Urban Tantra: Sacred Sex for the Twenty-First Century (41 page)

In 1977, a swingers’ club for heterosexual couples opened in New York City. Plato’s Retreat was legendary; it had a sixty-person Jacuzzi, a clothing-optional dance floor, hot and cold buffets, and a huge orgy room. Plato’s Retreat was less than thirty blocks from my apartment for eight years, and yet I never went. For my taste, it was overwhelmingly heterosexual, and I wasn’t particularly interested in heterosexual sex. What’s more, I’d heard that the kind of sex that went on there was pretty sleazy, chaotic, and unsafe on an emotional as well a physical level. The very few swingers I had met up to that point just weren’t people with whom I wanted to be sexual. Even though I was very curious about group sex, I imagined that all group sex parties would be like Plato’s Retreat, so I stayed away from all of them. Years later—after I had begun to practice Tantra—I was finally able to articulate what I had been trying to avoid. More important, I had discovered what kind of group sexual energy I loved and wanted more of. I had found my erotic group preference when I started participating in, and later facilitating, sex workshops.

Why would a sex workshop be hotter than a sex party? It might seem at first glance that the casual, unstructured nature of a party would be more conducive to a hot time than a workshop. Paradoxically, the casual, drop-in nature of most sex parties or BDSM play parties can be an erotic disadvantage because their structure and style are modeled more on a party than on a ritual or a workshop. In most cases, the organizers of the party find a space for six to eight hours or so on a given evening. They send out invitations to the general public or to a large mailing list, and anyone can come to the party. This system is great for bringing new people and fresh energy to an ongoing party group, but the downside is getting a lot of people who want to play but don’t know anyone else in the room. As at many regular parties, people wind up hiding in the corners, clutching their drinks, and staring at the action in the center of the room. And while it is true that sex with a stranger at a party like this can be very hot, it is not the same as participating in group erotic energy. Conscious group erotic energy has to be built over time by everyone in the room, and most play parties don’t last long enough to build that kind of energy.

Let’s compare this to a sex workshop. All my workshops that involve actual sexual contact between the participants have lasted at least two or, more commonly, three days. Whenever possible, we find a venue in a beautiful natural setting. The first day is primarily devoted to getting to know each other. We sit in a circle, agree to abide by some basic rules of behavior and manners, and discuss what we hope to get out of the weekend. We do some moving meditations to release any stress and negative feelings we may have brought with us from our daily lives. Everyone learns various ways to breathe and to move erotic energy around. Everyone receives some instruction on how to touch with conscious intention. Then we all get to give and receive a sensual massage. That is just day one!

When we meet again the next morning, after a good night’s sleep, people are still a bit nervous about being sexual in a group but are willing to let go and try it because the other participants are no longer strangers. They are people we have all come to know and trust—at least for the duration of the workshop. For the next two days, we can practice truly conscious sex, because we share common tools, an agreed-upon safer-sex protocol, and a sense of safety. Everyone has had the time to set their own boundaries and has agreed to respect the boundaries of others.

How can we experience the goodies of a workshop in the time and space of a party? It is certainly possible to have conscious sex in a group setting that isn’t three hours away and doesn’t last three days. There are countless ways to be sexual in a group. Sex in groups does not have to mean having sex with everyone else in the group. Masturbation can be a group activity; so can partner sex. You can even adapt the traditional Tantric partner positions to accommodate triads, so that the third person never has to sit out and wait their turn for a partner. Be creative and inclusive!

How to Throw a Great Ritual/Sex Party

1. Articulate an intention for your ritual. “I want to get off with as many people all over me as possible” is a perfectly lovely desire, but it’s a lousy intention for a group ritual. Your intention should include and benefit all members of the group. For example: “Our intention is to bring together members of the S/M and Tantric communities for an evening-long exploration of the sacred eroticism common to both.” Your intention should be stated in a sentence or two. Keep it simple.
   
