, but more masculine

Gaff:
A building or house

Pen-friend:
What pen-pals used to be called

Infanticipate:
Pregnant or expecting;
anticipating
an infant. (Why didn’t this term survive? One theory: it’s too close to “infanticide.”)

Shy-making:
Embarrassing

Sky-shouting:
Sky-writers write messages in the sky with trails of smoke; sky-
shouters
broadcast messages to the ground using loudspeakers

Modock:
A man who becomes a military pilot to be glamorous and have sex appeal

Milk bar:
Like a regular bar, except that the drinks are made with milk, not alcohol. The milkshake is one of the few such drinks that survives today

Spliff:
A marijuana cigarette

Balls-up:
Messed up, ruined, confused or disordered

Slim:
To lose weight by dieting

Gravel:
Sugar

Candy Leg:
A rich and popular young man

Melon:
A financial windfall

Barnburner:
A riotous party

The Ford Motor Company was the first to offer a rebate...$50 on a new Model T.

This page originally explained the meaning of life, but our dog eight it
.

VEGETABLES IN V-8 JUICE

Tomatoes, Celery

Carrots, Lettuce

Watercress, Beets

Parsley, Spinach

LONGEST RIVERS IN NORTH AMERICA

Missouri

(2,500 miles)

Mississippi

(2,330 miles)

Rio Grande

(1,885 miles)

Colorado

(1,450 miles)

Yukon

(1,265 miles)

Mackenzie

(1,250 miles)

Columbia

(1,152 miles)

Churchill

(1,000 miles)

U.S. PRESIDENTS FROM VIRGINIA

George Washington

Thomas Jefferson

James Madison

John Tyler

James Monroe

Zachary Taylor

Woodrow Wilson

William H. Harrison

MOVIES WITH “8” IN THE TITLE

8-1/2

BUtterfield 8

8 Million Ways to Die

8 Heads in a Duffel Bag

8 Mile, Eight Men Out

8MM, Jennifer Eight

GR8 MUSICIANS WHO NEVER WON A GRAMMY

The Doors

Diana Ross

Led Zeppelin

Jimi Hendrix

Chuck Berry

Patsy Cline

The Beach Boys

Sam Cooke

DEFUNCT OLYMPIC SPORTS

Tug-of-war, Golf

Rugby, Croquet

Polo, Lacrosse

Power boating

Waterskiing

THE PARTS OF SPEECH

Noun, Verb

Adjective, Adverb

Pronoun, Preposition

Conjunction

Interjection

THE KIDS ON
EIGHT IS ENOUGH

Mary

(Lani O’Grady)

Joanie

(Laurie Walters)

Nancy

(Dianne Kay)

Elizabeth

(Connie Needham)

Susan

(Susan Richardson)

David

(Grant Goodeve)

Tommy

(Willie Aames)

Nicholas

(Adam Rich)

THE IVY LEAGUE

Harvard, Brown, Yale

Cornell, Dartmouth

Princeton, Columbia

University of Pennsylvania

MOST POPULAR ICE CREAM FLAVORS

Vanilla

Chocolate

Butter pecan

Strawberry

Neapolitan

Chocolate chip

French vanilla

Cookies and cream

The average cat consumes 28 times its weight in food annually.

Muhammad Ali had a knack for promoting himself and his causes (and taunting his opponents) with verse. Here are some examples
.

There are two things

That are hard to hit and see,

That’s a spooky ghost

And Muhammad Ali.

My face is so pretty,

You don’t see a scar,

Which proves I’m the king

Of the ring by far.

I’m a baaad man.

Archie Moore fell in four,

Liston wanted me more,

So since he’s so great,

I’ll make him fall in eight.

I’m a baaad man,

I’m king of the world!

Keep asking me,

no matter how long,

On the war in Vietnam,

I sing this song:

“I ain’t got no quarrel

with them Viet Cong.”

I float like a butterfly,

Sting like a bee...

His hands can’t hit

What his eyes can’t see.

If you ever dream of

beating me,

You better wake up

and apologize.

Stay in college,

Get the knowledge;

Stay there till you are through.

If they can make penicillin

Out of moldy bread,

They sure’ll make

Something out of you.

Joe’s gonna be smokin’

An’ I ain’t even jokin’,

But I’ll be peckin’ and pokin’

And pour water on that

smokin’.

Now this might

Astound and amaze ya,

But I will destroy Joe Frazier.

My opponents are like postage

stamps—always gettin’ licked.

I done wrestled an alligator,

I done tussled with a whale.

Only last week

I murdered a rock,

Injured a stone,

Hospitalized a brick,

I’m so mean

I make medicine sick.

You don’t want no pie

In the sky when you die,

You want something

Here on the ground

While you’re still around.

Hi, Mom!

In
Uncle John’s Ultimate Bathroom Reader,
we told you about how the producers of
M*A*S*H
were so mad that McLean Stevenson was leaving the show that they killed off his character, shocking the cast and audience. The incident spawned a TV industry term: when an actor leaves a show and their character dies, they’ve been “McLeaned.”

M
cLeaned:
Rosalind Shays (Diana Muldaur)

Show:
L.A. Law

Deadly Plot:
Muldaur played cold-hearted, ruthless lawyer Rosalind Shays from 1989 to 1991 on the NBC legal show. Rosalind manipulated her way to controlling the show’s law firm, sued her (fictional) co-workers, and was despised by audiences. Writers hated her too—the character was so harsh, she was ruining the show. Their solution: kill her. Rosalind died suddenly—elevator doors opened and she walked in, then plunged to her death down the empty shaft, horrifying and delighting viewers. The title of the episode: “Good to the Last Drop.”

McLeaned:
Maude Flanders (voice of Maggie Roswell)

Show:
The Simpsons

Deadly Plot:
Roswell had voiced countless minor characters, but her biggest was nosy, righteous Maude Flanders. After 10 seasons, Roswell asked for a raise from the $2,000 she earned per episode. (The main cast was pulling down over $100,000.) On top of that, Roswell was flying to Los Angeles from her Denver home at her own expense to record her scenes. Producers turned her down, so Roswell walked. Producers found a way to get back at her—they killed Maude. She tumbled over the grandstands at an auto race after being hit by a T-shirt fired from a cannon.