Until I Love Again (39 page)

Was
Daett
ready to propose another way she could come back to the community?

Had another Amish man made a proposal of marriage that
Daett
thought might lure her in again?

Did
Daett
know about Joey, how close they had become since she had left? Did
Daett
plan to warn against the obvious?

Or maybe the community had lost its patience with her having such easy access to her family each week. That would be the worse option of them all.

Susanna waited until
Daett
cleared his throat and looked up again. “
Mamm
knows where we're going, and she agrees,”
Daett
said, standing to his feet. “Come, daughter. We have some traveling ahead of us today.”

Daett
grabbed his coat in the washroom, and Susanna retrieved hers from the living room.

“Wait while I get the horse,”
Daett
said once they were near the barn.

Moments later
Daett
reappeared with his hands on Charlie's bridle. “I thought we'd drive your old horse today,”
Daett
said, his smile thin.

Susanna held the buggy shafts up for him and fastened the tugs
on her side.
Daett
had something special in mind. She wanted to ask what, but perhaps it was best to wait and see.

They climbed in the buggy, and
Daett
drove out of the driveway and took a left on Highway 17. From there he took Ritchie Road north until they reached Route 812 toward Heuvelton. Susanna waited while the miles rolled past slowly, and
Daett
finally began to speak. “This is difficult for me today, Susanna. I have a serious confession to make. But before I tell you, I want to say again that my sins lay heavy upon me, and yet you have brought much joy to my life. I can never express fully how much I love you. I didn't know that such sorrow and happiness could live together in a human heart.”

“I'm sorry I didn't turn out the way you hoped,” Susanna whispered.

“It's not that!”
Daett
shook his head. “I was out of my place to plan your life like I did. I added pride to the sins that already were laid to my account, and yet I feel the Lord had mercy upon me. I am unworthy of such kindness, Susanna. I want to say that I have not been the man I should have been.”

“
Daett
, please.” Susanna reached over to loop her arm in his.

He fell silent again and didn't speak until they reached the edge of Heuvelton. “I want to take you down by the river's edge, Susanna,”
Daett
said. “I once brought you here when you were very small, but I haven't dared come back with you since. I didn't want you to remember the place.”

“The river's edge?” Susanna held her breath as
Daett
brought Charlie to a stop. The reins hung limply in his hands. “But I do know this place,
Daett
. I've come here often. There is nothing to be ashamed of, unless…”

Daett
looked away. “
Yah
, you already know, I see. Or maybe you can guess.”
Daett
groaned. “What a fool I have been to think I could run from the past. The Lord will have none of it, I see. All that was
broken must be healed regardless of the pain we suffer. But come.” He climbed down from the buggy and came around to offer his hand to Susanna.

She lowered herself down the buggy steps. With her hand still on
Daett
's arm, she followed him to the swift flowing water's edge.

“I use to bring your
mamm
here,”
Daett
said, the pain strong on his face. “I need to tell you this, Susanna, and some other things also.”

Susanna waited as the moments passed.
Daett
seemed to have difficulty breathing, and Susanna slid her arm around his waist and pulled him close.

“Your
mamm
could also play the
Englisha
music,”
Daett
said. “I'm sorry I haven't told you this before, but I had hoped you—”

“
Daett
, please,” Susanna begged again. “You don't have to do this to yourself. I'm okay.”

“These things must be said.”
Daett
fixed his eyes on the river. “I have erred greatly in not saying them before. I have wished often to hear your
mamm
play again, and now I have a daughter who loves music, but for me this cannot be.”
Daett
glanced toward her. “I hope you understand that. I have no plans to jump the fence with you. I cannot listen to such music or allow it in my life, even if you play like your
mamm
did. I only wish to make things right with you, Susanna, and they will not be right if I am not honest.”
Daett
paused to catch his breath. “Come,” he said. “We have a ways to travel yet.”

“Where are we going?” Susanna asked on the walk back to the buggy.

“You will see when we get there,”
Daett
said, and would say no more.

He had explained some things, but there must be much more.
Daett
wouldn't have been so disturbed this morning over the revelations he had given her so far.

Only the beat of Charlie's hooves on the pavement filled the buggy as
Daett
drove north on Route 812 toward Ogdensburg. Each mile deepened the somber look on
Daett
's face.

“Can't you tell me where we're going?” Susanna finally asked him.

“I was up here last week,”
Daett
said, as if that answered things. “They agreed to see you. I can't say that I would have blamed them if they had refused, but they are more righteous than I am.”

Susanna waited, but
Daett
didn't speak again until they had reached the outskirts of Ogdensburg. “I have hidden something from you all these years.”
Daett
turned down a side street and lapsed into silence again.

“You had best just say it,
Daett
,” Susanna said. “Whatever this is, I will still love you like before. Haven't I already proven that point?”

