“What are you doing here?” I reply in a frostier tone than I intended.
“Can I come in?”
He looks unsure of himself, wary of my reaction toward him, but at the same time a little bit menacing. Luca is hot in every sense of the word, and if I didn’t hate him so much I might actually get flustered by having him around. His dark hair is the perfect contrast to his green eyes, and his perfect features set him apart. I’m pretty sure he could have just about any girl that he wants. He’s got to be at least six-foot-one, and it’s clear even through his clothes that he’s muscular, even more so than Tyler was. If he wasn’t such an ass, he’d be beautiful. He tilts his head staring at me; he’s probably expecting me to slam the door in his face. Part of me wants to, but part of me is curious to know what he’s doing here. After what went down last time he was here with how I kicked him out after he’d helped me for a second time, I’m stunned that he’d even attempt to set foot on my property again. I guess he doesn’t understand the concept of not being welcome. I hesitate for a moment before stepping out of the way allowing him entry. I close the front door and turn to face him.
“How are you?” he asks, trying to gage my mood.
“Did you really come back here to ask me how I am?”
“I came here because…”
“Because what?” I can’t help but to be short with him. It’s not just him, it’s everyone, I hate how they all tiptoe around me as if though I might just have a psychotic break at any given moment. Well… Trust me, if I haven’t lost my goddamn mind yet I’m not going to. I prefer drowning my sorrows in solitude, not random acts of craziness.
“I think we need to clear the air. I think we need to talk about what happened.”
“I know what happened how could I ever forget? Talking about it doesn’t help. It doesn’t change anything, and if I were going to talk about it, you would be the last person I’d talk about it with.”
“I think we both need the closure, I know I do and there are things that you just don’t understand.”
My voice drips with disdain. “You’re not looking for closure, you’re looking for forgiveness.”
“Fuck forgiveness! I don’t need your forgiveness or anyone else’s for that matter. What I need is for you to understand, for you to see that I would never do anything to hurt Tyler.”
He’s practically yelling at me now, and fuck my life, but I didn’t sign up for this shit. Hashing out the past is not on my list of things to do, not even close. I shrug my shoulders in defeat.
“Yeah, but you did! I get it, I understand that you didn’t set out to hurt him, that you didn’t directly hurt him, but your actions led to…” I sigh, unable to finish the thought, unable to continue with this draining conversation. I can’t escape the past, no matter what I do, I can’t hide from it. I can’t seem to get away from any of it.
Luca runs his hand through his hair and averts his gaze. “I miss him too you know?” he says with a sigh.
“Don’t,” I warn. I don’t want to hear about how much Luca misses Tyler. I don’t need to hear about how we share the same grief, bond over the same pain, like we should be closer because of it.
What it really boils down to is the fact that he thinks I hate him and that I’m blaming him unfairly for Tyler’s death. Maybe it is unfair, but the past few years of my life have been full of unfair and why should I have to be the only one who has to experience it. Screw him if he thinks he can walk in here and seek absolution for his sins; he’ll be waiting forever as far as I’m concerned.
He looks up, eyes meeting mine again. “You don’t know how many times I’ve wanted to reach out and tell you how sorry I am that you lost him.”
“Luca, get out,” I demand, my eyes filling up with tears that I refuse to let fall in front of him. He doesn’t get the satisfaction of seeing my weakness, not ever.
He straightens his back and squares his shoulder as if he’s preparing for battle. “I’m sorry Everly.”
“Luca,” I say, my voice faltering slightly.
“I’m sorry.”
I turn my back to him and head back to the front door. “I want you to leave.”
“I’m not done.”
I spin back around. “What else is there to say?” It sounds almost like a plea. For what exactly, I’m not sure. “You came, you apologized, what more?”
“You need to know what really happened.”
“I know what happened! My husband left me to help you and he got himself killed.”
“That wasn’t how it happened. It’s time you hear the truth, it’s been four years.”
“I don’t want to hear anything you have to say. There’s nothing you could say that will make me change my mind about you. There’s nothing you can say that would make me hate you any less.”
“I don’t need you to hate me Everly, I already hate myself. Don’t think for one minute, for one fucking minute, that I don’t blame myself, that I don’t live with that every single day of my life. You think I wouldn’t change it if I could? You think I don’t know that he’s dead because of my choices? I fucking know!”
We stare at each other each both of us winded, breathing heavy as if we just went twelve rounds in a boxing ring.
“Just stay away from me Luca. I will be professional at work and make sure that you have what you need in order to do your job, but that’s as much as I can give you. I can’t give you closure because this will never be done for me.”
“Everly.”
“I don’t want your explanations, I don’t want to hear the how and why of Tyler being gone, the end result is still the same.”
“Everly…”
“It’s the same! It’s always the same, just leave it alone.”
I know there’s a reason he’s here, I feel it deep down in my bones. I know he has something to say that I should hear, and I want to know what it is, but I can’t hear it. I’m not strong enough for it; I don’t think I can stand to hear anything else that comes from Luca’s mouth. I’m terrified that whatever he tells me will make my pain that much worse.
“You’re right.” He sighs, his shoulders slump, and his head drops in defeat. “It wouldn’t change a damn thing. I’ll see you at work tomorrow,” he says, giving me a parting glance before walking out the door.
I can’t help but to notice the look of sorrow on his face as he leaves and it throws me off a bit. Makes me question myself because his pain makes me feel bad for a moment. It makes me almost feel awful for shutting him down. Why do I all of a sudden care about how he feels, or about his pain? And there is pain. It’s obvious, I saw it there four years ago, and I see it still today. Is it possible that he’s not over it, that maybe he still feels the loss as deeply as I do? Back then when it was too fresh, when the wound was still brand new, I didn’t care about what he might be going through, but now… now I almost feel bad for the look of sadness hidden behind his features because I know that sadness all too well and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone, not even Luca.
