Unconventional Scars (25 page)

“I bind them. Fortunately they’re really small to begin with.”

“You don’t wear a back brace.”

“It’s a compression vest.” He looked decidedly uncomfortable.

“Then your spine . . .”

“Healed a long time ago. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you the whole truth.”

“The whole truth? The
whole truth
? Alex, you were so far from the truth you couldn’t find it with a map!” Her stomach ached worse. This couldn’t be happening. It just
couldn’t
. She stared numbly at the boy she’d come to love, in a desperate attempt to process this
mad
revelation, searching all the while for some lucid explanation. Some obvious reason why it
couldn’t
possibly be true. Her memory, in
a
twisted act of betrayal, chose instead to point out just the opposite.

His long eyelashes. Remember, Anna? His soft skin. The graceful way he walks. You thought he never took his clothes off because of the scars, didn’t you? Fool
.
And you let him . . . you let him . . .

“Baby, please don’t look at me like that.” He reached for her hand, but she jerked it away. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you. I was just afraid of someone finding out. I never thought things would go this far.”

“We . . . I let you . . . I . . .”

“Listen to me. I know what I did was unconscionable. I do, I know that. And you have every right to hate me. I just need you to know that it wasn’t my intention to let things go so far. Not at first. Dammit, I don’t even
know
what I was thinking. Every time I saw you, every time I was near you, I wanted to touch you so bad . . .”

She fixed her eyes on him. “Well. You sure do
think
like a guy, don’t you? Letting your hormones dictate your actions. This is great. Just great. So what . . . now you’ve turned me into a . . . lesbo or something? What am I even supposed to say to you? I don’t have any idea who you are!”

“I’m still me. I haven’t changed.”

“The hell you haven’t!” She wasn’t quite yelling, but her voice was loud and angry. “How can I even look at you the same? After you’ve been lying to me all this time? Does anyone else know about this? Does your mother know?” As soon as the words left her mouth, she realized how utterly idiotic they sounded. But she couldn’t seem to form any coherent thoughts.

“You’re asking me if my mother knows?” Alex was incredulous. He almost smiled, which only made Anna madder. She jumped up.

“Is this
funny
to you? Dropping this in my lap after playing with my emotions all this time? What is this, your idea of end-of-summer entertainment? You know what -
fuck you!
”

Alex stood up and tried again, unsuccessfully, to reach for her. “Anna . . .”

“Don’t touch me! You’re a fucking
liar
and I want you to
leave
!
Get out
!
Now
!
” She gave him a stone cold look that made it abundantly clear she meant business. Never mind the tears in her eyes. She’d deal with those later.

Resigned, he walked toward the front door
and
opened it,
pausing
only long enough to
direct one last comment her way.
“
You were willing to accept the scars because they were part of me. This is part of me, too. So a
sk yourself one thing, Anna. Did you love me for me, or for what’s underneath my clothes?”

Then
he was gone.

18

When Philip and Lisa returned three hours later, they assumed Anna had
already
gone to bed. And she had,
sure,
but not to sleep. She wondered if she’d ever be able to sleep again. Her pillow was damp with tears
,
and she ached all over. The world no longer made sense. How could
he
have been so blatantly deceitful?
Why had he lied to her all this time? He’d made such a fool of her.

And now, here she was, left with not only the knowledge that she’d never
really
known who
he
was, but now she didn’t even know who
she
was anymore.

A million crazy thoughts raced through her mind.
What did this mean for her? Did it mean she was gay? How could she fall in love with another girl?
It was so hard to fathom that every time she’d looked into those soft blue eyes, another girl looked back at her.

She tried to picture herself kissing Erica or Karen, or even Bailey, and found that she couldn’t. And that made her feel minutely better until she realized she couldn’t picture herself kissing another boy
,
either. Not Sebastian, not Creed or Josh or
Dalton
. . . so what did
that
mean? Once again, she was confused.

She’d been naïve enough to believe that fate no longer sought to ruin her. That life was suddenly flawlessly perfect. She never should have let her guard down, never should have trusted herself to be so happy. It was bound to end in disaster. His casual betrayal served as proof. The beautiful illusion was shattered.

If she hadn’t been so blindly in love, her eyes might have been open enough to see the truth from the beginning.

Bu
t then . . . nobody else seemed to know the truth, either. She hadn’t asked, but she had the distinct impression that even Josh was unaware of Alex’s charade. How was it possible that none of them knew? How could nobody have seen it?

How could you expect them to see what you couldn’t see yourself? You were closer to him than anyone, yet you didn’t have a clue. Never even suspected. You were kidding yourself, thinking that his honorable character was what prevented him from taking full advantage of you. Stupid, stupid girl. To believe in happily-ever-afters.

****

Creed glanced out the kitchen window while loading the dishwasher for his mom
the next
afternoon and saw Anna lying in the front porch swing, next door. He rinsed off the plate in his hands, stuck it in the dishwasher
,
and dried his hands on a dishtowel, all the while mulling over whether
to
get involved.
Although,
he’d
already
gotten himself involved by trying to advise Alex
, who had been locked in his room since last night, refusing to talk to anyone.

That advice wasn’t working out so hot for him.