2. What kind of erotic play suits your intention? What doesn’t? Be specific. Is nudity expected? Required? Optional? Is fucking allowed? How about blood sports, such as play piercings? Decide in advance what is and isn’t acceptable for your group. Make sure to provide a safe, comfortable space for all the activities you plan to encourage.
   
3. Before the ritual, inform everyone of the rules/protocols for the ritual. Be sure to clearly state, in advance, your intention and your safer-sex policy, so that people will come mentally and physically prepared. Of course, you will have safer-sex supplies at easy-to-reach locales throughout your space.
   
4. Have a facilitator. Or a team of facilitators. At least one facilitator who is not participating in the fun is needed to make sure that the rules are being followed and no one is getting hurt. We call this job “holding the space.” You might call your facilitator a Dungeon Master or a High Priestess. Choose a title appropriate to the style of your ritual. In one of my workshops, the person who made sure participants followed the safer-sex protocol was called “Proto-Kali.”
   
5. Start and end at a specified time. Ask everyone to arrive before the start time; people should not be allowed to drop in once the ritual gets going. Anyone who leaves early must tell the facilitator they are leaving. Looking up from a hot time, realizing someone is missing, and not knowing why can completely break an erotic spell.
   
6. Gather with clothes on first. Whether it’s a meal, a circle, or some other way of gathering, make sure everyone gets to meet everyone else and share their expectations for the gathering. Let people ask questions. Restate the rules and the intention. People feel safer when they see that everyone else hears and agrees to the same rules.
   
7. Be flexible but firm. Keep true to your intention. Remember, this is your party. If someone isn’t enjoying themselves, it is perfectly okay for them to leave. Take note of things that work and things that don’t so that you can make your next party/ritual even better.
   

Club Relate

Lynda Gayle and her husband, Tom, are the founders of Club Relate, America’s first heterosexual masturbation club. The story of Club Relate is a fine example of how careful planning, effective rules, and good manners create a great time for everyone. Lynda’s story is also a great lesson in how to create a sex party that respects people’s relationships, feelings, and desires.

My husband, Tom, and I used to go to swingers’ clubs. Both of us particularly enjoy masturbation, but at the swingers’ clubs it was a real taboo. It’s hard to believe that masturbation would be looked down upon in that scene, but it is just not an okay thing to do. I think it’s because of the intensity of the act. And when people are not okay with masturbation in their own lives, they don’t want to see anybody else doing it.

We placed a personal ad to see if there were other people who also enjoyed masturbation who would like to join us. Thirteen people showed up for the first party. It was the first time everyone had gotten together with a group of people where it was okay to do this. It was like … magic! We started at 4 p.m. and went until 4 o’clock in the morning! Needless to say, we were all exhausted. I told Tom, we have got to figure out a better way of doing this! So now parties have set time limits.

The time limits also help make our club relationship-protective. If you go to a swingers’ party, your wife might go with someone and stay for an hour … two hours … three hours … that can make you a little anxious! At Club Relate, everything is done together in the open. Everything is structured so that you know when it starts and when it stops. And because everything is done together there is no secretiveness.

At first, we were meeting people individually before they came to the party. But pretty soon there were so many people that individual interviews were impractical. Now we have group orientations for the new people in the afternoon before each party starts. We spend some time talking about why masturbation is important in their lives, if they were ever made to feel guilty about it, and, perhaps most important, if they are able to share it in their primary relationship at this time. Then we go over the rules for the club and how the party works. There are two rules. The first rule is: no drugs in ya, on ya, or around ya. The second rule is: if anyone asks you if you want to play and it’s
not what you want, you don’t have to be creative and come up with an excuse. All you have to say is, “No, thank you, but thank you for asking.”

After the orientation, we go to dinner. The people who have already been through the orientation know we go to dinner at 5 p.m. So they come and have dinner with the new people. There’s nothing like getting to know people over dinner. Then we come back to the hotel—the parties usually take place in a penthouse suite—at about 7:30 for hospitality time. During this time, we get people talking about where they have come from. We have had people from Italy, England, Germany, and Sweden, as well as from all over the U.S. It really is incredible how far people travel. Usually we have thirty-five to forty people at a party; we will not go over fifty. We try to keep a balanced ratio between couples, single females, and single males.

