Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader (59 page)

OUTCOME:
The kitten-eater won.

Ronald Reagan once appeared in a
GE Theater
production of “A Turkey For President.”

It’s about time
.

“Time is very important on television. We buy it, we fill it, we start on it, we must finish on it. And appropriately enough, we occasionally kill it.”

—Alfred Hitchcock

“Tobacco, coffee, alcohol, hashish, strychnine, are weak dilutions; the surest poison is time.”

—Ralph Waldo Emerson

“At my back I often hear Time’s winged chariot changing gear.”

—Eric Linklater

“Time is a river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away.”

—Marcus Aurelius

“The future is something which everyone reaches at the rate of 60 minutes an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.”

—C. S. Lewis

“I have noticed that the people who are late are often so much jollier than the people who have to wait for them.”

—E. V. Lucas

“Time is the coin of your life. It is the only coin you have, and only you can determine how it will be spent. Be careful lest you let other people spend it for you.”

—Carl Sandburg

“Time is the only critic without ambition.”

—John Steinbeck

“You have been warned against letting the golden hours slip by; but some of them are golden only because we let them slip by.”

—James M. Barrie

“You may delay, but time will not.”

—Benjamin Franklin

“I wasted time, and now doth time waste me.”

—William Shakespeare

“The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.”

—Michael Althsuler

“Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.”

—Hector Berlioz

The original Band-Aids were 2-1/2 inches wide...by 18 inches long.

Our next installment in the history of (nearly) everything that ever happened
.

PART III: FROM CAESAR TO CHARLEMAGNE

•
47 B.C.
Roman troops destroy Egypt’s Alexandria library, the classical world’s largest archive of knowledge. As many as 100,000 ancient Greek and Roman texts are lost forever.

•
27 B.C.
Octavius, successor to Julius Caesar, declares himself Augustus, the first Roman Emperor. Rome conquers Egypt, which they will rule for almost 700 years.

•
4 B.C.
Jesus is born in Judaea (Israel).

•
33 A.D.
Chinese silks reach Rome for the first time. Pontius Pilate, Roman governor of Judaea, orders the execution of Jesus.

•
43
Christianity begins its spread: the apostle Paul takes it to Turkey, Greece, and Syria. Thomas takes it to India. Romans invade England for the third time and will conquer it in 77 A.D.

•
64
The city of Rome is destroyed by fire. Emperor Nero falsely blames the Christians, spurring their first persecution.

•
70
Jewish citizens in Judaea rebel against the Romans after the temple is desecrated. Most of the city—including the temple—is destroyed as the Romans crush the uprising.

•
117
The Roman Empire is at its peak. It now extends from the Persian Gulf to Egypt to Turkey to North Africa to most of Europe and Britain. It has more than five million inhabitants.

•
250
The classic Mayan period begins in Central America and Mexico. It will last until 900 A.D., marked by the building of temples, pyramids, and large city-states, such as Palenque, Chichén Itzá, and Tikal. It is also the beginning of the Axum Empire in Ethiopia, which will have prosperous cities along the major trade route of the Red Sea.

Before 1950, Americans bathed about once a week. Now it’s almost once a day.

•
300
The weakening Roman Empire is divided into two halves, eastern and western, with two emperors. The Hohokam people found “Snaketown” on the Gila River in Arizona, employing organized labor to build an elaborate irrigation network. New technology: stirrups are invented in China; warriors can now use swords and spears more effectively on horseback.

•
312
Constantine, emperor of the western half of the Roman Empire, converts to Christianity. This is known as the beginning of the Roman Catholic Church and is the impetus for the Christian domination of the Western world. The first church is built on the site of what will become the center of the Catholic Church—the Vatican. Within 20 years, Constantine will conquer the east and become emperor of a reunited empire. He moves the capital from Rome to Byzantium and changes the name to Constantinople (present-day Istanbul in Turkey).

•
330
Buddhism continues its spread through Asia and is now practiced in China and Mongolia.

•
410
Teotihuacán (in central Mexico) is a highly developed city—and the largest in the world, with a population of about 200,000. The Visigoths, a Germanic tribe, attack and plunder Rome. New technology: Greeks invent the catapult, the first artillery weapon.

•
450
Under the leadership of Attila, the Huns, a nomadic equestrian tribe from central Asia, invade northern Europe and the eastern Roman Empire. Attila’s palace is built in Hungary.

•
476
Rome falls, marking the end of the western Roman Empire and the start of the European Dark Ages. The eastern Roman (or Byzantine) Empire will last another 1,000 years.

•
486
Although he is little more than a tribal chieftain, Clovis expels Roman rulers from Gaul and becomes the first king of France.

•
541
The Justinian Plague, named after the Byzantine emperor, affects the Mediterranean region. By 544 it will kill 25% to 50% of the population. Buddhism reaches Japan.

•
570
Mohammed is born in Mecca.

Ancient Egyptians kept cheetahs as pets.

•
600
Beginning of extensive slave trade from sub-Saharan Africa to the Mediterranean. New technology: Yokes and collars that allow animals to pull heavier plows, and new methods of crop rotation increase production and population. Mayans make paper from bark.

•
610
According to Islamic belief, Mohammed is visited by the angel Gabriel near Mecca and given the word of God, written as the Koran. Mohammed’s flight from Mecca in 622 marks the start of the Islamic calendar and the beginning of the Islamic Era. In 630 his army takes Mecca, and by the time of his death in 632, he will have converted most of the Arabian Peninsula to Islam.

