Until I Love Again (34 page)

Susanna tried to smile. “Well, it wasn't quite like that. I did have a choice, but with my past the choices were to marry Ernest or to stay single for the rest of my life. No other man in the community
would have married me. And I suppose all the more so now. Leaving just proved to everyone that I have wild
Englisha
blood in me.”

Rosalyn's voice broke through Susanna's daze. “Susanna, dear, listen to me. That may be what your community thinks, but that's not what God thinks. We are loved by the Father even in our sinfulness. That the people around you didn't think so doesn't change anything.”

Susanna choked back a sob. “
Daett
loved me. And I left him.”

“Dear heart.” Rosalyn's voice was urgent. “Many people care a whole lot about you. Joey and his parents care very much for you. I do, too, even after the few short days I've known you. I gladly opened my home to you when Joey asked. I've not regretted that decision for a moment. You're a blessing, Susanna, and I know Joey thinks so too.” Rosalyn paused. “In fact, I'm quite sure Joey
more
than cares for you.”

“We're friends, Joey and I. I have to keep reminding myself of that. I don't want to end up making promises I can't keep. Joey's been so nice to me, and I've taken advantage of his kindness, but I don't know if I can repay his affections—and I won't force myself again. I promised myself that before I left home.”

“You let me take care of Joey.” Rosalyn gave Susanna a pat on the arm. “You heal up. That's your first task. A woman's heart is a tender thing, and yours has been bruised considerably. I can't even imagine how much. Just hang in there, and don't worry about Joey right now.”

“Joey's a nice man,” Susanna allowed.

Rosalyn smiled. “Nice is good, but let's leave it there for now. The Lord will guide you when the time comes. Don't you think so?”

Susanna nodded as Rosalyn drove out of Canton, toward Maple Ridge Road and all that was so familiar to her. Ahead of them the Miller home appeared, and Susanna took a deep breath.

Chapter Thirty-Four

S
usanna kept her gaze straight ahead as Rosalyn turned into the driveway. She wanted to glance around wildly like a ten-year-old arriving home after a long absence. But everything would still be the way she'd left it a little over a week ago. The only thing that had changed was that this was no longer her home.

Rosalyn brought her car to a stop near the barn. The barn door stood open in front of them, but no one had appeared yet.
Daett's
buggy was there, so he should be home. Susanna hadn't been able to see the back fields when they drove in, so maybe that's where all the men were working.

This was harder than Susanna had imagined. Her heart was throbbing, and her mouth was dry. She wanted to see
Daett
,
Mamm
, and her brothers, only she knew it would never again be like it was before. It would be impossible to recapture the past. In her
rumspringa
days the thought of her eventual return had comforted her even as she enjoyed her life in the world. Back then she had gazed without fear into Joey's eyes and called him a friend. Her heart hadn't concerned itself with where she was headed. Now there was no anticipated return to soothe her. The world felt like a heavy basket of laundry in her arms.

“Shall we go in?” Rosalyn asked as the front door opened and
Mamm
appeared.

“
Yah
, of course,” Susanna replied.

Rosalyn climbed out of the car without further comment, and Susanna followed. She made her feet move as Rosalyn led the way up the walk. She wouldn't have accomplished this if Rosalyn hadn't come along. She would have fled back to the car in spite of her best resolutions. At least she had thought to change into an Amish dress before she set out on this journey.

Mamm
's first glance took in that fact.
Mamm
smiled and greeted them with a soft, “
Goot
morning. This is a surprise.”

“Hello, Mrs. Miller.” Rosalyn held out her hand and
Mamm
gave it a quick shake.

Susanna tried to say something, but her mouth was too dry.

Mamm
didn't seem to mind as her attention was on Rosalyn. “Are you a friend of Susanna's?”

“Yes, a
new
friend…and her employer.” Rosalyn laughed. “My name is Rosalyn Osseo. I have a bed-and-breakfast in Canton where Susanna is staying.”

Mamm
hesitated. The look on her face said,
So you're already moving from place to place, unstable as the wind blowing across the summer fields?
Out loud
Mamm
said, “I'm glad somebody's taking care of you, Susanna.”

Rosalyn smiled. “The truth is, she's taking care of us. I've felt downright lazy and spoiled all weekend. You've taught your daughter her household duties quite well, Mrs. Miller.”

“It's Linda,”
Mamm
muttered, though she had brightened at the praise. “Do you want to come inside?”
Mamm
turned to lead the way toward the house.

“Where's
Daett
?” Susanna asked.

Mamm
turned with a hurt look on her face. “He'll be in soon from the back fields, I'm sure.” She had a weary smile on her face as she held open the front door. “Sorry about the mess, but I was trying to get lunch ready for the men. I'm sort of alone with the house, since—”

“We'll give you a little help,” Rosalyn said at once, “although your house looks spotless compared to mine when Susanna's not around.”

Mamm
considered the offer for a second and finally nodded. “Do you want to fix lunch, Susanna? And I'll clean up the house before the men arrive from the fields? Rosalyn can keep me busy with chatter.” She forced a smile. “I don't have much of that anymore—female talk in the house.”

