Uncle John’s Slightly Irregular Bathroom Reader (71 page)

P
OTTY-MOUTH

Sir Winston Churchill, Great Britain’s prime minister during World War II, died in 1965 at the age of 90. So it was big news in January 2004 when his parrot, Charlie, a 104-year-old blue and gold macaw, was discovered alive and well living in a garden store in Reigate, a town south of London. The foul-mouthed fowl was still cursing “@#$& Hitler!” and “@#$& the Nazis,” just as Churchill had taught it to do so many years ago. Even in the darkest days of the war, the bird could always be counted on to shock important visitors and bring a smile to Churchill’s face with its obscene tirades against the Führer.

That was the story the nursery’s owner, Peter Oram, told reporters, anyway.

IT’S TRUE...I SWEAR

Oram claims that his father-in-law sold Churchill the parrot in 1937, and then took it back when Churchill passed away. For a time the bird lived in Oram’s pet store, but he had to take it home after it kept swearing at children. The story attracted the attention of Churchill historians, who immediately went to work looking for more information on Charlie.

What did they find? Nothing. No documentation, no photographs, and not even one person who remembers an opinionated talking macaw.

“My father never owned a macaw or anything remotely resembling it,” Churchill’s 81-year-old daughter, Mary Soames, told the press. “The idea that he spent time in the war teaching it to swear is too tiresome for words.” But despite all proof to the contrary, Oram still insists that Charlie—who he also claims is the oldest bird in England—was once Churchill’s. At last report Charlie was still alive and well...and still swearing at Hitler.

First Lady Eleanor Roosevelt was once the editor of a magazine called
Babies
.

When you were growing up, did anyone ever tell you, “Do as I say, not as I do”? For these folks, it’s a code they live by
.

R
ole Model:
Drug Enforcement Administration agent

Setting an Example:
The agent—whose name was not released—gave a gun safety demonstration to a group of 50 adults and children in Orlando, Florida. He removed the magazine from the gun, pulled back the slide, and asked an audience member to look inside to be sure the gun wasn’t loaded. Then the agent accidentally released the slide and—BANG!—shot himself in the thigh. The good news: The demonstration had the desired effect. “The kids screamed and started to cry,” says Vivian Farmer, who brought her 13-year-old nephew to the demonstration. “After seeing that, my nephew doesn’t want to have anything to do with guns.”

Role Model:
Dr. Paul Agutter, lecturer on medical ethics at England’s Manchester University

Setting an Example:
The university fired Dr. Agutter after learning that he had served seven years in prison for attempting to murder his wife. In 1994 Agutter spiked his wife’s gin and tonic with the drug atropine, then tried to cover his tracks by poisoning several bottles of tonic and putting them on the shelves of the local supermarket. Agutter’s wife survived because her drink tasted funny and she stopped drinking after just a few sips. Her husband was caught when security camera tapes showed him placing the poisoned bottles on store shelves. “The university has decided not to offer Dr. Agutter a further contract of employment,” a school official told reporters.

Role Model:
Dennis O’Neil, a priest in southern California

Setting an Example:
A Los Angeles jury awarded more than $950,000 to Maria Vega, a Sunday school teacher who accused Father Dennis of punching her in the head because he disapproved of the way she was teaching catechism. “Mrs. Vega is Catholic and shouldn’t be punched by a priest, particularly in front of her students,” Vega’s attorney told reporters.

Roll of a lifetime: Vivien Leigh used her Oscar as a toilet paper holder.

Role Model:
Pastor Jerry Hayes, 53, a Pentecostal minister in Hartford, Maine

Setting an Example:
Pastor Hayes was sentenced to six and a half years in prison after pleading guilty to robbing five banks during a three-month crime spree. (Total haul: $13,309.) Prosecutors say he laundered the money through church bank accounts, then spent it on things like a camper, a car, and the .38-caliber revolver used in some of the heists. Pastor Hayes was literally caught red-handed during the fifth robbery, when an anti-theft dye pack exploded in his bag of money as he was fleeing the scene.