And so, g
uilty conscience winning out, he headed out the front door and strode over to the Moore place
, wondering why he couldn’t have just kept his big mouth shut in the first place.

Anna, hearing footsteps, was startled but appeared to relax somewhat when she saw that it wasn’t Alex, only his older brother. As he walked up the front porch steps and
approached
her, she gave him a suspicious look; however, she did move her feet out of the way so he could sit beside her on the swing.

For a while neither of them spoke. Creed had never seen her look so awful. She was pale, her eyes rimmed with red
. One hand was wrapped tightly around something hanging from her neck on a silver chain. The other clutched
her belly as if
she was
in pain.
And m
aybe she was. Heartbreak was a painful thing.

Her voice, when she finally spoke, was quiet and flat. “If you’re worried I’m going to tell anyone, don’t bother. I’m not.” She stared off into the distance, her face emotionless.

“This is my fault.” His admission brought no response from the girl. She continued to gaze blankly at nothing.
To say
nothing.

Not even sure if she
would
listen, he began to talk, spilling everything from the very beginning, hoping that maybe
something
he said might erase some of the damage done. It was all he could do for her.

“Ever since she could walk, Lexie was always tagging along after me, trying to do everything I did and be just like me. She never was your typical little girl. She wasn’t, like, afraid of bugs or snakes
,
and she didn’t cry like a baby when she got hurt. You know, that kind of stuff. Never wanted to play with dolls, played with my toys instead. Always drove me crazy. Drove our parents crazy
,
too. The first day of kindergarten, when Mom tried to make Lexie wear a dress, she threw herself on the floor and had one hell of a screaming
fit
. After that, Mom just gave up and let her wear what she wanted, which was usually my hand-me-downs.

“Over the years, we all started to realize that Lexie wasn’t just a tomboy. When she was about nine or so, she took the scissors into the bathroom and whacked off all her hair. She refused to wear anything but boys’ clothes. I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t embarrassed by her behavior. Especially when she got a little older and I had to listen to people call my sister a dyke.

“When she was twelve years old, Lexie informed us at the dinner table one night that she was changing her name to Alex and from that point on, she didn’t respond to any other name, no matter how much it pissed off our dad. He never could understand why she wouldn’t act like a girl should. It frustrated him to no end. Mom was a lot more understanding, but the whole situation caused a lot of friction between her and Dad.”

He took a deep breath at this point, then sighed. It felt
strange
to unload all this after having spent so
much time
trying to pretend none of it ever happened.
Strange
, but . . . good, somehow.
Maybe this
is
why people
go
to therapists.

“So . . . on that night my sister Lexie
left
us
forever,
and was replaced with Alex. My brother. Not a lot really changed between us, but he still caught a lot of flak at school. Nothing we couldn’t deal with though, between the two of us. Maybe I didn’t understand him sometimes, but I loved him enough that I saw red whenever anyone picked on him. I got into more than one fight defending him, that’s for sure. And to be honest, he could hold his own in a fight too, you know? He wouldn’t back down. The guy’s as stubborn as a mule.

“Anyhow, after a couple of years had passed
,
our parents suddenly
decided to divorce.
Out of the blue,
or so it seemed,
although
we
should have seen it coming.
One night
, our dad packed up his stuff and left after we’d gone to bed, without even saying goodbye. Just like that. And . . . I’m not proud of this, but I . . . I blamed Alex. The truth was, our parents had had problems for years, the least of which was a gender-confused kid. But it was easier for me to lay it all on my brother. I couldn’t blame Dad – he wasn’t around anymore. So in my mind, it made perfect sense.

“We left
Toronto
soon afterwards and moved to
Indiana
. Mom has a sister there, and I guess she wanted to go someplace where she had some family. It was around that time that Alex lost it. Even though he was enrolled in school as a male, and nobody aside from the principal knew any better, he still seemed to be battling some demon. I think maybe it could have
been because I placed
the blame on him for the divorce and the move. I
hadn’t wanted
to leave
Canada
. I don’t know . . . all I know is he started hanging out with a bad crowd, sneaking out of the house, drinking, smoking pot. He didn’t bother studying or doing his homework. Mom didn’t know what to do with him anymore. She tried sending him to a counselor, but he’d just clam up and wouldn’t talk.”

Creed paused long enough to study Anna’s face. Nothing there indicated that she was absorbing anything he was telling her. She still stared off into the distance, fixated on the same spot, her brown eyes never wavering. No matter. Reliving the past was proving to be cathartic for him, so he continued.

“One night he slipped out of the house and hitchhiked to a keg party. Keep in mind, he was only fifteen years old at the time. He got pretty drunk. What happened after that . . . well, I didn’t get the full story until months later, after we’d already moved here. Alex didn’t tell me what happened until he was sure there was no chance of me doing something stupid. I guess he knew I’d have gone ballistic.

“So from what he told me, there was this girl there that he hooked up with. They were making out, I guess, when
she
unexpectedly grabs him between the legs and . . . um . . . well, you can imagine. So she freaks out and Alex, drunk as he was, still had sense enough to know it was time to leave. But while he’s walking home in the dark, this girl is busy inciting trouble by telling her ex-boyfriend and all his buddies that she’s been molested by some queer. I have no doubt she embellished it as much as possible, for the sake of drama.