Unspeakable Truths (23 page)

“Please, call me Jill.”

He nods at her as he adds cream and sugar to his mug while I sit there in the middle of my kitchen replaying my mother’s words over and over in my head. “You love him.” How did she get that from talking to me for ten minutes, from walking in on us in bed together? Sex and love don’t always go hand in hand so if she’s basing her statement on that she’s dead wrong. Or is she?

I push these thoughts out of my head, choosing instead to focus on the relationship we’re building right now. I’ll enjoy what we have and take it one day at a time.No one needs to profess his or her love just yet, what we’re doing is good enough as it is.

I go to the cupboard, grab the sliced bread, and start making toast for everyone. I listen in as my mom asks Luca about work and he explains in detail how he’s finally settling in and feeling good about his work. They go back and forth, and I’m content to just sit here and watch the two of them find an easy rhythm with each other. Tyler had to work harder at getting comfortable with my mom than Luca does aaanndd…There I go comparing them again. I suppose Morgan was right, it’s going to take time for me to stop doing that and things are going to come up which would naturally make me want to compare the two, but I’m not sitting here willing Luca to change, to turn him more into the kind of man Tyler was. No…I am more than happy with everything Luca does.

“I think it’s about time for you to start sorting through some of Tyler’s and your old things,” I hear Luca say. I take a minute to process his words before putting down the magazine I was sifting through as he looked through some case files.

“You do?”

“Yes, I do because I think you and I both know that you don’t need them, most of it is just old clothes and things that you never even look at anymore. “

“That’s a big step. I just don’t…”

“What?”

“I just don’t even know where I would start.”

“Follow me.”

“Luca,” I call watching him grab a garbage bag from the kitchen and jog upstairs.

“What are you doing?”

“I’m helping you purge the past,” he says grabbing hold of the garment bag that sits in the back of my closet silently taunting me for the last four years. Just another memory of a shattered dream.

“That’s my wedding dress Luca,” I say with steel in my voice.

“I know,” he says tossing it on the bed mercilessly. “Why do you still have it?”

“Because it’s my wedding dress.”

“And what? Are you saving it for the daughter you and he will never have?”

I gasp, shocked by his cruel words, and tears immediately filling my eyes. “Oh my God, how dare you say that?”

I see a flicker of remorse right before he continues his verbal assault. “You’re no longer married Everly.”

“Yes I am.”

“To what? A dead man? Is that the fucking life you want? You want to live in this fucking shrine of the life you never got?”

“That’s not what I’m doing.”

“No?” He questions me almost as if it’s a challenge. He stares at me for a beat before unzipping the bag, opening it to reveal my beautiful custom wedding gown. I close my eyes, because it’s almost too much for me to take in the sight of it now.”

“Look at it,” he says, his voice full of determination. “I want you to open your eyes and look at it.”

I take a moment to gather up strength and courage, it’s just an article of clothing for God’s sake, a dress, nothing more. I open my eyes taking it in. I can still remember the excitement I felt when I tried it on for the first time. My mom and Morgan and I cried tears of joy—we knew instantly that this would be the dress I’d wear when I married Tyler.

Luca rifles through one of my drawers, grabs something, and comes back to the bed. He unhooks and then picks up the gown—in his hands I spot a black pair of scissors.

“Luca,” I warn, my eyes going wide, a bit of panic setting in.
He wouldn’t fucking dare,
I think to myself.

“It means nothing,” he says, taking the scissors to the bodice and cutting in a straight line.

“No!” I scream, lunging for him, but he takes several steps back as he continues with his calculated destruction. He looks up at me, tosses the scissors on the floor, and uses his hands to rip the rest of the dress in half. He pushes the dress into my hands and I clutch it as I fall to the ground and begin to sob uncontrollably.

“There’s a garbage bag on your bed. Have your cry and then throw it out. You’ll feel better once it’s gone,” he says, walking out of the room and leaving me holding the tattered shreds of something that once meant so much. I fucking hate Luca.

I’m not sure how long I sit here, holding the dress close to me. Letting the facts dance around in my head. My husband is dead, has been dead, and this is a dress, a dress that has been sitting in a bag in my closet for four years. I shouldn’t be crying about getting rid of it, it’s just one more thing that I’ve held on to for far too long. I compose myself, picking myself off of the floor and carefully put the dress in the garbage bag. As completely out of line Luca was for pulling this shit, a part of me thinks that maybe it was for the best, a first step in letting go of what once was and will never be again.