“
Yah
, you have,”
Daett
agreed.

Susanna was ready to probe again, but
Daett
said, “Your
Englisha
grandparents are still alive, Susanna. That's where I'm taking you. I made an arrangement with them all those years back when I took you into my home that they would not try to contact you or interfere with your upbringing in any way. They were reluctant, but Mindy had told them that if she ever passed, they should place you in my care if I wished to have you—which I did. They agreed to my conditions out of respect for their daughter's instructions and for the ways of our people.”

Daett
choked up and Susanna waited. Her chest burned with fear and delight. A strange joy that was mingled with terror filled her. Her
mamm
's parents were still alive?

“You never told me.” Susanna's words rang in the buggy.

Tears trickled down
Daett
's cheeks. “Now you see what my greatest sin has been, daughter. I thought it was when I sinned with your
mamm
, but this has only made things worse. I don't ask that you
forgive me, but you need to know. Somehow I must make right what little I can—
if
I can.”

Susanna could scarcely believe it. She had
Englisha
grandparents! A woman who was her
mamm
's
mamm
was still alive!

“This is the house,”
Daett
said. He brought Charlie to a stop, and the reins dangled in his hand. “This is the same place I came to all those years ago. This is where your
mamm
would bring me in my
rumspringa
time.”

“What are their names?” Susanna asked.

“Hunter and Alice,”
Daett
said. “They are
goot
people. They have always been very
goot
people.”

“And they want to see me?” She felt cold all over. She suddenly wished Joey was with her, but that wasn't possible.

“
Yah
, daughter,”
Daett
said. “They were overjoyed when I came last week. They wanted to drive out and meet you at once, but I begged them to allow me this moment. I wanted to bring you, to atone in a small way for what I have done.”
Daett
's eyes had filled with tears again.

Susanna gathered herself together and reached for
Daett
's hand. “I will go see them,” she told him. “Take me to my grandparents, my own flesh and blood.”

“
Yah
,”
Daett
said, and his eyes shone as with a bright light.

Chapter Forty

S
usanna didn't move as
Daett
knocked on the front door of the fancy
Englisha
home. The ground under her feet was still moving in circles. It was so hard to fathom. Her
Englisha mamm
's parents were still alive, and
Daett
had known all these years. It made perfect sense from
Daett
's point of view. He had been worried she would be drawn into the
Englisha
world if she had regular contact with
Englisha
relatives. But that had happened anyway, and now
Daett
was seeking to make amends.

Susanna jumped when she heard a man's voice come from the side yard. “I thought I heard a buggy drive up.”

“Hunter,”
Daett
said. He held his hat in his hand.

The man came around the corner of the house. He stepped forward and nodded to
Daett
, but quickly turned to Susanna. He hesitated in front of her and seemed to search for words. “Is this who I think it is?” he finally asked, extending his hand.

Susanna reached for his hand. The grip was gentle and kind. This, then, was her grandfather.

“Susanna,” he said. “Mindy's girl.” Tears filled his eyes. “Please give me a moment while I fetch Alice. We were expecting you
today, but we didn't know when.” He glanced back the way he had come. “Alice is still in the garden. She—” He paused. “On second thought, come! Let me take you to her.” He turned to lead the way. Susanna's knees trembled, but she followed close behind the two men. When they rounded the corner of the house, an older woman was kneeling in the dirt. She rose slowly to her feet and turned to face the three of them. Susanna held back, half-hidden behind the two men. All of this was so sudden and awkward. How did one see one's grandmother for the first time as an adult?

“Alice,” Hunter said. “They have come.”

Alice seemed to waver, and Hunter reached out to take her arm. “Alice,” he repeated. “Susanna is here.”

“I know,” Alice said. She took a step forward and Susanna forced herself to move.

Alice searched Susanna's face. “My granddaughter. Is it really you?” Alice reached out her hand and then drew Susanna into a hug. Susanna held on as the years seemed to crash over each other and break on some distant shore. She was a little girl again and seeing Grandma for the first time, only she was all grown-up and towering above the elderly woman in her arms.

“I'm dreaming. It is Mindy, is it not, Hunter? She looks just like her.”

Hunter just smiled as Alice continued, taking Susanna by the hand. “Come sit, dear, and tell me all about yourself. There is a garden bench over there. Hunter and I sit here in the summer evenings. I can't tell you how many times we've wondered aloud about you, hoping you've been having a happy life.”

Susanna was at a loss for words, but it didn't seem to matter to Alice. “Let me look at you again.” Alice studied Susanna's face and reached up to move a few wisps of hair on Susanna's forehead. “You really do look like her,” Alice whispered, her face aglow. “You
are
Mindy's daughter.” Alice looked skyward and prayed, “Oh, dear Lord, thank You for this day. Thank You that I have lived to see her this side of eternity.”