Under Ground (15 page)

"You managed to get yet another A,
Miss Clay," Mr. Johnson resumes once everyone is gone. "I can't
quite understand how, to be honest. You're always distracted,
daydreaming, not to say borderline-insubordinate. I haven't
notified your parents of your attitude because your tests always
come with exceptional results, but I shall be expecting more
attention in class, more participation as well, and fewer snide
remarks on your part." His eyes narrow slightly. "Am I making
myself clear?"

I nod and bite my
lower-lip.

"Don't think I can't hear the
words you mumble to yourself on various occasions, Miss Clay. You
may want to be careful. One could think you were a Sympathizer. I
wouldn't want to see you reported as a potential threat to our
society."

I nod again and lower my eyes. I
should probably heed his warning, but all I've been able to think
about is that someone possibly saw me with Chi at the Arch
yesterday. And if they did, Chi and I could be in deeper trouble
than even Mr. Johnson can fathom.

"You may leave now, Miss Clay." He
dismisses me, and I run out the door.

I dread going to the Arch.
What
if someone follows me there?
Chi told me not to go directly to
the monument, but to wait behind some bushes until I see him. I
scan the area the entire time for any passers-by. When I reach the
corner close to the Arch, Chi isn't there. I hide behind some
shrubs and wait.

After five minutes, my nerves
slowly give in as crazy thoughts fill my head with paranoia taking
over.
What if someone did spy on us yesterday? What if nothing
happened to me, but Chi got arrested?
I find myself shuddering.
I don’t know where Chi lives. If anything happened to him, I might
never find out. The thoughts course through my brain while fear
grasps my heart in its iron fist. I keep looking around frantically
and decide to give Chi another five minutes.

When he doesn't show up, I step
out of the bushes. That's when I see him—a boy from the back. He
turns around and winks at me. It’s Chi. I’m dizzy with relief,
exhilarated as the adrenaline leaves my body.

Chi is walking away. I follow him
from a distance. He doesn’t turn around to check that I’m catching
up with him. I look a few times behind me, but there is no one
there.

After five minutes, Chi reaches a
house and opens the gate to the backyard. He leaves it open and
disappears inside. When I get to the gate, I step in quickly. Chi
is waiting for me at the corner of the house. He beckons for me to
follow him. He's holding the key to the back door. He turns it into
the lock, walks in, and holds the door open for me. When I'm in, he
closes it fast behind me.

He turns around and takes me in
his arms. He spins me around and kisses me, tenderly at first, and
then more insistently. He spins me around some more before putting
me down. He holds on to me tight, his arms around my lower back, my
arms around his neck. He leans in, looks into my eyes, and smiles.
Eventually, he drops his arms and lets me go. He grabs my hand in
his and we enter the living room on the right.

The house looked small and simple
from the outside, but the inside is nice and spacious. The
furniture is expensive, with leather couches, a glass table, and a
flat-screen TV on the wall over the fireplace. Of course, I’m used
to luxury at home, but my parents’ house feels cold while this
place feels warm and welcoming. The mantel above the hearth is
covered with figurines. It's obvious Mrs. Wilcox put a lot of
effort into the decorations.

“It’s really pretty,” I say while
examining one of the figurines.

“Yes, Jane spends a lot of time
finding collectables. It’s her hobby,” Chi explains. “The Wilcoxes
are at work right now. I told them you’d be coming. I can’t risk
their security without telling them what’s going on. I’m not sure
Neil was happy about it, but I believe Jane
understands.”

“Was she forced into
marriage?”

“Yes, it was an arranged wedding,
but they became fond of each other. They were my parents’ friends,
remember. They share the same beliefs.”

“Yes, of course.”

Chi sits on a couch and taps the
space by his side for me to join him. I approach him and sit down.
I put my head on his shoulder. His long fingertips come to stroke
my hair.

“I feel safe here,” I
say.