“I'll help, of course,” Rosalyn said.

Susanna left them and hurried into the kitchen.
Mamm
had begun what was clearly potato soup. A large bowl was set on the table, and half-peeled potatoes were spread across the tabletop.
Mamm
planned to keep things simple apparently, but what choice did
Mamm
have since there was no one to help with the housework? The thoughts raced through Susanna's mind as she finished peeling the potatoes. Was there some way she could come home a few days a week and help?

Could she? Surely
Mamm
wouldn't object. Or was she desperately attempting to live a sort of double life—with one foot in each world? But she no longer had a foot in this world, Susanna reminded herself. Maybe she could come home on slow days at the bed-and-breakfast.
Mamm
needed the help—badly, from the looks of things. Surely something could be worked out.

Of course, she would have to ask
Daett
, but when and how? The dinner table was not the appropriate time. Oh, if only…Susanna glanced out of the kitchen window and gasped.
Daett
's erect
figure strode purposefully across the lawn from the open barn door. Susanna sat down and tried to breathe. She didn't dare peel another potato until her emotions were under control. The knife would cut her fingers more readily than it sliced the potatoes.

The outside washroom door opened with a bang, and Susanna stood to her feet.
Daett
burst in the kitchen door and came to a sudden stop.

“
Daett
,” Susanna whispered.

“My own daughter in my kitchen,” he said. “Where have you come from?”
Daett
looked as though he thought he was dreaming.

Susanna stepped closer. He opened his arms, and she wrapped hers around him. The sobs came quickly, in quiet gasps.

Daett
tried to speak. “Are you…but there is a car in the driveway.”

Susanna shook her head, unable to speak.

“So you…”
Daett
tried again.

“I'm only here for a few hours,” Susanna said.

Daett
took in the potatoes with a quick glance. “Then why the kitchen work?”

“
Mamm
needed help,” Susanna replied. “And Rosalyn is helping
Mamm
clean the house.”

“Who is Rosalyn?”
Daett
asked. But he didn't wait for an answer before his arms closed around Susanna again. “My own daughter has come home,”
Daett
muttered. “Let me hold you close and never let go.”

Susanna let the hug linger and then gently pulled back. “
Daett
, I've not come back to stay. This is only a visit.” Susanna looked away from the pain written on his face. “Please don't make this harder than it is. We have to live with what is true, and being an Amish girl is no longer possible for me.”

“But it is,”
Daett
objected, sitting down on a kitchen chair close to her.

Susanna didn't answer.
Daett
was only saying what was in his heart, but he also knew the truth. Reality took a while to face. “
Daett
, I have a job and a place to stay at the Osseo's Bed-and-Breakfast,” she said, trying to sound upbeat. “Out in Canton. You know the place?”

Daett
nodded. “
Yah
, I do, but how did you get a job there?”

“Joey's family is friends with the Osseos.”

“That's better than staying with him,”
Daett
said.

Susanna blushed and then jumped to her feet to move the bowl of potatoes over to the stove.
Mamm
had begun a fire earlier, and the stove top was glowing hot.
Daett
watched her work with a pensive look on his face.

“We miss you, Susanna,” he said.

“I know. I miss you too,” she answered. “I know
Mamm
misses my help around the house. And that has given me an idea,
Daett
. What would you think about me coming to help
Mamm
when I can? Like, maybe on Tuesday or Thursday when the bed-and-breakfast is slow. I haven't spoken with Rosalyn yet, but I think we can work it out.
Mamm
needs the help.”

Daett
didn't say anything, so Susanna let the silence linger. At least he hadn't said no.

“And how would you get here?”
Daett
finally asked.

“In a car.” Susanna forced a laugh. “I can't drive a horse and buggy any longer, and it's too far anyway.”

“And you'll soon drive your own car?”

“I don't know,” Susanna said. “I haven't really thought about it.”

“It would be
goot
to have you here,”
Daett
said.

Susanna saw that tears had formed in his eyes. She stepped away from the stove to wrap her arms around his shoulders, but when
Mamm
's face appeared in the kitchen doorway, Susanna let go.

“I didn't hear you come in,”
Mamm
said.

“My daughter has come back,”
Daett
told her, as if that were all the answer
Mamm
needed. “And she is asking if she can come home and help you out a few days of the week. Surely that would be okay, don't you think?”

Mamm
didn't answer, and Rosalyn appeared behind her.

“Welcome to our home,”
Daett
said in Rosalyn's direction. He stood to his feet and smiled.

Rosalyn stepped forward to offer her hand. “I'm so happy to meet you, Mr. Miller. I hope we're not intruding.”

Daett
accepted Rosalyn's handshake. “No, of course not. The boys noticed a car drive in, and when it didn't leave after a while, I thought I'd come up and—”

“I don't know about Susanna coming home to help out,”
Mamm
interrupted. “What will Deacon Herman say?”

Daett
gave Rosalyn a quick glance. “Susanna hasn't spoken with Rosalyn about this, so we can talk later, but I think we should consider the idea.”