Chapter 13
“You did what!” Miss Cora yelled.
“I've moved out of the house.” Derrick shrugged his shoulders like it wasn't a big deal.
“You can't be that crazy. How could you leave Staci?” Her son's stupidity was enough to make her sit up in bed. She'd been feeling weak all day, but the anger brought on by her son's revelation gave her a much-needed energy boost.
“Mama, you don't understand.”
“What is there to understand? You left your wife and for what?”
Derrick stood there with his hands in his pockets and his head lowered, just like he'd done all his life after he'd done something wrong. Like the time he loaned Miss Cora's car to his so-called friends who, in turn, participated in a street race, getting the car impounded.
“Baby, sit down.” Miss Cora patted the space beside her on the hospital bed placed in her home. Derrick quietly obeyed. “Derrick, I'm not going to be around much longer,” she began. “I need you to really hear what I am about to say.”
“I'm listening, Mama.”
“Derrick, I want you to forgive me for you not having a father around.”
“That's not your fault,” he protested.
“Yes, it is partially my fault.” Miss Cora nodded her head. “Baby, I knew before I lay down with John Archer that he was a married man with no intentions of leaving his wife. He told me the first day he flirted with me that he was only curious. I was well aware that he kept coming back because of the sex and not because of me. He didn't love me. I was playing with fire, and I got burned, but not in a bad way. I got you. Derrick, you have been the joy of my life.”
Derrick smiled. “I know, Mom. You tell me all the time right after you call me certified crazy.”
“Baby, I should have picked a better father for you or at least provided a positive role model for you, but I didn't and for that, I'm sorry. If I had, you wouldn't be so insecure and screwed up right now.”
“Mama, what are you talking about?” He disagreed with her. “I never said I'm insecure.”
“That's the problem; you won't admit it. But not having your father has left you with a fear of rejection and insecurity.”
Derrick turned away from her. She was right, but he wasn't ready to hear it, not yet.
“That's why you keep shutting Staci out; you're afraid that if she sees the real you, she'll reject you. That's why you won't share your feelings with her. That's why you left her, but baby, you're too late. She sees the real you just like I do, and she accepts you. I accept you. It's time you for you to accept yourself for who you are, so God can heal you.”
She sounded like Pastor Reggie. “Mama, it's not that easy.”
“And losing your wife is?”
Derrick's jaw flexed, and his eyes darkened. Why didn't his mother understand how he felt? Why should she?âhe really didn't understand himself.
Miss Cora continued. “Derrick, go home and talk to your wife. Staci's a good wife. Don't make her suffer for my and John's shortcomings.”
Derrick swallowed hard, but didn't say anything. Miss Cora gently touched his arm. “Baby, I know it's hard, but with God, it's possible.”
Derrick couldn't admit to his mother he hadn't talked to God in so long, God probably wouldn't recognize his voice. He couldn't tell his mother that he felt like a failure as a Christian since he and Staci committed fornication. He couldn't tell her how he felt guilty about the abortion. He couldn't tell her he was afraid. He couldn't tell her any of that. What he did was kiss her on the cheek, told her he loved her, then left.
On his way back to his studio apartment, he stopped by his house. He was both relieved and disappointed when he didn't see Staci's car. Inside their bedroom, he fought and won over the urge to break down. He missed his home so much. In the three weeks he'd been gone, nothing had changed except the closet he once occupied was now completely empty. His chest and underwear drawers were empty also. His tie rack was bare. Staci had boxed up his remaining clothes and personal belongings. Before locking the door after loading the last box into his SUV, he grabbed a framed picture of Staci from the mantle. The peaceful image would have to be enough for now.
Chapter 14
Staci spent Saturday morning housecleaning and trying to keep herself from crying. When she returned home last night, the boxes she'd pack for her estranged husband were gone. The hot anger she had when she packed them had dissipated and now was replaced by an overwhelming emptiness.
Staci was determined to move on with her life despite how hard the task was. The nights were the worst. No matter how distant they'd become, she and Derrick always slept with his arms around her. Now, her king-sized bed was cold and uninviting. She tried unsuccessfully to substitute his lack of presence by changing her bedding and traded in the black and gold motif for an emerald green jacquard design. She thought the warm green would add warmth to the bed, but it didn't. The sheets were still cold.
She'd been tempted to call and tell her estranged husband off on a few occasions, but what would that solve? It definitely wouldn't bring him home. With each day he was gone, she wondered if she really wanted him back. After service on Sunday, she did, but by Tuesday, she didn't care if she ever saw him again. Then last night, she wished she'd been there when he came so she could see his face and hear his voice, or perhaps feel his soft hands against her skin.
Staci had just finished cleaning the refrigerator when she received a call from Miss Cora, apologizing for, as she put it, “her crazy son.”
