Until I Love Again (17 page)

“I wanted to tell
Daett
hello.” Lizzie tried to wiggle out of Susanna's grasp.

“You don't run toward buggies that are still moving,” Susanna's voice squeaked. “Don't ever do that again!”

Susanna could hear Ernest cluck to his horse, and the buggy pulled closer to stop in front of them.

“
Daett
,
Daett
,” Lizzie hollered, dancing on both feet.

Ernest leaned out of the buggy, and Susanna dared to peek at him. “I see you have my daughters in firm control,” he said.

Susanna lowered her head and didn't respond. The answer was obvious. Lizzie had gotten away from her.

“That was some run you took earlier,” Ernest said. “I'll have to come back more often if I get to see such
wunderbah
things as my daughters at play with you. I see the day must have gone very well indeed.”

Susanna kept her gaze on the gravel in the driveway. Ernest didn't seem to need any response. “I was telling myself on the way over that it wouldn't surprise me if the Lord gave me another sign of His
goot
blessing on my hopes, Susanna. And lo and behold, I pull in the driveway and see all the signs I need. My daughters love the woman I love, and my heart is filled to overflowing with joy and happiness.”

Lizzie interrupted her
daett
. “Will you come run with us?”

“Ah, now that's a funny joke,” Ernest chuckled. “I'm afraid I'm a little old for such wild exertions. Now, step back from the buggy so I can drive to the barn.”

When Susanna and Lizzie arrived at the parked buggy, Ernest climbed down and wrapped Lizzie in a tight hug. He stood up to wave toward Martha, who still stood by the oak tree. Martha waved back but didn't move. Susanna motioned with her hand for Martha to come, and obediently the three-year-old broke into a run. Ernest met Martha halfway, picked her up, and carried her back nestled in his arms. Ernest's smile said it all. Since his arrival they had functioned as a little family, and she had fallen into the role of
mamm
without a hitch.

Heat flamed into her face, and Susanna leaned down to take Lizzie's hand. “Come, let's go inside.”

“Aren't you going to wait until I unhitch?” Ernest protested.

Susanna ignored the question and held out her hand for Martha. “Supper will be ready when you come in,” she told him.

Ernest set Martha down. He didn't appear pleased, but he said nothing. Rather, he patted Martha on her head. “You run along with Susanna, and I'll be in presently.”

Mamm
met Susanna and the girls at the front door with a frown on her face. “Why are you coming in, Susanna? You should have waited until Ernest came with you. Surely you two aren't…”
Mamm
glanced toward the barn. “Things were going so well from the looks of it.”

“I have to go upstairs,” Susanna answered.

“Why?” Surprise showed on
Mamm
's face. “Ernest will be in any moment, and I need help with the table.”

“I won't be long.” Susanna didn't wait for an answer but made a dash for the stairs. What possessed her she had no idea, but she had
to get away for a few seconds.
Mamm
and Ernest wouldn't understand, but she didn't care. The
Englisha
blood in her hadn't died out yet. Ernest thought he had everything under control, and she had done nothing to dissuade him. Well, the time had come for a little resistance—the kind of resistance she could manage. She would call Joey.
Mamm
and Ernest would never know, but she would know in her heart what had been done. She would go to the other end of the house. A phone call would be safe there. No one would hear.

Susanna drew in a long breath and slipped into her room, certain she was losing her mind. For one thing, she didn't feel one bit guilty about what she was going to do. And she knew she should feel very guilty.

Susanna found the cell phone at the bottom of her dresser drawer. She had wrapped it well enough to hide its form. The moments ticked by as she undid the folds of clothing. With care she placed the phone in her dress pocket and reentered the hallway. Her younger brothers' voices rose and fell in the room across the hall, and Susanna tiptoed toward the far end of the house, where the spare bedroom lay. She stepped inside and closed the door behind her. She perched herself on the narrow ledge and pulled the phone out to stare at it. What if Joey didn't answer? But she had to try. Susanna focused and dialed the number Joey had taped on the underside of the phone.

Susanna pressed Send and waited. The phone rang once and then twice. Her whole body tensed when Joey's voice answered, “Susanna. You called!”

“Oh, Joey,” she whispered, and the tears came. She couldn't help it.

“How are things?” His voice was very concerned. “You sound like you're crying.”

“Okay, I guess.” Susanna quickly wiped her eyes. “We have visitors for supper, but I grabbed a few moments. I just had to speak
with you. It's been so hectic around here, and I needed to hear your voice.”

“Hectic?” he said. “In an Amish home?”

Susanna laughed in spite of herself. “
Yah
, you could say so, though stressful is more like it. We are—” She stopped. There was no way she was going to tell Joey about Ernest Helmuth, nor about how she was supposed to fall in love with an Amish man.

“It's good to hear from you,” Joey said. “When can I see you again?”

Her voice caught. “You know it's not possible under the present circumstances. I'm trying to make peace with my heritage, Joey. Please try to understand.”

“But you're calling me on a cell phone.” The illogic hadn't escaped him. “I'm glad you did. I've been hoping you'd call so I could hear the sound of your sweet voice.”

