Unveiling The Sky (27 page)

“Is that how you would justify it?” He cut me off and turned toward me. His eyes were blazing with anger; any blood that had returned to my face quickly retreated. He gave me no time to reply before continuing. “Because that’s bullshit. She didn’t know.
You
don’t know. She could have gotten better.”

“Did she?” I asked as a little of my own frustration seeped through.

His face morphed into undisguised sorrow and his next words were clipped. “No, she didn’t. But she had no way of one hundred percent knowing that, and her giving up like that was selfish.”

“How can you possibly say that when you have no idea what she went through?”

“I was there. I
know
what she went through.”

I shook my head as I stood up. “No, you
saw
what she went through. But you don’t know. You didn’t
feel
it. You got to leave the hospital room while she had to sleep there. You got to eat without having to worry about whether or not you were going to throw it up. You could run around doing errands all day without being exhausted after getting halfway through the first one.” I took a few steps forward and paused so he took in the full weight of my next words.

“You didn’t
know
. Even though you took care of her, you got breaks from it. You had periods of time where you could go somewhere else and unwind for a while.
You
had one distinct advantage; you could leave and pretend it didn’t exist anymore, you could have a few hours of peace… she couldn’t. She never got that. It was
always
there.”

I could still see the anger radiating off him, but for the first time since our conversation started, he seemed uncertain. But he was stubborn, and as he shook his head I knew he was still trying to deny it. “Alara, I’m sorry, but you have no idea what you’re talking about. She even agreed with me when she eventually came around.”

The few steps I had taken were quickly erased as I slowly backed away from him. “What do you mean she agreed?” I paused as I replayed all his words. “Did you… did you actually
tell
her it was selfish?”

He finally broke our stare, trying to hide his embarrassment. But his non-answer was an answer, and I repeated myself.

“You did, didn’t you? You actually told her it was selfish.”

“It
was
selfish!” he barked out, swinging his gaze back toward me.

“Yeah, maybe it was,” I yelled back, raising my voice to him for the first time. “But wasn’t asking her to stay alive with all the pain she was in,
knowing
that it was never going to get any better, that if anything it was going to get worse, just as selfish?” I paused, trying and failing to regain any composure. “You talk about her like she hung the goddamn moon. You tell me stories about how much she gave up just to make you and your sister happy.
 
That she turned her back on her parents, stayed in a loveless marriage, and pretty much gave you all her time and everything you wanted. And the one time she asked you for something, you threw it back in her face. So yeah, maybe it was selfish of her. But I think after giving you everything and leaving nothing for herself, she probably earned that much.”

Without waiting for his reply, I grabbed my purse and stormed out.

…

For the first time in months I began feeling anxious again. As I wore the rug thin by pacing at the foot of my bed, I stared at the full pill bottle in my hand while dozens of questions floated through my mind. Do people really want to die when they palm and down the whole bottle? Or are they just hoping that if they take enough it’ll fix them? Heal them? And are they thinking that those might be the same thing? Do they think they’re going home, to a place where they’re understood and happy and loved?

Frowning, I carefully put the pill bottle back on my dresser and made my way to the bathroom. I stared at myself in the mirror and wondered when I became the person staring back at me. When did I become the person whose only options seemed to be feeling too much or not enough? I lifted my hand and slowly traced the scar. As tears slipped down my face, I walked back into my bedroom and took out the crumpled piece of paper I hadn’t looked at since Naomi gave it back to me months ago.
 

My vision blurred as I stared at the familiar words and the familiar pain, and I began to wonder if I’d ever truly be better. I hadn’t had an episode in over ten months, but I’d always be wondering, wouldn’t I? Would the fear of depression simply take the place of depression? And how could this ever be fair to another person? Gabe and I might not even be fighting right now if it weren’t for this.

I shook my head and slowed my breathing as I smoothed out the paper and carefully put it away. Eventually the tears dried but I still wondered, could I be in a relationship like this and deal with the fallout if it didn’t end well? I certainly didn’t seem to be handling it well right now.
 

But was it because of my depression, or was it just a part of life? Were the two even separate for me anymore? And if they were, how was I ever going to learn the difference?

I fell asleep to the soundtrack of our words; I repeated them over and over again right until sleep pulled me under. And as much as I wanted to regret them and wish for it to be different, I didn’t see how it could have been. I meant what I said. Even though I knew suicide wasn’t the answer, even though I never had any real intention of acting on it, whenever I was in a low period I always thought the same thing: if it was selfish for me to want to leave, why wasn’t it selfish for people to ask me to stay?

