Unspeakable Truths (30 page)

“Everly that’s great.” She smiles. “That’s more than great, why would you break up with him?”

“I just…”

“You just what? He has the right to make that choice; you actually broke up with him so that he wouldn’t lose his job?”

“Morgan, it was the right thing to do.”

“For who? For you or him?” She shakes her head at me. “Everly! He loves you, and you love him. What are you doing? You of all people should understand how precious love is, how it can be gone in the blink of an eye—and instead of cherishing it, you’re throwing it away?”

“I’m doing it for him,” I half yell. “Why should he be stuck in a life he didn’t want? I know how that feels! Four years of living a life that I never signed up for, I don’t want to do that to him.”

“Yes but you didn’t have a choice, he did. He was given a choice and he chose you, and then you turned around and you took that choice away from him. Do you not see the irony in that?”

“I’m a hypocrite, I already know that, but I’m doing this because I love him.”

“Or maybe you’re doing this because you’d rather lose him on your own terms than lose him in a cruel twist of fate. This way you can manage the hurt and contain the pain.”

Her words sting—they hit home in a way that nothing ever has before. God, she’s right, this is the only way I could lose him and control it, control how it went down, how I dealt with it afterward. I really am fucked-up but what’s done is done and now I need to own it. “It’s over now, it doesn’t really matter.”

“Ev.”

“Can I stay with you for a while?” I ask, needing to change the subject. I can’t talk about this one more minute.

“Umm, yes, of course you know that. Why though?”

I give her a bright smile. It’s fake, but it’s all I have to give right now. “I have an offer on the house. I’m accepting it, and I really need to start over. I need to leave the past behind and that house is one of the things I’m saying goodbye to. I have all of my things boxed up and ready to go.”

“The spare bedroom is all set up Ev, you can have your clothes brought here and you can stay as long as you need.”

“Just until I find an apartment okay?”

She nods her acceptance. “What about work? You have to see him on Monday.”

“I handed in my resignation today. I waited for Luca to leave and handed it to my supervisor. I apologized for not giving notice, he asked me to stay, but when he saw how determined I was he accepted it. All in all I think he took it okay.”

I watch the worry pass through her features. She’s such a good friend, I’m lucky I didn’t lose her with how badly I treated her over the last four years. “What are you going to do for money?”

“I have some money saved up for now, and with the sale of the house, I’ll be okay until I figure out what I want to do. I’ll pay you for the room.”

“No you won’t, it’ll be nice to have someone around here for a little while; living alone can be lonely.”

I sigh, giving her a sad smile. “I know the feeling.”

“You don’t have to be alone Ev.” She grabs hold of my hand and gives it a squeeze.

I nod, suddenly feeling overcome with exhaustion. The emotions of the day are weighing down on me so heavily and all I really want to do is sleep it away. “Would you mind if I just call it a night?”

“No.”

“I’ll just go get my stuff out of the car and grab a shower first.”

“Take your shower,” she says coming to her feet. “I’ll get your bag for you.”

“Thanks Morgan.”

“Anytime babe.”

I stay in the shower for a long time, reliving the events of the past few hours and letting the hot stream of water wash over me. It is scalding my skin, helping me to remember that I’m alive. I’m alive, this isn’t the end for me—I don’t have to go back to being that sad, lonely girl just because Luca is lost to me now. I can still find ways to be happy. I can be alone and lead a good life. Maybe I’ll go back to school, get the law degree like I planned in the first place. I can keep the important people to me close, like Morgan and my parents. I’ve always loved to travel, and I haven’t done that in years. I can take a trip, maybe go to London, I’ve always wanted to do that. This doesn’t have to be that bad; I can do all of those things. Happiness isn’t something that should be wrapped up in one person. So maybe I’ll never have happiness in love, maybe I’ll never have that kind of happily ever after, but I can still live happily on my own terms.

I rifle through my bag, which Morgan slipped into the bathroom during my shower and pull out some comfortable sweatpants and a t-shirt. Luca’s t-shirt, one of the many he’s left lying around my place over the last few months. I can’t help but to wonder what he’s doing right now, how he’s doing. How he’s handling our confrontation earlier, is he as devastated as I am? I hate that I hurt him; the look on his face will haunt me forever. He let me into his life so willingly, so openly giving me everything that was him, and I acted like it meant nothing to me, when really it meant everything. His love is everything to me, and I treated it like it was useless, like it hadn’t changed me for the better. By the time I finally crawl into bed, my body has given out on me, my brain is fried, and I’m grateful that I’m able to fall asleep easily.

~Luca~

I had the weekend from hell. Everly coming to me to break things off claiming that she didn’t love me knocked me on my ass. I was not expecting her to do that, she seemed happy, I know she was happy. Something had to have happened to make her have such a change of heart, but I don’t know what, she gave me nothing. At first I thought Michael had something to do with it, but that would ruin his relationship with Everly, and he wouldn’t do that. It took every ounce of control I had to let her walk out of my apartment, I think I gave it a whole fifteen minutes before I got in my car and went looking for her. I ended up at her house but she wasn’t there, which means she’s either at her parents’ house or Morgan’s place. I decided against going to look for her, she made her choice and I decided to give her some space. That decision nearly killed me and ultimately led to me drinking myself into a stupor for the rest of the weekend. I told myself I’d never let myself feel this way again for her, let her hurt me this way. I can’t blame her for the past, she didn’t know how I’d felt about her all those years ago, but she knows now. She knows, and she still screwed me over.