“Oh Joey, don't say that.” The tears came again. “If you only knew.” Coming from him, the words sounded perfectly sincere and honorable. Why couldn't Joey be an Amish man?

Noises came from the hallway outside the spare room. “Joey!” Her voice was urgent. “I have to go. Please don't be offended. Can I call you again sometime? I don't know when, but please say yes.”

“I gave you the phone for that very reason.” His voice was puzzled. “Of course you can.”

“Thank you, Joey. You'll never know what this means to me.”

“Ah—” he began.

“I have to go,” she repeated. “I really do.”

“Okay. Call again when you can,” he said.

Susanna pushed the End button and slipped the phone back into her dress pocket. The tears came in a gush, but she didn't care. Her face would be red from crying when she went downstairs, but let
Mamm
think what she wished.

Susanna opened the bedroom door to find an empty hallway. The noise she'd heard must have been made by her brothers headed downstairs for supper. She walked slowly down the stairs, trying to regain her composure.

Ernest was seated in the living room with Lizzie and Martha on his lap. He looked at her with a question on his face.

“I have to help
Mamm
,” she told him, and hurried on.

Susanna entered the kitchen. “Where were you?”
Mamm
asked. “I needed you.”

Susanna just said, “Well, I'm here now,” and then began to set the table. She called her brothers in from the front porch, where they had gone to play while they waited for supper. She managed a smile toward Ernest when she walked through the living room, and he beamed from ear to ear.

The whole family was relaxed by the time
Daett
, Henry, and James came in from the barn. They appeared pleased at the sight of Ernest seated at the table with his two girls. Thankfully Susanna didn't have to say much as
Daett
said the prayer of thanks and the food was passed around.

Ernest gave her a smile from time to time, but he didn't embarrass her with overt attention. After supper and a prayer of thanks, Ernest followed
Daett
into the living room while Susanna helped
Mamm
with the dishes.

“You did well at supper,”
Mamm
said. “Ernest was relaxed with the family and everyone enjoyed his company. Your feelings for Ernest will be falling in line soon. You wait and see.”

Susanna kept her head down and didn't answer. Thankfully
Mamm
let the subject drop. Ernest stuck his head in the kitchen doorway a few moments later to say, “I'll be seeing you, Susanna. We have to run. I have chores. Thanks for the
goot
supper. I really enjoyed my time here tonight.”

“You're welcome,” Susanna said, but she didn't move away from the kitchen sink.

Ernest nodded and left.

“You should walk him out to his buggy,”
Mamm
said. “And help him with his girls.”

“No, I shouldn't,” Susanna whispered back.

Mamm
sighed. “I suppose I should be satisfied with the progress we've made today.”

Susanna kept quiet—her head down, her hands busy with the dishes.

Chapter Seventeen

A
few days later, dusk had fallen outside the Helmuth home. Ernest looked up from his rocking chair to face Katherine, who stood in front of him with a determined look on her face.

“The girls are in bed now, and we can talk,” she said.

Ernest ignored Katherine for a moment.

“Woohoo?” Katherine waved her hand in front of Ernest's face. “I'm still here, and I'm going nowhere until we talk.”

Ernest motioned toward the couch. “Sit down then. I can't talk to you while you're standing there.”

Katherine complied.

“You have something on your mind?” Ernest teased, leaning forward.

Katherine tried to glare at him but failed. “You don't have to tease,” she said. “Lately, you've been so cheerful and dreamy. I know it's serious between Susanna and you, but I still want to know—is the wedding planned yet?”

“Are you asking so you can plan your own wedding with young Joe Schrock?” Ernest teased again.

Katherine blushed. “You know he hasn't asked me home from
the singing yet, but he might if I can drop a word to his
mamm
that your wedding is planned for this fall.”

Ernest reached over to pat Katherine's arm. “You needn't have worries about Joe waiting on news of my plans before he asks you home. He'll get around to that soon enough. The Schrocks are known to take their time in everything they do, but all of them are solid people. You're the woman for him, Katherine, and I can assure you that Joe knows this. I can tell by the gleam in his eyes when he looks at you at the Sunday meetings. If he should ask me about you—which I doubt he'll need to—I'll give him the most glowing report I can. You have run my household since Naomi passed with excellence and with a devotion to duty. Joe couldn't ask for anything better in a
frau
. Not if he looked for years through all of our districts.”

Katherine's blush deepened. “Hush,” she scolded. “I don't need to hear all that. I know that Joe's heart is turned toward me, and I know that the Schrocks take their
goot
time about these things. That's why I want to know if your wedding will be this fall. If it's not, Joe might think I'll be tied down here for years to come. I need to let him know I'm available whenever he's ready.”

Ernest nodded. “That's fair enough, and the truth is, we haven't set a date yet. But I do plan to marry Susanna this fall.”

“That's not much of an answer,” Katherine said.

Ernest nodded, and the room faded from before his eyes. He imagined Susanna's form as she ran with Lizzie toward the Millers' barn. The girl was light of foot and graceful as the deer that grazed on the meadows below his freshly mown hay field. He was sure Susanna would never have allowed him to see her in such a state if she had known he was sitting in his buggy watching her. How gracious of the Lord to allow him such an endearing glimpse of the woman he loved.