Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader (39 page)

A typical gold brick weighs 27 pounds.

In the 1950s, Volvo experimented with a diagonal seat belt that went across the passenger’s chest, but this presented new problems: in a crash the passenger’s body tended to “submarine” or slip under the belt, at which point the passenger’s neck could catch on the belt, causing severe neck lacerations or even decapitation.

In 1958 a Volvo safety engineer named Nils Bohlin hit on the idea of combining both types of belts—the lap belt and the diagonal shoulder belt—and moving the buckle from the center over to the side. The modern “three-point” seat belt, so called because it is anchored to the car frame on either side of the passenger’s waist and over their shoulder, was born. It became standard equipment on all Volvos (front seats only) beginning in 1963; by 1968 all cars sold in the United States were required to have them. Since then they’ve reduced automobile fatalities by an estimated 75% and have saved more than a million lives.

RESTAURANTS

The oldest ancestor of the restaurant is the tavern, which dates back to the Middle Ages. Typically taverns served one meal at a fixed hour each day, usually consisting of only one dish. According to French food historians, it wasn’t until 1765 that someone came up with the idea of giving customers a
choice
of things to eat. A Parisian soup vendor named Monsieur Boulanger is said to have offered his customers poultry, eggs, and other dishes, but it was his soups, also known as “restoratives” or
restaurants
in French, that gave this new type of eatery its name.

THE NICOTINE PATCH

In 1979 Dr. Frank Etscorn, a psychologist studying addictive substances, was experimenting with liquid nicotine when he accidentally spilled some of it on his arm. A little while later he felt the telltale effects of a nicotine buzz. Nicotine is the most addictive drug in tobacco, but its health risks are far lower than that of the tars and carbon monoxide ingested from smoking. Etscorn’s nicotine buzz gave him the idea that people trying to quit smoking could be given, through the skin, gradually decreasing doses of nicotine as they tried to quit smoking. The first nicotine patches hit drugstore shelves in 1992.

Albert Einstein never learned to drive.

Some roles are so closely associated with a specific actor that it’s hard to imagine he or she wasn’t the first choice. But it happens all the time. Can you imagine, for example...

K
EVIN KLINE AS BATMAN
(
Batman
—1989) Many fans were puzzled when Michael Keaton was cast as Batman, but it could have been stranger: Kline was the first choice. Lacking confidence in his action-star abilities, Kline passed on the role and made
A Fish Called Wanda
instead, for which he won an Academy Award. Other actors offered the role of Batman: Alec Baldwin, Charlie Sheen, Pierce Brosnan, Mel Gibson, Bill Murray, and Tom Hanks.

WILL SMITH AS NEO
(
The Matrix
—1999) After
Independence Day
and
Men in Black
, Smith was Hollywood’s biggest action star. He was offered the lead role in a new action-adventure series called
The Matrix
, but turned it down. Why? Smith didn’t want to be involved in an obscure, dense, low-budget science-fiction mess. Instead, he chose to make
Wild Wild West
, which bombed.

GWYNETH PALTROW AS ROLLERGIRL
(
Boogie Nights
—1997) Director Paul Thomas Anderson liked Paltrow’s performance in his first film,
Hard Eight
, so much that he considered her for the part of Rollergirl in
Boogie Nights
, a movie about the 1970s adult film industry. Paltrow was still relatively unknown and was picking her roles with care. She turned
Boogie Nights
down because of the sex scenes and nudity. Heather Graham got the part.

NEIL DIAMOND AS TRAVIS BICKLE
(
Taxi Driver
—1976) When Brian De Palma planned to direct the film, he almost cast Diamond, at that time a very successful singer. Producers thought
Taxi Driver
would be an ideal debut for Diamond. His dismal screen test proved otherwise. De Palma dropped out and was replaced by Martin Scorcese who chose Robert De Niro to star.

The Lone Ranger
was the first TV show ever to be shown in reruns.