Role Model:
Bob Bateman, a councilman in Weston-super-Mare, England

Setting an Example:
Bateman racked up the equivalent of $460 in traffic fines in a single day in early 2004 after traffic cameras photographed him breaking the speed limit four times in two hours on the same stretch of road. Bateman blames the cameras, which he says serve no public safety purpose. “If these cameras are used in areas where there’s a history of accidents, that’s fine, but otherwise they are just there to create revenue,” he says. Incidentally, Bateman sits on the council that decides where the traffic cameras should be placed.

Role Models:
Bishop William Ellis of the Apostolic Pentecostal Church of Morgan Park, Illinois; and Father Arthur LaPore of St. Anthony’s Catholic Church in Joliet, Illinois

Setting an Example:
Federal prosecutors charged Bishop Ellis with skimming $1,000 a week from Sunday offerings, as well as using church credit cards and bank accounts for personal reasons. Total haul: Hundreds of thousands of dollars over a four-year period. Prosecutors say he blew the money on trips, clothes, and a second Mercedes to go with the one his church had already bought him.

That same month, they charged Father LaPore with misappropriating $24,860 of church funds,
plus
skimming an additional $100 a week from collection plates and $2,700 from parish spaghetti dinner fundraisers. Father LaPore used the money to buy a $537,000 house. When suspicious parishioners couldn’t figure out how he could afford such an expensive home on his priestly salary, they called the police. Prosecutors say the two cases are unrelated.

Loud noise, aspirin, caffeine, and quinine can all cause tinnitus (ringing in the ears).

Our readers seem to love palindromes, words or phrases that are spelled the same forward and backward. So, on a recent trip to the BRI archives, we pulled out some of our favorite palindromes and used them to create this silly story. There are 52 hidden here (not including doubles). Can you find them all? (Answers are on
page 518
.) Good luck!

O
TTO

One day a zoologist named Otto paddled his kayak to Los Angeles, eating a banana sandwich. He had heard there was something amiss with the animals there and wanted to help. When Otto reached the shore, a familiar voice called out, “Yo, Banana Boy, what’s happening?” Otto looked up and saw his old friend Ed, a general, a renegade who had left the military. General Ed was standing next to his new race car—a Toyota with attitude.

“Wow!” said Otto. “Nice wheels!”

“Yeah, but if I had a hi-fi stereo with a DVD player, it would be perfect,” replied Ed. “Hey, want a ride?”

“Sure,” said Otto, and the two friends headed downtown.

“Pull up, pull up!” yelled Otto as they passed a newsstand. Ed got out and bought the afternoon edition. The headline read “L.A. Ocelots Stole Coal.” Otto read aloud: “Authorities believe the ocelots are being controlled by a giant mutant rat who calls himself King Ognik. Injected with a ‘pure evil’ gene, Ognik had grown to the size of a yak and escaped the lab. Whereabouts: unknown.”

GNU DUNG

The two men were pondering the story when Ed caught something out of the corner of his eye. “Was it a rat I saw?” he asked. Sure enough, there was a yak-sized rat waddling into the L.A. Zoo. “You’re on your own, Otto,” said Ed. “I’m outta here.”

Even though Ed is on no side, thought Otto, his military experience could help. “You have to stay. We must capture that oozy rat in a sanitary zoo and stop him before he infects the other animals!”

Ed paused, then remembered his duty. “I will help you, but we need a battle cry.” So Otto made Ed a motto: “Now, sir, a war is won.” The two warriors then followed the giant rat into the zoo.

Has it happened yet? The pages of this book will eventually turn brown, due to oxidation.

When they were near the entrance, Otto warned, “Make very sure that you step on no pets.” Too late—General Ed walked into a pile of irradiated gnu dung. It started creeping up his leg. Ed screamed but could not move.

“Can’t go on,” Ed said, frothing at the mouth and babbling incoherently. “I am lonely. Tylenol won’t help me now.”

KING OGNIK

Otto, not knowing what else to do, left his friend and entered the zoo. It was the strangest place he’d ever been. Completely devoid of humans, the animals had free reign. To Otto’s right, there was a pride of senile felines fighting over a bird rib. One of the crazy cats looked at him and then ran away. To his left, he saw a llama mall complete with llama stores and llama customers. And down a dark pathway, Otto spotted King Ognik. It looked like some sort of laminated E.T. animal as it ran into a building marked “DNA Land.” Otto followed Ognik into a large room, where the rat sat regally on a throne made of stack cats. Behind Ognik were lots of ocelots holding stolen coal, fueling a cauldron.