“I know. I’ve been feeling safe
ever since I moved here. But there’s always a shadow lurking in the
dark. I constantly need to watch my back and make sure I don’t slip
or make a mistake. I have to remember the Wilcoxes are supposed to
be my parents. I have to turn around when people call me by their
son’s name. It took a while before I got used to that.”

“What is their son’s name? What
name do you go by in society?” I ask.

“Their son was named Jordan. At
school and everywhere else, I go by that pseudonym. With people I'm
close to, I go by my real name.”

“Do you sleep in his
room?”

“I actually sleep in the guest
room. It was too hard for Jane to give me Jordan’s room. No one
needs to know since no one visits the bedrooms. Jordan’s room was
left exactly as it was when he had his ‘accident.’ That’s what Jane
calls it when she talks about it.”

“So, you keep all your things in
the guest room?” I ask.

“Well, I don’t really own a lot. I
lost everything when my parents were taken. Possessions don’t
matter, Thia. I don’t need objects in my life to fulfill me. I’ll
probably lose it all again soon, so what’s the point.” He
shrugs.

I think about my own bedroom.
Despite the lack of warmth in my parents’ house, my bedroom has
always been my refuge. There are things I hold on to dearly, such
as my notepads, my diaries, and my poetry books. I admire Chi for
his practicality, but as his words resonate inside my head, they
sting me deeply. Chi has nothing to lose, and life doesn’t matter
as much to him as the goal he has set for himself.

I remember the nightmare I had the
other day. Some men were chasing Chi. Gunshots echoed all around me
as Chi fell to the ground. "Remember, I have nothing to lose," he
said, and as the words came out of his mouth, they shredded my
heart. I want to believe I mean enough to Chi that he would care
about life. My own craving for death has disappeared. When I met
Chi, everything changed and the sadness overwhelming my heart just
went away. I no longer seek my own demise. I no longer wish to die.
I want to live. And I wish Chi felt the same way too, but his
defiance of our system often verges on a thirst for
self-destruction.

He catches me in my contemplation.
“Excuse me if I don’t show you my room," he says with a wicked
grin. "I don’t want you to get the wrong idea."

I blush profusely. His hint is
obvious. Chi doesn’t know about my fear of intercourse, and his
joke unsettles me. I’m glad he’s open enough to laugh about it and
that he's not considering it an option yet. But his remark bothers
me. I clear my throat.

He catches on to my mood. “Are you
okay?" he asks. "Did I say something wrong? It was just a joke, I
promise." He lifts his hands up in defense.

I flush even more. The temperature
inside me suddenly rises. I don’t know how to respond. I don’t want
to make a fool of myself, but I might as well just come clean about
it now. If the thought has crossed his mind, I have to let him know
that it won’t happen—not anytime soon at least.

“Hum.” A ball of discomfort has
lodged itself between my vocal cords. “I've never done…you know.
I've never done it before.”

“Well, of course. I wouldn’t have
expected you to,” he replies, as if it makes complete sense. I’m
not sure if I should take that as a compliment or an
insult.

He sees the vexed look on my face
and explains himself. “Thia, girls aren't supposed to have sex
until their pre-nuptial night. I know the rules. I mean, some girls
break that rule, but the consequences are not worth it. I wouldn’t
have expected you to have done anything yet.” He looks at me
tenderly as he says it.

“Yes, but I’m not comfortable
talking about it either. My friend Melissa, she talks about it as
if it were the best thing that could ever happen to her. Whereas
with me, I don’t know; it just terrifies me.”

“Well, everyone’s different,
Thia.” His hand reaches for my chin and his index finger caresses
the side of my mouth.

“Haven’t you…I mean, with another
girl...”

“With whom?” His mouth tilts up,
in the tiniest reassuring smile.