I sit on my bed a long time, thinking about the choices that I’ve made, and the choices that I need to make in the near future. It’s daunting, but this was a start. A difficult start, yes, and also not by choice, but it’s a start nonetheless.

“Everly?” I look up and see Luca standing in the doorway arms and feet crossed, leaning against the frame. His posture is guarded as if he’s preparing himself for my wrath. “I’m sorry. I was really out of line.”

“Yeah you were.”

He nods and pushes off from the doorframe crossing the distance between us before coming to sit on the edge of the bed with me. “It seemed like a good plan at the time. The last thing I wanted to do was hurt you.”

“You went about it all wrong but I know your intentions were good. It was just a hard thing to let go of.” I shrug.

“I know.”

“I know it can’t be easy for you, coming to this house, my house with Tyler, and seeing his things everywhere, but up until now you’ve been amazing about it and…I don’t know, maybe we can start off slow, get rid of some of his books and knick-knacks first and work our way up?”

He wraps his arm around my waist, drags me over to him, and places me in his lap. “I’ll help you however you want and you can take as much time as you need.”

“I just don’t want you to think that I’m holding on to him—because I still wish he was here—or that I’m not over it.”

“Everly, he was your first love, your husband. I know that there’s always going to be a part of you that loves him… But are you over it?”

“Every day that I spend with you, it gets a little easier, it hurts less and less and I think maybe part of my problem was that I was lonely, I surrounded myself with his things, his memory, and I shut everyone out. Every day I feel more like the old me.”

“I’m glad that you let me in.”

I snuggle into him, reveling the feel of his arms wrapped around me. Hoping that this will last, that I won’t lose Luca too, because I don’t think I’d be able to handle that kind of loss again. I place a soft kiss on his neck.

“Will you throw the bag out for me?”

He tugs at a strand of my hair. “Of course. I made some dinner.”

“You did?” I love that he can be so thoughtful; taking care of me even when I don’t know that he’s doing it.

“Yeah, I thought you might be hungry, and I wanted to give you some time alone.”

“Thanks.” I smile, coming to stand on my feet and putting this scene behind me. A trashed wedding dress and a decision to purge the past in hopes of a better future.
I can do this
, I tell myself, and for the first time I truly believe it.

I lay snuggled up in Luca’s arms the way I love to be. My head on his chest, his arm curled around my waist, our legs intertwined.

“Why do you like me now?” I question, needing to hear what changed for him after all of these years.

He tilts his head to mine, “What do you mean by now?”

“Come on Luca, you always hated me.”

He shakes his head, “You’re wrong, I never hated you.”

I roll my eyes. “You were mean to me. You were sarcastic, you’d make fun of me all the time, and it was weird because you were so nice to me the first time we met.”

“Being a jerk was easier than admitting what I really felt, or worse, letting anyone else see how I really felt.”

I suck in a sharp intake of breath. “How did you feel?”

“The same way I feel now,” he says, positioning himself on top of me. “Like you’re mine. Like you should have always been with me.”

“Luca,” I whisper, my heart racing.

“I saw you in that bookstore, and I wanted you from that moment on. I hated that you were with him, but even though you were, in my mind I always felt like I had this fucked-up claim on you, and he knew how I felt about you, and he went after you anyway.”

“Wait what? How? Luca, I met Tyler a few days after you. I never saw you after the bookstore, how could he have known?”

“You didn’t see me, but I saw you Ev. My biggest mistake was not making my move when I first met you. I thought I’d get another chance, and I didn’t want to come on too strong.”

“You liked me?” I question in disbelief.

“Baby, I went home afterward and told Ty about you, told him how I met this girl, the most beautiful girl. That night we went to a frat party, it was crazy and crowded, but I spotted you again. I pointed you out to him just as you were leaving. He told me I should go after you but I told him no, you had already left. I figured it was a small campus I’d see you again once classes started.”

“Oh my God.”

“I never thought you’d have a class with him, and he’d make a move on you. I never thought he’d take you knowing how I felt.”

“Luca,” I whisper, tears swimming in my eyes. “I didn’t know. I swear to you, I liked you too. I wanted you to ask me for my number, I wanted you first. I just thought…and then I met him, and he was sweet, charismatic, it was hard not to like him. I was shocked that first time I went to your place and I saw you there, but I thought at least we could be friends. Well you know how well that worked out.”

“I should have been better to you. It wasn’t your fault, but if you would have shown me just once while you were with him that you cared about me, even a little, I would have gone after you, and it would have fucked my friendship with Ty up.”