•
640
Caliph Omar conquers Egypt (
caliph
was the title for the religious and political successor to Mohammed). Islam begins to spread through North Africa.

•
656
Ali, son-in-law of Mohammed, becomes caliph. Bloody civil wars lead to a major split of Islam: the majority Sunnis, who will take control, and the Shiites, who followed Ali. The split endures today.

•
670
Only decades from its inception, the Islamic Empire now extends from India through the Middle East and North Africa, soon to expand to Spain and southern Europe. This includes Jerusalem, a holy city to Jews, Christians, and Muslims, who will build the Dome of the Rock mosque on the Temple Mount in 692.

•
756
Pépin III of France defends Rome against invaders. Pope Stephen II crowns him king of France; Pépin gives territories to the pope. This establishes a papal state, sets a precedent for Church-appointed rulers in Europe, and gives the Roman Church actual political power.

•
800
French king Charlemagne (Charles the Great) conquers almost all of Europe. He is crowned emperor by Pope Leo III, marking the start of the Holy Roman Empire in Europe. The first castles are built in western Europe.

And then what happened? Turn to
page 472
.

Living up to the name: Buffalo Bill Cody killed 4,280 buffalo in one year alone.

In China, dragons are revered as wise friends, not reviled as enemies. More serpentine than Western dinosaur-like dragons, they have been at the center of Chinese culture for thousands of years, and still are (just visit any Chinese restaurant and count the dragons). Here’s an old myth about four dragons who would rather help the people than listen to the gods—for which they paid the ultimate price
.

D
RAGON PLAY

Once upon a time, there were no rivers or lakes on Earth. The people had to rely on rain to bring water to their crops. The only water on the Earth was far off in the Eastern Sea. Four giant dragons lived there: the Long Dragon, who was the leader, the Yellow Dragon, the Black Dragon, and the Pearl Dragon.

One day the Four Dragons decided to leave the sea for a little while to play in the sky. They soared and dove, playing hide-and-seek in the clouds. They played for so long that they ventured far from the sea. And it was then that the Pearl Dragon saw something that upset him. “Come here quickly!” he said.

“What is it?” asked the other three. The Pearl Dragon pointed down to the earth. There they saw thousands of people in great torment. Their crops were withering, the grass was yellow, and the fields cracked under the scorching sun. But even though the people were starving, some were laying out offerings of fruits and cakes. Others were praying. An old white-haired woman kneeled to the ground with a thin boy on her back and looked to the sky. “Please send rain quickly, God of Heaven, to give our children some rice to eat. Our food is nearly gone, yet we leave you these gifts so you might find it in your kind heart to bring life to our dying villages.”

A CALL TO ARMS

The old woman’s prayers went unanswered, for the Jade Emperor, whose job it was to oversee all of the happenings on the earth and in the sea, didn’t bother to listen to the lowly people. But the four dragons heard the prayers, and they could not ignore them. “How poor those people are!” said the Yellow Dragon. “They will all die if it doesn’t rain soon.”

Seventy percent of Americans have brown hair.

“You are right,” said the Long Dragon. “Let us go ourselves and beg the Jade Emperor for rain. Perhaps he will listen to us.” So saying, he leaped higher into the sky. The others followed closely and flew up to the Heavenly Palace.

EMPTY PROMISES

The Jade Emperor was displeased to see the dragons enter his great hall. “Why do you come here to bother me? Your job is to stay in the sea, not to meddle in the affairs of the gods.”

The Long Dragon came forward and said, “Please forgive us, Your Majesty. We were merely playing in the sky when we noticed the plight of the starving humans. Their crops are withering and dying. We humbly beg you to send rain down quickly.”

The four dragons bowed and awaited an answer. Finally, the Jade Emperor told them to go back to the sea. “I will send some rain down tomorrow, but you must promise from now on not to bother with humans or annoy the gods. You are dragons of the sea and there you must stay.”

“We will. Oh thank you, Your Majesty.” The four dragons bowed and returned to the sea. But still they looked to the sky and to the land far off where all of the farmlands lay dry. And no rain came the next day. Nor the day after that or the day after that. The people were starving, forced into eating tree bark and dried grass roots. When they ran out of those, they ate white clay. Now ten days had passed since the Jade Emperor’s promise, and still no rain came. The four dragons could see that the Jade Emperor cared only about his own pleasure; yes—it would have to be up them to relieve the miseries of the people. But how?

THE DRAGON BRIGADE

The Long Dragon had an idea. “Look,” he told the others. “Is there not plenty of water here in the sea where we live? More than we or the fish will ever need. We could scoop it up and spray it toward the sky. The water will then fall like raindrops and save the people and their crops.”

The others agreed, but then the Long Dragon realized the flaw in the plan. “If we do this and the Jade Emperor learns of what we have done,” he said, “we may be blamed—and perhaps punished.”

Earliest documented Loch Ness monster sighting: 565 A.D.

The Yellow Dragon replied, “Speaking for myself, I will do anything in my power to save these starving people.” The Black Dragon and Pearl Dragon nodded their heads in agreement.

“So be it,” said the Long Dragon. “We shall save the people and hope we do not come to regret it.”

The four dragons then filled their giant mouths and flew into the sky, releasing the water down to the scorched lands below. They flew back and forth, back and forth, making the sky dark all over the countryside as the water formed rain clouds. The people cried and leaped with joy. “It’s raining! It’s raining! Our crops will be saved!” The wheat stalks raised their heads and the sorghum stalks straightened up. The old woman gave the starving boy a life-giving cup of water.