“I don’t know. You’re handsome. I
thought that maybe—”

“Thia," he cuts me off, "I’ve had
more important things to do. I mean, really. I’ve had more urgent
issues on my mind. Well, that was until I met you," he adds, his
eyes traveling up and down my face. "Now you seem pretty important
too, and I've made it my goal to save you.” He sends me a
mischievous smile before his mood turns sour. “What I mean
is...imagining you and William together..." He inhales sharply, and
a groan rises in his throat. The emotional tremor in his voice
pains me. "When I think about it, it drives me crazy. It makes me
want to break his jaw.”

“The pre-nuptial night isn’t for
quite a few months I’m sure, so we don’t have to worry about it
yet,” I try to soothe him.

“I guess not. But don’t you
though? I mean, don’t you worry about it?”

I don’t reply. The answer is
obvious to the both of us. I avert my eyes and clear my throat.
“Where is this going, Chi? What’s the point of us meeting? It’s not
as if we could ever really be together.”

“Is that what you truly believe?
That this is pointless?”

I lift my eyes just in time to
catch a glint of pain shooting through his eyes. Shame squeezes my
heart. Of course he believes we stand a chance. The choice is only
mine to make after all. It’s all up to me. Chi has tried to talk me
into joining the Underground, but I’m scared. It would be a big
step, a choice that would change my life forever. If I left my
current situation, I wouldn’t have anywhere to go. I'd have to put
all my trust in him. Girls like me can't just roam the streets on
their own—not unless they want to end up in a camp or be forced to
sell their bodies as prostitutes.

Chi probably takes me for a
coward, but he never says anything. He always nods, never wanting
to rush me. I still need to think all of this through, and I don’t
know how to tell him that. I don’t know how to confess to him that
I'm still terrified. I just know that I miss him every second of
each day and that I wish I could be with him without having to make
such a difficult decision.

He looks at me, his face serious,
unsmiling. “I've already made up my mind and I’m not turning back.
I want to be with you. I want to bring you along with me, but I
can’t force you, and I understand that it's a lot to
ask.”

His words sadden me. I'm being
selfish. Being with me might prevent Chi from reaching his goal,
but he won’t leave me behind. He had to make choices of his own,
difficult ones, but he did it without any second thoughts, it
seems.

“The Wilcoxes will be here soon,"
he says. "They know you’re here, but I don’t want them more
involved in this than they need to be.”

Despite his general kindness,
Chi's tone has turned cold. He's putting himself in terrible danger
just to be with me. I want to tell him that I have chosen already.
I want him to know that I've chosen
him
—that I chose him
over William the moment I saw him. But I'm too much of a wimp to
speak the words and expose the truth hiding inside my heart. I look
at him, but there is no joy left in his eyes. He takes me to the
back door.

"Will you be here tomorrow?" he
asks. His question hurts because it's filled with doubt. He doesn't
even trust me to come back to him.

I nod. Once. And then again,
emphatically, to let him know that yes, I will come back. I will
always come back, for as long as I'm able to.

"I won't be waiting at the Arch.
Just come directly here. Okay?" He holds on to my arm, kisses me,
and then he lets go.

I walk out and look back, but he
has already closed the door and turned the bolt like a lock on his
heart.

Chapter 20

I messed
up
with Chi yesterday,
and I want
to fix it. I spent all night worrying about him. I haven’t made up
my mind yet, but I want with all my heart for us to be
okay.

Mother snaps her fingers in my
face when she sees that I'm not listening. She has brought a letter
to the counter where I'm eating breakfast. It’s official news; the
envelope has been sealed shut with a stamp. It’s addressed to me,
but Mother has opened it already.

She's holding it in her hands, and
there's a huge grin on her face. It can’t be good. My mother never
smiles. She strokes the paper as if it's the best thing in the
world. When she starts reading the content, the words tear my heart
apart. The sudden pain stabbing at me is unbearable. I'm breaking
apart as complete despair crushes me down. I want to
die.

Mother is holding the official
pre-nuptial announcement. It was delivered in person this morning
by one of William's servants. I am to meet him two days from now
for our first night together. It will happen on Saturday. Today is
Thursday. I shiver.