“Aha!” said King Ognik, “I knew there would be at least one human brave—and stupid—enough to confront me. I have infected these animals to do my evil bidding. Now you are all that I need to enslave the human race!”

“You dirty rat,” said Otto. “You’ll never get away with it!” “Oh yes I will. Meet my sergeant at arms, Sara Sim.” Out walked an armor-clad ewe with one giant eye. She was pointing a gun at Otto. “Now,” the king continued, “You will take this bar crab to the llama mall and go to a store called Strapgod’s Dog Parts. Then swap for I, a pair of paws. You either borrow or rob it, I don’t care. You see, after the dog paws touch human DNA, they will mix in with this lion oil, thus completing the creation of my vile virus, which will end your insignificant reign on this planet! Miss Sim will accompany you while I prepare a huge party to celebrate the end of humanity. Now go!”

STRAPGOD’S DOG PARTS

They left DNA Land just as all of the animals were gathering for the party. “Don’t make a peep,” ordered Miss Sim. Otto was led into the llama mall, past a store called the Tangy Gnat, and then into Strapgod’s Dog Parts. Once Otto’s hands touched the paws, he knew it would be all over for humanity.
Dammit, I’m mad
!, he thought. He tried to run, but Miss Sim seized him, and Strapgod the llama trotted down from his top spot. Miss Sim told Otto to place the bar crab on the counter, as Strapgod pulled a pair of dog paws from a barrel labeled “Tons o’ Snot.”

The light put out by the sun is equal to that of 4 trillion trillion light bulbs.

Just as the paws were about to touch Otto’s skin, a familiar voice shouted in from the store’s entrance: “Yo, Banana Boy, need some help?” Otto and Miss Sim spun around. It was General Ed, and he had a huge shopping cart full of TNT! It was not a ton of dynamite, but more than enough to blow the zoo sky high. “Let him go, you ewe. If you refuse, I’ll light this fuse right now!”

MAPS, DNA, AND SPAM

Miss Sim released Otto and ran toward the exit to warn the rat king, but General Ed captured her and tied her to the cart. Then Otto stepped up and said to her, “Go deliver a dare, vile dog. Tell your deified demigod that his diseased days of diabolical destruction are done! Not even a rat can live forever of evil.”

Otto lit the fuse on the TNT, and General Ed pushed the party booby-trap into DNA Land as the two heroes ran out of the zoo. Just as they reached safety, a huge explosion rang out, ending the evil reign of King Ognik and his insane animal army.

“Wow! Thanks a lot, Ed!” said Otto. “But how? I thought you were finished when you stepped in that evil poop.”

“Yes, my palindromic friend, it seemed I was done for, but then this senile cat came out of the zoo and gave me a strange gift: a shopping cart full of dynamite, maps, DNA, and Spam.”

“He did, eh?”

“Yes. So I ate the Spam to give me strength, injected the DNA to counter the effects of the gnu dung, used the maps to find you in the llama mall, and you know what I did with the TNT.”

Otto was so relieved. He could name no one man as brave as General Ed. Thanks to them, the world was safe again for both humans and animals. And so, their civic duty done, Otto and General Ed turned to more urgent matters—they were famished. With a hankering for banana sandwiches, they hopped into Ed’s Toyota and drove off to the Yreka Bakery.

Between 800 and 1500 A.D., English law decreed that every male must practice archery daily.

Tired of reading about politics? Has the international news got you down? Take a break from humanity...and have a look at some animals that have been in the news lately
.

B
AD CHOICE

Thieves broke into the Australian Reptile Park north of Sydney. They had to climb over two barbed-wire fences to get in but they made off with a four-foot-long alligator, worth nearly $5,000 on the black market. The crooks had six alligators to choose from, so which one did they steal? The one named Mr. Cranky Pants. A few days later, the alligator was recovered unharmed from a nearby creek, where he’d apparently been abandoned by the thieves. “They messed with the wrong alligator. Mr. Cranky Pants
is
a cranky pants,” says Al Mucci, who works at the park. “He gets moody. That’s probably why they dumped him.”