I woke up shaking. I hadn’t had a nightmare in over six months, but apparently the talk with my dad and my fight with Alara had brought them to the forefront. Her words flashed back at me as I sat up.
The one time she asked you for something, you threw it back in her face. So yeah, maybe it was selfish of her. But I think after giving you everything and leaving nothing for herself, she probably earned that much
. She was right. Despite the fact that I still believed suicide wasn’t the option, I would always regret calling my mother selfish.

Head pounding, I looked at the clock and saw it was just after eight in the morning. I didn’t have to be at the bar until noon. I tried to steady my breaths in an effort to get back to sleep, but it was pointless. Just as I swung my legs over the bed, my phone rang. I looked down at my caller ID…
Naomi
. I considered ignoring it, but I had resigned myself to the fact that if she wanted to talk to you she found a way, even if that meant hunting you down. I took a deep breath and answered.

“Naomi.”

“Hey. It’s not too early, is it? You were already up?” It came out fast and tense.

“Uh, yeah, you’re fine.”

“Okay, good.” She paused briefly before taking a deep breath and diving in again. “I don’t know what happened last night, and I know Alara would be pissed if she knew I was calling you, but I’m worried. And I know you probably don’t want to talk about it either, but I just need to know that she’s okay because she keeps saying she is but she looked messed up when she got home and—”

“Messed up?” I interrupted.

“Uh, yeah.”

“Is she… is she okay?”

“What was the fight about?”

I hesitated, because even though Naomi might already know some of it and I did trust her, this was incredibly personal. I was still debating when she spoke again. “It’s all right, you don’t have to tell me. It was obviously something intimate. I just… ahh… I don’t even know why I called.”

“You called because you care about her.”

She paused for a moment. “You too.”

“What?”

“I care about you too, Gabe. I know we haven’t known each other that long but Alara really cares about you, and Derek hasn’t been this happy with a roommate in… forever. You probably don’t even realize how important you are to them because of how emotionally challenged they are, but you are and that makes you important to me.”

I smiled and nodded my head for a solid five seconds before I remembered I was on the phone. “Thanks, Naomi. That means a lot.”

“Of course.
But
if you seriously hurt her, I will not hesitate to cut off your extremities. And I won’t use something sharp either—that’s the mistake people make. They always want something sharp. Thinking it’ll be more painful, ya know? But it’s over too quickly that way. So I’ll use something really,
really
dull to extend your suffering.” The seriousness of her voice was more than a little unnerving.

I laughed uncomfortably as she made the second threat to my manhood since joining this group. “I see you and Sherry have no problem with blood and gore.”

“Eh, I grew up with Derek and Sher wants to go to med school… those two things cause you to get over that shit real quick.”

This time my laugh was more genuine. “Thank you for caring about her… and me. But don’t worry, I’m going to fix this.”

After we hung up, I couldn’t help but wonder what exactly it was that I had to fix. I had a sinking feeling that the problem was about more than just removing my foot from my mouth.

…

Me: hey. are you free today?

Alara: I have class till 5.

Me: and after that?

Alara: Just working on my never-ending pile of homework.

Me: could you take some time out of that and come over?

Alara: Sure.

Me: 7?

Alara: 8 would be better.

Me: that’s fine. did you want me to make dinner?

Alara: Uhh no, that’s okay. I might not be able to stay long.

I frowned at my phone before shoving it back in my pocket. The bar was unbearably slow and I spent most of my shift staring at the clock. When Derek came in at shift change, I was practically vibrating with my need to leave.

“Hey, where’s the fire?” he asked as he started setting up the bar.

I slung the gym bag on my shoulder before heading toward the door. “I just have a lot of energy, I’m gonna go to the gym for a few hours.”

He eyed me suspiciously. “Does this energy have anything to do with Alara?” When I stayed silent, he sighed and stepped around the bar until he was standing in front of me. “You’re my friend, Gabe. If you guys are fighting I’m not gonna take a side.”

“Thanks, man. I just don’t want to talk right now unless it’s to her. But I can’t sit around doing nothing for the next four hours.”

“I hear ya. Well I’ll stay clear of the apartment tonight, just in case.” Just before I turned around, he winked and had me laughing as I walked out the door. Laughing was not something I thought I’d be doing with him today. I couldn’t help but think about how lucky I was to have Derek and Naomi in my life. I had no intention of losing Alara, but it was nice to know that I didn’t have to worry about losing Derek or Naomi either.

I looked up from my book to see Naomi standing at the end of my bed. She had been coming in every five minutes for the past half hour, and each time I ignored her. Sighing, I closed my book and motioned for her to sit in front of me.

“What’s up?” I asked.

“I don’t know, you tell me.”