“Staci, this doesn't change our relationship. If I'm still living, I want to see you at my birthday party,” Miss Cora told her. “Hopefully, by that time, you and my son will have worked everything out. Honey, I know he's going to come around, but before you let him back into your good graces, make him beg. Make him think he's never going to get back into your bed. That way, he'll appreciate you more when you do open up to him.”
Staci laughed at her mother-in-law's reference to sex.
“I'm not playing. Hold out as long as you can.”
I'm going to miss her when she passes on,
Staci thought sadly after she hung up. Miss Cora was something else. She was the one who gave Staci handcuffs at her bridal shower.
“I should've used those handcuffs to keep his behind at home,” Staci grumbled in frustration.
No sooner had she sat down in the den with the remote in hand, her doorbell sounded. To her surprise and delight, it was Shannon and Lashay, carrying grocery bags.
“What are you two doing here?” Staci relieved some of the bags and walked toward the kitchen. They followed.
“Checking on our girl,” Shannon answered, after placing the remaining bags on the counter.
“That's nice of you, but what's with the groceries?”
“This is for the slumber party,” Lashay smiled after hugging her cousin.
“What?”
Shannon explained. “We're sleeping over tonight. Marcus is away at an engagement this weekend. His plane doesn't land until eight o'clock in the morning.”
“And what about Brian?” Staci questioned.
“He's on a ministry trip with Reggie. So that leaves us with some time alone to cheer you up,” Lashay smiled and patted her shoulder.
Staci smiled too, but her smile didn't last long. In no time, she was leaning over the counter crying. “Thanks so much for stopping by, but you really don't have to stay,” she managed between sniffles.
“We're more than relatives; we're friends, and right now, you could use your girlfriends,” Shannon said. “So stop protesting and sit down. We're going to handle everything.”
Lashay began unloading the bags. “We're making tacos and s'mores. You can't have a slumber party without something to drink so we brought this to help you drink your troubles away.” Staci smiled when Lashay pulled out three bottles of her favorite sparkling pear cider. “We also have pickles and peppermint sticks and ice cream. The pickles and peppermint are for us, but you can eat the ice cream; it's Ben & Jerry's.”
“For our viewing pleasure, we have five of the hottest DVDs. One each: drama, comedy, action, suspense, and love story.” Shannon fanned the disks in her hand.
“You guys have thought of everything.” Staci was about to cry again, but Shannon stopped her.
“No more crying. We're here because we love you. Now go on into the den and sit down.”
Staci quietly obeyed and thanked God for a cousin and a sister-in-law like Lashay and Shannon. Their company was a welcomed distraction.
In record time, the two pregnant women prepared the food and the girlfriends feasted on chicken tacos. Afterward, Staci propped pillows on the floor and they roasted s'mores in the fireplace. Each had a flute of cider in hand.
Staci sat relaxed with her eyes closed as she leaned against the marble fireplace. The sounds of Kenny G played in the background.
“What happened?” Lashay finally asked. “I mean, I thought you and Derrick were happy.”
Staci opened her eyes and took a sip of cider before answering her cousin's question.
“We haven't been happy, at least I haven't been, since the first month of our marriage,” Staci answered honestly.
Lashay swallowed a chocolate marshmallow and probed further. “How could that be?”
“I married Derrick too soon. He wasn't and still isn't ready to share his life with anyone.”
“Is it because he's insecure?” Shannon asked.
Staci wasn't going to mention it, but since it was out there, why deny it. “How did you know?” she asked her sister-in-law.
“I recognized that awhile ago. He displayed some of the same characteristics I'd displayed when I was fearful and insecure.”
“I thought when you guys got married he was over it,” Lashay added.
Staci took another sip. “Unfortunately, he wasn't, and now he says he needs time to figure out what he wants.” She swallowed hard. “Hopefully, at the end of the day, he'll want to remain married. If not, I'll live my life without him just fine.”
“I'll drink to that,” Lashay stated and took a sip of cider.
Shannon touched her arm. “Staci, give him the time he needs. He'll figure it out the same way I did when Marcus proposed to me and I turned him down.”
“What?” Lashay asked. “You turned my cousin down?”
“Is that why you guys had that riff?” Staci questioned.
Shannon nodded. “Marcus proposed to me on his birthday, and I said no because I was afraid and didn't think I deserved him. I was an outcast in my family, and I didn't think I was worthy of his or anyone else's love.”
“No wonder he was so messed up; you kicked him to the curb on his birthday.” Staci shook her head. “My conceited brother needed to be knocked off of his high horse. Now I'll drink to
that
.” Staci savored the bubbly pear flavor.
Shannon further explained. “That was before I knew who I was and accepted myself for who I am. Once I became secure with myself and loved myself, I literally begged Marcus for another chance.”
“You did
what?
” the two cousins laughed.
“I am not ashamed to admit it. I begged my boo for another chance, even got down on my knees.”
Lashay's eyes widened. “Girl, no, you didn't!”
