Authors: Joanne Schwehm
“I promise to call. Didn’t you say something about dinner?” Chance
informed me we were having tuna salad, grapefruit wedges, and carrots. “That’s
all the right food for my eyes, right?
“That is right.” He laughed. “I have to do what I can.”
“Chance, I’ve been thinking about something, but if you think it
is too weird, let me know and I’ll be fine with it.”
“Okay, what is it?”
I took a deep breath and swallowed hard. “Will you kiss me?” He
said nothing. The silence spoke volumes. “Never mind, I shouldn’t have asked
that. I just feel close to you right now, and I miss—”
“Shhh.”
He took my face in his hands. I tried to focus on him, on his
face, but I couldn’t see anything, not even a shadow. He gave me a kiss on each
cheek, then my nose, and a gentle one on my lips. I barely felt it. He rested
his head on my shoulder. My hand grazed his back, and he flinched. I never
thought that this might not be what he wanted, but I really wanted him. I didn’t
know what it was—my conversation with him earlier, the excitement of my
eyesight doing weird things, or was it my conversation with Alex? He reminded
me so much of Alex in the beginning of our relationship. All the good things that
made me fall in love with him, I was feeling with Chance. What was I doing? “I
am really sorry; I shouldn’t have asked you to do that. It wasn’t fair of me.”
“It’s fine; actually, that kiss was really fine.”
I smiled. “Yes, it was, but it was wrong of me to ask it of you.”
“You’re not over him, are you?”
Was it that obvious? “No, I guess I’m not.”
Would I ever be over Alex Logan? Did I want to be? I knew I
needed to be. Crap! Get out of my head, Alex Logan!
He changed the subject. “Guess what I got?
Glace au citron
.”
“Lemon ice? Isn’t it melting?”
“It isn’t here; it is in my apartment. It’s getting late. How
about tomorrow night I will cook you dinner and we can have some fabulous
frozen citrus treats?”
It dawned on me that he bought it because he read that citrus
helped keep eyes healthy. He was really something. “That sounds wonderful.”
I called Dr. Beaumont, and his receptionist told me that
he had a cancellation at ten this morning and that I could come in then. I
showered and got dressed, grabbed my tote bag and my necessities, and went find
my mom. My dad was out to breakfast with his buddies this morning, so I knew
she would be in the kitchen at the breakfast bar. I started seeing shadows
after my shower, and I was hoping they would last this time. Using my walking
stick, I made my way to the kitchen.
“Good morning, sweetheart. Would you like some breakfast?”
“Good morning.” I kissed both her cheeks; I could see her shadow
and what looked like a glass of orange juice in front of her.
“Have any more orange juice? It looks good.”
“You can see my orange juice? This is the best day ever. I need
to call your dad! We need to celebrate. We should go see Dr. Beaumont.”
“Slow down.” I couldn’t help giggling. “I see shadows, outlines,
some light, and some colors. It’s fuzzy and it comes and goes. I already made
an appointment to see the doctor; I was hoping you would come with me.”
“Of course I will! Let me go change, and we’ll have Frank take us
into town. Then we’re having a girls’ day, and I’ll make a wonderful dinner
tonight.”
“That sounds so wonderful, but I have dinner plans with my
friend; he’s cooking for me.”
“I didn’t want to say anything or interfere, but you’ve been
spending a lot of time with him, and I don’t even know much about him. I really
haven’t wanted to bring this up, but what about Alex? Are your feelings for him
gone?”
“We really need to go. Can we talk about this on the way to the
doctor’s office?”
“Yes, but we will finish this.” My heart was racing; I could hear
my heartbeat in my ears.
As promised, the conversation commenced as soon as we pulled away
from the house.
“So tell me, Aubrey. I want to know what you’re feeling right
now. When you were here with Alex, Julie, and that other nice young man, what
was his name again?”
“Brett.”
“Yes, Brett. You and Alex were head over heels for each other and
everyone was happy. I know he hurt you, and believe me I am extremely upset
with him, but I also saw him in the hospital. The desperation in his eyes when
you wouldn’t see him . . . He obviously loves you. A love like that doesn’t go
away in a few months. Now there’s this man, Chance. Do you have feelings for
him? Does he have them for you? I just want to know what’s happening, baby; I
need to make sure you’re safe. You don’t want to hurt Chance the way Alex hurt
you.”
