Until I Love Again (29 page)

“I'm sorry,” she whispered. “I can't tell you how very sorry I am.”

Daett
lowered his head and looked away, but
Mamm
reached across the couch to touch Susanna's arm. “We know you are.”

“But that doesn't change anything, does it?” Susanna continued.
Mamm
was too kind to speak such words, but they were true. Nothing could change what had happened today.

“Ernest hasn't given up yet,”
Daett
said. “He plans to come over in a few minutes. I told him to give us some time alone before he arrived, but I doubt he'll wait long.”

Susanna groaned.

“You must speak with him,”
Mamm
said, sitting up straight in her rocker.

What was Susanna to say? She sat silently. She didn't want to talk with the man. They would only go in circles again.

Mamm
's voice grew urgent. “You
must
speak with him! He obviously still has his offer of marriage open, even after all of this.”

Susanna kept her voice to a whisper. “I wish he didn't.”

Daett
winced and turned to face her. “Susanna, you are my daughter. I have loved you with my whole heart. I have wanted only the best for you. Obviously I've failed you through my own weakness.” He cast his eyes toward the ceiling. “Forgive me, dear Lord, for my sin, and my inability to stop it from affecting those I love. Truly You have spoken in Your holy Word that the ways of a transgressor are hard. I bear my shame in great sorrow, and yet what is the use? I have lost the daughter I love.”

“You still have four sons,”
Mamm
said. “I have given them to you out of my love for you. Do you count them as nothing?”

Daett
hung his head for a moment before reaching for
Mamm
's hand. “You are right, Linda. I'm sorry.”
Daett
tried to smile.

“You must let go of the past now,”
Mamm
chided. “Everything is not your fault. Susanna bears some blame for this. She has made choices.”

“
Yah
, it's true. I have made choices,” Susanna volunteered at once. Silence again settled over the room.

“Where do we go from here?”
Daett
finally asked. “I spoke with Deacon Herman at the dinner table, and he says the church has done all they can do. If you refuse to repent, it would be best if you leave the community.”
Daett
's voice caught. “I understand this. I know that the standards of the community must be maintained, and this is a blight that must be removed. They've tried their best. You were so close to the end, Susanna. Ernest Helmuth would have married you. Why did you have to turn back and destroy the only life you've ever known?”

“Well, it's done now.”
Mamm
tried to comfort
Daett
. “And it can't be undone easily if what Rebecca told me is true. Bishop Enos would find it difficult to trust Susanna again after what happened today.”

Susanna stood. She couldn't bear this any longer, but
Mamm
grabbed her arm and pulled her back. “We must speak even the difficult words,”
Mamm
said.

“So what do you want to say?” Susanna asked. “Why don't you just tell me what a failure I have been as your daughter?”

Mamm'
s glance was not unkind. “I have tried to love you as my own, Susanna. The Lord knows I've not always succeeded. I confess that to you, and beg your forgiveness. Perhaps if I had been able to forget that you are not my daughter things could have turned out differently. So perhaps we all are to blame. I do not consider myself guiltless.”

“This is not necessary,”
Daett
protested.

“
Yah
, it is,”
Mamm
told him. “I have been silent far too often because I feared my own heart. I was afraid I would spoil your daughter if I interfered, Ralph. Rather than fear, I should have joined in with her training and said the difficult things. I should have protested when you gave Susanna so much leeway in her
rumspringa
.
Yah
, I was wrong to remain silent—and yet I was afraid to
speak up. I doubted myself, and look where we are now. May the Lord have mercy on all of us.”

Susanna buried her face in her hands and was silent.
Daett
's soft voice murmured beside her as if she wasn't even in the room. “You have been a
goot frau
to me, Linda. I could not have asked for a better one. Yet I know I have failed you often. The memory of Mindy was in the back of my mind in bringing up Susanna. I see that my efforts to bring her up to not be like her real
mamm
only made things worse. I don't dare ask your forgiveness, as I don't deserve it, but I still am sorry for what I have done.”

Mamm
took
Daett
's hand in hers and stroked his arm. “You are forgiven, Ralph. How could I do otherwise with my own faults so fresh in my mind?”

Daett
opened his arms and
Mamm
stood up to hug him. The two clung to each other. Susanna watched as tears streamed down
Mamm
's face. This was the relationship the community offered those who abided by its rules. She had been given the chance to have this, but she had failed. Now all was lost. She would call Joey this afternoon. She must leave this place of her childhood once and for all because she no longer belonged. Susanna stood and slipped upstairs, and no one protested her departure.

Chapter Twenty-Nine

B
arely fifteen minutes after she had run up to her room, Susanna heard the sound of buggy wheels pulling in the driveway. She peeked out of the bedroom window, and as she expected, it was Ernest who had arrived.

She turned to take slow steps back to her bedroom dresser, where a small quilted cover hung over each side. Susanna ran her fingers along the soft edges and remembered that
Mamm
had made it for her sixteenth birthday, in honor of the start of her
rumspringa
. It was to be a reminder that her heart should always stay close to home.