“Yes, I did, and it was the best move I ever made,” Shannon smiled, rubbing her stomach. “I'd just come to grips with who I was and what I wanted. I wanted Marcus, but he said he wouldn't propose again, so I proposed to him. When he refused, I finally told him he didn't have a choice.” All three of them laughed at that.
“I don't think my brother wanted a choice. All he wanted then and still wants now is his âQueen Shannon. '”
“I know,” Shannon paused, “but I wasn't able to fully accept that until I settled the war within myself. Now, I can't imagine my life without him. Sometimes I think I love him too much. It's the same way with Derrick. Once he gets healed, he'll spend the rest of his life loving you with everything in him. Unfortunately, he can't please you until he's first pleased with himself.”
“Maybe you're right,” Staci pondered. She remembered Shannon's insecure days very well. She refilled her glass before she added, “I sure hope you're right.”
“Staci, I don't understand something,” Lashay questioned. “Why did you marry Derrick if you knew he wasn't ready?”
“Well, to be honest, I was afraid of losing him again. We had just gotten back together, and I was afraid that if we waited, I would lose him. I knew then and still know now that he's my ordained mate, so I figured, as long as he's the right one, the timing didn't matter.” She took several sips. “Boy, was I wrong.”
“I know if I had married Brian before I matured, it would have been a disaster. I was way too childish,” Lashay stated.
“We can all drink to that. You don't have to remind me. I was there,” Staci said, then looked at Shannon. “As I recall, you had a lot to do with the game playing.”
Shannon lifted her hands in surrender. “Guilty as charged. See, that's what I'm talking about. When you're insecure, you will do things that don't make sense. You will go after things you really don't want and do things you really don't want toâbut you can't stop because you're driven by the fear of rejection and insecurity of who you are. I was so mixed up. I completely ignored Brian's constant rejections. The sad part is I didn't really like Brian that way. He didn't like me; I didn't like him. I was just wasting time, chasing after what wasn't mine and delaying my real blessingâMarcus. But Staci, you're not wasting time with Derrick. He loves you. That's what will bring him back.”
“I agree with that,” Lashay added. “That's what brought me and Brian back together. We loved each other. We were afraid to tell each other, but we loved each other almost from the day we met. It's our love that helped us through the bad times and taught us how to appreciate each other. And you know what? I wouldn't trade anything for what we have now.
“One day you'll feel the same way about Derrick. You'll look back on this and be thankful it happened.” Lashay took a bite of s'mores, then asked Shannon. “Did I ever thank you for trying to break me and my boo up?”
Shannon threw a pillow at Lashay. “You know your crazy butt didn't.”
“Thank you, girl. I wouldn't be married to the finest lawyer in the world and pregnant without you,” Lashay laughed and threw the pillow back.
Staci laughed at her girls. She loved them both, but how much they loved each other amazed her, considering how they met. While Lashay was away in graduate school, Shannon had tried unsuccessfully to steal Brian. In the end, Shannon found Jesus and moved on. Maybe they were right. If God could work out their relationships, He could certainly work out her marriage.
Before the night was over, the three women danced and sang like teenagers, then watched a tearjerker love story.
Staci had to admit, she still felt the emptiness every time she looked at her girls' protruding abdomens. What she would give to have a baby of her own. The decision to abort her child seemed the right thing to do at the time, but she'd since acknowledged that it had been her emotions talking and not her heart.
Around midnight, Staci couldn't fight the urge to talk to Derrick any longer. She left the peppermint-pickle-eating women in the den and went upstairs into her bedroom and dialed his cell number. He answered on the third ring.
“Hello.”
“Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you,” she spoke just above a whisper.
“Staci, is that you?”
“Yes.”
He hesitated before asking, “Is everything all right? Do you need anything?”
“Everything is fine. I just wanted to hear your voice.”
Why make up an excuse
, she thought.
He's still my husband
.
“Really?” he sounded surprised.
“I miss you.”
There, I've said it. But at least I'm not begging like Shannon did
, she rationalized.
“I miss you, too.” His voice was softer than normal. “I'll call you sometime, if that's okay?”
I would much rather have you come home.
“That's fine, Derrick.” She was going to take Shannon's advice and give him some time. At least he agreed to call. “I'll let you go back to sleep; bye.” There was a long pause before the line went dead.
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Derrick couldn't go back to sleep. Hearing Staci's voice left his longing for her stronger than it had been hours before. He'd spent most of the evening trying to get her out of his mind. Then, just as he dozed off, she called. He had to see her. He had to hold her. In record time, he was dressed in sweats and in his SUV driving down Highway 24. He didn't know what he was going to say to her; he'd figure it out once he got there. His expectations plummeted, however, when he saw Shannon's and Lashay's cars in the driveway. There was no way he could say what he needed to say with them there. It was 1:00
A.M.
, too late for them to drive home so he could have some privacy with his wife. He backed out of the driveway and drove back down Tunnel Road.