~Luca~
I don’t know why I went there, what I’d hoped to accomplish by showing up at Everly’s place. The house she lived in with Tyler, the fucking house that he built to make her happy. The house that cost him a fuck of a lot more than it should have. It’s not that I was trying to get her to forgive me, I wasn’t. I can live with her hatred if it makes her feel better, if it makes it easier for her to put one foot in front of the other and carry on. It’s not about her forgiveness for me; I just thought she needed to know the truth. She needs to hear from me what very few people know, what those people have chosen to keep from her even now when the dust has settled. They allow her to live in her inner turmoil, and they allow her to walk in a clouded world where all she sees are glimpses of truth hidden behind a fucking mountain of lies.
Tyler was my best friend, my brother; I would have done and did try to do anything I could for him. Anything to keep him safe, to try and make him see his mistakes, but I couldn’t make him see the things that he was blinded to. Tyler wanted what he wanted when he wanted it and there was never anything anyone could do to stop him. He’d been that way all his life with everything from a new pair of sneakers he didn’t need, to a girl that I had seen and wanted first, to a house he couldn’t afford. He wanted them so he took them; he had to have them, even if it meant hurting his best friend, even if it meant lying to his fiancée. Tyler West was a good man deep down. He cared about people, felt deeply, loved deeply, but when all was said and done, he was also a very selfish man.
Everly doesn’t want to hear the truth, doesn’t want to face what’s always been right in front of her eyes. I can’t force her to hear me out, so maybe it is better for her to live in oblivion. Maybe it’s better for me too. Then I can stop pretending that I mean anything to her at all, I can let go of the idea that she might someday mean more to me. Her hate isn’t totally unjustified, I played my part. From the moment I met her, I played my role, made her dislike me, made her think that I disliked her just as much—but really she was just a girl I could never have. I kept Tyler’s secrets even when I knew it was the wrong thing to do, and if I’m guilty of anything, it’s that…not getting him help sooner.
The clicking of heels tears my concentration from the stack of papers I’m going through; I look up to find Everly standing in my office. I mask my surprise before addressing her.
“Can I do something for you Everly?”
She looks nervous, unsure of herself, which she’s never been with me before. She’s never had a problem telling me exactly where to go. She never gave a shit about what I thought of her, not even for a minute.
“Here’s the discovery you requested.” She reaches out, offering me the file she’s holding. I take it from her outstretched hand and give her my thanks not wanting to prolong this interaction. She’s never come in here while I’m here before. Usually she waits till she knows I’m away from my desk at lunch or in with one of the partners before dropping anything off. She stares at me a few more seconds and then hesitantly speaks. “Luca, about the other night.”
“There’s nothing to say.” I cut her off with a shake of my head. “You were right, I shouldn’t have come by.”
“Well that’s just it, I was wondering.” She looks away from me making sure that the hallways are empty before turning her gaze back to mine.
“What is it?”
“Did… Did Tyler ever gamble with you, bet on races or sporting events?”
I’m floored by her question, so much so that I have no idea how to respond. I stick with the simple truth but choose not to elaborate any further. “No, he never did that with me.”
“Right. O…Okay.”
“Why are you asking me this Ev?” I probe.
“It’s just that every once in a while I’ll find something around the house, hidden in random places, a book or a pocket, things that lead me to believe that he’d occasionally bet on things.”
I let out a breath, nod my head and lie through my teeth. “Sounds harmless enough.”
“Yeah. It’s just weird that I didn’t know about it that’s all.”
“I’m sure it was nothing,” I say trying to reassure her even though I know better. She turns away and heads out the door before popping her head back in.
“Uh, thank you,” she says quietly and then she’s gone.
What the fuck did I just do? I just lied to her. This could have been the perfect time to tell her the truth, all of it. She already suspects it, probably for a long time even, but I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t look into her sad eyes and make them even sadder.
Fuck it
, I think, leaning back in my chair,
let her live the lie
.
~Everly~
After calling me several times and being sent straight to voicemail, I finally decided to call Morgan back. The fact that she still considers me her best friend is heartwarming because God knows that I don’t deserve her loyalty. Four years is a long time to spend being blown off by someone who you consider to be a friend. As usual she invited me out to dinner so that we could catch up—only this time I didn’t make up some lame excuse and turn her down. This time I said yes suggesting that I come to her house and have dinner with her there, giving us a quieter place to catch up.
I pull up to her building and park my car next to hers. Morgan is already waiting in the open doorway. She’s hard to miss with her auburn hair and clear blue eyes. I get out of my car and walk up the drive stopping at the front door as she encases me into a tight hug.
“You look great.”
“You too,” I reply hugging her back. We hold on for a second longer before we part and she leads me inside.
“I’m so glad you came Ev. I haven’t seen you in so long, I’ve really missed you,” she says, her eyes tearing up.
Seeing her emotional makes me emotional, and I feel horrible for having shut her out for so long. I’ve only seen her a few times over the last four years, and each time I was short and unwelcoming.
“I’m sorry I haven’t been a better friend Morgan,” I say as I sit down next to her on an oversized couch. “It’s just been a tough few years, but I know I’ve made it difficult for anyone to get close to me. It was just easier for me to keep to myself.” I can’t explain why I shut down the way I did or why I did it for so long. Of course I was grieving, but I should have let people support me.
“Why? All I ever wanted was to help you, to be there for you.”