ERIC STOLTZ AS MARTY MCFLY
(
Back to the Future
—1985) Michael J. Fox was the first choice to play Marty McFly, but he said he was too busy filming the TV series
Family Ties
, so the producers cast Eric Stoltz (
Mask, Some Kind of Wonderful
). When Fox had a change of heart, they fired Stoltz even though they’d already filmed several scenes.

MEG RYAN AS VIVIAN
(
Pretty Woman
—1990) Ryan was the queen of romantic comedy in the late 1980s, and the first choice for
Pretty Woman
. But producers didn’t think audiences would find her believable in the role of a prostitute, so they went with a relatively unknown actress instead. The role made Julia Roberts a superstar. (1980s teen movie star Molly Ringwald was also considered.)

WARREN BEATTY AS BILL
(
Kill Bill
—2003/2004) Quentin Tarantino wrote the Bill character with Warren Beatty in mind, but when discussing the character with Beatty, Tarantino repeatedly insisted he play the part “more like David Carradine.” Beatty finally suggested that Tarantino just cast David Carradine. After nearly going with Kevin Costner, Tarantino took Beatty’s advice and hired Carradine.

BILL MURRAY AS FORREST GUMP
(
Forrest Gump
—1994) Murray was strongly considered for the role, but lost it to Tom Hanks, whose work in
Philadelphia
proved he was capable of drama. Murray, on the other hand, was still considered a comic actor.

ROD STEWART AS THE PINBALL WIZARD
(
Tommy
—1975) Stewart declined the chance to appear in the film version of The Who’s rock opera. Why? His friend Elton John convinced him he’d look ridiculous in the garish costumes and psychedelic musical numbers. Plus, said John, the movie was sure to bomb and would ruin Stewart’s career. So who ended up playing the Pinball Wizard? Elton John. He’d wanted the role all along and purposely talked Stewart, the producers’ first choice, out of taking it.

As a student, Nancy Reagan had a part in her high school’s production of
First Lady
.

We’re back with another installment of anagrams—words or phrases whose letters are rearranged to form new words or phrases. We don’t know who writes these things, but we love ’em
.

THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION
becomes
...
UNITE TO REVILE A MONARCH

JAY LENO
becomes
...
ENJOY L.A.

THE LEANING TOWER OF PISA
becomes
...
WHAT A FOREIGN STONE PILE

BRUCE SPRINGSTEEN
becomes
...
BURSTING PRESENCE

EXCLAMATION!
becomes
...
NOTE: A CLIMAX

FRANCIS FORD COPPOLA
becomes
...
COLD POPCORN AFFAIRS

MUSIC TELEVISION
becomes
...
SIT, VOLUME IS NICE

WILLIAM SHAKESPEARE
becomes
...
I’LL MAKE A WISE PHRASE

LOVE IS BLIND
becomes
...
BLOND IS EVIL

ALIEN ABDUCTIONS
becomes
...
TABLOID NUISANCE

A CASE OF MISTAKEN IDENTITY
becomes
...
TESTIMONY INDICATES A FAKE

HELLO KITTY
becomes
...
KILL THE TOY

MEDIOCRITY
becomes
...
ME CRY “IDIOT”

THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA
becomes
...
THE DREAM: FINE CAUSE—TOAST IT.

BETTE MIDLER
becomes
...
DIET? TREMBLE!

ARNOLD SCHWARZENEG GER, THE GOVERNOR OF CALIFORNIA
becomes...
AFTER RECALL, SIGH, AN OVER GROWN NERD IN CHARGE OF ZOO

ADIOS, AMIGOS
becomes
...
I GO, SO I AM SAD

60% of women and 49% of men receive at least 11 e-mails per day.

Our next installment of the history of (almost) everything that ever happened. (Part I is on
page 110
.)

PART II: FROM MOSES TO CLEOPATRA

•
1479 B.C.
Egypt conquers modern-day Israel and Syria, and becomes an empire.

•
1300 B.C.
Moses leads the Jewish slaves from Egypt. The Ten Commandments are codified. The Hittites (in Turkey) develop iron smelting, improving tools and weaponry—the Near Eastern Iron Age begins.

