Until I Love Again (37 page)

Ernest tightened his grip on the reins as Deacon Herman's place came into view. Even Gambit perked up his ears a bit. Maybe there was hope in his morning errand. As low as he felt, even the smallest expression of sympathy for his cause from Deacon Herman would be like a fresh breeze on a hot summer day.

Ernest pulled in Deacon Herman's driveway and parked his buggy beside the barn. He had Gambit tied to the hitching ring when Deacon Herman appeared in the barn doorway.

Deacon Herman greeted him. “I thought I heard someone drive in.”

“
Goot
morning,” Ernest responded. “How is everything?”

Deacon Herman ignored the question to say, “If you're here to convince me to discipline the Miller family because Susanna's helping her
mamm
during the week, it's not going to work. At least when she's there, she dresses Amish and wears her
kapp
around the family. I'd say we'd best leave things the way they are.”

Ernest stood in stunned silence before he sputtered, “But this is so wrong, so out of whack, so, so, so, ungodly. How can you stand there and tell me otherwise?”

“Be careful there,” Deacon Herman chided. “You've already overreached with your visit to Bishop Mark. It's an undeserved blessing for you that Bishop Enos didn't require a church confession for that stunt.”

“A stunt!” Ernest exclaimed. “How can you say that? I was only doing my duty.”

Deacon Herman grinned. “I think your desire for a beautiful
frau
like Susanna is clouding your eyes, Ernest. The Scriptures warn against such an attitude, and you should take the holy words to heart. All beauty is vain and deceitful when the heart isn't right. Susanna had set her heart on the
Englisha
world where her real
mamm
came from, and there's nothing any of us can do about that. Ralph has repented to the Lord and the church for his past sins, and there's no sense in adding to his sorrow. That's what would have happened if Susanna had married you and jumped the fence afterward. Actions have consequences, and Ralph understands that. Maybe our pride would have been too great if we had succeeded? We might think others can sin willfully like Ralph did and have everything turn out well. You have to be honest, Ernest. Would that not be the lesson our young people learned if Susanna had turned out the way all of us wished she had? So leave the final judgment of Susanna in the Lord's hand, because you need to get on with your life. That's my word for you. We have plenty of unwed sisters in the community who would take your hand in marriage. Even with the embarrassment you've made out of yourself. Visit one of them this morning and you can have that wedding this fall. How about that?” Deacon Herman reached over to slap Ernest on the back. “Isn't it time your daughters had a real
mamm
and you had a
frau
instead of your sister to take care of your house? Katherine has done a great job, I'm sure, but the Lord's gift to a man is a
frau
, not a sister.” Deacon Herman's hand came down in another solid whack. “How about
it, Ernest? Shall I visit a woman with you, and speak a
goot
word on your behalf?”

Ernest choked and tried to speak, but the words stuck.

Deacon Herman laughed. “I see you're overcome with the weight and depth of my wisdom. At least that's a
goot
sign, I think.”

“I…I…this is such a great shame,” Ernest managed. “I cannot see—”

“Save your words for later,” Deacon Herman interrupted. “You might need them. Shall we talk about whom you should visit this morning?” When Ernest didn't answer, Deacon Herman continued. “So let's see—there are the widows Laura and Hannah. They would both be busy this morning, but I suppose they'd have time for a few moments with you, or—”

“I can make up my own mind,” Ernest snapped. He drew himself erect. “I was quite able to woo Naomi, I'll remind you. Has everyone forgotten that I was once married and fathered two children? They are both
goot
and decent little girls.”

“They are four and three years old,” Deacon Herman said with a straight face. “I'd say you have a ways to go before you can crow about your daughters as decent church members. There's still their
rumspringa
ahead, you know.”

“My girls will not jump the fence into the
Englisha
world or even think about it.” Ernest glared. “I will see to that.”

“I hope you're right,” Deacon Herman said. “But we all fail sometimes. You thought you wouldn't fail with Susanna. Why else would you have taken such wild risks? But I heard you never achieved an engagement with Susanna…that she never did agree to marry you. Is this not true?”

Ernest stared off into the distance. This conversation had gone on long enough, and he dared not say anything more that he'd regret.

“Maybe I can help with your next marriage proposal,” Deacon Herman offered. “I don't mean that as an insult. I'm here to help whenever a member needs aid.”

Ernest turned to go. “Thanks,” he muttered. “But I'd best be going.”

Without a backward glance, Ernest untied Gambit and climbed back in his buggy. He was off with a shake of the lines.

“The best to you,” Deacon Herman shouted after him.

Ernest nodded, but he didn't look in Deacon Herman's direction. His humiliation had been enough for one morning, and Deacon Herman knew it. He wouldn't live this down for an awful long time—unless he took drastic steps. For one thing, he was not about to visit either of the widows. Desperate as either of them might be for a husband, their noses would be high in the air at the moment and not likely to come down anytime soon. Deacon Herman should know that. No, he wouldn't visit either of them, or accept Deacon Herman's offer of help. He could imagine how that conversation would go.

“Ernest is still in
goot
standing with the church,” Deacon Herman would inform either of the two women. “You can have confidence that the community will soon forget how he has behaved himself recently. So trust me when I say that Ernest will make a decent husband—if you choose to wed him.”