After hospitality time, everyone is told that it is time to dress down. That means you get out of your street clothes into something sexy, or if you are okay with your body and you feel sexy when you are nude, then great! Then the party starts. It lasts for one hour and fifteen minutes. I know that doesn’t sound very long, but the party is relationship-protective. If somebody is with your partner, they are not going to be with them for longer than an hour and fifteen minutes. Also, we don’t allow smoking at our parties and we figured people could go an hour and fifteen minutes without a smoke. In a way, it’s just like kindergarten—we tell you when it’s time to rest, have something to eat and drink, and freshen up.

We have a thirty-minute break and then Tom announces, “It’s time to start the second session.” This session also lasts for an hour and fifteen minutes. We finish at around 11:30 p.m. This way it’s still early if you want to invite someone back to your room for a private session. Or if you want to drive back home.

Masturbation is not the only thing that goes on at our parties. To me, masturbation is self-stimulation or some kind of manual stimulation. It is not intercourse. If you use a dildo or a vibrator, that is masturbation, whether you are holding it or someone else is. There are some people who only want to watch … and some people who want to be watched. There are some couples who want to have intercourse with each other while everyone is watching—that is really hot. I love watching people watch that! I say that any kind of sex play is acceptable because there is always somebody who wants to watch it.

Sometimes we might have some light S/M (which we call Sensual Magic). There might be people who didn’t know that they wanted to be spanked, but when they see it, it’s a turn-on. A wife may say to her husband, “Hey, that’s
what I want you to do to me.” So in a way, it’s like a class or show-and-tell. Plus, you get to move around from room to room. Usually there are at least two bedrooms. In one particular hotel we go to, the closet is big enough for a party! Plus, the bathroom has a shower and a Jacuzzi.

I asked Lynda Gayle what advice she would give to someone who’d like to try swinging but might not know how to start—or might be a little afraid.

I would say: do it anyway. Go armed with Rule #2: “No, thank you, but thank you for asking.” Also, go with a clear idea of what you do—and do not—want to experience. State what your limits are to others so they will know how to respect them; but do tell them what it is you do want to experience. Even if you just want to watch your wife touch another woman’s breast for the first time, say that! Somebody is going to help you find that experience because they want you to have fun. For the most part, the people you are going to find in the swinging lifestyle are very sincere and kind. If that’s not what you find at your first club, keep looking.

Happy Birthday

Another delicious and powerful way to manifest group sexual energy is in a ritual performed by a group to pleasure one person. It can be a ritual to celebrate a birthday or to mark an important life passage, or it can be a kind of shamanic ritual to help someone find a new life path.

My friend Margaret wanted to do something special for her girlfriend Robin’s thirty-fifth birthday. So, on the evening of Robin’s birthday, four of us arrived at Margaret’s apartment dressed in high slut gear and wearing elaborate masks. When the unsuspecting Robin arrived, she tried to hide her delight as we blindfolded her, removed her clothes, tied her hands behind her back, and covered her with an oversized coat. We took off our masks, put on coats over our slut outfits, and walked Robin outside to my car, which was waiting up the block. We worried about being stopped by some good samaritan who thought we were kidnapping her. Luckily, Margaret lived across the street from the Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual/Transgender Community Center, so the only attention we attracted was from a lovely queer man who said, “Ooo, is it a birthday kidnapping? How fun!”

We drove the blindfolded Robin into, out of, and around the twisted streets of Greenwich Village for something approaching an hour. She never knew until later that she had only gone across town. We threatened her with all manner of devilish things that we would do to her whether or not she behaved. When we finally arrived at the East Village loft of one of the kidnappers, we hustled her up several flights of stairs and into the bedroom. We tied her spread-eagled to the bed and turned up the music in the room as loud as we thought we could get away with without complaints from the neighbors. This gave us time to prepare for the next part of our plan while Robin, bound and blindfolded in the next room, could not possibly hear what we were doing or saying.