•
1235 B.C.
Athens is founded.

•
1200 B.C.
The Olmecs in southern Mexico now have a calendar, hieroglyphic writing, and the first urban centers in the Americas. The culture will disappear by 400 B.C., but they are believed to be precursors of the Mayan and Aztec cultures.

•
1100 B.C.
The first books of the Bible are written. The Zhou dynasty begins in China. It will last almost 900 years and become one of the most advanced civilizations on Earth, making huge advances in metallurgy, mathematics, astronomy, medicine, art, and architecture. Iron smelting begins in Mesopotamia.

•
1000 B.C.
King David rules Israel; his son, King Solomon, will soon begin work on the Great Temple of Jerusalem. The first Latin tribes settle in central Italy. The Bantu people of western Africa begin the Bantu Migrations, spreading agriculture over much of sub-Saharan Africa. World population: about 50 million.

•
814 B.C.
Phoenicians establish the city of Carthage on the northwest African coast (Tunisia). For 400 years, it will be the primary trade center for the Mediterranean.

•
776 B.C.
The first Olympic Games are held in Greece.

1999 survey: Of 25,500 standard English words, 93% have been registered as dot-coms.

•
753 B.C.
Traditional date for the founding of Rome; approximate time of the writing of the
Iliad
and the
Odyssey
by Homer in Greece.

•
700 B.C.
The Nubians (black Africans from northern Sudan) conquer Egypt; their leaders become pharaohs. Led by King Sargon II, the Assyrian Empire conquers Israel and expels the Jewish people, the basis of the legendary lost tribes of Israel. Musical notation is first used in India.

•
660 B.C.
Jimmu establishes the first Japanese empire. Greeks use standardized coins, initiating the idea of government-sanctioned money to be used in trade.

•
600 B.C.
The next century will see the start of several of the world’s great social and religious philosophies: Zoroastrianism is founded by Zoroaster in Persia (it is the first monotheistic religion to define the concepts of good and evil); Taoism is founded by Lao Tzu in China; Buddhism is founded in India by a former prince, Siddhartha Gautama; Confucius begins teaching the value of education and citizenry in China; and the world’s first democratic constitution is established in Athens.

•
559 B.C.
The Persian Empire is founded by Cyrus the Great, with Zoroastrianism as its main religion.

•
509 B.C.
The Romans conquer southern Italy and start a republic largely based on Athenian democracy. The Adena and Hopewell farming-based civilizations begin on the Ohio River in North America; they are known today for their pottery, elaborate burial rituals, dome-shaped mounds, and large-scale corn cultivation. Nok culture thrives in Nigeria, producing sculpture and iron works, and establishing an iconic style that remains evident in African art today. Europe’s Iron Age begins.

•
469 B.C.
The philosopher Socrates is born in Athens.

•
440 B.C.
Greece is becoming an empire, with Athens as its capital. The reign of Emperor Pericles leads to a golden age of arts, culture, and government. The Celts, a tribe from northern Italy, dominate the British Isles.

•
400 B.C.
The site of London is first inhabited. Plato writes
The Republic
. Ice cream (usually credited to China) is invented.

Ellis Island processed 445,987 immigrants during its first year in service.

•
338 B.C.
Alexander the Great, king of Macedonia, conquers the Greek city-states and expands the Greek empire to Egypt, southern Europe, and northern India, spreading Greek culture and knowledge along the way. He builds the city of Alexandria on the Egyptian coast and commissions its library. The city will become the economic and cultural hub of Asia, Africa, and Europe, and will house the world’s first university.

•
300 B.C.
The Greek mathematician Euclid writes
Elements
, considered one of the most important books on mathematics ever written.

•
260 B.C.
The first gladiator contests are held by the Romans, who now rule most of modern-day Italy. The Indian ruler Ashoka converts to Buddhism, spurring its spread through Asia. The first overland trade routes develop between China and India; they will soon become part of the Silk Road, connecting the goods, innovations, and philosophies of the Far East and Europe. Gunpowder is invented in China.