Susanna tore her gaze away from the quilted cover. It was just another piece of her life she would be leaving behind.
Yah
, she would leave today. Before nightfall, even. Why, she wasn't sure. Perhaps if she stopped too long to think, doubt would enter her heart. There was no other way. She could not fit into the community. She had tried her best, and now she must move on.

With one hand Susanna opened the top dresser drawer and searched for the cell phone. She'd tell Joey to give her two hours to pack. She couldn't take much with her anyway. Her Amish clothing couldn't be worn in the
Englisha
world—at least not for long. She wouldn't be one of those people who lived with one foot in each place.

Susanna punched in Joey's number and pressed Send. “Pick up…pick up,” she whispered as the phone rang. What if Joey didn't answer? It was a Sunday afternoon, and Joey surely wasn't sitting round waiting for her to call.

The phone beeped, and a voice said, “This is the Macalisters'. Please leave a message.”

Susanna took a deep breath and spoke rapidly. “Don't call me back, Joey. Can you just come pick me up around six or so? I'm leaving the community for
goot
. Sorry for the short notice, but things have happened rather quickly. If you can't come, I understand. I'll set out on foot and catch a ride into Heuvelton the best I can.”

Susanna slipped the phone back into the drawer and closed it. If Joey didn't come, he'd make contact with her tomorrow. She would call him from a hotel and let him know where she had landed. Phone conversations would no longer be a problem once she was out of the community.

A quick knock came on the bedroom door, and
Mamm
called out, “Susanna, Ernest's here. You need to come down.”

“
Yah
, I'm coming,” Susanna called back.

There was silence in the hallway for a moment. “Why are you dawdling?”
Mamm
asked.

Because I don't want to see him
, Susanna almost said, but she bit back the quick retort. Instead, she crossed the room and opened the door.
Mamm
's worried face appeared in the darkened hallway. “Are you okay?”

“
Yah
, I'll come down,” Susanna answered.

Mamm
seemed satisfied and led the way downstairs. “There's still time to change your mind,”
Mamm
whispered over her shoulder, just before she opened the stairwell door.

Susanna didn't respond. The look on her face said enough.
Mamm
sighed and fell silent.

Daett
stood to his feet when they entered the living room. Ernest was already standing and looked toward Susanna with sorrow etched on his face. At least his anger from the church service was no longer there.

“You two can speak outside on the porch,”
Daett
said, motioning with his hand toward the front door.

The hopeless expression on
Daett
's face was almost more than Susanna could take. How could she live with herself after this? She wanted to rush over and give
Daett
a hug, to tell him she had changed her mind—that instead she would be the daughter he had always hoped she would be. She wanted to say that she would never disobey him again, and that she would be Ernest's
frau
or anything else he wanted, if only life could be made right again. But that wouldn't change anything. They all needed to face that which could not be changed.

Ernest didn't look at her but led the way outside. There he settled on the porch swing, its chains creaking. Ernest still harbored that same sorrowful look. Susanna sat down beside him and said, “We don't have to do this. I've made up my mind to leave.”

Ernest sat up straighter. “But I'm still willing to wed you. That is not going to change. I have my two daughters to think of, and my love for you.”

“No, Ernest. I'm not saying the marriage vows with you.” Susanna tried to sound forceful. “I could never be the kind of
frau
you want.”

His anger flared. “I'll decide that—not you or anyone else. Please, Susanna, reconsider this. I can speak with Bishop Enos and something can be done.”

“I am not promised to you,” Susanna said. “I never was, and even if I had promised, would you want a
frau
who was always regretting her proposed marriage to you? I don't think so.”

Ernest's anger still lingered. “Don't be telling me what I think,
Susanna. I want a
frau
to take care of the house and my two daughters. Your heart will settle down once the marriage vows are said, and you will begin to care for Lizzie and Martha. Maybe I should have brought them along this afternoon so you could be reminded of your duties.”

Susanna looked away. “I know my duties, Ernest, and they are to avoid marriage to a man I don't love. Nothing else can be right if I don't stay true to what I know. I'm not—”

“You're speaking like an
Englisha
woman,” Ernest interrupted. “This is not what you have been taught. Your
daett
did what he knew was right by raising you to be a faithful member of the community, and that duty includes marriage to me. You cannot do anything else, Susanna. Not if you want to do what is right in the eyes of the Lord.”

Susanna met his gaze. “I have struggled long and hard over this, Ernest. So please don't make things worse. You know I love
Daett
, and I would gladly live the life he had planned for me. But I have also told you that I will never agree to marry you without loving you. What is wrong with you that you continue to insist on a marriage without love? Is it because I had an
Englisha mamm
and you think I must accept you?” Susanna stopped. Ernest's mind appeared miles away as he stared off into the distance.

A slight smile played on his face. “I believe none of this,” he said. “With your marriage to me, the Lord can meet the needs of my daughters. Our marriage would comfort my heart and turn your situation from something evil into something
goot
. You must not blame the Lord for what was done wrong in the past, but rather give thanks for the blessing He brought out of this horrible situation. That's still possible, Susanna.”