I chug the rest of my coffee, willing the remnants of my hangover away and rise from my chair, grabbing my notepad and pen before I make my way into the conference room for yet another Monday morning meeting. The thought of seeing her is both nerve wracking and exciting to me. I’m nothing but a glutton for punishment. I can’t help but hope that she’s changed her mind, that she’ll smile up at me and let me know that everything is okay between us. When I walk in the door and take a look around, she’s nowhere to be found. Maybe she called out today so that she wouldn’t have to face me. I wouldn’t put that past her, she’s done it before. Maybe this has affected her after all.

It doesn’t take long for old Mr. Harvey to call for attention. “I called this meeting because we’re going to have to figure out a way to redistribute some of the workload for now. As of today Everly West is no longer with the firm.”

I drop my pen on the table and look up, likely unable to hide the shock on my face. She fucking quit her job so that she wouldn’t have to deal with me. I guess I shouldn’t be floored, but I am, I’m stunned silent. Everly West just never ceases to shock the shit out of me.

If this is what she wants then so be it. Let her live her life however she sees fit, if that means she remains alone forever then fine, that’s her choice. If she ends up moving on with someone else, I’m sure it will sting but eventually I’ll get over it. I have a life to lead and clearly Everly doesn’t want to be a part of that. I’m not about to beg. I tried to show her a different way, God only knows I tried to give her more but when push comes to shove it always goes back to Tyler for her. I thought I’d broken through the walls, but I was just a distraction to her, a way to forget for a little while, not really who she wanted at all.

~Everly~

I had all of the contents of my house moved into a storage unit in town a few days ago. The majority of Tyler’s things, which Luca packed up before I broke up with him, went to Goodwill, except for a few things that I had boxed up and sent to his parents. I kept some of his favorite books for myself because letting go doesn’t mean having to forget. It’s been almost a month since I last saw Luca. I thought that it would get easier with time, not having him around, but I was mistaken. It’s just as hard today as it was that first day, that first night without him. I closed on the house last week and made a really good profit on the deal. I was able to pay a full year of rent up front on a one-bedroom condo downtown and not even make a dent into the money, I move in next week. I also traded my car in for a new car, a car that doesn’t remind me of Tyler—it was my last act of defiance against my past.

I finally decided that it was time to at least try to do something with my chosen career, so I submitted my application to law school. I thought the process would take longer but because I had already been accepted and chose not to go after Tyler’s death, they re-accepted me almost immediately. I’m still not a hundred percent sure that it’s what I really want, but I figure it’s worth a shot, and I start in a few months. When I met with my academic counselor a few days ago to go over my schedule and tuition, she told me that my tuition had been covered by an anonymous benefactor. It didn’t take me long to figure out that this was Michael’s parting gift, but how he found out I had gotten into school is beyond me. I’m sure he has connections in admissions, because he seems to have connections everywhere.

I was angry at first, so angry that I almost went to his office to tell him to shove his stupid gift because I no longer needed anything from him. But the more I thought about it, the less angry I got. If he wants to throw his money away on me then let him, it’s the least he could do for not helping Tyler and for costing me Luca. What he won’t get is a thank you from me…Ever! It may make me no better than he is, it might even make me a bitch, but whatever, I can live with that.

So there you have it, life goes on, with or without Luca. I can see the beauty of everything that I’ve accomplished in the last few weeks on my own. In the end I guess I didn’t need him holding my hand and walking me through it all. It felt good to be independent; to take these steps forward on my own. That doesn’t mean that I didn’t wish every single day that he was still here. It doesn’t mean that I don’t miss him with everything that I have, because I do. There are times that I feel like I might just go crazy without him, times where I have my cell phone in hand set to his name and the only thing standing between me and hearing his voice again is the push of a stupid button. Why I can’t push it is beyond me, why I can’t just call him and explain what happened, let him make up his own mind, choose for himself whether he wants me or a career. That would be the smart thing to do, because the more I think about it, the more I think that I acted rashly, that maybe Morgan was right and my own fear of losing him got in the way of my rational thoughts. Only now so much time has passed that I don’t know how to make the first move, I don’t know if I could stand his rejection even though I know it’s what I deserve. Luca Jensen probably hates me, and I can’t blame him, not even a little bit. I can only hope that mixed in with the hate is just a little bit of the love he once felt for me.

“How are you doing?”

I look up from my spot on the couch where my eyes were trained on one of those fixer-upper shows on the home channel to see Morgan hovering over me with a bottle of wine and two glasses.

“Hey, I’m okay. What’s up?”

She plops down next to me, hands me a glass, and pours us both drinks. She takes a generous gulp and I follow suit.

“Are you all set with the move? How are you getting everything from the storage unit into the apartment next weekend? I can help.”

I love that she’s always willing to help out; she’s honestly one of the best people I know. “I hired a moving company but I can definitely use some help unpacking and decorating.”

“Cool, I’ll be there. I’ll bring some pizza.”

“Morgan, I don’t know what I would have done without you the last few weeks. I know I didn’t deserve anything from you after the way I treated you the last few years.”

“Everly.”