No, he would not take that route. That was one final humiliation he would not subject himself to.

Ernest shook the reins and turned east. He had made up his mind. The situation had become desperate, and he didn't care whom he married. With Susanna gone it didn't matter. He would forget Susanna. He would forget how close he had come to a marriage with her. He wanted this nightmare to end. He wanted no more risk, and only one woman in the community carried no risk.

Emma Yutzy. Ernest groaned.
Yah
, that would be the final humiliation, but at least the woman loved him. That would comfort a man's soul, and he needed his soul comforted. And Emma would care for Lizzie and Martha. Not the way Susanna would have, but
goot
enough. The two girls would have a
mamm
, and he would have a
frau
in the house.

Ernest set his beard straight forward and shook the reins. Gambit increased the pace, and ten minutes later they were at Emma's driveway. Ernest turned in, and the buggy bounced as one wheel hit the ditch, but he didn't notice. His gaze was fixed on the front porch, where the swing moved slowly in the morning breeze. Someone had been there moments before. Likely Emma. Had she anticipated his visit?

That wasn't possible, Ernest told himself. He had only decided to come here moments before, and Deacon Herman had mentioned nothing about Emma this morning. Or did Deacon Herman pull some trick on him when he had neglected to mention Emma? Ernest sighed and pulled up to the barn, where he climbed out to tie Gambit. He had been outfoxed to the last, it appeared. But what did it matter? He had best eat his humble pie and get it over with.

With slow steps he approached the front door and knocked. Thankfully Emma didn't answer. He didn't want to see her at the moment.

Emma's
mamm
, Sarah, greeted him. “
Goot
morning.” Her head tilted sideways as if to question his arrival.

“Ah, could I, perhaps if it was convenient this morning, see Emma?” Ernest stammered.

Sarah's face brightened. “Of course. So that's why Emma went up the stairs in such haste. I thought something had frightened her, but she must have been expecting you.”

“I…” Ernest began, but gave up. Sarah wouldn't believe him anyway. “
Yah
,” he said. “She probably was.”

Sarah turned almost giddy. “Do you want to wait in the living room or out on the swing?”

“The swing is fine,” Ernest said.

Sarah held the front door open for a few moments longer as if she couldn't believe he was actually there. “I didn't know you had an arrangement with Emma,” she called after him.

I didn't
, Ernest almost said. He forced a smile instead, and the front door swung slowly on its hinges. Sarah had vanished.

The moments ticked past as Ernest waited. He pushed the swing with one foot, and the chains creaked in protest. He would not take this much longer, he told himself. Emma had better appear soon. Ten minutes later he was still there when Emma appeared in a Sunday dress.

“Shall I?” Emma motioned toward the swing. “Or would you rather walk in the yard?”

“Sit,” Ernest muttered. “Did you know I was coming?” He glared at her.

Emma sat down and smoothed her dress. “I'm not sure how to answer that, Ernest. I had prayed earnestly for some time now, about…” She paused. “I prayed about what my heart desired, and I've spoken with others about this matter and sought counsel. I've laid out my heart in the Lord's presence. I've asked that all would turn out as the Lord willed.” Emma lowered her head. “Forgive my boldness, but I had hoped this moment would come, but I did not know for sure that it would. How is one to know for sure what the Lord decides?” She raised her head. “But I am overjoyed that you're here.”

Ernest shifted on the swing, and the chains groaned above them.

“I can get you something to eat.” Emma glanced at him. “It's almost lunchtime.”

Ernest took the leap. “Maybe I will stay for lunch.”

A hint of a smile crept across Emma's face. “We can talk perhaps afterward?”

Ernest studied her face for a few moments before he reached over to take one of Emma's hands in his. She took a sharp breath, but didn't pull her hand back.

“Emma,” he began.

“
Yah
.” Her voice was steady.

“There isn't much time,” he said, “or I would make this more proper and all, but would you be my
frau
? Would you say the wedding vows with me this fall? See, Lizzie and Martha need a
mamm
, and I need a
frau
in the house. I know that Susanna—”

“I will, Ernest,” Emma interrupted. “The answer is
yah
, a thousand times
yah
. You don't know how I've prayed and longed for this day. On my knees I have wept before the Lord with my desire to mother your children, and to…” Emma looked away. “To love you, Ernest. I gladly accept your offer.”

“Then we have much to speak about after lunch.” Ernest settled back in the swing without letting go of Emma's hand. Slowly they swung in the breeze. “Did you speak with Deacon Herman?” Ernest finally asked.

Emma didn't even blush. “Was his recommendation for me?” A big smile filled her face. “He's a
goot
man, that deacon is.”

Chapter Thirty-Eight

T
he late spring twilight was still hanging heavy on the horizon when Joey arrived at home.

His mother greeted him. “You're home early.”

Joey chuckled. “For a Saturday night, I suppose so.”

“Were you with Susanna?” his mother asked.

“No.” Joey sighed and sat down on the couch. “I'm taking things slow.”

“Is she doing okay over at the Osseos'?” Joey's father asked, setting aside his folder of papers. “We haven't seen her around here lately.”