Holy barrage of questions! “Gee, Mom, let’s see, where should I
start? Chance and I are just friends, at least for now. I think he’s a
wonderful man and I feel close to him. He even saved my life when I went for my
MRI appointment.” I knew I sounded irritated.
“What the hell happened? Saved your life how?”
“Apparently, a car almost hit us when we walked out of the office
building. Chance pulled me back as the car sped by.” Realization dawned on me. “Theoretically,
he saved my life before that. He makes me laugh, he describes clouds for me, he
listens, he talks, and he cares. So, yes, I like him very much, and as far as
Alex goes, I will always love Alex, and I really don’t know what to do about
that.”
“Let me ask you this. If Alex and Chance were standing side by
side, who would you go to? Want to talk to? Spend time with?”
I had no idea. We pulled up at the doctor’s office, and my mom
took my hand in hers. “You don’t have to answer that question. Just think about
it. Think about how each makes you feel and how you feel about each of them.”
Doctor Beaumont saw us shortly after we arrived. He looked at my
eyes, and I could see the little light that he was using to look in my eyes. “Looking
better, Aubrey, and I have your MRI results here. It looks as if the swelling
is going down, but there is still some fluid that should be eliminated. It will
relieve the pressure around the optic nerve. A diuretic will be administered
during the procedure to prevent swelling and increase the absorption of
cerebral fluid. Once the fluid is gone, the swelling should as well; you could
regain some of your vision, if not all of it.
“Okay, sign me up. Tell me when and where, and I’ll be there.” I
was dead serious. I didn’t care if I had to go to Timbuktu, I wanted this and I
wanted it yesterday!
“Well, my colleague that I generally refer patients to happens to
be in the States. He is actually at NYU, teaching a fellowship class. Aren’t
you from New York?”
“Yes, I am. So if I go to New York, how soon could he do this?”
“I will contact him and get back to you by the end of the week. But
if he can get the room, I am sure that he will take you right away.”
Right away . . . I could be in New York right away? Holy shit! I asked
my mom for guidance on what do to do, but she knew that I didn’t need any
guidance. There wasn’t a chance in hell that I wasn’t going home.
“We’ll wait for your call and make the plans then. Thank you so
much.” My mom’s voice was beaming as if the doctor had told her that her baby
would be back to normal. On the one hand, I wanted to squash that thought so
she wouldn’t get her hopes up, but on the other hand, there was that chance
that this would work. All I needed was to keep the faith and take this chance. Chance
. . . I needed to tell him that I was going to be leaving soon.
We left the doctor’s office and went to lunch. My mom was literally
bouncing as she strode down the cobblestone path. “Honey, take my hand; this
walkway is uneven.” I did as she said and she led me into the café.
“Mom, thank you. I know this has been a difficult few months. First,
my relationship with Alex, which I know you didn’t approve of at first, then
the accident and my vision loss.” I wasn’t going to cry. There was no reason
to. With the exception that my heart broke when I thought of Alex, I had a
serene feeling about this entire experience.
Should I call Alex and tell
him?
My mom sighed. “The only thing that matters to me is your health
and happiness.”
We had a delightful lunch and we went shopping. My mom wanted to
get some traveling clothes for both of us. I was starting to wonder if I should
just stay in New York after my surgery, especially if was successful. That was
where my life was and my home. Brian said that he would take me back when I was
ready, and there were Mark and Julie, not to mention Alex.
My mind was all over the place. I didn’t want to get ahead of
myself, but what would happen if I did go home? How different would things be? Would
Chance visit me? I needed him, but sometimes I felt as if I needed Alex more. There
was definitely a connection between Chance and me, but the love I had for Alex was
fierce.
I decided to think this out. First, I should have never lied to
Alex. Second, he should have talked to me, because he should have known I loved
him. Lastly, he should have never kissed that slut or anyone else. I know it
didn’t mean anything; it was just the way it happened. Could I get past that? Did
I want to?
“Aubrey, are you listening to me?
I hadn’t heard a word my mom had said. “I’m so sorry. I was
thinking of New York.”
“I said your father and I are coming to New York with you. We’ll
stay in your spare bedroom until we figure out what comes next, okay?”
“Sure, okay.”
We finished lunch, and my mom informed me we were going to shop
Paris style. She sounded as happy as I was that my mom finally seemed more like
herself. I realized that my injury affected everyone in my life. I tried to be
understanding of that and made sure it wasn’t all about me all the time.
We were walking arm in arm because my vision had returned to
complete darkness. “Can you describe where we are? Just tell me what you’re
seeing.” That reminded me of what I had asked Chance when we were at lunch,
except he’d been looking at me. He’d called me beautiful. The only other man who
ever called me that was Alex. My heart swelled and hurt every time I thought of
him.
“Sure, honey, the stores are lined up along both sides of the
street; picture New York, but a little cleaner.” My mom laughed. “There are restaurants
and cafes mixed in. You won’t find a hot dog stand, but you will be able to
purchase fresh foods. Right now, we are about to walk into Givenchy; I am going
to spoil my baby today.”
My mom had me trying on all sorts of things; I wasn’t even sure
what I had purchased. I told her that I wanted something pretty to wear to
Chance’s tonight. My mom had me try on a dress that felt incredible. I wasn’t
sure what the material was, but it felt amazing. It hit my legs just below my
knees.
My mom started to sound like an announcer at a fashion show every
time I tried something on; she was helping me with zippers and making sure that
I had everything in the right place. Then she would leave the room and ask me
to come out. “Aubrey is wearing a V-neck black sheath dress by Givenchy. It is
sleeveless showing off her toned arms.” I started laughing. “It fits her body
perfectly, as if it were made for her.”
“Does it look that good?”
“Oh, it sure does. You’ll see someday soon.”
“I hope so. What about shoes? I can’t wear running shoes or flip
flops. Can we look at a low-heeled pump?” I was accustomed to wearing high
heels, but I didn’t want to fall on my ass or break a leg, so I wanted to go
with something lower, just not a flat. I needed to feel feminine.
“Of course, we’ll go look after I pay for these purchases.”
We left with apparently two shopping bags and a garment bag. I
knew that Givenchy was not an inexpensive store, but my mom wouldn’t let me put
anything back or help pay for the purchases. We were on our way to find shoes,
and my nose stopped me in my tracks. Yes, my nose. My mom was tugged back at my
abrupt halt since we were arm in arm.
“What is that smell? Are we near a florist?”
“Actually, it’s a flower vendor on the street.” I started rubbing
my wrist and my eyes filled up.
“What is it, Aubrey?” It must have dawned on her. “Where is your
bracelet?”
I inhaled deeply. “I gave my bracelet back to Alex. I actually
threw it at him.” I wiped my eyes, which now had tears dripping out of them. I
felt a tissue tap my cheeks. We started walking away from the scent, but I felt
as if my skin had absorbed it.
Before we went looking for shoes, we sat down and had coffee. I
needed to talk to someone about my feelings. “Mom, can we talk about
something?”
“Of course, honey.”
“I’m having such conflicting feelings right now. I really like
Chance; he is amazing. He is sweet, caring, and right now my best friend. Part
of me wants to pursue him, but I feel closed off and taken. I feel as though I
still belong to Alex, that his hold on my heart is so strong that I can’t get
it back from him, even if I wanted to give it to someone else.”
“Are you saying that this Chance fellow likes you? Do you like
him?”
“I don’t know, Mom. I do like him. I really do, but I love Alex. I
really don’t want to be with anyone else. I don’t want to be a burden and bring
him down with me.” I dropped my head in my hands. “I’m so confused.”
“As much as I would love to answer these questions, they’re only
for you to answer. But you need to ask yourself this: if you saw Alex right
now, what would you do? Would you hug him? Would you want to kiss him or slap
him? All I know is my little girl’s heart is broken, but you need to decide who
can fix that. Remember you are never a burden to someone who loves you.
I thanked my mom. She helped, but in some ways, I was more
confused than before. We bought a pair of low-heeled shoes and went back home. I
was getting tired, but I needed to get ready for dinner at Chance’s. My mom
brought in our purchases and hung them in the closet. She had my closet
arranged in the order of tops, bottoms, sweaters, and jackets. She had my
braille instructor make tags for the hangers so I knew what I was putting on.
“I laid the dress on your bed. Call me when you’re ready, and I’ll
zip it up for you. Your shoes are on the floor at the foot of the bed.”
I thanked her, and she left me to get ready.